Break time!

I attempted to go to bed early again tonight but it didn't work out very well. When I was talking to one of my friends today about stuff that has been going on for us both in the last week, we agreed that there is an air of change right now. I don't feel like it's negative or anything like that. This could explain why I have been so wierded out lately. The Hannah of the past did not like big life changes at all! The new Hannah is getting better at it.

Tonight, my youngest son got sent to bed early. The kids were playing kitties and having a great time. He went overboard. Got too loud and too rough. I had to break it up. I was helping him get his pull-up and pajamas on, all while he was howling his protests. I couldn't help but notice that no tears accompamnied his cries. I went to close the door and he stopped crying. (He knows that it gets shut if he continues to cry) I opened the door instead. I never heard another word out of him. I didn't even turn on the audio story. He must have been really tired!

I think all of us are a lot like my youngest. We get very tired and overwhelmed with things that are going on. Instead of pausing and saying, "Why am I feeling this way? What is really going on here?" and slowing down a little, we just start spinning like a top. I know I do. God loves us and wants to pick us up, put our jammies on and send us to rest. We don't always hear Him though. Sometimes, we get caught up in our everyday life and worries and we forget to just take a deep breath and be still for a moment. Be still.

I know what you are thinking, "I do not have time for that! That Hannah is one crazy broad! When does she ever have time to pause and take a breath?" I'm not necessarily talking about physically being still, although that is important too. What I am talking about is being still in your spirit. If you have all these thoughts of kids, work, what you are having for dinner, stresses, what your husband said last night that hurt you, the dog pooping on the living room floor, the beds that need made, and the vacuming that needs done, how can you possibly hear from your Father? How can He guide you when you are too busy to listen and talk to Him about your problems. The dishes can wait. No one will die from walking on floors that need vacumed.

Something else that is a common misconception (I know because I used to believe this) is that you have to bow your head and close your eyes to pray or talk to God. This is not true! I'm going to let you in on an awesome secret.....God can hear you right where you are! I talk to God when I am driving, cleaning the toilet, and even at work. My personal favorite is in the shower. The door is locked, I am relaxed, and I'm in my own little cubicle of cleanliness. I am washing off the days grime and talking to my Daddy. Think of it as your personal cell phone to your Lord. Your 'prayer phone'. (I should copyright this stuff Heehee!) He is never too busy. He wants to hear from you at all times, in all things.

Since he isn't physically there to stop us and slow us down when we need rest like I did for my son, we need to recogize the signs in ourselves and act on it. Sometimes, you need to take yourself out of the game. You will feel much better for it. It could be as simple as relegating yourself into your bedroom for 30 minutes and having some personal time with God. I tell the kids, "I need some Mommy time okay?" and I pop in a 30 minute cartoon. I pray in front of my kids all the time. They need to see that too. However, sometimes you need some personal time with your Father. It would be the difference of carrying on a conversation with your friend in a crowded room, and if you were one on one drinking coffee in your kitchen. Both scenarios can have rewarding outcomes but sometimes you need that 'Daddy and Me' time.

It's important for everyone to do this but especially for us single parents. We don't have a spouse to say, "Here honey, let me help you. Are you okay?" We need to get to know ourselves, and our God, well enough to know when it is time to slow down. Love yourself enough to give yourself a break. God does. If it any easier on you here you go.....This is Mama Hannah telling you that you need a time out! Go talk to your Father! *Teehee* Love you guys........

Daniel 10:19

Strength in weakness

This really has been 'one of those days'. I ran the gambit of emotions today; frustrated, angry, broken, sad, confused, torn, spent, and peaceful. It wasn't all at once though, thank goodness! I might explode if I felt all that at the same time. It all started yesterday.....

I had a lot of fun Friday night but I came home to the same problems. Dirty dishes, laundry, homework, and grumpy kids were all clamoring for my attention. I really needed to recharge but how could I possibly do that with all this stuff in my face and running through my head? I ignored the warning signs that I needed to slow down. Instead, I kept running in circles. Are you seeing where this is heading yet?

My daughter had a soccer game yesterday. I put on my soccer Mom pin with my daughter's picture on it and we were off. These girls that my daughters team was playing were rough! She got pushed down twice and kicked once. They were just plain mean! Of course my daughter's team got crushed. I was standing by one of her teammate's Dads when they came running out of the gym. Her little friend was in tears. Come to find out, one of the girls from the other team had called her a loser. Can you believe that! These are 3rd graders! This is how my thought process went....How dare they mess with these girls like that. This is absolutely ridiculous! Pushing down my baby girl! She is tiny compared to these other girls. This is why I don't watch professional competitive sports. It's just a freaking game people! It should be fun, not life and death. I ought to take that girl over my knee, or at the very least give her mother a piece of my mind!

