The Final Say

Hey y'all! I'm back! I know, I psyched you out there. You probably thought it would be another 3 months until I posted but here I am. I'm not going to lie to you...the last few months have been so busy and stressful that I have not really taken the time to sit back and realize just how blessed I really am. I was reminded of that this morning.

At church my pastor asked if anyone had a testimony of God's faithfulness and I found myself unknowingly raising my hand and words just spilling out of my mouth. Have you ever had this happen to you? It does to me every now and then and I love it when it does happen. I usually learn something that I didn't know before, or I did know it but didn't recognize it.

I said, "I had lots of problems having children. I have had three miscarriages, two before my daughter was born and one after her. It was a very painful time for me. I love being a Mom and I love children. I felt cheated because I felt that in a way, I was called to be a mother. I was raised in a very large family and I loved it. After my divorce I just tried to accept the fact that I would only have one child. Well, as you all know I currently have five children in my home." My pastors grinned and said how that truely was a miracle. I realized at that moment that it is a HUGE miracle! The make up of my body could not even determine how many children I get to raise. My God did. Let me give you some background here......

My daughter's father and I met when I was 17 years old. He was my first boyfriend. He was also a smooth talker. About three months later I got pregnant. I quit school and moved out with him into our first apartment. It was an enormously stressful time. We never had enough money and he was a big drinker. I miscarried a week after moving from home. Three months after that I ended up pregnant again only to miscarry two months later. Not even a month after that misscarriage I was pregnant again with my daughter. I was on bed rest almost the whole time. I was very sick most of the day and stayed up most of the night. When I was seven months pregnant her Dad and I got married and moved in with my parents. The first time I saw my beautiful, red-headed little girl, I fell in love. I had never felt this way about anyone. I was a Mom. This little person had been entrusted to my care. I took that responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, her Dad did not. We spent the next two years fighting until I finally left and filed for divorce. There was a lot of things that went down in those years that I will not talk about here. No matter what has happened, he is still her father and I will respect that.

About two years after that I started dating again. It was a crazy time for me. I blogged in the past about my serial dater times and my second husband so I won't go into detail here. I got pregnant again. My daughter was four years old so this would have been five years ago. When I let my husband know he told me he hoped that I would miscarry. He didn't want any more children right then. I knew that the siuation wasn't good and it would just complicate things, but it didn't matter. I still really wanted that baby. I felt it was my last chance to have any more kids.

I was devastated when I miscarried. I didn't get out of bed for about a week. It was actually my daughter who pulled me out of my despair. She crawled in bed with me and put her little hands on my face. She told me that she loved me and snuggled up against me. She said that she loved spending time with me and would I tell her a story? I looked at her precious face and could not tell her no. I said, "Baby, I will do you one better. How about going to a movie? Can you take your Mama on a date?" Her little face lit up. "Mom, that would be so fun! Can I bring my teddy bear? Oh, and can you take a shower? You don't smell like perfume like you usually do." I smiled for the first time in a week. That was the beginning of what we started calling 'Mommy-daughter dates'. We still do it now.

At this point, I decided I would take a break from dating and just focus on my daughter. I did this for a year or two and then decided to make the move to Great Bend and start going back to school full-time. We had been here about eight months when I started taking foster parenting classes. Right before I had completed them all, I found out I had a tumor. I stopped the classes, had surgery and then found out a friend's daughter had been put in foster care and she needed a home. I hurried and finished up what I needed to and got my first foster kid.

And here I am. A woman who had given up on having a large family now has five children. I love and cherish each one of them and as stressful as my days (especially mornings) are, I would not change it for the world. So, God took this broken vessel that could not have any more children and blessed me with five.

Last week I went to pick up my boys from their visit with their Mama when the youngest asked me a question that made me pause. "Hannah, why did you want kids so bad?" I looked at his Mom in puzzlement. She smiled and explained, "We were just reading the Bible story about Hannah." Ah, now I understood. There are a lot of similarities there.

Hannah wanted children more than she wanted air to breathe. She prayed all the time that God would bless her. It wasn't until she promised Him that she would turn the child over to Him to be raised and used in the Lord's work that she became pregnant. She kept her promise even though it was painful and gave the child to the church to be trained in the ways of the Lord. After that, Hannah had many children. I had to start walking with God and committ to raising my kids in a Christian home before I had more kids. And I do.

Any time a child enters my home, I pray and give them over to God. In doing this, it takes a lot of things out of my hands. I knew that doing foster care would be hard for me because I get super attached to kids. But, since God is in control I know that when they leave my home it is because my work is done. I have done whatever He had planned for me to do in their lives and it's time for them to learn from someone else. I was feeling pretty good and thought I had it all figured out until I felt a tug from God again.

