First of all, I have to apologize. I had no plans for it to be so long between blogs. The last few months have been pretty crazy. I finally got done with my end of semester tests. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I really push I will be graduating this time next year! Yahoo! I never thought I could do it, but here I am. Soon to be a college graduate! Who cares if I will be 29 when I graduate, at least I AM graduating.
Today was a stressful and amazing day all rolled into one. 3 of my 4 foster kids had court today. My boys are going home to their Mama. If you would have asked me a year ago if they would ever go home I would have said, "No way!" But, here we are. Absolutely amazing! My little foster girl, 20 months old, they are still working towards getting her back in the home. I still don't know what to think about that.
I have been going through the boys' things and packing them up. They are already at their Moms house so I was doing it alone. I was remembering all the things we have been through together, good and bad. I am so happy for them, but sad for me. I will miss them like nobody's business! A great thing that has come out of this has been my friendship with their mother. I have become a support for her and will continue to be a part of their lives. You have no idea how relieved that makes me feel. We were laughing about how much we used to not like each other. Now we are good
friends. Another miraculous thing. God really is incredible!
While I was packing for them, I was also thinking about the baby. I have had her since June and we are all so attached. My daughter and her are like peas and carrots. There never was any transition period with her. From day one it was just like I had given birth to her and that she had always been sisters with my daughter. I kind of took that as a sign that she was a gift from God specifically to complete my little family. That she would be the one that I would adopt. I never planned on my daughter being an only child, it just happened that way. Doing foster care has been a way for her to grow up with other children. I really felt that this baby is one that God was going to let us keep. At court today, I found out that may not be the case. My heart jumped into my throat. I remember thinking, "What? This is my baby! I don't care if you gave birth to her, she's mine! Can't you see that she belongs with us?" I have been praying about it ever since.
You see, doing foster care is something I am good at. I am good at loving on kids and giving them a sense of security. My daughter is really good at being a loving, kind, and sometimes annoying sister. I don't know how to love at arms length and I treat all my kids the same, much to the dismay of my daughter. But, it is very difficult for me as well. I get so attached. I just can't help it. That is my greatest strength, and also my greatest weakness.
I remember earlier this Spring I was at the same point with the boys that I am with the baby. I was just ready for the courts to sever their parents rights and let me adopt them. In my eyes, it was only a matter of time. I had had them in my home for about 6 months then too. There came a point when they might have to leave my home because of a daycare issue (the licensing agency didn't want to pay for them to be in daycare while I was in work and school both). I called a really great friend of mine who happens to also be a foster parent and told her my delima. I was frustrated. I remember her telling me, "Honey, do you think that this is God's way of checking you on the boys? They are not your kids. I know you want to adopt them, but do you think that is God's plan?"
That really made me think. I wasn't being a very good Christian. There was a lady who wanted her kids back and I wanted them for myself. I wasn't doing anything to sabotage that process, but I wasn't helping either. That is when I realized that is not the kind of foster parent I wanted to be. I am no better than anyone else on this world. I may be skilled at different things, but who gave me those skills in the first place? I know that He didn't give me those things to keep to myself. He gave them to me to give my love, time, and skills freely. That's when I started praying for their mother and asking guidance to see what I could do to help. And, here we are.
As I was thinking of all of that, I started to compare that situation with the baby. She is not my daughter. Her mother has been in and out of foster homes throughout her whole childhood. In fact, she aged out of the system. How can someone who has never been mothered mother anyone herself? Is this God's role for me? To love and take care of this baby during her time of need and teach her mother how to take care of her? It very well may be.
It is not an easy thing to pour all your time and energy into children that you know you won't get to see graduate middle school, college, or get married. For some, I stay in contact with but others choose to not have anything to do with their foster parents. It's just to painful for them to deal with, they would rather forget. I can understand that.
I remember telling myself a few months ago that if the baby ended up going back to her parents, I wouldn't be able to handle it. That would have to be the last straw. I would probably stop doing foster care. Knowing that these kids will be pulled out of my home eventually rips my heart out. It's a lot to ask of any person.
Then, it was like cold water got splashed on my face. I remember a 2 years ago, when God pulled me through having my tumor removed I told Him I would do anything that He asked of me. I know that I am supposed to be doing foster care right now just as well as I know the back of my precious daughters head. How can I deny Him? He loves me. And not just the 'I would take a bullet for you' kind of love. He was ridiculed, beaten, tortured, and hung on a cross for all the world to see. It wasn't His shame on display, it was mine.
I burst into tears! How could I be so selfish?! The ending of my time with these kids is the beginning of a new life for them. If I can make a difference, I will. No matter what the cost to me, I will do what my God asks of me. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. I know that He has a specific plan for me. Besides, how many people can say they have 6 children that they didn't give birth to? My daughter is so blessed to be an only child by birth but have a houseful of brothers and sisters. Every child that comes into my home is one of my kiddos, even after they move. I will continue to pray for them and love them, even if I never get to see them again. Lord, thank you for making me a mother to many. Please, make me into the kind of parent that you want me to be. Teach me how to raise them in your ways, Lord. Make me worthy of your trust. Amen.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The Final Say
Hey y'all! I'm back! I know, I psyched you out there. You probably thought it would be another 3 months until I posted but here I am. I'm not going to lie to you...the last few months have been so busy and stressful that I have not really taken the time to sit back and realize just how blessed I really am. I was reminded of that this morning.
At church my pastor asked if anyone had a testimony of God's faithfulness and I found myself unknowingly raising my hand and words just spilling out of my mouth. Have you ever had this happen to you? It does to me every now and then and I love it when it does happen. I usually learn something that I didn't know before, or I did know it but didn't recognize it.
I said, "I had lots of problems having children. I have had three miscarriages, two before my daughter was born and one after her. It was a very painful time for me. I love being a Mom and I love children. I felt cheated because I felt that in a way, I was called to be a mother. I was raised in a very large family and I loved it. After my divorce I just tried to accept the fact that I would only have one child. Well, as you all know I currently have five children in my home." My pastors grinned and said how that truely was a miracle. I realized at that moment that it is a HUGE miracle! The make up of my body could not even determine how many children I get to raise. My God did. Let me give you some background here......
My daughter's father and I met when I was 17 years old. He was my first boyfriend. He was also a smooth talker. About three months later I got pregnant. I quit school and moved out with him into our first apartment. It was an enormously stressful time. We never had enough money and he was a big drinker. I miscarried a week after moving from home. Three months after that I ended up pregnant again only to miscarry two months later. Not even a month after that misscarriage I was pregnant again with my daughter. I was on bed rest almost the whole time. I was very sick most of the day and stayed up most of the night. When I was seven months pregnant her Dad and I got married and moved in with my parents. The first time I saw my beautiful, red-headed little girl, I fell in love. I had never felt this way about anyone. I was a Mom. This little person had been entrusted to my care. I took that responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, her Dad did not. We spent the next two years fighting until I finally left and filed for divorce. There was a lot of things that went down in those years that I will not talk about here. No matter what has happened, he is still her father and I will respect that.
About two years after that I started dating again. It was a crazy time for me. I blogged in the past about my serial dater times and my second husband so I won't go into detail here. I got pregnant again. My daughter was four years old so this would have been five years ago. When I let my husband know he told me he hoped that I would miscarry. He didn't want any more children right then. I knew that the siuation wasn't good and it would just complicate things, but it didn't matter. I still really wanted that baby. I felt it was my last chance to have any more kids.
I was devastated when I miscarried. I didn't get out of bed for about a week. It was actually my daughter who pulled me out of my despair. She crawled in bed with me and put her little hands on my face. She told me that she loved me and snuggled up against me. She said that she loved spending time with me and would I tell her a story? I looked at her precious face and could not tell her no. I said, "Baby, I will do you one better. How about going to a movie? Can you take your Mama on a date?" Her little face lit up. "Mom, that would be so fun! Can I bring my teddy bear? Oh, and can you take a shower? You don't smell like perfume like you usually do." I smiled for the first time in a week. That was the beginning of what we started calling 'Mommy-daughter dates'. We still do it now.
At this point, I decided I would take a break from dating and just focus on my daughter. I did this for a year or two and then decided to make the move to Great Bend and start going back to school full-time. We had been here about eight months when I started taking foster parenting classes. Right before I had completed them all, I found out I had a tumor. I stopped the classes, had surgery and then found out a friend's daughter had been put in foster care and she needed a home. I hurried and finished up what I needed to and got my first foster kid.
And here I am. A woman who had given up on having a large family now has five children. I love and cherish each one of them and as stressful as my days (especially mornings) are, I would not change it for the world. So, God took this broken vessel that could not have any more children and blessed me with five.
Last week I went to pick up my boys from their visit with their Mama when the youngest asked me a question that made me pause. "Hannah, why did you want kids so bad?" I looked at his Mom in puzzlement. She smiled and explained, "We were just reading the Bible story about Hannah." Ah, now I understood. There are a lot of similarities there.
Hannah wanted children more than she wanted air to breathe. She prayed all the time that God would bless her. It wasn't until she promised Him that she would turn the child over to Him to be raised and used in the Lord's work that she became pregnant. She kept her promise even though it was painful and gave the child to the church to be trained in the ways of the Lord. After that, Hannah had many children. I had to start walking with God and committ to raising my kids in a Christian home before I had more kids. And I do.
Any time a child enters my home, I pray and give them over to God. In doing this, it takes a lot of things out of my hands. I knew that doing foster care would be hard for me because I get super attached to kids. But, since God is in control I know that when they leave my home it is because my work is done. I have done whatever He had planned for me to do in their lives and it's time for them to learn from someone else. I was feeling pretty good and thought I had it all figured out until I felt a tug from God again.
He wanted me to turn over my daughter to him too. What? My precious one?! My miracle baby? Is there nothing He doesn't want? Can't I keep one thing for myself? Then I realized, she belongs to Him anyway. God gave her to me for a season to raise, but she belongs to Him. After I was able to do that my daughter's faith started growing even more. It was like there was nothing holding her back anymore. It was incredible to watch. It still is.
So you see, it doens't matter what society, the doctors, or even your own body says. If God wants to bless you with something He will do it. I am a living testament to that. Don't let anyone speak negative words over you. God has the last say and as long as you are still breathing, He is not done with you. He is a restorer. That means different things for all of us. He has a specific plan for each one of us. Don't give up on yourself.....He hasn't.
Thank you Lord for giving me something that I didn't even know to ask for. Thank you for making me a mother to many. Please God, help to me raise Spiritually strong children. Protect them as they go throughout their day. Help me to use Your words to guide them. And most of all, thank you Lord.
At church my pastor asked if anyone had a testimony of God's faithfulness and I found myself unknowingly raising my hand and words just spilling out of my mouth. Have you ever had this happen to you? It does to me every now and then and I love it when it does happen. I usually learn something that I didn't know before, or I did know it but didn't recognize it.
I said, "I had lots of problems having children. I have had three miscarriages, two before my daughter was born and one after her. It was a very painful time for me. I love being a Mom and I love children. I felt cheated because I felt that in a way, I was called to be a mother. I was raised in a very large family and I loved it. After my divorce I just tried to accept the fact that I would only have one child. Well, as you all know I currently have five children in my home." My pastors grinned and said how that truely was a miracle. I realized at that moment that it is a HUGE miracle! The make up of my body could not even determine how many children I get to raise. My God did. Let me give you some background here......
My daughter's father and I met when I was 17 years old. He was my first boyfriend. He was also a smooth talker. About three months later I got pregnant. I quit school and moved out with him into our first apartment. It was an enormously stressful time. We never had enough money and he was a big drinker. I miscarried a week after moving from home. Three months after that I ended up pregnant again only to miscarry two months later. Not even a month after that misscarriage I was pregnant again with my daughter. I was on bed rest almost the whole time. I was very sick most of the day and stayed up most of the night. When I was seven months pregnant her Dad and I got married and moved in with my parents. The first time I saw my beautiful, red-headed little girl, I fell in love. I had never felt this way about anyone. I was a Mom. This little person had been entrusted to my care. I took that responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, her Dad did not. We spent the next two years fighting until I finally left and filed for divorce. There was a lot of things that went down in those years that I will not talk about here. No matter what has happened, he is still her father and I will respect that.
About two years after that I started dating again. It was a crazy time for me. I blogged in the past about my serial dater times and my second husband so I won't go into detail here. I got pregnant again. My daughter was four years old so this would have been five years ago. When I let my husband know he told me he hoped that I would miscarry. He didn't want any more children right then. I knew that the siuation wasn't good and it would just complicate things, but it didn't matter. I still really wanted that baby. I felt it was my last chance to have any more kids.
I was devastated when I miscarried. I didn't get out of bed for about a week. It was actually my daughter who pulled me out of my despair. She crawled in bed with me and put her little hands on my face. She told me that she loved me and snuggled up against me. She said that she loved spending time with me and would I tell her a story? I looked at her precious face and could not tell her no. I said, "Baby, I will do you one better. How about going to a movie? Can you take your Mama on a date?" Her little face lit up. "Mom, that would be so fun! Can I bring my teddy bear? Oh, and can you take a shower? You don't smell like perfume like you usually do." I smiled for the first time in a week. That was the beginning of what we started calling 'Mommy-daughter dates'. We still do it now.
At this point, I decided I would take a break from dating and just focus on my daughter. I did this for a year or two and then decided to make the move to Great Bend and start going back to school full-time. We had been here about eight months when I started taking foster parenting classes. Right before I had completed them all, I found out I had a tumor. I stopped the classes, had surgery and then found out a friend's daughter had been put in foster care and she needed a home. I hurried and finished up what I needed to and got my first foster kid.
And here I am. A woman who had given up on having a large family now has five children. I love and cherish each one of them and as stressful as my days (especially mornings) are, I would not change it for the world. So, God took this broken vessel that could not have any more children and blessed me with five.
Last week I went to pick up my boys from their visit with their Mama when the youngest asked me a question that made me pause. "Hannah, why did you want kids so bad?" I looked at his Mom in puzzlement. She smiled and explained, "We were just reading the Bible story about Hannah." Ah, now I understood. There are a lot of similarities there.
Hannah wanted children more than she wanted air to breathe. She prayed all the time that God would bless her. It wasn't until she promised Him that she would turn the child over to Him to be raised and used in the Lord's work that she became pregnant. She kept her promise even though it was painful and gave the child to the church to be trained in the ways of the Lord. After that, Hannah had many children. I had to start walking with God and committ to raising my kids in a Christian home before I had more kids. And I do.
Any time a child enters my home, I pray and give them over to God. In doing this, it takes a lot of things out of my hands. I knew that doing foster care would be hard for me because I get super attached to kids. But, since God is in control I know that when they leave my home it is because my work is done. I have done whatever He had planned for me to do in their lives and it's time for them to learn from someone else. I was feeling pretty good and thought I had it all figured out until I felt a tug from God again.
He wanted me to turn over my daughter to him too. What? My precious one?! My miracle baby? Is there nothing He doesn't want? Can't I keep one thing for myself? Then I realized, she belongs to Him anyway. God gave her to me for a season to raise, but she belongs to Him. After I was able to do that my daughter's faith started growing even more. It was like there was nothing holding her back anymore. It was incredible to watch. It still is.
So you see, it doens't matter what society, the doctors, or even your own body says. If God wants to bless you with something He will do it. I am a living testament to that. Don't let anyone speak negative words over you. God has the last say and as long as you are still breathing, He is not done with you. He is a restorer. That means different things for all of us. He has a specific plan for each one of us. Don't give up on yourself.....He hasn't.
Thank you Lord for giving me something that I didn't even know to ask for. Thank you for making me a mother to many. Please God, help to me raise Spiritually strong children. Protect them as they go throughout their day. Help me to use Your words to guide them. And most of all, thank you Lord.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Update....
So, a friend that went on the mission trip with me in May pointed out to me that I had not blogged since July. I thought, “Gee, has it really been that long? It doesn’t feel like it.” Sure enough, it has been that long! So much has happened in the last 3 months, I will try to catch you up as best as I can…..
I currently have 5 kids in my home. My own red-headed 9 year old daughter, my 18 month old foster daughter, my 3 and 6 year old foster boys who are brothers and the newest addition is a 15 year old foster daughter. These 5 blessings are just part of the reason for the distraction that has kept me from blogging. You remember that I am also a full-time student, right? Well, classes started up again in August after having taken the summer off. I am taking some doozey classes that are keeping me very preoccupied right now. I am learning a lot, but I think this may be the hardest semester of classes I have taken. The closer I get to graduation, the more intense the classes get. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I take an extra class in the next 2 semesters then I should be done Fall 2011. Whoohoo!
This has been an incredible journey for me, going back to school. I have enjoyed it tremendously but it will be nice to be done. I can’t wait to walk across that stage!
My only regret is that my Mom won’t be there to whoop and holler and let everyone around her know how proud she is. Oh yes, she would make a spectacle of herself when it came to her kids. We all knew, without a shadow of doubt when she was proud. We are a lot alike in that respect. I know that she will be looking down and whooping and hollering from above. I just wish sometimes I could see it. Anyway, enough of that….we all know I miss my Mama dearly. I don’t need to dwell on that.
Another super positive change that has taken place is that my boys are very close to going home. I am so happy about that! Their Mom has made so many positive changes its unreal. She has started going to church with us even! I will be very sad when they go, but their Mom and I have developed a relationship and she has asked if I will stay in both her and the boys’ lives. She said in court that I have been a positive influence on her and the main reason she was able to make the change she has. I almost burst into tears, right there in front of everyone! It has been so awesome to see these things come to pass. The most important thing of all is that she has asked God to come into her life and heart! As hard as it has been at times, this has made it all worthwhile. God, I give you the glory for this miracle! Thank you for letting me be a part and witness to it.
I have also quit one of my part time jobs. Being able to sleep at home every night has been a lot less stressful for the kids and me both. I do miss the clients though. I continue to pray for them. When I quit that job I started working 5 days at the restaurant I work at. I love working there! It is set inside a Christian book store. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am on a budget so I don’t go overboard on all the books and CD’s they have there. Who am I kidding? I have to remind myself daily!
I am sorry to say that there is nothing to report on the romance front. I am still very much single. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I had someone ask me why I don’t date. Well, I don’t have a very good track record. I don’t really trust myself to choose who would be good for me and my children. So, I am letting God choose for me. He knows what’s best and I trust His judgment alone. Plus, I am still waiting for that guy that sees my kids as a huge bonus instead of a mountainous stumbling block. He’s out there somewhere.