We left there and went home. This point is where my kids started bickering. In the car of all places. My 6 year old son was laughing at something that was on the radio, but my daughter got it into her head that he was finding amusement in the bruises she received in the game. I was trying to talk on the phone and vent to my brother about the absurdity of the game. (One of my biggest pet peeves is people talking and being loud while I am on the phone.) My 2 year old son was feeding off of us all and singing the ABC's at the top of his lungs. Doesn't this paint a pretty picture of family bliss?

We got home and I sent everyone to their rooms to cool off. My mood was getting worse and worse. I kept thinking about everything I needed to do and wasn't doing. And I kept thinking about how bad I wanted to move to a different, bigger house. Maybe even a house that's big enough for all the kids to have their own rooms and a playroom.Then, in the backyard would be a little house for me to live in. Just joking! Calm down! I can have my little pink and purple dreams can't I? My little duplex is pretty small, but when we are all in foul moods it gets even smaller.

After our quiet time we decided to put in a movie and watch it. It was my youngest son's turn to choose and wouldn't you know he picked a Barbie movie? Oh, I hear a nap calling me! I turned on the TV and laid down on the couch. I had just closed eyes when my nephews came over and asked to spend the night. 5 little, eager, shining faces promised me everything but their firstborn children if I would let them have a sleepover. How can I possibly say no to that? I love my nephews to pieces! The cool thing about my brother and sister-in-law living so close, is that we pretty much raise our kids together. Needless to say, my 3 year old and 5 year old nephews joined the ranks last night.

We had a wholesome dinner of macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. The kids played hard. At 9pm it was time to change into pajamas and put in a movie. They all got their blankets and pillows and got into position on the living room floor. Before I put in the movie, I explained to them that I was getting on the treadmill and if I had to stop it to come in and referee, they were all going to bed. 5 little heads nodded and said they would be very quiet and watch the movie. I gave them the big mama look just to make sure they knew that I meant business. I went in my room and spent 45 minutes huffing and puffing. Miraculously, I didn't get interrupted at all. I felt really good when I got off. Like I had accomplished something. In fact, I felt so good that I did another load of laundry. My oldest nephew was still up and talked me into letting him sleep with me. He put on a movie in my room, I set the sleep timer and went to sleep.

About an hour later, my daughter crawled in between my nephew and I. We were both too tired to protest, so he allowed her to shove him aside and crawl under the covers. Next thing you know, there is a bump in the night. It's my nephew, hitting the floor after my daughter wiggled him right off the bed. He didn't even cry. I got out of bed and put him on the couch. I told him he would be safer there. He agreed and went right back to sleep.

I woke up to hungry kids and complaints of, "Cereal again! You usually make pancakes Sunday morning!" I explained to them that we didn't have time for pancakes and I hadn't gone to the grocery store lately to purchase what I needed to make it. Even though I was trying to be patient, I was snapping at them. I called my sister in law and she agreed to take the kids after church so I could have a few hours to myself. So, I took a deep breath and ordered everyone into the car for church.

During praise and worship, I found myself being torn. I can't hold, cuddle with, talk to, or sit by any of the kids (including my nephews) without someone getting jealous. I usually find it a little amusing, but this morning I was not in the mood. How can one person be split 5 ways to give each child what they need and still reserve something to keep themselves sane? This is not anything I usually struggle with. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a kid person. I have what I like to call "Big Mama Syndrome". Any children who happen to be around me get pulled into my brood. Kids are drawn to me. I love it! I always wanted a big family but God had other plans. I only have one biological child. I think that this is why some people get confused on how many kids I really have. I was singing and trying to get into the worship of it. I couldn't focus. I just prayed for God to take this uneasiness away. I told him I was giving all my worry to Him; my children, the safety of my home, my finances, my loneliness. I wasn't holding a thing back. I just needed Him to comfort me. Please God! Comfort me! Your beloved is crying out to You!

At this point, my youngest son pushed my youngest nephew and they both bumped into me. I separated them and pulled my son on the other side of me. He started crying like I had broken his little heart. I picked him up and rubbed his back. I told him that I loved him. I told him it was okay, just to relax. I understood how frustrated he was. As much as he loves them, my nephews were taking up some of his space. Then it hit me, this is how I am feeling. The same way I am comforting and cuddling my son, is the same thing that my Father wants to do for me. He loves me beyond anything I can understand. I just needed to slow down long enough for Him to do it.

