Whew, what a day! It was definitely a Monday. Not one particular thing happened to make it bad, I was just thinking more than I should today. Sometimes I let myself worry about things I shouldn't, things that are really beyond my control.
It's funny how when changes crop up in my life lately, I feel just a little lost, unsure of myself. When something really funny happens, or something that the girls do or say that's silly, or when I have a bad day, I would call my parents to talk to them and tell them about it. Even if you aren't close to your Mom or Dad like that there is someone in your life that can tell just by the sound of your voice how your day has gone and if something is wrong, am I right? Who do you talk to when those people are gone?
I have lots of friends that are more like family and some really incredible family too. All those people are very supportive and I know they love me very much. But it's just not the same. That longing is still there. I know I can talk to any one of those people, and I have. There is still that hole though. The person I REALLY want to talk to can't talk back to me anymore. I realized tonight how much that really has been bothering me, and how big of a problem it has become.
It has not been easy, the last few years. After Mom died I realized how short life is. I realized that I need to tell the people I care about I love them and to not hold grudges. I had to grow up really quickly. I had to figure out cooking measurements on my own, I couldn't call her to tell me. I had to figure out how to can all those stupid tomatoes that I planted by myself. It was then that it hit me just how much I had relied on my Mom for things.
Fast forward almost 5 years to the day, and my Dad went to join her in heaven. When my brother told me I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Just like that, I had become an orphan. I was no one's little girl anymore. I had to be strong now. Even though I was full-grown I felt like I was 5 years old. Who would take care of me now. I was lost, without roots.
It has been 4 months since then and it gets easier everyday. Tonight, though, I think I had a revelation, which is why I am writing this now. My past does not define me. People do not define me. People are human and humans fail. They will not mean to, but people will hurt you and let you down. That is life. My parents were not perfect. After they were gone, it was easier to remember the good things but there were plenty of bad. It's not fair to put any loved one on that pedestal. That hole cannot be filled by talking to someone or having someone give me advice. It cannot be filled by my children, or friends, or anyone I care about. No person can make me in a bad mood or change my positive day into a negative one. That power is completely in my hands.
I cannot define myself by any person. I can only define myself in my Heavenly Father. It is unfair of me to think that if Mom and Dad were here everything would be okay. If I had some alone time, or more money, or a clean house, or the most well-behaved kids in the world I would still be unhappy and unfulfilled if I did not have Jesus.
I have been too long going around like the walking wounded. I am whole, I am complete. I am blessed. I am loved. Someone loved me so much that He died for me. He was completely blameless and He took my shame upon Himself. And then, when the very people he served and loved spit on Him and beat Him for my sin, do you know what He did? He prayed for them. He asked God to forgive the very people that were killing Him. What kind of man is this? What kind of love is this?
I am not an orphan. I am not alone. Even when you see me walking by myself down the hallways of the schools I work in, there is someone there with me. He is walking in front of me, shielding me from anything that comes my way. Anything that gets to me has to go through Him first. He is my protector, my redeemer, my savior, and the lover of my soul.
Thank you Lord that I am complete in you! Thank you for reminding me that I am loved beyond measure. Thank you for pulling me into your embrace and taking my cares away. I know you were waiting all the time for me to give my worries to you. I am sorry it took so long for me to remember that you want the good, bad, and the ugly. I need you to put things in perspective for me when I have another day of feeling that orphan mentality. I am not powerless, I am powerful in You!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Endings and Beginnings
Hello there blogger readers (if I have any left after my super long absense that is!) Wow, so much has happened I am not even sure where to begin....
A lot has happened since I last blogged. I still have the little girl I had before. She is now 2 and a half years old. Let me tell you, she is very much two! Haha! Good thing I still love her! I also have a 7 month old foster baby. She is an absolute doll! Funny thing is she looks almost exactly like my daughter did at that age! Oh, and my spicy redhead is now 10 years old and in the 5th grade. I cannot believe it! This is her first year of going to Christian school and she is thriving!
The real reason why I was prompted to start writing this blog again is that it is theraputic for me. There has been a lot of things happen that have been hard to deal with. At the top of the list would have to be the death of my Dad.
I was sitting in the Dr.'s office with a PPC (Police Protective Custody) kids when I got the phone call from my brother. His voice was shaking and he kept asking me if I was alone and if I had to work that day. In true big sister fashion I finally just yelled, "Hey would you just spit it out?! What's going on?!" Dad was killed instantly in a head on motorcycle accident. It was like the world just stopped.
You see, Dad was my only parent left. My Mom died 5 years ago. I was now an orphan. I immediately started crying and praying. I'm not entirely sure how I got from the Dr.'s office to my brothers house. I went home and packed a bag and we left for Wellington, where my Dad was living.