All these changes and additional things going on have definitely kept me hopping. I have found myself overwhelmed at times, just today in fact. However, that is going to be material for another blog as I am still processing through that. It would make this one way too long. I am relying on God to see me through all these things.
Something I am declaring here and now, is that I am not letting anyone or anything steal my peace! It is mine to cherish and keep. Stress tends to do that to me. Then I get even more stressed because I don’t like feeling that way. Being exhausted and about to cry at the drop of a hat is not how life is supposed to be. When I started walking with God, He took those things over for me. I used to get overwhelmed at the smallest of things. Of course, I have a lot more going on now than I did then but even so, I refuse to let things get to me and destroy my good mood. After all, if my God is for me than what can be against me? Not one single thing. Thank you Lord for placing importance on even the small things that bother me. I can’t do any of this on my own. I don’t want to even try anymore. I leave it all in Your very capable hands, knowing that You can handle anything. You are God, after all!
I currently have 5 kids in my home. My own red-headed 9 year old daughter, my 18 month old foster daughter, my 3 and 6 year old foster boys who are brothers and the newest addition is a 15 year old foster daughter. These 5 blessings are just part of the reason for the distraction that has kept me from blogging. You remember that I am also a full-time student, right? Well, classes started up again in August after having taken the summer off. I am taking some doozey classes that are keeping me very preoccupied right now. I am learning a lot, but I think this may be the hardest semester of classes I have taken. The closer I get to graduation, the more intense the classes get. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I take an extra class in the next 2 semesters then I should be done Fall 2011. Whoohoo!
This has been an incredible journey for me, going back to school. I have enjoyed it tremendously but it will be nice to be done. I can’t wait to walk across that stage!
My only regret is that my Mom won’t be there to whoop and holler and let everyone around her know how proud she is. Oh yes, she would make a spectacle of herself when it came to her kids. We all knew, without a shadow of doubt when she was proud. We are a lot alike in that respect. I know that she will be looking down and whooping and hollering from above. I just wish sometimes I could see it. Anyway, enough of that….we all know I miss my Mama dearly. I don’t need to dwell on that.
Another super positive change that has taken place is that my boys are very close to going home. I am so happy about that! Their Mom has made so many positive changes its unreal. She has started going to church with us even! I will be very sad when they go, but their Mom and I have developed a relationship and she has asked if I will stay in both her and the boys’ lives. She said in court that I have been a positive influence on her and the main reason she was able to make the change she has. I almost burst into tears, right there in front of everyone! It has been so awesome to see these things come to pass. The most important thing of all is that she has asked God to come into her life and heart! As hard as it has been at times, this has made it all worthwhile. God, I give you the glory for this miracle! Thank you for letting me be a part and witness to it.
I have also quit one of my part time jobs. Being able to sleep at home every night has been a lot less stressful for the kids and me both. I do miss the clients though. I continue to pray for them. When I quit that job I started working 5 days at the restaurant I work at. I love working there! It is set inside a Christian book store. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am on a budget so I don’t go overboard on all the books and CD’s they have there. Who am I kidding? I have to remind myself daily!
I am sorry to say that there is nothing to report on the romance front. I am still very much single. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I had someone ask me why I don’t date. Well, I don’t have a very good track record. I don’t really trust myself to choose who would be good for me and my children. So, I am letting God choose for me. He knows what’s best and I trust His judgment alone. Plus, I am still waiting for that guy that sees my kids as a huge bonus instead of a mountainous stumbling block. He’s out there somewhere.
All these changes and additional things going on have definitely kept me hopping. I have found myself overwhelmed at times, just today in fact. However, that is going to be material for another blog as I am still processing through that. It would make this one way too long. I am relying on God to see me through all these things.
Something I am declaring here and now, is that I am not letting anyone or anything steal my peace! It is mine to cherish and keep. Stress tends to do that to me. Then I get even more stressed because I don’t like feeling that way. Being exhausted and about to cry at the drop of a hat is not how life is supposed to be. When I started walking with God, He took those things over for me. I used to get overwhelmed at the smallest of things. Of course, I have a lot more going on now than I did then but even so, I refuse to let things get to me and destroy my good mood. After all, if my God is for me than what can be against me? Not one single thing. Thank you Lord for placing importance on even the small things that bother me. I can’t do any of this on my own. I don’t want to even try anymore. I leave it all in Your very capable hands, knowing that You can handle anything. You are God, after all!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Possibilites, Prayers, and Distractions
I am in a funk. There is really no other word to describe it. In the last 3 weeks I have had 2 ear infections, a sinus infection, and a nasty flu. My kids have had migraines, fever, flu symptoms, cold symptoms, and the baby had severe diarrhea which always comes with my favorite thing in the world....diaper rash. Doesn't paint a pretty picture I know, but such is my life.
I know this doesn't all fit together now, but bear with me because it will. About maybe 3 weeks ago, there was this new guy at church. During praise and worship, he was getting down for God! He gave his testimony in church after I shared my concern about my grandma's health and asked for prayer (she has been battling cancer now for about 5 years and recently decided to stop taking chemo). He told me that I should be encouraged. Everyone prayed for grandma. After church he came and handed me this card and then walked away. It talked about God always being there and drawing strength from Him in difficult times.
I didn't really think too much of it. I thought he was just being friendly. A friend of mine from church text me and said that this guy seemed like someone who could be my husband. Really? He was good looking and all and I noticed him but it wasn't like an "oh baby" kind of notice. I prayed about it. Cut to about 2 weeks later. A really good friend of mine invited the kids and I to this cookout thing where there were paddle boats, tree houses, go carts, golf carts, and a huge playground. We had the whole area to ourselves. It was so fun! Turned out, the guy was there. Since the kids knew him from church, they were playing with him and he was taking them on go carts and things. I decided to take the baby for a walk in the stroller so him and all the kids went with us. We visited and told each other about our walk with God. During our outing, the boys both fell and scraped up their knees so I played Dr. Mom when we got back. It was sweet.
He made it a point to sit next to me and help me with little things with the kiddos. He asked if I would take his phone number so if I ever needed any help around the house I could call him. I took it down and then said, "Do you want my number too?" He smiled and said, "Yes, can I have it please?" Oh, okay. I finally understood that he was interested. I didn't realize it because he never looked me up and down, tried to touch me, or even said, "Hey baby" which is what I am used to. He was a Godly man trying to politely show interest in a Godly woman. What? This is all new territory to me!
Over the next few days he called and text me. He made clear that he wanted to pursue me. I told him that I needed to pray about it and talk to my pastors, who are also my spiritual mother and father. I explained that I had been through a few bad relationships and felt that the Lord had put my Christian friends in my path for a reason and I was going to utilize their advice. He was completely okay with it. It still was weird for me that it was all completely appropriate! I laid all my cards on the table and even told him that I had made the decision to wait until I was married to have sex. He said he respected me for that and that it wasn't all about sex for him anyway.
Right after this, I got sick. I stayed sick for a more than a week. I text him to let him know that I wasn't ignoring him, I just currently could not talk and breathe at the same time. His response was, "Thank you for thinking of me. God bless." Hmmm.....okay. I was too sick to wonder about it much. After a week of sinus and ear infections, I got the flu. It sucked! There is no other word for it! In the middle of all this, I was praying about it and talked to friends about it. I felt a definite, "No". Not because he was a bad guy or anything, far from it. We are just on different paths right now. I hadn't had a chance to tell the guy yet since I had been so sick. I was kind of dreading it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
I made it to church on that Wednesday night and he was there.....holding hands with another girl. In my church. He never said a word to me. Maybe he didn't know what to say? I don't know for sure. What I do know, is that it was extremely awkward. I go to a very small, very close-knit church. Need I say more? Everyone didn't know that he had made his intentions clear, but enough people did. Yeah, weirdness's. It didn't bother me that he was with someone else. I wasn't in love with the man nor did I have any claim on him. I just felt that it would have been courteous to let me know, "Hey, I met someone and we are dating" or whatever. Not because he owes me anything, but it would be the adult thing to do.
I decided to let it go, besides I didn't really have time to dwell in it since now the kids were sick. I was busy cleaning up puke and diarrhea, dealing with fevers, headaches and nightmares. Needless to say, none of us were sleeping well for a few weeks. I'm happy to report that we are all 100% healthy, other than this lingering cough that I have. I was looking forward to going to church yesterday since we had missed Sunday with the baby being sick. We went and ate supper at McDonald's and were actually going to be early for a change but when we went to get back in the car I noticed a completely flat tire. Thankfully, a really nice guy on his lunch break changed it for me. I told my daughter, "Well, this is what we get for trying to be early to church." She giggled, "It doesn't matter Mom. We are always late!" Even the good Samaritan laughed at that one!
I got to church and you will never guess who was there....that guy with his new girlfriend. We sat down and I had a hard time concentrating. Why the heck did he bring her to church again? Didn't he prove his point? My goodness, this is kind of a slap in the face. Why can't he go to his church? Why does he have to bring her MY church?! I left there very frustrated. I was thinking, "Geez, maybe I just won't come to church on Wednesday nights anymore. What's the point when I can't even focus on the Word because of my anger? See, this is why I think it's easier to just not date or even think about being pursued by anyone. I don't have time for this crap!" I was falling into the same trap I had lived in for the last 4 years.
Funnily enough, a really awesome friend that I haven't talked to in almost 2 years contacted me again and I just spilled my guts to her. It was so good to talk to her! I told her what was bothering me and she said, "Why is this bothering you so much? I was reading your blog and see how big your faith is and how much God has done for you this year. Man you even went to Mexico on a mission trip! Is this really such a big deal?" We kept talking and I kept venting but it got me thinking. Then, I got a text from my spiritual mama. She said that gratefulness is our best weapon. I should be grateful that God protected my heart when he was not THE man that He had planned for me. He is not a bad guy at all, just not my guy. After all, he was very respectful and didn't cross any boundaries with me. Besides, she said, now that he is out of the way he has made room for the hunka hunka burning love that God has in store for me! Heehee! She has such a good way of putting things!
Being that frustrated about it was not really a good response. I still feel like he should have let me know, but he made no promises to me. Plus, I don't feel like it was a coincidence that I had met this guy, started praying about what to do, and then got distracted by sickness and wasn't in the right frame of mind when I saw him again. God was faithful to protect my heart and tell me no before I got involved with him. God is sooo good!! I feel much better about it now. So what if I don't have my husband yet. He is coming. And he will definitely be worth the wait. I am grateful for you, Lord, for being my maker and husband. You hold my heart until You choose to give it to someone else. I know You have a specific man in mind and I am more than willing to wait! Thank you for protection. And thank you for laying on my heart to seek You and Your decision for my future. Thank you for putting awesome, positive people in my life to help me along the way. Gee whiz, am I blessed or what?
Like my Aunt says, I'm too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!
I know this doesn't all fit together now, but bear with me because it will. About maybe 3 weeks ago, there was this new guy at church. During praise and worship, he was getting down for God! He gave his testimony in church after I shared my concern about my grandma's health and asked for prayer (she has been battling cancer now for about 5 years and recently decided to stop taking chemo). He told me that I should be encouraged. Everyone prayed for grandma. After church he came and handed me this card and then walked away. It talked about God always being there and drawing strength from Him in difficult times.
I didn't really think too much of it. I thought he was just being friendly. A friend of mine from church text me and said that this guy seemed like someone who could be my husband. Really? He was good looking and all and I noticed him but it wasn't like an "oh baby" kind of notice. I prayed about it. Cut to about 2 weeks later. A really good friend of mine invited the kids and I to this cookout thing where there were paddle boats, tree houses, go carts, golf carts, and a huge playground. We had the whole area to ourselves. It was so fun! Turned out, the guy was there. Since the kids knew him from church, they were playing with him and he was taking them on go carts and things. I decided to take the baby for a walk in the stroller so him and all the kids went with us. We visited and told each other about our walk with God. During our outing, the boys both fell and scraped up their knees so I played Dr. Mom when we got back. It was sweet.
He made it a point to sit next to me and help me with little things with the kiddos. He asked if I would take his phone number so if I ever needed any help around the house I could call him. I took it down and then said, "Do you want my number too?" He smiled and said, "Yes, can I have it please?" Oh, okay. I finally understood that he was interested. I didn't realize it because he never looked me up and down, tried to touch me, or even said, "Hey baby" which is what I am used to. He was a Godly man trying to politely show interest in a Godly woman. What? This is all new territory to me!
Over the next few days he called and text me. He made clear that he wanted to pursue me. I told him that I needed to pray about it and talk to my pastors, who are also my spiritual mother and father. I explained that I had been through a few bad relationships and felt that the Lord had put my Christian friends in my path for a reason and I was going to utilize their advice. He was completely okay with it. It still was weird for me that it was all completely appropriate! I laid all my cards on the table and even told him that I had made the decision to wait until I was married to have sex. He said he respected me for that and that it wasn't all about sex for him anyway.
Right after this, I got sick. I stayed sick for a more than a week. I text him to let him know that I wasn't ignoring him, I just currently could not talk and breathe at the same time. His response was, "Thank you for thinking of me. God bless." Hmmm.....okay. I was too sick to wonder about it much. After a week of sinus and ear infections, I got the flu. It sucked! There is no other word for it! In the middle of all this, I was praying about it and talked to friends about it. I felt a definite, "No". Not because he was a bad guy or anything, far from it. We are just on different paths right now. I hadn't had a chance to tell the guy yet since I had been so sick. I was kind of dreading it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
I made it to church on that Wednesday night and he was there.....holding hands with another girl. In my church. He never said a word to me. Maybe he didn't know what to say? I don't know for sure. What I do know, is that it was extremely awkward. I go to a very small, very close-knit church. Need I say more? Everyone didn't know that he had made his intentions clear, but enough people did. Yeah, weirdness's. It didn't bother me that he was with someone else. I wasn't in love with the man nor did I have any claim on him. I just felt that it would have been courteous to let me know, "Hey, I met someone and we are dating" or whatever. Not because he owes me anything, but it would be the adult thing to do.
I decided to let it go, besides I didn't really have time to dwell in it since now the kids were sick. I was busy cleaning up puke and diarrhea, dealing with fevers, headaches and nightmares. Needless to say, none of us were sleeping well for a few weeks. I'm happy to report that we are all 100% healthy, other than this lingering cough that I have. I was looking forward to going to church yesterday since we had missed Sunday with the baby being sick. We went and ate supper at McDonald's and were actually going to be early for a change but when we went to get back in the car I noticed a completely flat tire. Thankfully, a really nice guy on his lunch break changed it for me. I told my daughter, "Well, this is what we get for trying to be early to church." She giggled, "It doesn't matter Mom. We are always late!" Even the good Samaritan laughed at that one!
I got to church and you will never guess who was there....that guy with his new girlfriend. We sat down and I had a hard time concentrating. Why the heck did he bring her to church again? Didn't he prove his point? My goodness, this is kind of a slap in the face. Why can't he go to his church? Why does he have to bring her MY church?! I left there very frustrated. I was thinking, "Geez, maybe I just won't come to church on Wednesday nights anymore. What's the point when I can't even focus on the Word because of my anger? See, this is why I think it's easier to just not date or even think about being pursued by anyone. I don't have time for this crap!" I was falling into the same trap I had lived in for the last 4 years.
Funnily enough, a really awesome friend that I haven't talked to in almost 2 years contacted me again and I just spilled my guts to her. It was so good to talk to her! I told her what was bothering me and she said, "Why is this bothering you so much? I was reading your blog and see how big your faith is and how much God has done for you this year. Man you even went to Mexico on a mission trip! Is this really such a big deal?" We kept talking and I kept venting but it got me thinking. Then, I got a text from my spiritual mama. She said that gratefulness is our best weapon. I should be grateful that God protected my heart when he was not THE man that He had planned for me. He is not a bad guy at all, just not my guy. After all, he was very respectful and didn't cross any boundaries with me. Besides, she said, now that he is out of the way he has made room for the hunka hunka burning love that God has in store for me! Heehee! She has such a good way of putting things!
Being that frustrated about it was not really a good response. I still feel like he should have let me know, but he made no promises to me. Plus, I don't feel like it was a coincidence that I had met this guy, started praying about what to do, and then got distracted by sickness and wasn't in the right frame of mind when I saw him again. God was faithful to protect my heart and tell me no before I got involved with him. God is sooo good!! I feel much better about it now. So what if I don't have my husband yet. He is coming. And he will definitely be worth the wait. I am grateful for you, Lord, for being my maker and husband. You hold my heart until You choose to give it to someone else. I know You have a specific man in mind and I am more than willing to wait! Thank you for protection. And thank you for laying on my heart to seek You and Your decision for my future. Thank you for putting awesome, positive people in my life to help me along the way. Gee whiz, am I blessed or what?
Like my Aunt says, I'm too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Belly Laughs are good for the soul!
This is not going to be a typical blog at all. You know how I have said time and time again that when you have kids like mine you don't need TV? They are entertainment in themselves! There have been several silly things happen that I just have to share with you. You will get a good chuckle, and maybe even a few belly laughs. My kids drive me to tears from laughter on a daily basis, and they don't even mean to! So, here you go....
I got a phone call that they were looking for placement in a foster home for a 14 month old little girl. I was so excited! A baby?! That hardly ever happens! Of course I jumped on that chance. I am so blessed!
Anyway, I picked her up for the first time and met her parents. It was a Wednesday when I got her so of course we went to church that night. My pastors had been expecting us because I had told them about getting her and how excited I was. I was late coming in, as usual. I walked up to my place in the front. They had just started praise and worship. They stopped and said, "Look everyone! Hannah has a new little foster girl." I turned around and said, "Isn't she cute? Tell everybody hi.." and this precious little girl turned and looked at me, and threw up all over me. Not just a little baby spit up either. It was like the excorcist! I have never seen that much puke come out of something that little! It was a kodak moment! Everyone said, "Oh!" I walked back up the aisle with the baby in my arms. Mama's followed me to help clean us up and we left a trail of puke up the sanctuary. I laughed. We got cleaned up and stayed and worshiped. I will never forget that moment as long as I live!