After the church service, I cried in the car. I met my sister in law at her house and went home. I didn't turn on the TV, radio, or computer. I really wanted to cheat on my diet. I didn't though. I go through phases like that. It really is self-destructive. I have a bad day when I can't live up to the super Mom that I feel everyone expects me to be. I am pretty sure I'm not the only one who has problems with that. I say that I live my life for God, but then I take everything on my shoulders instead of placing it where it belongs. Jesus didn't die for me and offer me eternal life to watch me struggle through things. He wants all of me. Even the little stuff that bothers me. Yes, He is almighty. However, that doesn't mean that He is too big to handle the small, everyday junk. Even God rested on the seventh day. Why can't I? I need to learn to ask for help when I know I need it. I also need to learn to accept help when it is offered.

In the middle of my crying out to Him, I fell asleep. I felt much better when I woke up. I went and picked up my kids. We played outside and I got my homework done while they watched part of a movie. It's one of our favorites. We can all recite almost all the lines..."Good afternoon. My name is Russell. I am a Wilderness Explorer."...."Squirrel!!" I read a story to them, they had their baths and all went to bed happy and exhausted. I got on the treadmill and am now blogging. There is an unmistakable peace in my home right now. There is great strength in my weakness. When I am at my worst is when God is at His best because that's when I let Him take over. Someday soon, I am going to get to the point where I don't have to be in melt down mode to receive that revelation.

Father, give me the strength to realize that I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to. I need to learn to take time out and seek Your face at all times, not just in times of stress. Thank you for loving me and blessing me with these children, who teach me about Your love everyday. Give me the grace to raise them how You want them to be raised. Help me to be the mother that You created me to be. Let me love them like You do, Lord.

This is the Bible verse that I am hiding in my heart today. Matthew 11:28-30

My kids and my non-existant social life

Good afternoon blog land! How are you today? I wish I could really carry on a conversation with you guys. Instead, you get to read my aimless ramblings. Aren't you lucky? I needed a break from my Saturday house cleaning activities so I thought I would make use of it. I actually got to sleep in this morning until 8:30! Can you believe it? The only downside of that is it meant that I had to drive in my pajamas and Medusa hairdo to drop my daughter off for her activity. Thank goodness I didn't have to get out. She said, "Mom will you walk up there with me?" I looked down at my pajamas and looked back at her. Then she said, "Uh, never mind. See you!" I couldn't help but feel that I dodged a bullet on that one. I'm sure she felt the same way.

Yesterday started out kind of shaky. Let me back up here and explain something. On Wednesday morning I didn't have class, so I was still in my pj's at 8:30. My youngest son was playing in the living room. There was a knock at the door. Crap! So, I wrap my arms around my chest to keep the girls held back (I didn't even have a bra on!) and answered the door. There was the maintenance guy. He walks right by me and announces that he has a list of stuff he has to fix from the inspection that was done 2 weeks ago. I told him that I wish I would have known he was coming so I could have gotten dressed. His reply was to not worry about it because people walk around in their pajamas all the time. Well, I don't. He walks into the bathroom and says that he has to run to the store to get some things. It would have taken him at least 10 minutes to drive there and back so I locked the door and jumped in the shower. I took 3 minutes tops. I got out of the shower and went to my bedroom. My son says, "Mom, that guy was here. He came back."

I was pissed! There is no other word for it! So, I got dressed and brushed my hair. I opened my front door so he would know that I was out of the shower. After a few minutes, he opens the front door and says, "Are you ready for me now?" He proceeded to fix what he needed to and left. No apology or mention of it at all.

So, yesterday morning I had to take a shower when it was just my youngest and I again. I decided on a bath. I could hear him talking in the living room but I couldn't tell if he was talking to himself or someone else so I did a quick rinse off and got out. I started to feel really shaky. I don't feel safe in my own home anymore! I couldn't help but think if there was a man in the house, liberties like that wouldn't be taken. Urgh! So, I went to work pretty stressed. I prayed a lot about it and was able to process stuff through. I made a formal complaint with the management of my duplex. She listened to me but I don't think she really heard me. That's all I can do. I tried to budget out to see if there was a way I could afford to move. Unless a miraculous something happens, I can't. I did pray about it though and I learned a long time ago to not put God in a little box. Finances mean nothing to Him. He can do anything. By evening time I was feeling better.

A friend and I had been trying to get together for about a month for 99cent Margarita night at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. She had been wanting to take me out for my birthday. We finally had a kid free night together and decided to go. We both got there and ate chips and had dinner and our drinks. We had an absolute blast!! By our second margarita, I was slurring my words a bit and her hand motions were getting bigger and bigger. I said, "This is too funny! This place is crowded and these tables are pretty close. What must people be thinking of us as we sit here with our margaritas, laughing, and talking loudly about God?" We had been sharing our testimonies and daily struggles with being parents and raising them with faith, laughing the whole time. She replied, "Honey, Jesus made that water into wine! You know He wanted them to have a good time!" I laughed so hard! We ended up staying for 3 hours, talking away. I only had 2 drinks though. By the time we left we were both sobered up. On the drive home I had to stop and think when the last time was that I had an evening out with no kids at all. It has been about 6 months since my daughter stopped going to her Dad's every other weekend. I think it had been at least that long! I resolved to go out with friends like that at least once a month. Everyone needs to recharge, right?

