First of all, I have to apologize. I had no plans for it to be so long between blogs. The last few months have been pretty crazy. I finally got done with my end of semester tests. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I really push I will be graduating this time next year! Yahoo! I never thought I could do it, but here I am. Soon to be a college graduate! Who cares if I will be 29 when I graduate, at least I AM graduating.
Today was a stressful and amazing day all rolled into one. 3 of my 4 foster kids had court today. My boys are going home to their Mama. If you would have asked me a year ago if they would ever go home I would have said, "No way!" But, here we are. Absolutely amazing! My little foster girl, 20 months old, they are still working towards getting her back in the home. I still don't know what to think about that.
I have been going through the boys' things and packing them up. They are already at their Moms house so I was doing it alone. I was remembering all the things we have been through together, good and bad. I am so happy for them, but sad for me. I will miss them like nobody's business! A great thing that has come out of this has been my friendship with their mother. I have become a support for her and will continue to be a part of their lives. You have no idea how relieved that makes me feel. We were laughing about how much we used to not like each other. Now we are good
friends. Another miraculous thing. God really is incredible!
While I was packing for them, I was also thinking about the baby. I have had her since June and we are all so attached. My daughter and her are like peas and carrots. There never was any transition period with her. From day one it was just like I had given birth to her and that she had always been sisters with my daughter. I kind of took that as a sign that she was a gift from God specifically to complete my little family. That she would be the one that I would adopt. I never planned on my daughter being an only child, it just happened that way. Doing foster care has been a way for her to grow up with other children. I really felt that this baby is one that God was going to let us keep. At court today, I found out that may not be the case. My heart jumped into my throat. I remember thinking, "What? This is my baby! I don't care if you gave birth to her, she's mine! Can't you see that she belongs with us?" I have been praying about it ever since.
You see, doing foster care is something I am good at. I am good at loving on kids and giving them a sense of security. My daughter is really good at being a loving, kind, and sometimes annoying sister. I don't know how to love at arms length and I treat all my kids the same, much to the dismay of my daughter. But, it is very difficult for me as well. I get so attached. I just can't help it. That is my greatest strength, and also my greatest weakness.
I remember earlier this Spring I was at the same point with the boys that I am with the baby. I was just ready for the courts to sever their parents rights and let me adopt them. In my eyes, it was only a matter of time. I had had them in my home for about 6 months then too. There came a point when they might have to leave my home because of a daycare issue (the licensing agency didn't want to pay for them to be in daycare while I was in work and school both). I called a really great friend of mine who happens to also be a foster parent and told her my delima. I was frustrated. I remember her telling me, "Honey, do you think that this is God's way of checking you on the boys? They are not your kids. I know you want to adopt them, but do you think that is God's plan?"
That really made me think. I wasn't being a very good Christian. There was a lady who wanted her kids back and I wanted them for myself. I wasn't doing anything to sabotage that process, but I wasn't helping either. That is when I realized that is not the kind of foster parent I wanted to be. I am no better than anyone else on this world. I may be skilled at different things, but who gave me those skills in the first place? I know that He didn't give me those things to keep to myself. He gave them to me to give my love, time, and skills freely. That's when I started praying for their mother and asking guidance to see what I could do to help. And, here we are.
As I was thinking of all of that, I started to compare that situation with the baby. She is not my daughter. Her mother has been in and out of foster homes throughout her whole childhood. In fact, she aged out of the system. How can someone who has never been mothered mother anyone herself? Is this God's role for me? To love and take care of this baby during her time of need and teach her mother how to take care of her? It very well may be.
It is not an easy thing to pour all your time and energy into children that you know you won't get to see graduate middle school, college, or get married. For some, I stay in contact with but others choose to not have anything to do with their foster parents. It's just to painful for them to deal with, they would rather forget. I can understand that.
I remember telling myself a few months ago that if the baby ended up going back to her parents, I wouldn't be able to handle it. That would have to be the last straw. I would probably stop doing foster care. Knowing that these kids will be pulled out of my home eventually rips my heart out. It's a lot to ask of any person.
Then, it was like cold water got splashed on my face. I remember a 2 years ago, when God pulled me through having my tumor removed I told Him I would do anything that He asked of me. I know that I am supposed to be doing foster care right now just as well as I know the back of my precious daughters head. How can I deny Him? He loves me. And not just the 'I would take a bullet for you' kind of love. He was ridiculed, beaten, tortured, and hung on a cross for all the world to see. It wasn't His shame on display, it was mine.
I burst into tears! How could I be so selfish?! The ending of my time with these kids is the beginning of a new life for them. If I can make a difference, I will. No matter what the cost to me, I will do what my God asks of me. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. I know that He has a specific plan for me. Besides, how many people can say they have 6 children that they didn't give birth to? My daughter is so blessed to be an only child by birth but have a houseful of brothers and sisters. Every child that comes into my home is one of my kiddos, even after they move. I will continue to pray for them and love them, even if I never get to see them again. Lord, thank you for making me a mother to many. Please, make me into the kind of parent that you want me to be. Teach me how to raise them in your ways, Lord. Make me worthy of your trust. Amen.