One evening at the dinner table, the kids were talking. I had served them their plates, said Grace, and then I sat down with my plate. It was 'choose what you want to eat' night. The kids were eating mini-corndogs and I was eating a yummy stir fry. My 3 year old fosterson says, "Mom, what is that? Why aren't you eating corndogs too?" My 9 year old daughter informs him, "She is on a diet. But she calls it a lifestyle change but really it's a diet. She is eating healthier. He looks at me quizzically. My 6 year old foster son says, "That doesn't sound like fun. Is eating healthy yummy?" My 3 year old says, "Of course it isn't fun. That doesn't look good." My daughter says, "Just wait until you are older. You will be on a diet too." He replies, "Yeah, you go on a diet and then you die." My 14 month old fosterdaughter and 6 year old foster son look at me in horror. I am laughing so hard I can hardly reply. "No, honestly guys I wanted the stirfry. It's good!" They all looked at me skeptically. My youngest son stage whispers to his brother, "See, she can't even say that without laughing!"
This is another prime example of meal time at the Hannah house...We were all enjoying our pancakes one morning. The kids were talking about things that they would like to try. My oldest son says he would like to be a girl sometimes because he thinks it would be fun to do a makeover. My daughter says that sometimes she wants to be a boy because sometimes the get to go around with no shirts on. My youngest son looks at me and says, "Mom, I want to be a man. I want to be a big black man." I looked at the baby in her high chair to see if she had anything to add. She says, "Ohhhh!" I laughed so hard I choked on the bacon.
Yesterday, my daughter and I were at home alone. The boys were at the babysitter, and my youngest girl was on a visit. I was back in my pajamas laying on the couch, trying to get over this summer crud I seem to have caught. She decided she wanted to watch 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. After a particularly hectic scene with all those kids, I turned to my daughter and said, "Honey look! Before too long that will be us!" She looked at me in sheer horror. "Mom, are you serious?" I laughed so hard that I coughed, sneezed, and blew snot all over my blanket. How's that for a mental image? I think I gave my daughter her first gray hair!
This is only 4 things that have tickled my funny bone. I have so many, they could fill a whole book! You know, life is too short to not have a good laugh every now and then. I hope you had a few reading this.
I got a phone call that they were looking for placement in a foster home for a 14 month old little girl. I was so excited! A baby?! That hardly ever happens! Of course I jumped on that chance. I am so blessed!
Anyway, I picked her up for the first time and met her parents. It was a Wednesday when I got her so of course we went to church that night. My pastors had been expecting us because I had told them about getting her and how excited I was. I was late coming in, as usual. I walked up to my place in the front. They had just started praise and worship. They stopped and said, "Look everyone! Hannah has a new little foster girl." I turned around and said, "Isn't she cute? Tell everybody hi.." and this precious little girl turned and looked at me, and threw up all over me. Not just a little baby spit up either. It was like the excorcist! I have never seen that much puke come out of something that little! It was a kodak moment! Everyone said, "Oh!" I walked back up the aisle with the baby in my arms. Mama's followed me to help clean us up and we left a trail of puke up the sanctuary. I laughed. We got cleaned up and stayed and worshiped. I will never forget that moment as long as I live!
One evening at the dinner table, the kids were talking. I had served them their plates, said Grace, and then I sat down with my plate. It was 'choose what you want to eat' night. The kids were eating mini-corndogs and I was eating a yummy stir fry. My 3 year old fosterson says, "Mom, what is that? Why aren't you eating corndogs too?" My 9 year old daughter informs him, "She is on a diet. But she calls it a lifestyle change but really it's a diet. She is eating healthier. He looks at me quizzically. My 6 year old foster son says, "That doesn't sound like fun. Is eating healthy yummy?" My 3 year old says, "Of course it isn't fun. That doesn't look good." My daughter says, "Just wait until you are older. You will be on a diet too." He replies, "Yeah, you go on a diet and then you die." My 14 month old fosterdaughter and 6 year old foster son look at me in horror. I am laughing so hard I can hardly reply. "No, honestly guys I wanted the stirfry. It's good!" They all looked at me skeptically. My youngest son stage whispers to his brother, "See, she can't even say that without laughing!"
This is another prime example of meal time at the Hannah house...We were all enjoying our pancakes one morning. The kids were talking about things that they would like to try. My oldest son says he would like to be a girl sometimes because he thinks it would be fun to do a makeover. My daughter says that sometimes she wants to be a boy because sometimes the get to go around with no shirts on. My youngest son looks at me and says, "Mom, I want to be a man. I want to be a big black man." I looked at the baby in her high chair to see if she had anything to add. She says, "Ohhhh!" I laughed so hard I choked on the bacon.
Yesterday, my daughter and I were at home alone. The boys were at the babysitter, and my youngest girl was on a visit. I was back in my pajamas laying on the couch, trying to get over this summer crud I seem to have caught. She decided she wanted to watch 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. After a particularly hectic scene with all those kids, I turned to my daughter and said, "Honey look! Before too long that will be us!" She looked at me in sheer horror. "Mom, are you serious?" I laughed so hard that I coughed, sneezed, and blew snot all over my blanket. How's that for a mental image? I think I gave my daughter her first gray hair!
This is only 4 things that have tickled my funny bone. I have so many, they could fill a whole book! You know, life is too short to not have a good laugh every now and then. I hope you had a few reading this.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Deodorant is not for eating!
I was going to write more about the trip but there has been a change of plans. We are going to take a slight detour.
Things are always crazy at my house, but more so than usual in the last few weeks. My two foster boys are 3 years and 6 years old and they are brothers. Their visits with their Mom changed to longer days, and they had specific behaviors as a result of it. They had family court and decided that after only 1 week, they needed to go back to just a few hours at a time. On top of that, I had two teenage girls stay at my house for respite for a week. We know these girls, but it was still new people in the house.
As a result of all of these changes, my youngest son has been acting out like crazy. He has been kicking, yelling, throwing things, throwing himself on the floor, talking back, arguing, and bullying the other kids. Did I mention he is only 3? Needless to say, it has been a lot to take in. I mean, I understand why he is doing it. He is so confused he doesn't even know which way is up. He is getting bounced around like crazy, told one thing and then another thing happens. He feels like he has no control and he doens't know how to take it. He dosen't have a choice.
Last week was the height of all this activity. He was being super deifiant, rolling his eyes and saying, "Fine, geez!" anytime I ask him to do something. No, I'm being completely serious! I couldn't make this stuff up. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that his body had been taken over by a moody teenage girl that was PMSing. No joke.
A week ago today, I was sitting on the couch with all the kids watching a movie. My youngest son was sitting on the floor playing. He looked up at me and said, "Can I play outside?" "No, we are watching a movie right now." He frowned at me. "But I don't want to watch a movie." I looked down at him. "Honey, we are having a little family togetherness right now. I want you to stay in the house with us." He stuck his bottom lip out at me, picked up a blue crayon off the floor and proceeded to color the couch with it, right underneath where I was sitting. I sat there for a second in disbelief before I sprang into action. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!! YOU ARE SPENDING THE REST OF THE EVENING IN YOUR ROOM!!" With that, I shut his bedroom door.
As if that wasn't enough, after an hour he comes out of his room and says, "Mom, I need to wipe off my tongue." I thought it was a ploy to get out of his room. "What is on your tongue?" I got a little closer to him and saw a soap-like substance on his mouth. "What did you get into?" He started at me as if I was stupid. "You NEED to tell me what you ate! It's important, it could make you sick!" He took me into his bedroom and showed me that he had eaten a whole stick of deoderant that his brother had left on his dresser. I asked him why he ate it and his response was, "Because I was mad I had to stay in my room." What am I supposed to do with that?!
So, I helped him to get some water in his mouth and spit. I had him lay down on his bed and I had to call the emergency number for my foster parenting agency to let them know that he had eaten deoderant. They advised me to call Poison Control. I called them and they said he should be okay but to check on him and call them back in an hour. They were concerned since they had never heard of a kid eating a whole stick of deoderant, just a bite and then spitting it out. He was fine. I was not.
I could not believe that he did that! The whole time I was on the phone I was so irritated!! Who does that? Who eats deoderant when they are mad? Who colors on the couch, right underneath their unbelieving mother? This kid must love to be in trouble! I had no clue where to go from here. He is a strong-willed child to be sure and those kind of children are difficult to raise. I wanted to call my Mom so bad! I have tried everything....grounding from TV and outside, taking away toys to the point that he didn't have any in his room anymore, taking away desserts, making him stay in his room, having him go to bed early, sitting in the naughty spot, even taking away fun activities. What else can I do? I cannot spank him, which is sometimes difficult because when push comes to shove I will spank my daughter. You can't spank foster kids though. They do not know the difference between abuse and discipline.
I seriously thought he had lost his ever loving mind. I needed a break. I called my case manager and asked her if he could go to respite for a few days so I could collect my bearings. He went to stay with a family that has become close to my heart. They are an awesome and God loving couple and they love my boys. I had told the wife the situation and she said she would reinforce that he needs to treat me with respect and try to figure out if there is anything that is behind his behaviors, other than the obvious.
After he left, I felt relief. I had been walking on eggshells for a while. That night I went to bed and I prayed, "Lord, I need some Divine strategy. I know that my son is in my home for a purpose. You put him here. I don't know what to do with him anymore. Can you help me please? Put in me what is going to help him get through this rough time, Father. Help me to reach him. I know he is only acting this way to me because he knows I will always be there so he can unleash his anger and frustration on me. I have been there through the ups and downs. I feel like he is trying to make me mad so I will lose it. I don't want that and I know you don't either. Please, restore the peace in my home and help me to help him."
A few days later I went to get him and he was doing the same things. I didn't react to it. I just kept thinking about the stupid things I did after my Mom died. I had just got divorced but didn't really want to be alone. My solution to that? I became a serial dater. Oh, I didn't sleep with any of them but I dated a lot. Like maybe 15 people in 6 months. I never really could make it past the 3rd date. I even had a system if I was bored with the date. I would have my sister in law call about 30 minutes in. If I wanted to get out of there, I would pretend that she was calling because my daughter had hurt herself and I needed to leave. Isn't that horrible?Maybe he really doesn't know why he is acting out. I didn't. I didn't want anyone to get too close to me, but I didn't want to be unattached either. Needless to say, I got over that. I haven't been on a date in 3 years. No, I didn't go from one extreme to another. I'm just waiting for God to send me the right one.
We all went to bed that night and I walked through the house praying. I pled the blood of Jesus over my home and children. I prayed warring angels to protect them through the night. I demanded that anything not of my Father to leave. This is my sanctuary. I literally prayed heaven down over my home and children. Then, I went to bed myself. I woke up the next morning with a new strategy. I was going to win my son over with praise. I felt like he was just trying to get my attention, so I was going to give it to him. I was going to let him know that I see him, and I love him.
At this point, he was throwing fits about everything. I would ask him to put his plate in the sink and he would throw himself down. So I started with little things. "Honey, you shut that door! Thank you for that! That made me so happy!! Give me a high five!" "Oh, look! You buckled your seat belt! Good job! Look how big you are!" Yeah, sounds corny right? But, it worked! This morning you know what I said? "Wowie! You made your bed and I didn't even ask you to?!! That's incredible honey! My heart is so big and happy right now!" He gave me a little giggle and huge little boy grin that made my heart soar. All he wanted to know was that I notice him. He wanted to know in his heart that I love him. Actions speak louder than words, at least that's how I feel. I showed him by clapping and dancing around like a mad woman when he did the smallest thing that was positive, even if it was just shutting the door behind himself without slamming it.
It has been only 3 days since he got back from respite, one week since the deoderant incident. Things are going amazing. The big test was tonight. We went to a resteraunt and had to wait 45 minutes for our food. It really was rediculous. There were 3 adults and 6 kids there and my youngest son was the best behaved of us all. He didn't yell or complain or run around. He didn't even roll his eyes! He just sat there. In fact, I got irritated and said how frustrating it was that we were having to wait so long. He said, "Mom, don't worry. They are working on it." On the way home, he was singing 'He is jealous for me' at the top of his lungs. I didn't even have the radio on. How's about them apples?
See, God does care about even the little things. He cares that I was at my breaking point with my son. He heard my cries of frustration and helped. Let me tell you, there is no way I could have come up with that one on my own! My Father knew exactly what my son needed. Thank you Lord for being the master of my home! Thank you for always listening to me. There is no way I could make it through the day without Your grace and love. Thank you for putting in me to love these foster children right past their pain and anger to the core of their little hearts. Thank you for using me as a vessle to heal their emotional wounds and give them a childhood. Thank you God, for loving me the same way. You know, I can freely give these kids this love only because it was given to me. God healed me of my pain and hurt. He stitched me right back together and gave me a purpose. What the enemy intended for my destruction, my Father and redeemer used it for good. How else could I relate to these kids?
Okay....a little side note here. I just had to let you guys know that my brood has increased. I already have my daughter who is 9, my foster sons who are 3 and 6. A few days ago I got a 14 month old little girl! Yay! She is so precious and the happiest little thing you have ever met. She may even be a better baby than my daughter was, and that's saying something! Shhh, don't tell her I said that! In case you have lost count, that is 4 children I have. They are thinking about placing one more with me at the end of the month and then I will be all full up. Can you believe it? Isn't God so good? My home is bursting at the seams with love and children. Does life get much better than this?
Things are always crazy at my house, but more so than usual in the last few weeks. My two foster boys are 3 years and 6 years old and they are brothers. Their visits with their Mom changed to longer days, and they had specific behaviors as a result of it. They had family court and decided that after only 1 week, they needed to go back to just a few hours at a time. On top of that, I had two teenage girls stay at my house for respite for a week. We know these girls, but it was still new people in the house.
As a result of all of these changes, my youngest son has been acting out like crazy. He has been kicking, yelling, throwing things, throwing himself on the floor, talking back, arguing, and bullying the other kids. Did I mention he is only 3? Needless to say, it has been a lot to take in. I mean, I understand why he is doing it. He is so confused he doesn't even know which way is up. He is getting bounced around like crazy, told one thing and then another thing happens. He feels like he has no control and he doens't know how to take it. He dosen't have a choice.
Last week was the height of all this activity. He was being super deifiant, rolling his eyes and saying, "Fine, geez!" anytime I ask him to do something. No, I'm being completely serious! I couldn't make this stuff up. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that his body had been taken over by a moody teenage girl that was PMSing. No joke.
A week ago today, I was sitting on the couch with all the kids watching a movie. My youngest son was sitting on the floor playing. He looked up at me and said, "Can I play outside?" "No, we are watching a movie right now." He frowned at me. "But I don't want to watch a movie." I looked down at him. "Honey, we are having a little family togetherness right now. I want you to stay in the house with us." He stuck his bottom lip out at me, picked up a blue crayon off the floor and proceeded to color the couch with it, right underneath where I was sitting. I sat there for a second in disbelief before I sprang into action. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!! YOU ARE SPENDING THE REST OF THE EVENING IN YOUR ROOM!!" With that, I shut his bedroom door.
As if that wasn't enough, after an hour he comes out of his room and says, "Mom, I need to wipe off my tongue." I thought it was a ploy to get out of his room. "What is on your tongue?" I got a little closer to him and saw a soap-like substance on his mouth. "What did you get into?" He started at me as if I was stupid. "You NEED to tell me what you ate! It's important, it could make you sick!" He took me into his bedroom and showed me that he had eaten a whole stick of deoderant that his brother had left on his dresser. I asked him why he ate it and his response was, "Because I was mad I had to stay in my room." What am I supposed to do with that?!
So, I helped him to get some water in his mouth and spit. I had him lay down on his bed and I had to call the emergency number for my foster parenting agency to let them know that he had eaten deoderant. They advised me to call Poison Control. I called them and they said he should be okay but to check on him and call them back in an hour. They were concerned since they had never heard of a kid eating a whole stick of deoderant, just a bite and then spitting it out. He was fine. I was not.
I could not believe that he did that! The whole time I was on the phone I was so irritated!! Who does that? Who eats deoderant when they are mad? Who colors on the couch, right underneath their unbelieving mother? This kid must love to be in trouble! I had no clue where to go from here. He is a strong-willed child to be sure and those kind of children are difficult to raise. I wanted to call my Mom so bad! I have tried everything....grounding from TV and outside, taking away toys to the point that he didn't have any in his room anymore, taking away desserts, making him stay in his room, having him go to bed early, sitting in the naughty spot, even taking away fun activities. What else can I do? I cannot spank him, which is sometimes difficult because when push comes to shove I will spank my daughter. You can't spank foster kids though. They do not know the difference between abuse and discipline.
I seriously thought he had lost his ever loving mind. I needed a break. I called my case manager and asked her if he could go to respite for a few days so I could collect my bearings. He went to stay with a family that has become close to my heart. They are an awesome and God loving couple and they love my boys. I had told the wife the situation and she said she would reinforce that he needs to treat me with respect and try to figure out if there is anything that is behind his behaviors, other than the obvious.
After he left, I felt relief. I had been walking on eggshells for a while. That night I went to bed and I prayed, "Lord, I need some Divine strategy. I know that my son is in my home for a purpose. You put him here. I don't know what to do with him anymore. Can you help me please? Put in me what is going to help him get through this rough time, Father. Help me to reach him. I know he is only acting this way to me because he knows I will always be there so he can unleash his anger and frustration on me. I have been there through the ups and downs. I feel like he is trying to make me mad so I will lose it. I don't want that and I know you don't either. Please, restore the peace in my home and help me to help him."
A few days later I went to get him and he was doing the same things. I didn't react to it. I just kept thinking about the stupid things I did after my Mom died. I had just got divorced but didn't really want to be alone. My solution to that? I became a serial dater. Oh, I didn't sleep with any of them but I dated a lot. Like maybe 15 people in 6 months. I never really could make it past the 3rd date. I even had a system if I was bored with the date. I would have my sister in law call about 30 minutes in. If I wanted to get out of there, I would pretend that she was calling because my daughter had hurt herself and I needed to leave. Isn't that horrible?Maybe he really doesn't know why he is acting out. I didn't. I didn't want anyone to get too close to me, but I didn't want to be unattached either. Needless to say, I got over that. I haven't been on a date in 3 years. No, I didn't go from one extreme to another. I'm just waiting for God to send me the right one.
We all went to bed that night and I walked through the house praying. I pled the blood of Jesus over my home and children. I prayed warring angels to protect them through the night. I demanded that anything not of my Father to leave. This is my sanctuary. I literally prayed heaven down over my home and children. Then, I went to bed myself. I woke up the next morning with a new strategy. I was going to win my son over with praise. I felt like he was just trying to get my attention, so I was going to give it to him. I was going to let him know that I see him, and I love him.