When I got home my youngest son yelled, "Hi, Mom!" as he ran by me. He was intent on the game he was playing with my nephews. My daughter and my other son, that was a different story. "Mom, where have you been? We have been waiting for you! You were gone a long time!" My daughter had her hands on her hips and my son's arms were crossed. They meant business. "I went to dinner with a friend. I was only gone for 3 hours. That's not that long." My daughter's eyes narrowed. "Who was this friend, Mom? Do I know them?" I replied, "No, you don't know her. I met her at book club." She relaxed, "Oh okay." Did she think I was on a date? Boy, will it ever be a shock to her system when I do meet my man and start dating him!

It was good to be home. I took off my shoes and called my sister. She was telling me about her promotion at work. All of a sudden, I hear a scream and then my daughter comes stomping in the kitchen. My jaw dropped. She is standing in front of me, head bobbing and her little pointer finger was flying, "Do you know what he did? He was trying to get a blanket out of the cupourd by my room and I thought someone was knocking! I opened my bedroom door and hit my head! It's all his fault! I am so sick of him messing with me!!" She didn't just say this, she yelled it. I tried to keep a straight face. "Let me get this straight. By him getting a blanket, he made you hit your head?" I couldn't help it. I started laughing. Loudly. She shrieked indignantly and stomped off to her room saying, "No one takes me seriously in this house!" I was still on the phone with my sister. She was chuckling too. "Did you hear what she said?", I asked her. "No,"she replied. "I could hear that it was very dramatic just by her tone though. How dare you laugh, Hannah!" We were both howling at this point. "Oh geez! See what happens to my children when I start to get a life of my own? They rebel and I laugh!"

This is one of the things I struggle with, and I'm sure my kids do too. I am their only stability. I am also only one person. They each need a little individual time with me. I also need a little time to myself. There is only 1 of me and 3 of them. Those are not great odds. I do my best to spend quality time with them. I think I do okay. At times, I get overwhelmed. Who wouldn't? I work 2 part-time jobs, go to school full time, am a single mom and a foster parent. That's a lot. How do I do it all? Faith. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without God's grace and peace. He fills me up and gives me the spiritual and emotional strength to get through my crazy days. He is also preparing a special someone to walk this path with me. It will be nice to have someone to help me and love me and spend time with. I will also be happy to help, love, and spend time with him. Where is he? I don't know. God does. I am ready whenever you are God. Hear me up there? Okay, just checking. Just because I love and trust Him doesn't mean I am always patient. I am only human, after all!!

Who do you represent today?

Oh, it has been a busy few days. Last night was our first children's church. It was a little chaotic, but very successful. I feel pretty good about it and have some more ideas brewing in my head. Can you pray for me on this one? I feel that it is a very big responsibility to teach about God. Sometimes I feel unworthy, but you know what the song says, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!" I am the kind of person that when I am excited about something I want to tell everyone about it. I want everyone I know to be as whole as I am.

I feel unworthy about a lot of things. Who am I? I think that's why this blog thing had been bothering me. I enjoy writing it. I just feel weirded out that it has taken off like it has. I say that like I have hundreds of readers! Heehee! I do have 6 followers now though. Moving on up, baby! It made me nervous that some of my friends and family wanted me to make business cards and possibly make my own website. I started shrinking back from it. Not me! I don't want people looking at me like that!! I talked to a couple of good friends of mine about it, who also happen to be my pastors. I was stressing way too much! I told them about the whole thing. It went like this......
"So, what do you think about that? Isn't that weird?"
"What about that is weird? I think both ideas are great."
"I don't know if I'm ready for that though!"
"Why, you don't want people to know what you are doing?"
"No, that's not it."
"What then?"
"It's just me! Who really cares?"
"Hannah, if God gives you something to say then you need to say it. Whether you believe it or not, you are making a difference. Who better to talk about turning your life around than someone who has?"
"Yeah, but making business cards? My own website? Am I going to have to take computer classes to keep up with this thing?"
"No, you just write. This is a God thing and He will provide for it. If one of your friends feels led to set up a website for you then they will. If your sister wants to hand out business cards that's great. You don't have to do anything about it. You just write. That's your job in this. The rest will fall into place."
Man, am I blessed to have such supportive and wonderful people in my life or what? So, I am feeling better about it all. This is not about me, thank you God!! It's about Him and my walk with Him. It's a personal thing, but I'm willing to share because He laid it on my heart to do so. I know not everyone may agree with what I write but that's okay. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to pray, and write, and let God take care of the rest.