He wanted me to turn over my daughter to him too. What? My precious one?! My miracle baby? Is there nothing He doesn't want? Can't I keep one thing for myself? Then I realized, she belongs to Him anyway. God gave her to me for a season to raise, but she belongs to Him. After I was able to do that my daughter's faith started growing even more. It was like there was nothing holding her back anymore. It was incredible to watch. It still is.

So you see, it doens't matter what society, the doctors, or even your own body says. If God wants to bless you with something He will do it. I am a living testament to that. Don't let anyone speak negative words over you. God has the last say and as long as you are still breathing, He is not done with you. He is a restorer. That means different things for all of us. He has a specific plan for each one of us. Don't give up on yourself.....He hasn't.

Thank you Lord for giving me something that I didn't even know to ask for. Thank you for making me a mother to many. Please God, help to me raise Spiritually strong children. Protect them as they go throughout their day. Help me to use Your words to guide them. And most of all, thank you Lord.

Update....

So, a friend that went on the mission trip with me in May pointed out to me that I had not blogged since July. I thought, “Gee, has it really been that long? It doesn’t feel like it.” Sure enough, it has been that long! So much has happened in the last 3 months, I will try to catch you up as best as I can…..

I currently have 5 kids in my home. My own red-headed 9 year old daughter, my 18 month old foster daughter, my 3 and 6 year old foster boys who are brothers and the newest addition is a 15 year old foster daughter. These 5 blessings are just part of the reason for the distraction that has kept me from blogging. You remember that I am also a full-time student, right? Well, classes started up again in August after having taken the summer off. I am taking some doozey classes that are keeping me very preoccupied right now. I am learning a lot, but I think this may be the hardest semester of classes I have taken. The closer I get to graduation, the more intense the classes get. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I take an extra class in the next 2 semesters then I should be done Fall 2011. Whoohoo!

This has been an incredible journey for me, going back to school. I have enjoyed it tremendously but it will be nice to be done. I can’t wait to walk across that stage!
My only regret is that my Mom won’t be there to whoop and holler and let everyone around her know how proud she is. Oh yes, she would make a spectacle of herself when it came to her kids. We all knew, without a shadow of doubt when she was proud. We are a lot alike in that respect. I know that she will be looking down and whooping and hollering from above. I just wish sometimes I could see it. Anyway, enough of that….we all know I miss my Mama dearly. I don’t need to dwell on that.

Another super positive change that has taken place is that my boys are very close to going home. I am so happy about that! Their Mom has made so many positive changes its unreal. She has started going to church with us even! I will be very sad when they go, but their Mom and I have developed a relationship and she has asked if I will stay in both her and the boys’ lives. She said in court that I have been a positive influence on her and the main reason she was able to make the change she has. I almost burst into tears, right there in front of everyone! It has been so awesome to see these things come to pass. The most important thing of all is that she has asked God to come into her life and heart! As hard as it has been at times, this has made it all worthwhile. God, I give you the glory for this miracle! Thank you for letting me be a part and witness to it.

I have also quit one of my part time jobs. Being able to sleep at home every night has been a lot less stressful for the kids and me both. I do miss the clients though. I continue to pray for them. When I quit that job I started working 5 days at the restaurant I work at. I love working there! It is set inside a Christian book store. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am on a budget so I don’t go overboard on all the books and CD’s they have there. Who am I kidding? I have to remind myself daily!

I am sorry to say that there is nothing to report on the romance front. I am still very much single. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I had someone ask me why I don’t date. Well, I don’t have a very good track record. I don’t really trust myself to choose who would be good for me and my children. So, I am letting God choose for me. He knows what’s best and I trust His judgment alone. Plus, I am still waiting for that guy that sees my kids as a huge bonus instead of a mountainous stumbling block. He’s out there somewhere.

All these changes and additional things going on have definitely kept me hopping. I have found myself overwhelmed at times, just today in fact. However, that is going to be material for another blog as I am still processing through that. It would make this one way too long. I am relying on God to see me through all these things.

Something I am declaring here and now, is that I am not letting anyone or anything steal my peace! It is mine to cherish and keep. Stress tends to do that to me. Then I get even more stressed because I don’t like feeling that way. Being exhausted and about to cry at the drop of a hat is not how life is supposed to be. When I started walking with God, He took those things over for me. I used to get overwhelmed at the smallest of things. Of course, I have a lot more going on now than I did then but even so, I refuse to let things get to me and destroy my good mood. After all, if my God is for me than what can be against me? Not one single thing. Thank you Lord for placing importance on even the small things that bother me. I can’t do any of this on my own. I don’t want to even try anymore. I leave it all in Your very capable hands, knowing that You can handle anything. You are God, after all!