At this point, he was throwing fits about everything. I would ask him to put his plate in the sink and he would throw himself down. So I started with little things. "Honey, you shut that door! Thank you for that! That made me so happy!! Give me a high five!" "Oh, look! You buckled your seat belt! Good job! Look how big you are!" Yeah, sounds corny right? But, it worked! This morning you know what I said? "Wowie! You made your bed and I didn't even ask you to?!! That's incredible honey! My heart is so big and happy right now!" He gave me a little giggle and huge little boy grin that made my heart soar. All he wanted to know was that I notice him. He wanted to know in his heart that I love him. Actions speak louder than words, at least that's how I feel. I showed him by clapping and dancing around like a mad woman when he did the smallest thing that was positive, even if it was just shutting the door behind himself without slamming it.
It has been only 3 days since he got back from respite, one week since the deoderant incident. Things are going amazing. The big test was tonight. We went to a resteraunt and had to wait 45 minutes for our food. It really was rediculous. There were 3 adults and 6 kids there and my youngest son was the best behaved of us all. He didn't yell or complain or run around. He didn't even roll his eyes! He just sat there. In fact, I got irritated and said how frustrating it was that we were having to wait so long. He said, "Mom, don't worry. They are working on it." On the way home, he was singing 'He is jealous for me' at the top of his lungs. I didn't even have the radio on. How's about them apples?
See, God does care about even the little things. He cares that I was at my breaking point with my son. He heard my cries of frustration and helped. Let me tell you, there is no way I could have come up with that one on my own! My Father knew exactly what my son needed. Thank you Lord for being the master of my home! Thank you for always listening to me. There is no way I could make it through the day without Your grace and love. Thank you for putting in me to love these foster children right past their pain and anger to the core of their little hearts. Thank you for using me as a vessle to heal their emotional wounds and give them a childhood. Thank you God, for loving me the same way. You know, I can freely give these kids this love only because it was given to me. God healed me of my pain and hurt. He stitched me right back together and gave me a purpose. What the enemy intended for my destruction, my Father and redeemer used it for good. How else could I relate to these kids?
Okay....a little side note here. I just had to let you guys know that my brood has increased. I already have my daughter who is 9, my foster sons who are 3 and 6. A few days ago I got a 14 month old little girl! Yay! She is so precious and the happiest little thing you have ever met. She may even be a better baby than my daughter was, and that's saying something! Shhh, don't tell her I said that! In case you have lost count, that is 4 children I have. They are thinking about placing one more with me at the end of the month and then I will be all full up. Can you believe it? Isn't God so good? My home is bursting at the seams with love and children. Does life get much better than this?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I think I can, I think I can....
I know you have been waiting patiently so here it is, the first one of my blogs about my Mexico trip. It is hard to believe that I have been back now for 3 weeks. It was such an incredible time. I felt like I stretched my faith muscles. As necessary as it is for God to work on you like that from time to time, it can also be a very painful thing. I really hope that after hearing some of my experiences that it will encourage you to step out in faith and do a little mission work too. Everyone can do at least short-term missions. I was there for only a week. Hey, if I can do it, you better believe that you can too!
I knew when I first found out about this trip that it was going to be pretty amazing and life-changing for me. First of all, I was going to be going by myself. Don't get me wrong, I was going with other team members but I wasn't going to be going with any of my kids. My daughter is 9 years old. It has been at least that long since I have gone more than 2 days without her. Plus, I have been doing fostercare for more than a year now. So I have had at least 3 kids pretty much always around me for the last year. I am a Mom. It's what I do. I'm more than that but that is the season that I am in right now. Being away from all of them for a week was a little exciting, but mostly frightening.
Would they be okay? Would they think that I was leaving them forever? All my kids have issues that makes them scared that I might die or just leave and they would be alone. Even my daughter. They have all had important people in their lives leave them at a critical time. I had known about the mission trip since January so I had time to pray over them and talk it up to them. I assured them that I would be okay, a weeks not that long, nothing will happen to me. I'm not who I was reassuring the most, them or me. My neice called me about a week before I left and asked if it would be possible for them to hire an armed guard to be around me at all times. How precious is that? I told them all that I would be perfectly safe. I was going to a safe area, and wouldn't ever go anywhere by myself.
Even after all that, my kids were acting crazy the week before I left. Oh, they act crazy a good portion of the time, but they were working over time! I knew why. They were anxious and worried. Even though I knew that, it was hard to deal with because my own anxiety level was pretty high. I was worried about them, worried that they were feeling abandoned. I knew I probably would in their shoes. I had a tough one with that. We all prayed together as a family to get through it.
Then on the other hand, I had people who I know and love who thought I was crazy for going in the first place. 'You're a single mom, you have foster kids, you can't afford to take off work, why don't you do mission trips in the US.....the list goes on and on. My response was, "I have to go where God calls me. I'm nervous, but I'm excited. I have plans for my boys to stay at respite and my daughter is staying with my brother and his wife and then later going to my friends house. They are all excited that I get this opprotunity. Don't you want me to have this experience?" They looked at me kind of funny, but didn't bring it up again. Most of these people are not believers, or at least not a sold-out believer like I am. I will go where He sends me. Period, end of story. It was difficult to deal with at first but as the time got closer, I got more excited and it didn't bother me anymore.
The night before I left, all 4 of us slept in the living room. I was up late packing and then had a hard time sleeping. I prayed my way through it and finally slept about 4 hours. We all got up, the kids went to school after lots of hugs and kisses. I drove to Sterling to see my Grandma before I left. She is kind of my surrogate Mom. The loss of my mom was easier for us both because we could lean on one anotherin our greif. She can't replace my mom and I can't replace her daughter, but we can be their for each other. Her love and encouragement have seen me through some really tough times the last few years! She is so precious to me! Anyway, we visited for an hour or so and prayed. It was an awesome time. I drove back here to Great Bend and my friends came to pick me up to drive to Tulsa about an hour later.
That hour was very long for me. Doubts were running through my head like crazy. What am I doing? This Kansas girl who doesn't wear dresses, doesn't like to sweat, and has never been on an airplane is going to Mexico? Because of the culture there I would have to wear dresses, it's super hot and humid so I would sweat like crazy, and I have been known to be slightly clausterphobic!! What am I doing? I can't do this!!!!
Here is where I got down on my knees...."Father, you are the author and finisher of my faith. You have ordained this trip. There is no other way these things could have fallen into place to allow me to go. Thank you that when I am weakest is when You are at Your best. I love you and I trust you, Lord. Holy Spirit, give me peace. Give me the grace to get in the truck when my friends come. Keep me safe, keep my children safe. Thank you that we are all in the palm of Your gracious hand." I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. I could do this. Anything that my Father wants me to do, I can do. He won't give me more than I can handle.
Okay, I do realize that this was a teaser, but it would take a small book to write it all. So instead of that, I am going to write several blogs. Until next time.......
I knew when I first found out about this trip that it was going to be pretty amazing and life-changing for me. First of all, I was going to be going by myself. Don't get me wrong, I was going with other team members but I wasn't going to be going with any of my kids. My daughter is 9 years old. It has been at least that long since I have gone more than 2 days without her. Plus, I have been doing fostercare for more than a year now. So I have had at least 3 kids pretty much always around me for the last year. I am a Mom. It's what I do. I'm more than that but that is the season that I am in right now. Being away from all of them for a week was a little exciting, but mostly frightening.
Would they be okay? Would they think that I was leaving them forever? All my kids have issues that makes them scared that I might die or just leave and they would be alone. Even my daughter. They have all had important people in their lives leave them at a critical time. I had known about the mission trip since January so I had time to pray over them and talk it up to them. I assured them that I would be okay, a weeks not that long, nothing will happen to me. I'm not who I was reassuring the most, them or me. My neice called me about a week before I left and asked if it would be possible for them to hire an armed guard to be around me at all times. How precious is that? I told them all that I would be perfectly safe. I was going to a safe area, and wouldn't ever go anywhere by myself.
Even after all that, my kids were acting crazy the week before I left. Oh, they act crazy a good portion of the time, but they were working over time! I knew why. They were anxious and worried. Even though I knew that, it was hard to deal with because my own anxiety level was pretty high. I was worried about them, worried that they were feeling abandoned. I knew I probably would in their shoes. I had a tough one with that. We all prayed together as a family to get through it.
Then on the other hand, I had people who I know and love who thought I was crazy for going in the first place. 'You're a single mom, you have foster kids, you can't afford to take off work, why don't you do mission trips in the US.....the list goes on and on. My response was, "I have to go where God calls me. I'm nervous, but I'm excited. I have plans for my boys to stay at respite and my daughter is staying with my brother and his wife and then later going to my friends house. They are all excited that I get this opprotunity. Don't you want me to have this experience?" They looked at me kind of funny, but didn't bring it up again. Most of these people are not believers, or at least not a sold-out believer like I am. I will go where He sends me. Period, end of story. It was difficult to deal with at first but as the time got closer, I got more excited and it didn't bother me anymore.
The night before I left, all 4 of us slept in the living room. I was up late packing and then had a hard time sleeping. I prayed my way through it and finally slept about 4 hours. We all got up, the kids went to school after lots of hugs and kisses. I drove to Sterling to see my Grandma before I left. She is kind of my surrogate Mom. The loss of my mom was easier for us both because we could lean on one anotherin our greif. She can't replace my mom and I can't replace her daughter, but we can be their for each other. Her love and encouragement have seen me through some really tough times the last few years! She is so precious to me! Anyway, we visited for an hour or so and prayed. It was an awesome time. I drove back here to Great Bend and my friends came to pick me up to drive to Tulsa about an hour later.
That hour was very long for me. Doubts were running through my head like crazy. What am I doing? This Kansas girl who doesn't wear dresses, doesn't like to sweat, and has never been on an airplane is going to Mexico? Because of the culture there I would have to wear dresses, it's super hot and humid so I would sweat like crazy, and I have been known to be slightly clausterphobic!! What am I doing? I can't do this!!!!
Here is where I got down on my knees...."Father, you are the author and finisher of my faith. You have ordained this trip. There is no other way these things could have fallen into place to allow me to go. Thank you that when I am weakest is when You are at Your best. I love you and I trust you, Lord. Holy Spirit, give me peace. Give me the grace to get in the truck when my friends come. Keep me safe, keep my children safe. Thank you that we are all in the palm of Your gracious hand." I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. I could do this. Anything that my Father wants me to do, I can do. He won't give me more than I can handle.
Okay, I do realize that this was a teaser, but it would take a small book to write it all. So instead of that, I am going to write several blogs. Until next time.......
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Funny Girls!
Okay so here is another blog that is not going to be about my mission trip. I promise I will get to it but there has been some funny stuff going on at my house this week that I just have to share with you guys. The last blog was kind of serious and that's okay. It was probably the most personal one I have written yet. It took a lot of prayer for me to write that and share it with you guys. Sometimes it's really hard to put myself out there like that but a lot of people responded postively so I think it was worth it.
On Sunday, I went to pick up my 8 year old neice so she could come stay with me for a week. Her and I both have really been looking forward to her coming because I haven't really spent any one on one time with her. She is on of 3 girls and I always have a house full of kids so it has pretty much gotten put on the back burner. I was bound and determined that when she came, I was going to find that time.
On Monday, we did. The boys were on an all day visit with their Mom and my daughter was with a friend for a few hours in the morning so we decided to take advantage of it. We decided to go grocery shopping. I was wearing a summer dress with a chunky necklace so I was feeling pretty good. I know, shocking right? I said I never wear dresses and that was one thing I was worried about when I went to Mexico! Well, I came to realize that if you wear the right dress, they are very cooling and comfy to the point of feeling like you are wearing pajamas. Plus, they are just plain cute. Needless to say, that is one of the things that God dealt with me on my trip. So now this jeans and boots girl is a summer dress girl! Who would have ever thought?
When we got to the grocery store it has started to sprinkle a little bit. I wasn't too worried because shopping for food always takes me a while. I have a list in one hand and coupons in the other. It's serious business. I have to go every day that I work for the Bistro so I really don't like to go to the store anymore than is absolutely necessary. When I shop, I buy for like a month or so at a time so I don't have to worry about it. We were visiting and she was helping me pick out stuff. About halfway through I hear a crack of thunder and it starts pouring rain so hard that I had a hard time hearing my neice talk, and she was standing right next to me! I was thinking to myself, "We are only halfway through. It will have stopped by the time we are done." I was wrong. We walked out front and it was still raining cats and dogs. I looked at my neice and she looked at me. I said, "Okay, we are going to make a run for it. You get in the car and I will load the groceries." She looked up at me and replied, "No, Aunt Hannah. If you are going to get wet then I will too." What a trooper!
We loaded our cart full of groceries into the back of the car and hopped in. We were literally so wet that it looked like we had taken a shower with our clothes on. We got everything in the house, changed, and then started to put stuff away. When we were reorganizing the fridge so we could fit everything we bought in it, she told me,"Aunt Hannah, did you know that your name sounds really good with 'Aunt' in front of it?" I smiled at her. "You know what? You are right. It does sound good like that doesn't it?" "Yep, I think God made you especially to be an Aunt. You are really good at it!" How precious is she? I love these little moments!
The next day the boys had another all day visit with their Mom. Both girls knew it so when we said their goodnight prayers, they prayed for it to be warm enough for us to go to the pool. They were really excited about the prospect of going without the little guys tagging along. They love them, but sometimes they really cramp their style. Anyone who has little brothers understands that one, right? This is how it went. I will call them Red and Blondie to clarify the difference....
Red - "Dear Lord, we really want to go swimming tomorrow. Tomorrow is the only day that we can go without the boys because Mom says when they are here we can't leave them out because it's rude."
Blondie - "Yeah, God. I understand why Aunt Hannah says that because I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I do really want to go without them. The best way to do that is to make the rain stop so that we can go swimming tomorrow when they are gone. Then they won't have to know so it won't hurt their feelings."
Red - "Thanks God! Love you goodnight!"
Blondie - "Yeah, goodnight God! And can you please make the puppies come in my dreams so I won't have nightmares? Thanks. Love you!"
Red and Blondie in unison - "Amen"
Red to Blondie - "Don't worry. I know that it will be sunny tomorrow because Mom says when two or more agree and pray that God pays extra special attention."
Blondie - "Cool! Aunt Hannah is so smart!"
They went to sleep without another word. I know I have said it before, but it bares repeating. My kids are such an inspiration to me. They slept without a worry because they had gone before their Heavenly Father with prayer and appreciation with their request and they had faith that it would happen. And it did. We got to so swimming the next day. I aspire to be more like that. I pray about and say that I give my worries and problems over to God. The tricky part is not picking that worry back up. I need to just leave it with Him and trust that He will take care of it. He can and will. After all, He is God. If He created the heaven and the earth than He can take care of my piddly problems, piece of cake. Thank you Lord for my children and these precious moments. Thank you for using them to remind me of the childlike faith that You want me to have.
PS With these funny, silly kids around me all the time, is it any wonder that I don't have cable? Who needs it?!
On Sunday, I went to pick up my 8 year old neice so she could come stay with me for a week. Her and I both have really been looking forward to her coming because I haven't really spent any one on one time with her. She is on of 3 girls and I always have a house full of kids so it has pretty much gotten put on the back burner. I was bound and determined that when she came, I was going to find that time.
On Monday, we did. The boys were on an all day visit with their Mom and my daughter was with a friend for a few hours in the morning so we decided to take advantage of it. We decided to go grocery shopping. I was wearing a summer dress with a chunky necklace so I was feeling pretty good. I know, shocking right? I said I never wear dresses and that was one thing I was worried about when I went to Mexico! Well, I came to realize that if you wear the right dress, they are very cooling and comfy to the point of feeling like you are wearing pajamas. Plus, they are just plain cute. Needless to say, that is one of the things that God dealt with me on my trip. So now this jeans and boots girl is a summer dress girl! Who would have ever thought?
When we got to the grocery store it has started to sprinkle a little bit. I wasn't too worried because shopping for food always takes me a while. I have a list in one hand and coupons in the other. It's serious business. I have to go every day that I work for the Bistro so I really don't like to go to the store anymore than is absolutely necessary. When I shop, I buy for like a month or so at a time so I don't have to worry about it. We were visiting and she was helping me pick out stuff. About halfway through I hear a crack of thunder and it starts pouring rain so hard that I had a hard time hearing my neice talk, and she was standing right next to me! I was thinking to myself, "We are only halfway through. It will have stopped by the time we are done." I was wrong. We walked out front and it was still raining cats and dogs. I looked at my neice and she looked at me. I said, "Okay, we are going to make a run for it. You get in the car and I will load the groceries." She looked up at me and replied, "No, Aunt Hannah. If you are going to get wet then I will too." What a trooper!
We loaded our cart full of groceries into the back of the car and hopped in. We were literally so wet that it looked like we had taken a shower with our clothes on. We got everything in the house, changed, and then started to put stuff away. When we were reorganizing the fridge so we could fit everything we bought in it, she told me,"Aunt Hannah, did you know that your name sounds really good with 'Aunt' in front of it?" I smiled at her. "You know what? You are right. It does sound good like that doesn't it?" "Yep, I think God made you especially to be an Aunt. You are really good at it!" How precious is she? I love these little moments!
The next day the boys had another all day visit with their Mom. Both girls knew it so when we said their goodnight prayers, they prayed for it to be warm enough for us to go to the pool. They were really excited about the prospect of going without the little guys tagging along. They love them, but sometimes they really cramp their style. Anyone who has little brothers understands that one, right? This is how it went. I will call them Red and Blondie to clarify the difference....
Red - "Dear Lord, we really want to go swimming tomorrow. Tomorrow is the only day that we can go without the boys because Mom says when they are here we can't leave them out because it's rude."
Blondie - "Yeah, God. I understand why Aunt Hannah says that because I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I do really want to go without them. The best way to do that is to make the rain stop so that we can go swimming tomorrow when they are gone. Then they won't have to know so it won't hurt their feelings."
Red - "Thanks God! Love you goodnight!"
Blondie - "Yeah, goodnight God! And can you please make the puppies come in my dreams so I won't have nightmares? Thanks. Love you!"
Red and Blondie in unison - "Amen"
Red to Blondie - "Don't worry. I know that it will be sunny tomorrow because Mom says when two or more agree and pray that God pays extra special attention."