All the way there my brother and I wafted between crying and laughing. See, the good thing about our relationship is that we are super close and have been through so much that we can practically read each other's minds. I was so glad that we had each other. We met my sister there. It was so surreal.
My Dad died on June 7, 2011. My Mom died on June 14, 2006. Crazy huh? All I know, is that God was very much there for us during this time. There is no way I could have made it through without relying on His grace and mercy. There was a couple at the scene of Dad's accident that were spirit-filled Christians and they laid hands on him and prayed him home. That just doesn't happen! The Lord is faithful.
Since Dad's passing, it feels like I am grieving Mom all over again. It's getting easier. The last few days have been tough though.
I thought that a good way to start this process back up again would be to post what I wrote and read at Dad's funeral. He was an amazing man, and I miss him terribley....
This is something I never thought I would be doing. As a child, you think your parents are invincible. When you are an adult, you usually learn different. Even though Mom passed, I still never processed that sometime Dad would go too. He was always there. I just took for granted that he always would be.
Yesterday I was going through pictures. Dad was in most of them when we were growing up, but not how you would think. He was usually in the background of pictures of us kids with a huge grin on his face. He was either holding us, or watching us, or cheering us on. He was perfectly content to let us be the center of attention. It was the same for later pictures with the grandkids. In most of them, he was holding one or more of them.
Dad was an incredible father. He was the kind of man that believed that actions spoke louder than words. Because of this, he didn’t say a whole lot. I asked him once why he didn’t talk more when we went places. He said that he never understood why people talked so much. He said, “The way I figure it, they must talk just to hear their own voice. If I take the time to say something I want to make sure that it means something.” And that’s just what he did. He was a man of few words, but when he spoke, we listened. Well, for the most part anyway.
There is not one single thing of significance in my life that I cannot remember him being there. He was at every concert, graduation, family reunion, and ball game. He was there when the grandkids were born. He was excited about each and every one. When I had my daughter he was there too. I went to a doctor’s appointment and they sent me over to the hospital right then. They checked me in and started preparing the surgery for my c-section. Dad was the first call I made, after my daughter's Dad of course. He was at work about 2 miles away. Within 10 minutes he was settled in the chair in my room with a hot rod and motorcycle magazine, and a fashion one for me. I still can’t figure out how he got there that fast. He didn’t say too much other than hello. He squeezed my hand and then sat beside my bed. I made the call and he was there.
When I called him to tell him that I wanted to start taking classes to do foster care we talked about it a lot. He and Mom had done that for a few years when we were kids. He was hesitant on my behalf because he knew that it is a difficult road at times. Once I made up my mind to do it he completely supported me. Every child I brought into my home, Dad accepted them as his own. He never played favorites with his kids or grandkids. We were all the same in his eyes and that extended to them too. He always asked how they were doing and grieved with me when they left.
When my brother and his wife first starting dating, Mom and Dad were just estatic! She had a 3 month old boy. The first grandson! As soon as they met, it didn’t matter if they were ever going to get married or not, her son was theirs. My brother said that Dad’s example is what taught him what a real father should be. It has very little to do with DNA.
It still doesn’t seem real that he is gone. I know that we are burying his body. I saw it with my own 2 eyes earlier today. But that’s not him lying there. I know that Dad would say that we shouldn’t be sad for him. He’s up in heaven looking down on us all with love. He’s still watching us, just like he always did. We just can’t see him anymore.
My Dad was not a perfect man, he never claimed to be. He just tried to do the best he could with everything he had. Dad was a simple man and he led a simple life. But it was a very good life. He will be missed beyond belief.
Anyway, that's it. I know what the enemy had intended for bad that God can use for His good. This whole Summer has been a testimony to his goodness and glory. I have no idea how I could have gotten through without it. Especially when we were planning the funeral and around people I hadn't seen in years, I just kept thinking, "Okay, I can do this a little longer and then I can go home and get down on my knees and be comforted." Now, the struggle is to not have an orphan mentality. I know that my parents aren't here physically but they are looking down on me with love, just like my Heavenly Father.
A lot has happened since I last blogged. I still have the little girl I had before. She is now 2 and a half years old. Let me tell you, she is very much two! Haha! Good thing I still love her! I also have a 7 month old foster baby. She is an absolute doll! Funny thing is she looks almost exactly like my daughter did at that age! Oh, and my spicy redhead is now 10 years old and in the 5th grade. I cannot believe it! This is her first year of going to Christian school and she is thriving!
The real reason why I was prompted to start writing this blog again is that it is theraputic for me. There has been a lot of things happen that have been hard to deal with. At the top of the list would have to be the death of my Dad.