Today, I was mulling this over as I put on my apron for the Bistro. When you work for a business you represent what they are all about. Your attitude towards yourself and others, your appearance, the words you speak, and your actions are all a reflection of your employer. Even when you are not at work, if people see you somewhere and recognize you they associate you with your company. For example, if you see the cable guy screaming at a grocery store employee, doesn't that make you think, "Geez, remind me not to get cable from him!?" It would for me. That may not be fair, but that's the way it is. So, I know that I blogged about not judging a book by it's cover but this is going to kind of contradict that a little. It's two different things though. I think.

I started asking myself this question, "Does everything about me represent my Father? Do my words, actions, and attitudes reflect Him?" Not all the time. But, I work hard to make sure that I please Him. Not because I have to. Not because I think He will stop loving me. Not even because I'm afraid of going to hell. I want to be a reflection of Him because I love Him and I choose to. I wake up every day and choose how that day is going to go. I cannot control my circumstances. Control is an illusion. I can, however, control how I react to them.

I'm not at all perfect! I sometimes yell at my kids, my house is not spotless, I sometimes cheat on my diet (Oops! I mean lifestyle change), and I speed when I think I can get away with it. God loves me despite all my little quirks. That is a pretty awesome feeling! I have changed things because I chose to. I wanted to glorify Him. I didn't want someone I saw in church listening to me curse at the park. Oh yeah, that totally happened. To stop cursing was one of my biggest triumphs because of how difficult it was! Did I shock you? Sorry. I didn't curse all the time but they would slip out. I was good at it too. I would get frustrated and the bleeps would start falling out of my mouth! I use other words now. One of my favorites is "BISCUIT EATER!" Don't ask me where it came from because I don't know.

Yes, even when I am alone in my home I am still representing Him..... They will know you are followers because of your love for one another....... Are you representing? Would people be surprised to find out you love God? We don't have to be underground anymore. That stopped thousands of years ago. It won't kill you to be a Christian in public. It used to though. Isn't it amazing that we don't have to keep our light covered up? So, are you representing today?

Oops! My God is showing!

Man, oh man! My kids are all in their beds now. 2 out of 3 went to bed literally crying and howling. I have the music turned up very loud so I don't have to hear them. I logged onto my email account and had a spam message from someone hustling birth control. "Too late!!" I said out loud. Heehee! I love my children, don't get me wrong. I will admit that sometimes I wished they came with a remote control.....rewind, change channels, volume control, and my personal favorite~MUTE!!

My daughter was having a very bossy and extremely dramatic day. The kids decided that they all wanted snacks. So, she went in the kitchen and became the snack dictator. I was waiting to see where it was going to go. You see, she can boss my 6 year old son. But my youngest, he is a force unto his own.
She says to him, "What snack do you want?"
He replies, "I like your skirt."
She smiled and asked even bossier, "What snack do you want?"
He puts the tips of his finger together in a mob boss pose. I'm not joking here. I couldn't make this stuff up! He replies, "I like your idea."
She is starting to get really nasty! "Don't copy me! What snack do you want?"
He stays calm. "I like your glasses."
She is screaming at him by now. "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LIKE!! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SNACK YOU WANT!!" She is sobbing and crying.
This is where "Big Mama" has to step in. I say loudly over her screams, "Little girl! I don't know where you got the idea that you can talk to people that way! That is not acceptable. Since when did you become the snack police? How many kids do you have anyway?! Oh, that's right...none! So how about you go to your room for being so nasty and let me be the Mom?"

She literally stomped her way all the way to her room howling at the top of her lungs. I turn to my youngest son. He is smiling at me. He thinks he has won. "Don't think I don't know what you are doing. You wanted to make her mad and make her scream and get in trouble." His little face fell. "You see honey, I have a little brother too. I am wise to your ways. It is not nice to make her mad on purpose just because you can. Because of that you will not get a snack either." He runs to his room howling too. My 6 year old and I look at each other. He says, "I think I'm tired. I'm going to bed." And off he goes. Guess he figured he had better go to bed himself before I sent him there howling too!

Ahhhh, there I can turn down the music. They must have cried themselves to sleep. It is nights like this that I think it would be really nice to have a husband. Somebody to roll my eyes with at the kids drama. Someone to ignore them with me. I know, romantic right? Oh, it paints such a pretty picture. Okay, I'm cracking myself up....I must be tired!