Blondie - "Cool! Aunt Hannah is so smart!"
They went to sleep without another word. I know I have said it before, but it bares repeating. My kids are such an inspiration to me. They slept without a worry because they had gone before their Heavenly Father with prayer and appreciation with their request and they had faith that it would happen. And it did. We got to so swimming the next day. I aspire to be more like that. I pray about and say that I give my worries and problems over to God. The tricky part is not picking that worry back up. I need to just leave it with Him and trust that He will take care of it. He can and will. After all, He is God. If He created the heaven and the earth than He can take care of my piddly problems, piece of cake. Thank you Lord for my children and these precious moments. Thank you for using them to remind me of the childlike faith that You want me to have.
PS With these funny, silly kids around me all the time, is it any wonder that I don't have cable? Who needs it?!
Monday, June 7, 2010
My Divine Romance
Okay, I know you guys are going to expect for me to write about the amazing things that happened on my trip. After all, I have been home for a week now so I should have had time to process stuff and have enough material for several blogs right? Well, I do and I will get to those. However, Saturday night I just had this revelation that I need to share with you guys.
Like I have said before, God made me a promise about my husband back in September. It hasn't been easy to try to be patient. Right after that, God laid on my heart Hebrews 10:23 and I have typed it up and it has been tacked on my hallway wall ever since. While I was in Mexico, God was dealing with me some more about my husband and his promises. I will have to tell you more about that later. I am more at peace with that than I have been in a long time.
I was laying in my bed and having a hard time falling asleep. When my mind won't settle down I have made it my routine to talk to my Heavenly Father and kind of let my mind wander where it wants. These are the times when I have had some truley incredible, divine breakthroughs. I think that that is when God talks to me the most. I am not moving and my body is relaxed and my kids are asleep so it's like he has my undivided attention. Like one on one time between me and my Daddy. These times really are precious to me.
I was laying there and thinking about what I needed my husband to be. I needed him to be the spirtually strong leader of my home. I need him to be an incredible father to my children, especially my daughter. She is my precious one. I love my foster kids like they are my own, don't get me wrong. But my daughter is such a shining light. She is so incredibly loving and sweet. I have blogged about this before but she really needs a daddy that will love her and cherish her and tell her how amazing she is. A man that will treat her heart with tender, loving care. I would want him to be a prayer warrior. I would want him to be my protector. Someone that will walk through life with me. I want him to cherish me and think that I am the most incredible woman that he has ever met. That's not too much to ask. I know it's not because that's what my Daddy wants for me. Not only am I His princess and beloved daughter, but so are my kids. He does not want just any man to be in our lives. He has a specific one picked out.
Then I was thinking how wonderful it will be when I meet him. Awesome and nerveracking at the same time. This will be the man that I will spend the rest of my life with! I have never had anyone love me that much or treat me that good. Oh, to be courted and romanced by my husband....it will be a completely new experience for me. How exciting to know that I don't have to settle! God doesn't want me to! He wants only the best for me. You have no idea how liberating that is! To know that he is not something that I have to seek out or wish upon a star.....this is going to happen. Thank you God!
So, as all these things are running through my head an undeniable fact zinged through my spirit. I have been courted and loved and cherished like that.
A year ago, I was having surgery to have a tumor removed. I prayed to God like I always did when I needed something but it was different this time. As I was being wheeled into the operating room, I had this undeniable peace. I was okay. From that point on, my life was changed. God started romancing me. He led me to this church that I had an incredible and extremely personal encounter with Him. I asked Him to be the Lord of my life for the last time. I wanted nothing else. No matter what it took, I wanted to follow Him. I wanted that peace to be with me for the rest of my life. I would die of thirst without it. Once you have tasted that kind of peace and love, it's intoxicating. You cannot live without it. I could not go back. I was hooked. I was in love.
It was a very scary thing. I had been hurt severely by family, friends, and ex-husbands. I had built my walls so high and thick I thought no one would ever get through to my heart. To let someone in would mean they would have the power to hurt me. I could never let them see the real me. I could never let anyone see my pain and fear. God gently broke through them all. He wanted my heart. He wouldn't stop until He had all of me. You see, once I gave myself to Him, He claimed me. I was His. He wanted to heal me from the inside out. He came to restore. He came to love. He came to overcome all the hurt that had been done to me.
When I could no longer be around some of my family or friends because they couldn't understand the new me, He was there. That was a new kind of hurt. I am a very social person and it was hard to have no one to talk to. It was a lonely few months. He drew me closer to Him. I really pressed in and cried out to God and poured my hurt at His feet. He then provided awesome Christian friends that are so close to me that they are my spiritual family.
He healed me from my past abusive relationships. He let me know that marriage isn't ownership by putting awesome Christian couples in my life. I knew that for them, God was in the middle of their marriage and that's what made the difference. Their marriages were solid partnerships.
He has been faithful and good. He has shown me beautiful things. He has given me incredible hope where there was none before. He filled up this empty shell into something useful. Not only useful, but lovely. He has made me who I am. He loves me. I am His cherished one. He even brought me all the way to Mexico to see and experinence indescribable things. He gave me the beauty of the flowers, the ocean, the birds, and the freeing worship there. He put me in a place that was quiet and I was a bit out of my element with no kids to take care of. I had to focus on me. He wanted me to slow down for a minute.
He is truley the lover of my soul. I am smack dab in the middle of a divine romance. I have been being courted for most of my life. I have only just now become aware of it. Let me tell you something, it is the most humbling thing. How can I ever repay all the things the He has done for me? He doens't even want anything in return! He wants me to have the best things in life, just because that's who He is. Is it any wonder that I am head over heels for my Lord and Savior? I am on fire for Him!
You have no idea how that made me feel. I finally connected the dots. I don't have to wait to feel that kind of love. I experience it every day! Don't get me wrong, I am still looking forward to meeting my husband and all the wonderful things that will go along with it. It's just that I don't need my husband to complete me. I'm going to remember to always keep God first in my life because only by His grace am I here at all. I can only imagine how it will be when I meet the man who feels the same way about my God that I do! Thank you God for your faithfulness and your love. I recieve it! I want nothing more than to live my life for You. Thank you for making me whole again. Thank you for saving my life.
Okay I have saved the best news for last....all this can be yours too! God wants to be the lover of your soul, your restorer, your redeemer. He is waiting to start romancing you. Just wait and see! You think this little bit of my story is awesome, He has something special in mind just for yoiu. He knows you and He loves you. He has been waiting all your life for you to come back home. I can't wait to hear about your very own divine romance!
Like I have said before, God made me a promise about my husband back in September. It hasn't been easy to try to be patient. Right after that, God laid on my heart Hebrews 10:23 and I have typed it up and it has been tacked on my hallway wall ever since. While I was in Mexico, God was dealing with me some more about my husband and his promises. I will have to tell you more about that later. I am more at peace with that than I have been in a long time.
I was laying in my bed and having a hard time falling asleep. When my mind won't settle down I have made it my routine to talk to my Heavenly Father and kind of let my mind wander where it wants. These are the times when I have had some truley incredible, divine breakthroughs. I think that that is when God talks to me the most. I am not moving and my body is relaxed and my kids are asleep so it's like he has my undivided attention. Like one on one time between me and my Daddy. These times really are precious to me.
I was laying there and thinking about what I needed my husband to be. I needed him to be the spirtually strong leader of my home. I need him to be an incredible father to my children, especially my daughter. She is my precious one. I love my foster kids like they are my own, don't get me wrong. But my daughter is such a shining light. She is so incredibly loving and sweet. I have blogged about this before but she really needs a daddy that will love her and cherish her and tell her how amazing she is. A man that will treat her heart with tender, loving care. I would want him to be a prayer warrior. I would want him to be my protector. Someone that will walk through life with me. I want him to cherish me and think that I am the most incredible woman that he has ever met. That's not too much to ask. I know it's not because that's what my Daddy wants for me. Not only am I His princess and beloved daughter, but so are my kids. He does not want just any man to be in our lives. He has a specific one picked out.
Then I was thinking how wonderful it will be when I meet him. Awesome and nerveracking at the same time. This will be the man that I will spend the rest of my life with! I have never had anyone love me that much or treat me that good. Oh, to be courted and romanced by my husband....it will be a completely new experience for me. How exciting to know that I don't have to settle! God doesn't want me to! He wants only the best for me. You have no idea how liberating that is! To know that he is not something that I have to seek out or wish upon a star.....this is going to happen. Thank you God!
So, as all these things are running through my head an undeniable fact zinged through my spirit. I have been courted and loved and cherished like that.
A year ago, I was having surgery to have a tumor removed. I prayed to God like I always did when I needed something but it was different this time. As I was being wheeled into the operating room, I had this undeniable peace. I was okay. From that point on, my life was changed. God started romancing me. He led me to this church that I had an incredible and extremely personal encounter with Him. I asked Him to be the Lord of my life for the last time. I wanted nothing else. No matter what it took, I wanted to follow Him. I wanted that peace to be with me for the rest of my life. I would die of thirst without it. Once you have tasted that kind of peace and love, it's intoxicating. You cannot live without it. I could not go back. I was hooked. I was in love.
It was a very scary thing. I had been hurt severely by family, friends, and ex-husbands. I had built my walls so high and thick I thought no one would ever get through to my heart. To let someone in would mean they would have the power to hurt me. I could never let them see the real me. I could never let anyone see my pain and fear. God gently broke through them all. He wanted my heart. He wouldn't stop until He had all of me. You see, once I gave myself to Him, He claimed me. I was His. He wanted to heal me from the inside out. He came to restore. He came to love. He came to overcome all the hurt that had been done to me.
When I could no longer be around some of my family or friends because they couldn't understand the new me, He was there. That was a new kind of hurt. I am a very social person and it was hard to have no one to talk to. It was a lonely few months. He drew me closer to Him. I really pressed in and cried out to God and poured my hurt at His feet. He then provided awesome Christian friends that are so close to me that they are my spiritual family.
He healed me from my past abusive relationships. He let me know that marriage isn't ownership by putting awesome Christian couples in my life. I knew that for them, God was in the middle of their marriage and that's what made the difference. Their marriages were solid partnerships.
He has been faithful and good. He has shown me beautiful things. He has given me incredible hope where there was none before. He filled up this empty shell into something useful. Not only useful, but lovely. He has made me who I am. He loves me. I am His cherished one. He even brought me all the way to Mexico to see and experinence indescribable things. He gave me the beauty of the flowers, the ocean, the birds, and the freeing worship there. He put me in a place that was quiet and I was a bit out of my element with no kids to take care of. I had to focus on me. He wanted me to slow down for a minute.
He is truley the lover of my soul. I am smack dab in the middle of a divine romance. I have been being courted for most of my life. I have only just now become aware of it. Let me tell you something, it is the most humbling thing. How can I ever repay all the things the He has done for me? He doens't even want anything in return! He wants me to have the best things in life, just because that's who He is. Is it any wonder that I am head over heels for my Lord and Savior? I am on fire for Him!
You have no idea how that made me feel. I finally connected the dots. I don't have to wait to feel that kind of love. I experience it every day! Don't get me wrong, I am still looking forward to meeting my husband and all the wonderful things that will go along with it. It's just that I don't need my husband to complete me. I'm going to remember to always keep God first in my life because only by His grace am I here at all. I can only imagine how it will be when I meet the man who feels the same way about my God that I do! Thank you God for your faithfulness and your love. I recieve it! I want nothing more than to live my life for You. Thank you for making me whole again. Thank you for saving my life.
Okay I have saved the best news for last....all this can be yours too! God wants to be the lover of your soul, your restorer, your redeemer. He is waiting to start romancing you. Just wait and see! You think this little bit of my story is awesome, He has something special in mind just for yoiu. He knows you and He loves you. He has been waiting all your life for you to come back home. I can't wait to hear about your very own divine romance!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Stress and relief
Hey my blogger buddies! I have had some ideas for some blogs for a while now but I couldn't sit down to focus my thoughts. I have too much stuff running around in my head to not write tonight. There has been so much awesome stuff happening this week that I just had to share!
This week started out pretty frustrating. My boss is out of the country on a much deserved cruise, so I have been running his little Bistro by myself. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal but I didn't consider everything else I would have going on at the same time. I had 3 finals this week on top of the kids and my other job. I realized it would be a little more stressful than I planned. The timing wasn't real great but that's okay. I could handle it.
Then, I got a phone call on Saturday, the day my boss was leaving town. One of our regular customers wanted a catering job done to be picked up Monday afternoon! That was an awesome blessing for the business, but stress city for me! Not only would I be running the Bistro by myself, I would be doing the catering job by myself. Oh, and did I mention I have never actually done the catering side before? My boss and his wife had always done that part. Well, I guess everyone has to learn somehow. Sometimes, I just wonder why it seems that I always have to learn by being thrown into things headfirst!
Needless to say, I made it through the day just fine. I didn't even pull all my hair out. I got the job done and the customer seemed pleased. Score 1 for Hannah! Afterwards, I felt pretty good. I had proven myself capable of swimming when I was thrown in the deep end. Go me!
On Tuesday I decided that I needed to get a few capris and shirts for my trip next week. I was kicking myself because at the end of last Summer I threw away all my shorts and capris. I had been wearing the same ones for 3 years and was sick of them. I figured since I will be in Mexico in May, it is bound to be hot. I won't be able to wear my jeans and boots there and be comfortable. Shuckie-darn! I had the horrible task of going shopping in my favorite store.....teehee!
Anyway, I get there and my regular sales girls weren't there. The store was being run by a bunch of teenage girls I didn't know. I went and picked out things to try on and my daughter and I went in the dressing room. I found a few things I liked but needed different sizes, one bigger and one smaller. I sent my daughter out with the items to give to the salespeople. I stood there in my underwear for 10 minutes. I started to get chilly so I put on my clothes and went out to find out what was taking so long. Immediately I see my daughter at the front counter, standing by a sales associate who was talking to another sales associate, my clothes in her hand. The other girl leaves and the girl holding my clothes starts wandering around aimlessly.
My daughter looks at me and shrugs. I said, "What is she doing? Didn't you give her those shorts?" "I did Mom. She just now started looking for them. She has been talking to that other girl." She replied. My eyebrows raised. My temper was starting to rise. My daughter could tell too. I walked over to the girl, my daughter close on my heels. She had begun to talk to the other associate who was working. I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, I sent my daughter to you 10 minutes ago with 2 pairs of shorts to get me different sizes." She looked confused. She looked at the clothing in her hand and then looked back at me. "Oh, yeah. Well, I like, couldn't find the right size." Then, she popped her gum and stared at me. My eyebrows got higher. My daughter was getting nervous. She knows when my eyebrows disappear into my hairline, I am not at all happy and someone else is getting ready to not be happy right along with me.
However, instead of blowing up I went back to the dressing room and put on my shoes. On my way out the door I asked when the manager was going to be in. They told me and I stalked away. I was super frustrated! I had never been treated that way in that store. I shop there so much that the sales people know my name. They even know my size and help me pick out clothes because they know the style of stuff I like. They know the names and ages of my kids too. Where am I going to get my clothes now? Plus, we are in Kansas so what is with the Valley Girl accents? Like, get real, like. Grrrr!!
I went home frustrated. I sat and stewed for a while and then got over it. I can always go in when different people are there. Those girls just made me feel like I was beneath them. I really don't like it when people do that. To be fair though, I am sometimes sensitive to stuff like that so I have to take that particular feeling with a grain of salt. Tomorrow was a new day and I had plenty of time to shop.
Wednesday was the morning I was going to cut out my dresses. Yes, I did say dresses. As a respect to their culture, the women on the mission base have to wear skirts in services and when they leave the base. We will be worshiping and leaving the base almost every day. This presented a problem to this girl who never wears dresses. I decided it would be a better idea to have my sister-in-law sew me some flowy dresses than to wear a shirt with a skirt. We went to cut it out and the pattern was too small for me!
I know that patterns run small because I used to help my Mom sew all the time. When we made my 8th grade graduation formal, we had to get a pattern that was 2 sizes bigger than the clothes I wear off the rack. I knew all that, but it still upset me. I sat down and cried. If I knew about this trip 5 months ago, why aren't I 50 pounds lighter? Why didn't I spend every waking minute exercising and dieting? I mean, I'm not a cow but I'm not skinny minny either. I am a woman with real curves. I was really depressed now. I was even starting to not want to go. So instead of crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head, I called a good friend of mine.
Somehow she managed to understand my dilemma through my tears. She gave me a Mom worthy pep talk. The things she told me really made sense. I went something like this...."You have been looking forward to this trip for long time. People have been saying that whole time that you are going to have incredible experiences there. Do you think the enemy want you there, knowing it will be a life changing experience for you? No way! Besides, you are not that big. I don't want you to say that you are thinking about not going, because you are going. In fact, all this trouble should make you even more excited. You wouldn't be having all these problems now, if amazing things weren't going to happen there." We talked about some other things. Before I got off the phone she told me that before I bought anything I should come to her house. She has some clothes that were too small she thought I would like.
I was feeling much better after our talk. I went to drop my youngest off at the babysitters and headed to her house. She was grinning and said for me to sit down and look through the trash sack full of things she had put together. I sat down and started pulling things out one by one. Every single thing in there was my style and my size! I looked up at her with my jaw dropped. A few things even had tags on them! "Where did you get all this?" "Well, I have had this stuff for a while. I just couldn't get rid of it. When I was going through these clothes to put some together for you I just kept thinking, 'Okay God, You are so funny!" I could not believe it! If I hadn't been late to work already, I probably would have given her a little fashion show right then and there, just to see if everything fit.
I got home and tried the clothes on and all but 2 shirts fit me like they were made for me! I can't make this stuff up! I was on cloud 9! My Heavenly Daddy saw my frustration and provided me with clothes for this trip! There are still a few things I have to get but I'm pretty well set. Oh, and my sister-in-laws Grandma is going to sew my dresses for me.
I know that this sounds like a trivial thing, but it was a big deal to me. It seems like just when I am getting frustrated and I pray for Him to reign me in, He comes to the rescue for me. Not only that, but my God does it in such a way that there is now way that it could come anywhere but from Him. Talk about confirmation! I am so over the moon that there are no words to describe!
Mexico here I come! Not that I'm counting or anything, but I leave in 6 days. So excited! The awesome thing is, if God can do these wonderful things for me, He can for you too. God is not a respecter of persons. We are all the same in His eyes. I'm not saying that He will provide you with a trash bag full of clothes but if you turn to Him in your frustration, He will provide for you.