I was sitting in the Dr.'s office with a PPC (Police Protective Custody) kids when I got the phone call from my brother. His voice was shaking and he kept asking me if I was alone and if I had to work that day. In true big sister fashion I finally just yelled, "Hey would you just spit it out?! What's going on?!" Dad was killed instantly in a head on motorcycle accident. It was like the world just stopped.
You see, Dad was my only parent left. My Mom died 5 years ago. I was now an orphan. I immediately started crying and praying. I'm not entirely sure how I got from the Dr.'s office to my brothers house. I went home and packed a bag and we left for Wellington, where my Dad was living.
All the way there my brother and I wafted between crying and laughing. See, the good thing about our relationship is that we are super close and have been through so much that we can practically read each other's minds. I was so glad that we had each other. We met my sister there. It was so surreal.
My Dad died on June 7, 2011. My Mom died on June 14, 2006. Crazy huh? All I know, is that God was very much there for us during this time. There is no way I could have made it through without relying on His grace and mercy. There was a couple at the scene of Dad's accident that were spirit-filled Christians and they laid hands on him and prayed him home. That just doesn't happen! The Lord is faithful.
Since Dad's passing, it feels like I am grieving Mom all over again. It's getting easier. The last few days have been tough though.
I thought that a good way to start this process back up again would be to post what I wrote and read at Dad's funeral. He was an amazing man, and I miss him terribley....
This is something I never thought I would be doing. As a child, you think your parents are invincible. When you are an adult, you usually learn different. Even though Mom passed, I still never processed that sometime Dad would go too. He was always there. I just took for granted that he always would be.
Yesterday I was going through pictures. Dad was in most of them when we were growing up, but not how you would think. He was usually in the background of pictures of us kids with a huge grin on his face. He was either holding us, or watching us, or cheering us on. He was perfectly content to let us be the center of attention. It was the same for later pictures with the grandkids. In most of them, he was holding one or more of them.
Dad was an incredible father. He was the kind of man that believed that actions spoke louder than words. Because of this, he didn’t say a whole lot. I asked him once why he didn’t talk more when we went places. He said that he never understood why people talked so much. He said, “The way I figure it, they must talk just to hear their own voice. If I take the time to say something I want to make sure that it means something.” And that’s just what he did. He was a man of few words, but when he spoke, we listened. Well, for the most part anyway.
There is not one single thing of significance in my life that I cannot remember him being there. He was at every concert, graduation, family reunion, and ball game. He was there when the grandkids were born. He was excited about each and every one. When I had my daughter he was there too. I went to a doctor’s appointment and they sent me over to the hospital right then. They checked me in and started preparing the surgery for my c-section. Dad was the first call I made, after my daughter's Dad of course. He was at work about 2 miles away. Within 10 minutes he was settled in the chair in my room with a hot rod and motorcycle magazine, and a fashion one for me. I still can’t figure out how he got there that fast. He didn’t say too much other than hello. He squeezed my hand and then sat beside my bed. I made the call and he was there.
When I called him to tell him that I wanted to start taking classes to do foster care we talked about it a lot. He and Mom had done that for a few years when we were kids. He was hesitant on my behalf because he knew that it is a difficult road at times. Once I made up my mind to do it he completely supported me. Every child I brought into my home, Dad accepted them as his own. He never played favorites with his kids or grandkids. We were all the same in his eyes and that extended to them too. He always asked how they were doing and grieved with me when they left.
When my brother and his wife first starting dating, Mom and Dad were just estatic! She had a 3 month old boy. The first grandson! As soon as they met, it didn’t matter if they were ever going to get married or not, her son was theirs. My brother said that Dad’s example is what taught him what a real father should be. It has very little to do with DNA.
It still doesn’t seem real that he is gone. I know that we are burying his body. I saw it with my own 2 eyes earlier today. But that’s not him lying there. I know that Dad would say that we shouldn’t be sad for him. He’s up in heaven looking down on us all with love. He’s still watching us, just like he always did. We just can’t see him anymore.
My Dad was not a perfect man, he never claimed to be. He just tried to do the best he could with everything he had. Dad was a simple man and he led a simple life. But it was a very good life. He will be missed beyond belief.
Anyway, that's it. I know what the enemy had intended for bad that God can use for His good. This whole Summer has been a testimony to his goodness and glory. I have no idea how I could have gotten through without it. Especially when we were planning the funeral and around people I hadn't seen in years, I just kept thinking, "Okay, I can do this a little longer and then I can go home and get down on my knees and be comforted." Now, the struggle is to not have an orphan mentality. I know that my parents aren't here physically but they are looking down on me with love, just like my Heavenly Father.
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