Seriously though, even though I have my God and my kids and awesome friends and family, I do long for my husband. Not just any old husband, but mine. God has him all lined up for me. We are making our way towards each other. You never know, I might see him and talk to him every day. But I won't know him for who he is until the time is right. I know that some people might not understand that but God made a promise to me about my husband. The one thing that I can count on in this life is that He will keep his promises. Awesome things are going to happen! I could date, if I wanted. But why should I waste my time? No other man could compare to the man that God chose specifically for me. I don't want you to think that I'm setting myself up here. I don't expect him to be perfect. But he will be perfect for me. He will love my daughter and foster kids like I do. He will love me and all the ridiculous things that make me unique. God is planning my love story. I have settled for something less before. I won't do it again.

Waiting isn't easy, but there is sweetness in it. Loneliness is a lie. I am never alone. God is with me always. Sometimes I do feel lonely though. I am not a saint after all! I have found ways to deal with it though. I sleep with four pillows on my queen sized bed. It's not very often anymore that I do get to feeling that way but when I do, it seems to be at night. Before I was really walking with Him, I would boohoo. Call my friends. Cry myself to sleep. But now, I press into God. I talk to Him. "God, I am lonely. I know you are with me but you aren't sitting right in front of me. You can't hug me. Can You please be with me and lift this feeling from me? I love You and I'm willing to wait. I want what You want for me. I don't want anyone but the man that You ordained for me. But, can You please send him soon? I think I'm ready. And if I'm not, make me ready. I don't want him to have to pay for the things that others have done to me. If I am harboring hurt, heal me from it. Make me whole. Make me into the woman You want me to be."

When I fully gave my life over to Him, I started conducting myself as a married woman. There is reason behind that. Until God chooses to give my heart away, it completely belongs to Him. There is a quote that says, "A woman's heart should be so fully hidden in God that any man who wants to win it has to find Him." That's how I want to be. So, that's why I don't date.

A new friend and I were talking. I don't know how we got on the subject but she asked if I was seeing anyone. My reply surprised her. She asked my why I don't date? I think secretly she might have thought something was wrong with me. When I explained to her why, she relaxed. It made sense. This is another one of those things that is right for me, but not necessarily for everyone. I did my share of dating. I don't think it's horrible. I will date my husband after all. We won't just meet each other one week and then get hitched the next! Although.......Okay, okay I'm just joking. Jeesh! I'm going to get another late night phone call from my sister talking like that!

So all you single sisters take it from me! There is life after divorce and single motherhood. I haven't reached the other side of it but I will. In the meantime, I'm not just sitting around pining and waiting for Mr Right. I have an incredible life. I have awesome friends. God is using me right where I am and he will use me after I'm married too. This is the sweetness in the waiting. I will look back at this time with fondness. Especially if my husband snores! I will think back on my big, empty and silent bed with real longing! Heehee! Okay, now I know I am tired. I will leave you with this though. When you are feeling lonely and need someone to talk to, reach out to Him. If you press into relationship with God, he will draw closer to You as well. All He is waiting for is for us to ask. Be careful though. Being in His presence is addictive! Pretty soon you will be like me.....you God will be showing too! Get it, like a bra strap or something. Oh, let me quit. Goodnight you guys!

My Immortal Loving Man

Today has been a crazy day! It was good to be back at work and into the routine again but it's not easy to go back to the grind after vacation. It helps that I love going to work! I got kids to school and then my youngest and I came home and ate breakfast together. I got in the shower and he waited outside the door, as usual. As soon as he heard the shower go off he started talking. Then I put on my robe and walked to my room and shut the door. He followed me and started to knock on the door, "Permission, can I come in permission?" I think that he is under the impression that when I am in a room with the door closed that my name changes to permission. That's okay though. We had to start having boundaries when I started having boys in my home. We have adjusted well.

I dropped my youngest off at the babysitter and went to work. Got off work and ran to the grocery store for supper stuff and my healthy eating staples. Then, I had just enough time to throw them in the fridge and run to pick up kids. When I got home the boys CASA worker was here. She visited with the boys while I did the dishes and started supper. My sister-in-law and nephews came over. They love my chicken and noodles. It's always a good feeling when picky eaters ask for seconds! We ran a few errands and then I was pooped. I was laying in bed by 8:30. I figured my daughter is old enough to take herself to bed!

I am just starting to close my eyes while listening to a program on PBS about the Dr who invented the lobotomy (strange choice I know) when my phone rings. My 'Funky Donkey' ring tone made my eyes fly open! Yes, I said 'Funky Donkey'. You have to hear it to fully appreciate it. It was my sister.
"Hello?" I answered groggily.
"Hey, so I've been thinking..."
"Oh, no. You should stop that!"
She laughed, "No, seriously! I think that you should make business cards with only the address of your blog on it. And maybe a cool background or something."
"Why would I do that?"
"So you can pass them out to people!"
I didn't think I was fully awake. She was not making any sense! So I asked again, "Why would I do that?"
"Well, so you can tell people about your blog. Don't you want people to know?"
"I think people do know. Didn't you see that I have a whole, whopping 4 followers?"
"Hannah, are you awake? I'm serious! Just today I was talking to one of my supervisors about your blog and I tried to tell her how to get to it so she could read it. I told her how much I like it and how much it has made a difference for me. I would have loved to have a card to give to her."
I sat up in bed, "Really?"
"Oh, Hannah yes! I don't know why you think that no one cares about it!" I could hear her exasperation and excitement through the phone.