It's like my youngest sons constant struggle with getting dressed in the morning. He always comes out of the bedroom with everything backwards, even underwear. I ask him to go fix it and he starts crying in frustration and sits down and cries. "It's too hard! I can't do it!" I stand there and look at him. He cries for a few minutes and then looks at me. "Mom, can you help me?" I smile at him. "Honey, I was just waiting for you to ask. Using your words is much more effective than throwing a fit isn't it? Here, let me show this trick that my Mom taught me when I was your age....." In no time at all, he is all smiles. He has learned that all he has to do is ask for help and he will get it. He is also learning that the sooner he asks for help, the less frustrated he gets. He has started setting them out upside down so when he puts them on they will be right.
This is something I struggle with. No, I don't mean putting my clothes on backwards. Asking for help instead of internalizing stuff is not always easy. Oh, sure I have lots of friends and am a very social person. Before I started walking with God, I didn't want to count on anyone but myself for most things. Then my Mom died and it seemed that my lifeline died too. I didn't have anyone that I could call in a panic and they would understand drop everything to take care of me. For a few years I walked around dreading what would happen if something really bad went down with me. Then, it happened. I had a tumor that needed removed. I was terrified. I needed help. I couldn't do this one on my own.
In this place of terror, I cried out to God. "Help me Lord! Heal me Lord!" He did heal me. Tumor was taken out and non cancerous. My family and friends pulled through for me too. The next week, my then landlord invited me to her church. I went and it changed my life. God met me there. I'll never be the same. I was done spinning my wheels. I asked for and received help. God was waiting for me that whole time. He was patiently watching me struggle with things and sometimes even throw fits. When I was finally still and looked up at Him and said, "Father will you help me? Will you forgive me?" He looked down at me and said, "Honey I was just waiting for you to ask. Will you follow Me? Will you let me show you the way? I want what's best for you. I will always be right here to help you, my princess. Please remember that."
Don't be afraid to ask for help. He is waiting and watching for you.
This week started out pretty frustrating. My boss is out of the country on a much deserved cruise, so I have been running his little Bistro by myself. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal but I didn't consider everything else I would have going on at the same time. I had 3 finals this week on top of the kids and my other job. I realized it would be a little more stressful than I planned. The timing wasn't real great but that's okay. I could handle it.
Then, I got a phone call on Saturday, the day my boss was leaving town. One of our regular customers wanted a catering job done to be picked up Monday afternoon! That was an awesome blessing for the business, but stress city for me! Not only would I be running the Bistro by myself, I would be doing the catering job by myself. Oh, and did I mention I have never actually done the catering side before? My boss and his wife had always done that part. Well, I guess everyone has to learn somehow. Sometimes, I just wonder why it seems that I always have to learn by being thrown into things headfirst!
Needless to say, I made it through the day just fine. I didn't even pull all my hair out. I got the job done and the customer seemed pleased. Score 1 for Hannah! Afterwards, I felt pretty good. I had proven myself capable of swimming when I was thrown in the deep end. Go me!
On Tuesday I decided that I needed to get a few capris and shirts for my trip next week. I was kicking myself because at the end of last Summer I threw away all my shorts and capris. I had been wearing the same ones for 3 years and was sick of them. I figured since I will be in Mexico in May, it is bound to be hot. I won't be able to wear my jeans and boots there and be comfortable. Shuckie-darn! I had the horrible task of going shopping in my favorite store.....teehee!
Anyway, I get there and my regular sales girls weren't there. The store was being run by a bunch of teenage girls I didn't know. I went and picked out things to try on and my daughter and I went in the dressing room. I found a few things I liked but needed different sizes, one bigger and one smaller. I sent my daughter out with the items to give to the salespeople. I stood there in my underwear for 10 minutes. I started to get chilly so I put on my clothes and went out to find out what was taking so long. Immediately I see my daughter at the front counter, standing by a sales associate who was talking to another sales associate, my clothes in her hand. The other girl leaves and the girl holding my clothes starts wandering around aimlessly.
My daughter looks at me and shrugs. I said, "What is she doing? Didn't you give her those shorts?" "I did Mom. She just now started looking for them. She has been talking to that other girl." She replied. My eyebrows raised. My temper was starting to rise. My daughter could tell too. I walked over to the girl, my daughter close on my heels. She had begun to talk to the other associate who was working. I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, I sent my daughter to you 10 minutes ago with 2 pairs of shorts to get me different sizes." She looked confused. She looked at the clothing in her hand and then looked back at me. "Oh, yeah. Well, I like, couldn't find the right size." Then, she popped her gum and stared at me. My eyebrows got higher. My daughter was getting nervous. She knows when my eyebrows disappear into my hairline, I am not at all happy and someone else is getting ready to not be happy right along with me.
However, instead of blowing up I went back to the dressing room and put on my shoes. On my way out the door I asked when the manager was going to be in. They told me and I stalked away. I was super frustrated! I had never been treated that way in that store. I shop there so much that the sales people know my name. They even know my size and help me pick out clothes because they know the style of stuff I like. They know the names and ages of my kids too. Where am I going to get my clothes now? Plus, we are in Kansas so what is with the Valley Girl accents? Like, get real, like. Grrrr!!
I went home frustrated. I sat and stewed for a while and then got over it. I can always go in when different people are there. Those girls just made me feel like I was beneath them. I really don't like it when people do that. To be fair though, I am sometimes sensitive to stuff like that so I have to take that particular feeling with a grain of salt. Tomorrow was a new day and I had plenty of time to shop.
Wednesday was the morning I was going to cut out my dresses. Yes, I did say dresses. As a respect to their culture, the women on the mission base have to wear skirts in services and when they leave the base. We will be worshiping and leaving the base almost every day. This presented a problem to this girl who never wears dresses. I decided it would be a better idea to have my sister-in-law sew me some flowy dresses than to wear a shirt with a skirt. We went to cut it out and the pattern was too small for me!
I know that patterns run small because I used to help my Mom sew all the time. When we made my 8th grade graduation formal, we had to get a pattern that was 2 sizes bigger than the clothes I wear off the rack. I knew all that, but it still upset me. I sat down and cried. If I knew about this trip 5 months ago, why aren't I 50 pounds lighter? Why didn't I spend every waking minute exercising and dieting? I mean, I'm not a cow but I'm not skinny minny either. I am a woman with real curves. I was really depressed now. I was even starting to not want to go. So instead of crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head, I called a good friend of mine.
Somehow she managed to understand my dilemma through my tears. She gave me a Mom worthy pep talk. The things she told me really made sense. I went something like this...."You have been looking forward to this trip for long time. People have been saying that whole time that you are going to have incredible experiences there. Do you think the enemy want you there, knowing it will be a life changing experience for you? No way! Besides, you are not that big. I don't want you to say that you are thinking about not going, because you are going. In fact, all this trouble should make you even more excited. You wouldn't be having all these problems now, if amazing things weren't going to happen there." We talked about some other things. Before I got off the phone she told me that before I bought anything I should come to her house. She has some clothes that were too small she thought I would like.
I was feeling much better after our talk. I went to drop my youngest off at the babysitters and headed to her house. She was grinning and said for me to sit down and look through the trash sack full of things she had put together. I sat down and started pulling things out one by one. Every single thing in there was my style and my size! I looked up at her with my jaw dropped. A few things even had tags on them! "Where did you get all this?" "Well, I have had this stuff for a while. I just couldn't get rid of it. When I was going through these clothes to put some together for you I just kept thinking, 'Okay God, You are so funny!" I could not believe it! If I hadn't been late to work already, I probably would have given her a little fashion show right then and there, just to see if everything fit.
I got home and tried the clothes on and all but 2 shirts fit me like they were made for me! I can't make this stuff up! I was on cloud 9! My Heavenly Daddy saw my frustration and provided me with clothes for this trip! There are still a few things I have to get but I'm pretty well set. Oh, and my sister-in-laws Grandma is going to sew my dresses for me.
I know that this sounds like a trivial thing, but it was a big deal to me. It seems like just when I am getting frustrated and I pray for Him to reign me in, He comes to the rescue for me. Not only that, but my God does it in such a way that there is now way that it could come anywhere but from Him. Talk about confirmation! I am so over the moon that there are no words to describe!
Mexico here I come! Not that I'm counting or anything, but I leave in 6 days. So excited! The awesome thing is, if God can do these wonderful things for me, He can for you too. God is not a respecter of persons. We are all the same in His eyes. I'm not saying that He will provide you with a trash bag full of clothes but if you turn to Him in your frustration, He will provide for you.
It's like my youngest sons constant struggle with getting dressed in the morning. He always comes out of the bedroom with everything backwards, even underwear. I ask him to go fix it and he starts crying in frustration and sits down and cries. "It's too hard! I can't do it!" I stand there and look at him. He cries for a few minutes and then looks at me. "Mom, can you help me?" I smile at him. "Honey, I was just waiting for you to ask. Using your words is much more effective than throwing a fit isn't it? Here, let me show this trick that my Mom taught me when I was your age....." In no time at all, he is all smiles. He has learned that all he has to do is ask for help and he will get it. He is also learning that the sooner he asks for help, the less frustrated he gets. He has started setting them out upside down so when he puts them on they will be right.
This is something I struggle with. No, I don't mean putting my clothes on backwards. Asking for help instead of internalizing stuff is not always easy. Oh, sure I have lots of friends and am a very social person. Before I started walking with God, I didn't want to count on anyone but myself for most things. Then my Mom died and it seemed that my lifeline died too. I didn't have anyone that I could call in a panic and they would understand drop everything to take care of me. For a few years I walked around dreading what would happen if something really bad went down with me. Then, it happened. I had a tumor that needed removed. I was terrified. I needed help. I couldn't do this one on my own.
In this place of terror, I cried out to God. "Help me Lord! Heal me Lord!" He did heal me. Tumor was taken out and non cancerous. My family and friends pulled through for me too. The next week, my then landlord invited me to her church. I went and it changed my life. God met me there. I'll never be the same. I was done spinning my wheels. I asked for and received help. God was waiting for me that whole time. He was patiently watching me struggle with things and sometimes even throw fits. When I was finally still and looked up at Him and said, "Father will you help me? Will you forgive me?" He looked down at me and said, "Honey I was just waiting for you to ask. Will you follow Me? Will you let me show you the way? I want what's best for you. I will always be right here to help you, my princess. Please remember that."
Don't be afraid to ask for help. He is waiting and watching for you.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Plan B
Finals are next week and boy am I feeling the crunch! Want to know how this Mama is spending her Mother's Day weekend? Studying. Sad I know, but necessary. I was tossing around the idea of taking Summer classes since I didn't last year, but I want some time off. Oh yeah, and it's officially 2 weeks away from Mexico. Yeah! I am so beyond ready to go!
I'm not as worried about my daughter while I am away as I am my foster boys. I don't want them to think that I'm not coming back for them. They have gone to respite before but not for 10 days. I'm going to send them with a picture and lots of hugs, kisses, and reassurance that I will be back. My daughter knows she's stuck with me so I'm not concerned about that. Haha! We have had lots of talks about how much fun she is going to have while I am gone. She's pretty excited about it. She's nervous too though, because this is the longest amount of time we will have spent away from each other.
I had a disappointment yesterday. I had felt a tug to seek full-time employment a few weeks ago. That was crazy and unexpected. I'm not sure if it was just because I was sick of not having any extras and wanting a regular job to help ease that, or if it was my Father prompting it. You see, I have 2 part time jobs and I go to school. I work odd hours so that I am available to my kids. Plus, both jobs are pretty flexible with me on my time so if an emergency comes up I don't stress about that. Getting a regular job would put a major crunch on my time. I was nervous about it but I went ahead and applied for a certain company.
I should explain something here. I am no stranger to work. I have been working since I was 14. When I was in High School I pulled a 30 hour work week and kept my grades up. Not only have I always had a job, I usually worked overtime too. Before I moved to Great Bend 2 years ago, I was at the post office often working 50 hours a week. It was a major change for me to have so much more time with my daughter. It was great! We both loved it, although at first we drove each other crazy. Now, if I'm not able to pick her up from school she is saying, "Mom where were you? You always pick me up!" Heehee.....how quickly she forgets that I was never able to do that before.
So, I stepped outside my comfort zone and put in my resume. I got an interview. Yay! I was getting excited. Not excited about leaving my jobs, but excited that I got an interview. It's been a while since I have had one of those. Then I got a second interview. Hot dog!! I started making plans for full time daycare for the kids. I was getting excited about the possibility of moving to a bigger house. I was starting to plan out a new budget that actually had some extra money left over every week! It's been a long time since that has happened. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I do not want for anything. I just don't have a whole lot of money to throw around for movies or amusement parks or a toy every week. We do a lot of stuff that is very cheap, but mostly free. Parks, the zoo, REC classes for the kids, walks, and playing outside are what we do a lot of.
Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail that they very much appreciated that I applied, but they didn't have a position for me at this time. What?! They gave MY job to someone else? What could they have been thinking? I am fun, spunky, a quick learner, and a very hard worker. I am a huge asset for any team in that company! They didn't want me. That was really difficult. Then I realized, I'm not really disappointed about losing out on that job. I could really care less about it. It was a stretch for me to be thinking about going back full time. The truth is, I wanted them to want me.
I took a mental step back. What? It used to be that I defined myself by my job and how much money I made. I don't anymore. My Lord and His love are what define me! The only person that I need to want me is Him. After my second interview, I had prayed and said, "Lord, I leave this in your hands. I'm not sure about anything other than I want You to direct my life. Will you please be in the middle of this. I want to be where You can use me the most. I love You and I trust You."
Guess He didn't want to have that job. Now, that confused me and kind of chapped me a little bit. I had no desire to get a regular job until a few weeks ago. In fact, I didn't really want to do it. I am very comfortable and happy right where I am. So, I went out on a limb and applied and then get turned down? What's up with that? After I thought about it, I have come to this conclusion.....
I know that God is not the author of confusion. That is someone else entirely. I don't think that God is this Almighty Being who sits up in the heavens and pulls the puppet string just to laugh when we fall. But I do think that sometimes He tests us a little bit. "Are you willing to change everything? How far would you go to do my work?" Let me make one thing clear that my Father already knows. I have no 'plan B'. I am completely sold out and put my faith in Him. Every time I try to take the reigns I screw things up royally.
So, I have to think that I was not meant to be with that company. That is just as well because I have recently come to a new venture. Last week I told a good friend of mine who works for the court system that I would like to start taking kiddos for emergency placement. Let me explain. When kids first get pulled from their homes they don't immediately go into foster care. First they have to go to an emergency placement for 3 or 4 days until they can go to court. It is their first glimpse of "the system". These kids often come broken, hurt, confused, and scared.
I am licensed for 3 foster kids so I actually have one opening. I'm not sure about taking on another full time placement. Right now I have two foster kids who used to live me that want to come back. Both of them have a separate set of issues and I'm not sure if I want to do that again. I love them dearly but it's not always the best thing for them to come back. After all, if I had every child I cared about and wanted to keep safe at my house, I would literally have 20 kids! Maybe this emergency placement thing is the way to go.
Just this week, I have had one placement who did get to go home and I have another one right now. There is a real need for this kind of care! My sister in law told me this morning that she thought maybe this was one of my callings. She said, "Hannah, I know you don't realize this, but that 14 year old girl was acting different when she left than when she came. You made a difference. Just in those three days. That's pretty incredible." Here is the thing though, I am not that special. I have friends who do the exact same thing. They just don't have a blog to talk about it.
So, as usual, I don't know what my future holds. What I do know, is my Lord and Savior is walking with me the whole time. I am in excellent and capable hands. I am so blessed to know that I am Princess and that I am loved. Not a lot of women know that. God, thank you for having my back. Thank you for placing me where You need me. Thank you for reigning me in and listening to me when I need you.
I'm not as worried about my daughter while I am away as I am my foster boys. I don't want them to think that I'm not coming back for them. They have gone to respite before but not for 10 days. I'm going to send them with a picture and lots of hugs, kisses, and reassurance that I will be back. My daughter knows she's stuck with me so I'm not concerned about that. Haha! We have had lots of talks about how much fun she is going to have while I am gone. She's pretty excited about it. She's nervous too though, because this is the longest amount of time we will have spent away from each other.
I had a disappointment yesterday. I had felt a tug to seek full-time employment a few weeks ago. That was crazy and unexpected. I'm not sure if it was just because I was sick of not having any extras and wanting a regular job to help ease that, or if it was my Father prompting it. You see, I have 2 part time jobs and I go to school. I work odd hours so that I am available to my kids. Plus, both jobs are pretty flexible with me on my time so if an emergency comes up I don't stress about that. Getting a regular job would put a major crunch on my time. I was nervous about it but I went ahead and applied for a certain company.
I should explain something here. I am no stranger to work. I have been working since I was 14. When I was in High School I pulled a 30 hour work week and kept my grades up. Not only have I always had a job, I usually worked overtime too. Before I moved to Great Bend 2 years ago, I was at the post office often working 50 hours a week. It was a major change for me to have so much more time with my daughter. It was great! We both loved it, although at first we drove each other crazy. Now, if I'm not able to pick her up from school she is saying, "Mom where were you? You always pick me up!" Heehee.....how quickly she forgets that I was never able to do that before.
So, I stepped outside my comfort zone and put in my resume. I got an interview. Yay! I was getting excited. Not excited about leaving my jobs, but excited that I got an interview. It's been a while since I have had one of those. Then I got a second interview. Hot dog!! I started making plans for full time daycare for the kids. I was getting excited about the possibility of moving to a bigger house. I was starting to plan out a new budget that actually had some extra money left over every week! It's been a long time since that has happened. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I do not want for anything. I just don't have a whole lot of money to throw around for movies or amusement parks or a toy every week. We do a lot of stuff that is very cheap, but mostly free. Parks, the zoo, REC classes for the kids, walks, and playing outside are what we do a lot of.
Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail that they very much appreciated that I applied, but they didn't have a position for me at this time. What?! They gave MY job to someone else? What could they have been thinking? I am fun, spunky, a quick learner, and a very hard worker. I am a huge asset for any team in that company! They didn't want me. That was really difficult. Then I realized, I'm not really disappointed about losing out on that job. I could really care less about it. It was a stretch for me to be thinking about going back full time. The truth is, I wanted them to want me.
I took a mental step back. What? It used to be that I defined myself by my job and how much money I made. I don't anymore. My Lord and His love are what define me! The only person that I need to want me is Him. After my second interview, I had prayed and said, "Lord, I leave this in your hands. I'm not sure about anything other than I want You to direct my life. Will you please be in the middle of this. I want to be where You can use me the most. I love You and I trust You."
Guess He didn't want to have that job. Now, that confused me and kind of chapped me a little bit. I had no desire to get a regular job until a few weeks ago. In fact, I didn't really want to do it. I am very comfortable and happy right where I am. So, I went out on a limb and applied and then get turned down? What's up with that? After I thought about it, I have come to this conclusion.....
I know that God is not the author of confusion. That is someone else entirely. I don't think that God is this Almighty Being who sits up in the heavens and pulls the puppet string just to laugh when we fall. But I do think that sometimes He tests us a little bit. "Are you willing to change everything? How far would you go to do my work?" Let me make one thing clear that my Father already knows. I have no 'plan B'. I am completely sold out and put my faith in Him. Every time I try to take the reigns I screw things up royally.
So, I have to think that I was not meant to be with that company. That is just as well because I have recently come to a new venture. Last week I told a good friend of mine who works for the court system that I would like to start taking kiddos for emergency placement. Let me explain. When kids first get pulled from their homes they don't immediately go into foster care. First they have to go to an emergency placement for 3 or 4 days until they can go to court. It is their first glimpse of "the system". These kids often come broken, hurt, confused, and scared.
I am licensed for 3 foster kids so I actually have one opening. I'm not sure about taking on another full time placement. Right now I have two foster kids who used to live me that want to come back. Both of them have a separate set of issues and I'm not sure if I want to do that again. I love them dearly but it's not always the best thing for them to come back. After all, if I had every child I cared about and wanted to keep safe at my house, I would literally have 20 kids! Maybe this emergency placement thing is the way to go.
Just this week, I have had one placement who did get to go home and I have another one right now. There is a real need for this kind of care! My sister in law told me this morning that she thought maybe this was one of my callings. She said, "Hannah, I know you don't realize this, but that 14 year old girl was acting different when she left than when she came. You made a difference. Just in those three days. That's pretty incredible." Here is the thing though, I am not that special. I have friends who do the exact same thing. They just don't have a blog to talk about it.
So, as usual, I don't know what my future holds. What I do know, is my Lord and Savior is walking with me the whole time. I am in excellent and capable hands. I am so blessed to know that I am Princess and that I am loved. Not a lot of women know that. God, thank you for having my back. Thank you for placing me where You need me. Thank you for reigning me in and listening to me when I need you.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
That little tug
Hey there blogger friends! Don't be mad at me okay? Yes, I realize it has been over a week since my last post. It has been crazy! I'm getting ready for finals, going on job interviews, playing referee for the kids, getting ready physically and spiritually for the mission trip coming up, and trying to keep my house from looking like a disaster area. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention trying to walk my booty off. I've been getting better at it, but I am sad to report that my booty is still there. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. At least I am following through with my commitment to get on the treadmill every day.
The good part about me having had this prolonged absence is that I have quite a bit to blog about. Oh yeah, my kids have been real busy driving me crazy lately! My crazy trio definitely keeps me hopping! I don't know what I would do without them. Well, I could sleep in, have a meal without cutting someone else's food, and not find random things like the remote in the fridge. Wait, that actually sounds kind of boring!
On Saturday, there was a Christian hip hop concert here in town. It was a great opportunity to go see a concert together as a family. And, it was free....one of my all-time favorite words! I wasn't sure what to expect. It has been a long time since I have listened to any rap. When we got there we saw there were quite a few people there that we knew. We went and sat down by our friends and waited for the concert to start. The first artist came on the stage and the DJ was getting everyone pumped up. People started to get out of their seats and were standing close to the stage. These rappers were the real deal. Like my friends said, "They have been there, done that, and bought the tee shirt." They were rapping like crazy and preaching the word at the same time. It was amazing!
My 6 year old son sat back in the bleachers by our friends. It was too loud for him. My daughter, my youngest son, and I went up closer to the stage. She was getting frustrated because she couldn't see so she asked if she could find a place in the very front. I told her to go for it so she did. She weaseled her way all the way to the edge of the stage. She could have reached out and touched every rapper on the stage. She was waving her hands around and having a great time! I should explain something here. My daughter was not at all dressed like a typical rap groupie. She was wearing her glasses that are purple with butterflies on the side, her pink headband with her big pink bow on it, a pink and white shirt with little ruffles on it and it tied in the back, solid pink Capri's, and her white and pink tennis shoes that laced up almost to her knees. And here she was, at the front of the crowd, enjoying the heck out of the music. So cute and funny to see!
I didn't want to be right up front there with all the teeny boppers, so I was a few feet back. I was having a great time, dancing around. Not a lot of people were, but I didn't care. I was having fun! My youngest son wasn't happy about being there at all. He didn't want to sit with our friends, but he wasn't thrilled about being that close to the stage either. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was not letting me out of his sight. He was being grumpy and wanted me to hold him. Now, he is a heavy sack of taters so that didn't last long. He got tired of standing in front of me so he sat down, right in the middle of the crowd. He was right in between my feet so every time I moved around while I was dancing, his head would bop my knees. He was swaying back and forth. To the untrained eye, it looked he was doing a little dance. But when you got a little closer and saw his scowl, you knew better. When people we knew would walk by me and see him they would start giggling. They would try to tell him "Hi" and he would just stare at them. They would say, "What is the matter with him?" I responded with, "He is on duty. He's my bodyguard tonight. I know he looks harmless, but don't touch me. I'm just saying...." And we would have a good laugh over it.
At the end of the concert they had an alter call. Quite a few people gave their lives over to God that night. I was such an inspiration to see! We sat on the sidelines and watched. Afterwards, people were going up on stage to get prayed for. It was mostly for the people that had just accepted Christ as their Savior. My daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, I want to have them pray for me." This is a new thing. My daughter is usually very shy around guys. She has been through a lot and seen more than any child should. She saw me get abused so she is very cautious around guys. That's why I looked so surprised when I responded, "Why? What do you want them to pray for you about?" She wouldn't tell me, but she was very insistent about going up there. She didn't want to go by herself. She was not giving up so I got up and let her lead me to the stage while the boys sat with our friends.
We walked up the steps. The guy that was not occupied with someone, was the DJ. This guy was a big to me, so he must have been huge to my daughter. He was dark and had tattoos and earrings and was wearing mostly black with a hat on. And here is my little redhead in all her pink glory, standing before him. He looked at us both and seemed to be confused. He could tell that we were not there to be led to God. I finally spoke up since my daughter was temporarily speechless. "This is my daughter. She would like you to pray for her." He looked at her, looked at me, and still looked confused. "What does she want prayer for?" I shrugged and looked at my daughter. She looked up at him and said very quietly, "I want a Daddy." There was a myriad of emotions playing across his face. He looked at me for an explanation. I said, "It's complicated. She currently has a PFA against her Dad and she doesn't see him. She has been praying and asking for a Daddy for her and a husband for me." I was tearing up as I explained. This mans face fell and he took a full step back from us. He started weeping. He stepped back up to us and put one hand on my daughters shoulder and one hand on mine. His face was turned up to the ceiling and he started crying out, "Father, Father, this child needs a Daddy. This woman needs a Godly husband. They are hurting, Father." I was sobbing, the DJ was weeping, and my daughter is standing there, calmly looking at us both. I don't even remember all that he said. After he was done praying, he hugged us both.
I don't know what went through his mind as she innocently requested that he pray for her Daddy to come. I don't know why she was so determined to have this man pray for her. What I do know, is that is one of my proudest moments as a Mom. My beautiful, wonderful, courageous daughter swallowed her fear because she felt she was supposed to do something. She felt the tug, and she responded. Even though her own Mom was discouraging her to do it. And guys, she is only 9 years old. I made sure and told her how proud I was of her. She acted like it was no big deal. But it is a huge deal!
I think from time to time all of us feel the tug to do something. Most people can't define it. I can. That's the Holy Spirit trying to guide you. It's so hard to be obedient sometimes. Especially when it could possibly take you outside your comfort zone. But here is what I do know..... you don't know what it could mean to someone else for you to respond to the tug. It could really impact someones life. I have no clue what my daughter's words meant for that man. It could have been a turning point in his walk in faith.
It is such an incredible experience when you leave yourself open to be used for God's purposes. It's not always an easy thing to do, but I really feel that it's necessary. Can't do it, you say? You can't put yourself out there like that? I feel the same way sometimes. However, this is how I am coming to look at it now. If my little girl can do it, we can. Remember, God can and will use you wherever you are. All you have to do is let Him in. Invite Him to guide your steps. You have the opportunity to help your Savior impact someones life today. How amazing is that?!
Thank you God for speaking to my daughter. Thank you for guiding her steps and giving her an obedient heart. Well, at least when it comes to You...heehee. I am so blessed to have children that inspire me. You truly gave me a wondrous gift when You chose me to be her mother. Thank you Lord for being a Father to the Fatherless! My child does not lack a Daddy. She has the best Daddy in the world! I have faith that when the time is right, You will choose an amazing earthly father for her. A father that will protect and guide her and love her like the princess she is. Thank you for keeping us in the palm of your hand.
The good part about me having had this prolonged absence is that I have quite a bit to blog about. Oh yeah, my kids have been real busy driving me crazy lately! My crazy trio definitely keeps me hopping! I don't know what I would do without them. Well, I could sleep in, have a meal without cutting someone else's food, and not find random things like the remote in the fridge. Wait, that actually sounds kind of boring!
On Saturday, there was a Christian hip hop concert here in town. It was a great opportunity to go see a concert together as a family. And, it was free....one of my all-time favorite words! I wasn't sure what to expect. It has been a long time since I have listened to any rap. When we got there we saw there were quite a few people there that we knew. We went and sat down by our friends and waited for the concert to start. The first artist came on the stage and the DJ was getting everyone pumped up. People started to get out of their seats and were standing close to the stage. These rappers were the real deal. Like my friends said, "They have been there, done that, and bought the tee shirt." They were rapping like crazy and preaching the word at the same time. It was amazing!
My 6 year old son sat back in the bleachers by our friends. It was too loud for him. My daughter, my youngest son, and I went up closer to the stage. She was getting frustrated because she couldn't see so she asked if she could find a place in the very front. I told her to go for it so she did. She weaseled her way all the way to the edge of the stage. She could have reached out and touched every rapper on the stage. She was waving her hands around and having a great time! I should explain something here. My daughter was not at all dressed like a typical rap groupie. She was wearing her glasses that are purple with butterflies on the side, her pink headband with her big pink bow on it, a pink and white shirt with little ruffles on it and it tied in the back, solid pink Capri's, and her white and pink tennis shoes that laced up almost to her knees. And here she was, at the front of the crowd, enjoying the heck out of the music. So cute and funny to see!
I didn't want to be right up front there with all the teeny boppers, so I was a few feet back. I was having a great time, dancing around. Not a lot of people were, but I didn't care. I was having fun! My youngest son wasn't happy about being there at all. He didn't want to sit with our friends, but he wasn't thrilled about being that close to the stage either. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was not letting me out of his sight. He was being grumpy and wanted me to hold him. Now, he is a heavy sack of taters so that didn't last long. He got tired of standing in front of me so he sat down, right in the middle of the crowd. He was right in between my feet so every time I moved around while I was dancing, his head would bop my knees. He was swaying back and forth. To the untrained eye, it looked he was doing a little dance. But when you got a little closer and saw his scowl, you knew better. When people we knew would walk by me and see him they would start giggling. They would try to tell him "Hi" and he would just stare at them. They would say, "What is the matter with him?" I responded with, "He is on duty. He's my bodyguard tonight. I know he looks harmless, but don't touch me. I'm just saying...." And we would have a good laugh over it.
At the end of the concert they had an alter call. Quite a few people gave their lives over to God that night. I was such an inspiration to see! We sat on the sidelines and watched. Afterwards, people were going up on stage to get prayed for. It was mostly for the people that had just accepted Christ as their Savior. My daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, I want to have them pray for me." This is a new thing. My daughter is usually very shy around guys. She has been through a lot and seen more than any child should. She saw me get abused so she is very cautious around guys. That's why I looked so surprised when I responded, "Why? What do you want them to pray for you about?" She wouldn't tell me, but she was very insistent about going up there. She didn't want to go by herself. She was not giving up so I got up and let her lead me to the stage while the boys sat with our friends.
We walked up the steps. The guy that was not occupied with someone, was the DJ. This guy was a big to me, so he must have been huge to my daughter. He was dark and had tattoos and earrings and was wearing mostly black with a hat on. And here is my little redhead in all her pink glory, standing before him. He looked at us both and seemed to be confused. He could tell that we were not there to be led to God. I finally spoke up since my daughter was temporarily speechless. "This is my daughter. She would like you to pray for her." He looked at her, looked at me, and still looked confused. "What does she want prayer for?" I shrugged and looked at my daughter. She looked up at him and said very quietly, "I want a Daddy." There was a myriad of emotions playing across his face. He looked at me for an explanation. I said, "It's complicated. She currently has a PFA against her Dad and she doesn't see him. She has been praying and asking for a Daddy for her and a husband for me." I was tearing up as I explained. This mans face fell and he took a full step back from us. He started weeping. He stepped back up to us and put one hand on my daughters shoulder and one hand on mine. His face was turned up to the ceiling and he started crying out, "Father, Father, this child needs a Daddy. This woman needs a Godly husband. They are hurting, Father." I was sobbing, the DJ was weeping, and my daughter is standing there, calmly looking at us both. I don't even remember all that he said. After he was done praying, he hugged us both.
I don't know what went through his mind as she innocently requested that he pray for her Daddy to come. I don't know why she was so determined to have this man pray for her. What I do know, is that is one of my proudest moments as a Mom. My beautiful, wonderful, courageous daughter swallowed her fear because she felt she was supposed to do something. She felt the tug, and she responded. Even though her own Mom was discouraging her to do it. And guys, she is only 9 years old. I made sure and told her how proud I was of her. She acted like it was no big deal. But it is a huge deal!
I think from time to time all of us feel the tug to do something. Most people can't define it. I can. That's the Holy Spirit trying to guide you. It's so hard to be obedient sometimes. Especially when it could possibly take you outside your comfort zone. But here is what I do know..... you don't know what it could mean to someone else for you to respond to the tug. It could really impact someones life. I have no clue what my daughter's words meant for that man. It could have been a turning point in his walk in faith.
It is such an incredible experience when you leave yourself open to be used for God's purposes. It's not always an easy thing to do, but I really feel that it's necessary. Can't do it, you say? You can't put yourself out there like that? I feel the same way sometimes. However, this is how I am coming to look at it now. If my little girl can do it, we can. Remember, God can and will use you wherever you are. All you have to do is let Him in. Invite Him to guide your steps. You have the opportunity to help your Savior impact someones life today. How amazing is that?!
Thank you God for speaking to my daughter. Thank you for guiding her steps and giving her an obedient heart. Well, at least when it comes to You...heehee. I am so blessed to have children that inspire me. You truly gave me a wondrous gift when You chose me to be her mother. Thank you Lord for being a Father to the Fatherless! My child does not lack a Daddy. She has the best Daddy in the world! I have faith that when the time is right, You will choose an amazing earthly father for her. A father that will protect and guide her and love her like the princess she is. Thank you for keeping us in the palm of your hand.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I only look normal......
Happy Sunday everyone! I hope your week has been an incredible one. It has been another week of revelations for me. God is so good to reveal things to me as I need them. It is so easy to focus on the negative instead of the positive.
Now, it is not my goal in life to be this person that men desire and women want to be. Far from it. But it is nice to feel appreciated. For someone to look past my jeans and boots and 20 kids trailing behind me and see the woman within. (You're right, 20 kids is a slight exaggeration. It sometimes feels like that many though.) I have been getting very frustrated. I haven't been on a date in a few years. That is a personal choice so I'm not upset about it or anything. I don't go to bars or clubs or troll the grocery store looking for relationships. In fact, if Prince Charming did show up at the store he would go running in the other direction! Seeing me pushing a cart with a 2 year old inside it, an arguing 6 and 9 year old following behind, and me holding a list with a pen behind my ear to mark off items as they go into the back doesn't do much for the romance department.
I have blogged about this before but it bears repeating. I have made a commitment to not seek out dates. God will send the right one when the time is right. Is it hard to be patient and trust that He knows when that time is right? You betcha!! There are days that I get lonely and wish I had someone to cuddle with at the end of the day. The man that God has designed for me. He created each of us. We all know the story of Adam and Eve. God made Adam first and saw that he needed a life partner. So, He took Adams rib and made Eve. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound very romantic to me. When I finally meet my husband am I supposed to say, "Oh, I'm right here! Your rib is right here!" That would be pretty funny. But you know what I get out of that is, there is a man that He made specifically for me. When we come together, there will be nothing like it. It will be absolutely incredible!
Now, I have been single for quite some time. God has made a promise to me about my husband and I am holding on to that promise. In the meantime, God told me to conduct myself as a married woman. Crazy you say? Oh, but I am married. God has my husband chosen for me. He's not some fairy tale that I made up. He is alive and well. I just don't know who he is yet. So, I may not have my husband right here by my side, I may not have had the ceremony, and I don't have a ring on my finger. But, the amazing thing is, in God's eyes, I AM MARRIED. He already knows what is going to happen in the future. He is already there. I don't need to worry about how or when or why or even what he will look like. I am the daughter of the King of Kings. He will not give my hand to just anyone. I am precious to Him.
I started reading this amazing book with my friend. It's called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. (You ladies need to read this book! You men should read it too, it will give you insight to your lady.) My friend and I decided to meet for supper last night and talk about it. My kids were going to be gone for a whole 24 hours! I was so excited! I fought the urge to go to bed early and met her instead. I had been feeling kind of down all week. The words I kept hearing were this, "You are undesirable. You are nothing. If God loves you like you say, where is He? Why isn't He fulfilling those promises He made? No one ever keeps their promises to you! You know it's true! Every person that you thought you could trust has let you down in one capacity or another. God doesn't even know who you are going to marry! You were better off when you had decided you were never getting married again. You never even wanted to look at men until God put that false promise of your husband in your head. You are believing a lie! You would be better off just finding a guy to shack up with."