We talked for a while. I told her the thought of being put on a pedestal really scares me. None of this is me. It's God through me. I'm just normal Hannah. She told me that her and my niece were talking and she said, "Mom, I don't know how anyone could be around Aunt Hannah and not be affected by her faith. You know just by being around her that she loves and lives her life for God!" My sister agreed with her. When she told me that I started crying. I said, "Thank you God for changing me into the kind of person that exudes your love!" I'm tearing up now just typing this. I didn't know how to take that, and I told her so. Then I said, "Oh crap! People are looking up to me!" She started laughing at me! "That really surprises you?" "Uh, yeah!" I exclaimed. "Why would anyone look up to me? I'm just a person! Who am I?" She could tell I was getting nervous. "Think about the people you look up to and how they affected you. Wasn't that awesome?" I replied, "Of course it was but I never thought I would be one of those people!"

She told me that I am in a unique position. She has never met anyone who has a relationship with God like I do. She said the fact that I am a normal person is what makes me real and what people want to read about. She does have a point here. I have been through a lot. I am a single mom, been in abusive relationships, dealt with the drug addiction of an ex husband, my Mom died suddenly almost 4 years ago, I'm a foster parent, had a tumor removed a year ago, and the list goes on. You know what the amazing thing is? I am alive. I am more alive now then I have ever been. It was life changing once I realized that there is an immortal man, who loves me unconditionally, almost irrationally, despite all my faults and not only says he would die for me. This wonderful man did die for me! His name is Jesus! How can I not blossom under His intensely loving gaze? All I want is to live my life for Him. For His glory. People can say, "I love you so much that I would die for you. My love is unending." But only God followed through with that.

As nervous as the thought made me, I agreed that she could make up the business cards. I want you guys to know, whoever you are, that I am just me. None of this is possible without God's grace. He is what keeps me going when my day is stressful. He's who I talk to when I'm happy and when I'm sad. My sister said that is unique, but that's a lie. It's not unique at all. Any of us can have that relationship with Him! Just ask Him. I promise you that He will provide it for you if you truly want to seek His face. We were made to love Him! So step out and be what He created you to be.....and instrument and testament to His undying love for you!

How do you like that? It's 11:30. So much for going to bed early. I secretly think that my sister called me to wake me up and get my brain going just so I would blog tonight and she would have something to read in the morning. She claims that's not the case but she was laughing while she said it. Big sisters can be soooooo annoying!! But, I love her. Sigh. Goodnight all.

Judging a book by it's cover

Hey you guys! I didn't have a chance to blog while I was in Colorado. I was staying with my cousin and he doesn't have Internet. My sister informed me that there were Internet cafes and that I should find one but we were too busy doing fun stuff to even worry about that. Sorry! I must say though I had the best time. I love my Colorado family! They are lots of fun. My daughter caught 2 fish and rode a 4 wheeler by herself! So many fun things and awesome memories. I got lots of topics for blogs too. This is the first......

My daughter and I hit the road on Monday morning at about 7am after dropping the boys off at respite. We went up to Hays and caught I-70. There were lots of little towns along the way. I had gotten a cappuccino and mountain dew (lethal combination) to try to stay awake. The night before I didn't get to bed until after midnight because I was packing and trying to clean house. Then, my daughter crawled in bed with me at 2am because she couldn't sleep and my youngest son woke up at 3am and was ready to start the day. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep! The consequence of that beverage combination was that I had to stop a lot to go to the bathroom. My daughter counted and by the time we hit Denver to go to the museum I had made 6 potty stops. How rude! I never counted how many times she peed her pants when I was potty training her! How soon they forget!

One of the places we stopped was a tiny little town right off the highway. I can't even remember the name of it. There was no gas station there. One paved road. It was almost exactly like the town I grew up in except it had a grocery store. (Alden doesn't even have that but it does have a cafe and a quilt shop.) I pulled up to the little grocery store. My daughter did not want to go in. We were at a really good part in our "Adventures in Odyssey" CD. I made her come anyway. So she put on her shoes and we went in.