Pretty heavy right? So, I was driving out of town to meet her. I was stopped at a stoplight when I hear this engine start revving up next to me. I look over and see these two guys in a diesel truck grinning at me. They were pretty good looking! I just laughed at them. They flirted and waved at me for 3 blocks before they turned off to a gas station. That was a bit of a confidence booster. I am desirable! I got to the bar and grill and we had a great time eating our steaks and talking about life in general. At one point, this group of guys are walking by our table. My back was to them. One of the guys stumbled as he walked by and one of his buddies made a comment to him. I was talking to my friend so I didn't hear what they said. I asked her, "Did I miss something?" She grinned at me, "You officially just got checked out." "Really?" I giggled. See what happens when I leave my kids at home?
My friend and I got to talking. I told her that I don't know why guys don't usually notice me. I told her I felt like I was giving off some kind of no-no aura. She didn't agree. She said she thought that since I don't act like a typical single girl, most guys either think I'm taken or sense that something is different about me. She says that I beam this friendliness to people. She said that in every conversation that I have, I mention God somehow. Not that I am preaching to people but just something like...."This happened today and it was amazing, thank you God!" He is just part of my everyday vocabulary. I don't even realize it sometimes. She also said that she thinks I get noticed more than I realize. But that the wrong kind of guy doesn't approach me because he respects this thing that I am radiating, that he doesn't understand. She said that thing is Christ's love for people. That it is extremely apparent that I love and am living my life fully to serve God. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
Life is not peaches and cream. No one said life is easy, or would be easier if you became a Christian. But now, I have this visual to help me. Maybe it will help you too. I am a princess. I walk through life disguised as an everyday woman. But I'm not. What people can't see is this...... I am walking with my tiara and twirling princess dress. My Lord and Savior has me safely in the crook of His arm, walking with me through life. I still have to go through darkness and troubles. I still stumble. But that's when I hold on to my God's elbow. He steadies me and guides me though every situation. I can't imagine trying to stumble through life without that steadying arm anymore. Now that I have that rock to stand on, I don't want to walk through the treacherous quick sand that I was in before. It doesn't even appeal to me. I may sometimes look at things that other people have. I see my friends who aren't walking with God and are seemingly happy. But it won't last. They aren't putting their faith where it belongs. This waiting has purpose for me. It will be so much more the sweeter when my reward comes. When my rib finds its home.
Now, it is not my goal in life to be this person that men desire and women want to be. Far from it. But it is nice to feel appreciated. For someone to look past my jeans and boots and 20 kids trailing behind me and see the woman within. (You're right, 20 kids is a slight exaggeration. It sometimes feels like that many though.) I have been getting very frustrated. I haven't been on a date in a few years. That is a personal choice so I'm not upset about it or anything. I don't go to bars or clubs or troll the grocery store looking for relationships. In fact, if Prince Charming did show up at the store he would go running in the other direction! Seeing me pushing a cart with a 2 year old inside it, an arguing 6 and 9 year old following behind, and me holding a list with a pen behind my ear to mark off items as they go into the back doesn't do much for the romance department.
I have blogged about this before but it bears repeating. I have made a commitment to not seek out dates. God will send the right one when the time is right. Is it hard to be patient and trust that He knows when that time is right? You betcha!! There are days that I get lonely and wish I had someone to cuddle with at the end of the day. The man that God has designed for me. He created each of us. We all know the story of Adam and Eve. God made Adam first and saw that he needed a life partner. So, He took Adams rib and made Eve. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound very romantic to me. When I finally meet my husband am I supposed to say, "Oh, I'm right here! Your rib is right here!" That would be pretty funny. But you know what I get out of that is, there is a man that He made specifically for me. When we come together, there will be nothing like it. It will be absolutely incredible!
Now, I have been single for quite some time. God has made a promise to me about my husband and I am holding on to that promise. In the meantime, God told me to conduct myself as a married woman. Crazy you say? Oh, but I am married. God has my husband chosen for me. He's not some fairy tale that I made up. He is alive and well. I just don't know who he is yet. So, I may not have my husband right here by my side, I may not have had the ceremony, and I don't have a ring on my finger. But, the amazing thing is, in God's eyes, I AM MARRIED. He already knows what is going to happen in the future. He is already there. I don't need to worry about how or when or why or even what he will look like. I am the daughter of the King of Kings. He will not give my hand to just anyone. I am precious to Him.
I started reading this amazing book with my friend. It's called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. (You ladies need to read this book! You men should read it too, it will give you insight to your lady.) My friend and I decided to meet for supper last night and talk about it. My kids were going to be gone for a whole 24 hours! I was so excited! I fought the urge to go to bed early and met her instead. I had been feeling kind of down all week. The words I kept hearing were this, "You are undesirable. You are nothing. If God loves you like you say, where is He? Why isn't He fulfilling those promises He made? No one ever keeps their promises to you! You know it's true! Every person that you thought you could trust has let you down in one capacity or another. God doesn't even know who you are going to marry! You were better off when you had decided you were never getting married again. You never even wanted to look at men until God put that false promise of your husband in your head. You are believing a lie! You would be better off just finding a guy to shack up with."
Pretty heavy right? So, I was driving out of town to meet her. I was stopped at a stoplight when I hear this engine start revving up next to me. I look over and see these two guys in a diesel truck grinning at me. They were pretty good looking! I just laughed at them. They flirted and waved at me for 3 blocks before they turned off to a gas station. That was a bit of a confidence booster. I am desirable! I got to the bar and grill and we had a great time eating our steaks and talking about life in general. At one point, this group of guys are walking by our table. My back was to them. One of the guys stumbled as he walked by and one of his buddies made a comment to him. I was talking to my friend so I didn't hear what they said. I asked her, "Did I miss something?" She grinned at me, "You officially just got checked out." "Really?" I giggled. See what happens when I leave my kids at home?
My friend and I got to talking. I told her that I don't know why guys don't usually notice me. I told her I felt like I was giving off some kind of no-no aura. She didn't agree. She said she thought that since I don't act like a typical single girl, most guys either think I'm taken or sense that something is different about me. She says that I beam this friendliness to people. She said that in every conversation that I have, I mention God somehow. Not that I am preaching to people but just something like...."This happened today and it was amazing, thank you God!" He is just part of my everyday vocabulary. I don't even realize it sometimes. She also said that she thinks I get noticed more than I realize. But that the wrong kind of guy doesn't approach me because he respects this thing that I am radiating, that he doesn't understand. She said that thing is Christ's love for people. That it is extremely apparent that I love and am living my life fully to serve God. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
Life is not peaches and cream. No one said life is easy, or would be easier if you became a Christian. But now, I have this visual to help me. Maybe it will help you too. I am a princess. I walk through life disguised as an everyday woman. But I'm not. What people can't see is this...... I am walking with my tiara and twirling princess dress. My Lord and Savior has me safely in the crook of His arm, walking with me through life. I still have to go through darkness and troubles. I still stumble. But that's when I hold on to my God's elbow. He steadies me and guides me though every situation. I can't imagine trying to stumble through life without that steadying arm anymore. Now that I have that rock to stand on, I don't want to walk through the treacherous quick sand that I was in before. It doesn't even appeal to me. I may sometimes look at things that other people have. I see my friends who aren't walking with God and are seemingly happy. But it won't last. They aren't putting their faith where it belongs. This waiting has purpose for me. It will be so much more the sweeter when my reward comes. When my rib finds its home.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
From Crazy to Thankful
I have come to the conclusion that it is my children's primary goal to make me crazy. Can't be true, you say? Oh, but you don't know my kids. And for those of you that do know my crazy trio, you don't live with them. I love them dearly, but there are some days that a cabin in the woods with no electricity sounds very inviting.
My first example of their goal would be the outing on Saturday. This day they had 2 extra accomplices, my nephews. I took all 5 of them to a family reunion. They were very good and had a great time. Afterwards, we went to my Aunts to hang out for a bit. She lives in the country with horses and lots of outside toys and places to roam. Pretty soon, my 3 year old nephew comes up to me and says,"Aunt Hannah, I pooped my pants on purpose." "You did what?" I really didn't think I had heard him correctly. "I pooped my pants on purpose." "Why did you do that?" "Because I knew I had to go but I wanted to play so I just pooped my pants." I think I stared unbelieving at him for a full minute. I knew it was true because I could smell him. I took him into the house, cleaned him up, spanked him, and my Aunt helped me find him some clean clothes. The only thing she could find were pink underwear and girl shorts. He was furious! "I not a girl! I not going to put that on! I will rip it!" I was so angry with him that I can't even remember what it said. I'm sure it was along the lines of....Oh yes you will or I will tan your hide. Put them on now. I don't feel one bit sorry for you since you pooped your own pants on purpose.....
He put on the pants and stomped outside. I didn't see him again until we left. He was mad and didn't want anyone to see him in his girl clothes. Not to be outdone, my soon to be 3 year old son toddles up and says, "Mom, I peed my pants on purpose." I rolled my eyes. "Why did you do that?" "Wellllllll, because I wanted to." I narrowed my eyes. "Oh, you wanted to huh? Welllllll, I want you to stay in those pants until we get home. A little pee won't hurt you. I have no clothes for you to change into. You wanted to pee your pants so you get to stay in pee clothes." He was so mad he threw himself down and launched into a temper tantrum. My Aunt, cousin, and I just talked louder.
Oh, I haven't even gotten to my other kids yet. My 9 year old daughter had been getting annoyed with the boys for some time. My cousin has 2 girls her age and she was looking forward to being around them. They would traipse off together, and my 6 year old son would follow them. They would move to another horse pen, and my son would follow them. They would move to the swing set, my son would follow them. They would go into the barn to listen to music, my son would follow them. You get the picture here. My Aunt lives in the country on several acres. There was a huge dirt pile in front of the house with 3 little boys playing in it. There were several horse pens. My Uncle was watching football inside. There were all kinds of options for him to do something fun, but he chose to follow my daughter. Now, she is a little pistol. She makes herself known. And my son, he likes to antagonize her until she gets mad and then tattle on her. Here is a prime example. She had had enough of him following her around so she gets in his face and screams, "LEAVE ME ALONE!! STOP FOLLOWING ME!!"
He comes running up to me. I had been watching this whole scenario play out. "Mom, she screamed at me! She won't let me play with her!" After the poop and pee incident, I was not in a great mood. "Son, you will never learn your lesson will you? Stop following her around! There are 50 million things for you to do here, yet you insist on tormenting her? I do not feel sorry for you at all! Stop with the pouty, 'everyone is mean to me and I want you to feel sorry for me' face and go find something else to do!" He stops crying, hangs his head in defeat, and moves over to the dirt pile. His mission had failed. Mom saw through the plot and she didn't get into trouble.
Then, there is my lovely, wonderful, seemingly hormonal daughter. She comes walking up to me on her own. Her hands are behind her back, she is looking down with a little smile on her face. I said, "Oh yeah, you know don't you?" Smile is now gone. She nods. "Honey, I am so disappointed in you. The only reason why he continues to try to make you mad is because you always deliver! If he is pestering you, you need to tell me! It is not okay for you to get into someones face and scream at them!" I yell. Contradiction, I know. What can I say? I've made it abundantly clear that I am not perfect.
After that, it was time for us to leave. I packed all 5 moody, whiny, dirty, and sour faced kids into the car and headed for home. It was pretty silent the whole 45 minutes there. We got home and a few took baths and they all got ready for bed. My boys were already laying down in their rooms. My nephews and my daughter were in the living room. I walked into the bathroom and saw throw-up in the toilet. "Guys, did someone throw up?" My 5 year old nephew comes in there just as calm as can be. "Yeah, I did." I looked at him from head to toe. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, but I think I might be sick though. I don't usually throw up." "Uh, okay. Well, let me get you a water bottle and you lay down on the couch."
My daughter laid on the floor. After all that anger at me, my youngest nephew wanted to sleep with me. I let him. As I listened to his little snores, I let out a sigh of relief. I am reading awesome book, so I read a chapter before bed. It was talking about how we (women) are spectacular. We are nurturers and an example of Christ's love and beauty. I was not feeling particularly, loving or nurturing at that moment. It was pretty spectacular that I made it through the day without running away screaming though. That's always a good.
I quit reading and laid there in the silence for a moment. I asked God for provision to raise my children how He would have me do it. I thanked Him for my kids. I praised Him for bringing them all into my life. My daughter, biologically. My sons, through foster care. My nephews, through my brother. They are all precious to me. I love them severely and completely. I am thankful for every day that I get to spend with them, even days like this. My Father must really trust me. These kids are precious cargo! Besides, how many times have I acted like a spoiled child and not seen all the blessings he has surrounded me with? He has never once given up on me. When I was ready to start walking with him, His hand was already waiting to take mine. It has always been there, waiting for me to reach out.
I let out another sigh. This one of thankfulness. I turned out the light and went to sleep. Like the song says....I will praise you in this storm.... We never leave His hands. He has given us everything we need. When you start to feel overwhelmed, ask for His help. He is always faithful to give it to you. Sometimes He is just waiting on you to ask.
My first example of their goal would be the outing on Saturday. This day they had 2 extra accomplices, my nephews. I took all 5 of them to a family reunion. They were very good and had a great time. Afterwards, we went to my Aunts to hang out for a bit. She lives in the country with horses and lots of outside toys and places to roam. Pretty soon, my 3 year old nephew comes up to me and says,"Aunt Hannah, I pooped my pants on purpose." "You did what?" I really didn't think I had heard him correctly. "I pooped my pants on purpose." "Why did you do that?" "Because I knew I had to go but I wanted to play so I just pooped my pants." I think I stared unbelieving at him for a full minute. I knew it was true because I could smell him. I took him into the house, cleaned him up, spanked him, and my Aunt helped me find him some clean clothes. The only thing she could find were pink underwear and girl shorts. He was furious! "I not a girl! I not going to put that on! I will rip it!" I was so angry with him that I can't even remember what it said. I'm sure it was along the lines of....Oh yes you will or I will tan your hide. Put them on now. I don't feel one bit sorry for you since you pooped your own pants on purpose.....
He put on the pants and stomped outside. I didn't see him again until we left. He was mad and didn't want anyone to see him in his girl clothes. Not to be outdone, my soon to be 3 year old son toddles up and says, "Mom, I peed my pants on purpose." I rolled my eyes. "Why did you do that?" "Wellllllll, because I wanted to." I narrowed my eyes. "Oh, you wanted to huh? Welllllll, I want you to stay in those pants until we get home. A little pee won't hurt you. I have no clothes for you to change into. You wanted to pee your pants so you get to stay in pee clothes." He was so mad he threw himself down and launched into a temper tantrum. My Aunt, cousin, and I just talked louder.
Oh, I haven't even gotten to my other kids yet. My 9 year old daughter had been getting annoyed with the boys for some time. My cousin has 2 girls her age and she was looking forward to being around them. They would traipse off together, and my 6 year old son would follow them. They would move to another horse pen, and my son would follow them. They would move to the swing set, my son would follow them. They would go into the barn to listen to music, my son would follow them. You get the picture here. My Aunt lives in the country on several acres. There was a huge dirt pile in front of the house with 3 little boys playing in it. There were several horse pens. My Uncle was watching football inside. There were all kinds of options for him to do something fun, but he chose to follow my daughter. Now, she is a little pistol. She makes herself known. And my son, he likes to antagonize her until she gets mad and then tattle on her. Here is a prime example. She had had enough of him following her around so she gets in his face and screams, "LEAVE ME ALONE!! STOP FOLLOWING ME!!"
He comes running up to me. I had been watching this whole scenario play out. "Mom, she screamed at me! She won't let me play with her!" After the poop and pee incident, I was not in a great mood. "Son, you will never learn your lesson will you? Stop following her around! There are 50 million things for you to do here, yet you insist on tormenting her? I do not feel sorry for you at all! Stop with the pouty, 'everyone is mean to me and I want you to feel sorry for me' face and go find something else to do!" He stops crying, hangs his head in defeat, and moves over to the dirt pile. His mission had failed. Mom saw through the plot and she didn't get into trouble.
Then, there is my lovely, wonderful, seemingly hormonal daughter. She comes walking up to me on her own. Her hands are behind her back, she is looking down with a little smile on her face. I said, "Oh yeah, you know don't you?" Smile is now gone. She nods. "Honey, I am so disappointed in you. The only reason why he continues to try to make you mad is because you always deliver! If he is pestering you, you need to tell me! It is not okay for you to get into someones face and scream at them!" I yell. Contradiction, I know. What can I say? I've made it abundantly clear that I am not perfect.
After that, it was time for us to leave. I packed all 5 moody, whiny, dirty, and sour faced kids into the car and headed for home. It was pretty silent the whole 45 minutes there. We got home and a few took baths and they all got ready for bed. My boys were already laying down in their rooms. My nephews and my daughter were in the living room. I walked into the bathroom and saw throw-up in the toilet. "Guys, did someone throw up?" My 5 year old nephew comes in there just as calm as can be. "Yeah, I did." I looked at him from head to toe. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, but I think I might be sick though. I don't usually throw up." "Uh, okay. Well, let me get you a water bottle and you lay down on the couch."
My daughter laid on the floor. After all that anger at me, my youngest nephew wanted to sleep with me. I let him. As I listened to his little snores, I let out a sigh of relief. I am reading awesome book, so I read a chapter before bed. It was talking about how we (women) are spectacular. We are nurturers and an example of Christ's love and beauty. I was not feeling particularly, loving or nurturing at that moment. It was pretty spectacular that I made it through the day without running away screaming though. That's always a good.
I quit reading and laid there in the silence for a moment. I asked God for provision to raise my children how He would have me do it. I thanked Him for my kids. I praised Him for bringing them all into my life. My daughter, biologically. My sons, through foster care. My nephews, through my brother. They are all precious to me. I love them severely and completely. I am thankful for every day that I get to spend with them, even days like this. My Father must really trust me. These kids are precious cargo! Besides, how many times have I acted like a spoiled child and not seen all the blessings he has surrounded me with? He has never once given up on me. When I was ready to start walking with him, His hand was already waiting to take mine. It has always been there, waiting for me to reach out.
I let out another sigh. This one of thankfulness. I turned out the light and went to sleep. Like the song says....I will praise you in this storm.... We never leave His hands. He has given us everything we need. When you start to feel overwhelmed, ask for His help. He is always faithful to give it to you. Sometimes He is just waiting on you to ask.
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