There was a little group of about 5 people chatting at the only register. The whole grocery store was about the size of my duplex. The lady at the register asked,"Can I help you?" I said, "Do you have a bathroom we can use? I see that you don't have a gas station otherwise I wouldn't bother you." She laughed, "No, we don't have a gas station. We don't have a public restroom but if you don't mind you can use our employee bathroom in the back." I said that was great and she led the way. We chatted on the way back there and I told her about my growing up in a small town where everyone was related to me. We got to the bathroom and she showed me how to turn on the light and rig up the door so it would shut. It was a small and not very fancy bathroom but it was clean and neat and well-taken care of.

My daughter, fancy being her middle name, wrinkled her nose up. "Mom, this bathroom is gross!" I frowned at her, "It is not gross. It's very clean." She sighed, "That's not what I mean. Look at this place!" I was starting to get a little peeved here. Maybe I needed to remind her where we come from. I said to her, "Honey, it is a very unfair thing to judge a place and people in it just because they don't have fancy bathrooms or even a gas station. These are very nice people and this is a very nice town. That lady out there did not have to let me use this bathroom. But she did it because she was kind. Don't you remember the first house we had when your Dad and I divorced? Of course you wouldn't, you were just a baby. It wasn't even a house, it was a small and shabby trailer out in the middle of nowhere. When the wind blew the trailer shook and I would bring you into bed with me and cuddle and tell you stories. The air conditioner didn't work and the electricity always went out when it rained. But there was so much love in that little trailer. You learned to walk pushing a laundry basket down the uneven hallway. When it was nice I put a tarp in the front yard and turned on the water hose and we slid down that tarp until we were too tired to move anymore. At night you would play in the bathtub until the water went cold. The bathroom was just like this one except for your rubber duckies in it. Our bathroom didn't even have a door."

She stood there for a minute while I was washing my hands. "I think I do remember that. We were happy there, weren't we?" I smiled at her, "We were very happy there. It was my first taste of freedom and you were learning that it isn't normal for Mommy's and Daddy's to fight all the time. I have some of my best memories there." We left the bathroom.

When we got back to the front of the store I thanked the lady for bending the rules for us. She asked where we were going and we visited for a minute. Then, she turned to my daughter and said, "My, that is a pretty pink dress you have on! And look at those fun sneakers!". My daughter smiled and said, "Thank you. I like to dress fancy. I like your store. It's really nice. And I like the bathroom too. It smelled really good!" The lady looked very pleased. She walked us to the front door and my daughter gave her a hug. She told us to come back anytime.

We got back in the car and got situated. As we drove off she said, "Mama, you are right. If I thought that lady was just like her bathroom that wouldn't be fair. She was really nice!" I replied, "You are right honey. Meeting new people is really fun! You get to learn and experience new things. You just have to keep your heart and mind open. After all, you love Jesus don't you?" She looked shocked, "Of course I do!" "Well then, you know not to judge a book by it's cover. He was the son of God. Look at all the amazing things he did in his time on earth! Do you remember where he was born?" Now she understood. "He was born in a stable. That's like a barn right?" "Right, with the animals still in it. His parents didn't have anything fancy. But they had love and faith. That's what life is all about." We turned back on the CD and headed back to the highway.

This is something I need to keep locked in my heart too. You never know what someone had going on just under the surface. The seemingly happiest person could need a friendly smile and conversation. The grumpiest person you know may have a heart of gold. If I don't take the time to talk to people and get to know them, then I may miss out on the most wonderful opportunity. I had a friend who thought it was hysterical to go places with me. I can talk to anyone about anything. In fact, I have made several friends that way! She would stand in amazement watching me compliment someone on their shoes, and then start a 30 minute conversation about nothing. Not everyone can do that and that's okay. But when you find yourself stereotyping someone by their looks you might stop yourself and think about that. God created and loves us unconditionally, warts and all. Isn't that amazing!

No guilt here!

Colorado here we come! Our bags are all packed. All the kids are excited and nervous but showing it in different ways. My daughter has been following me around everywhere, like a little puppy. My oldest son is dancing around the house and torturing his brother and sister. My youngest son has been acting out. He has been getting mad at everyone and had to be in time out several times for little things he knows he is not supposed to do. This morning at church he wanted me to hold him the whole time. I think he is pretty nervous about going to respite.

My boys are going to respite to someone I know. Actually they are really good friends of mine and she has been a mentor to me as a foster parent. She has been with me pretty much since day 1 in my walk of faith. The boys love them both. But in church this morning my youngest sat in my lap and stared across the room at them. You see, he usually is all over the place and sings and wiggles around. Not this morning. This will be the longest I have ever left them. How do you explain to a 2 year old that even though most people in his life have left and or neglected him, that you will come back for him and love him just the same? Guilt started to over take me. I had to head that off at the pass.

Guilt and my kids have gone hand in hand for as long as I can remember. I have been a single Mom for years, pretty much all my Mommy years. I have come to realize that I have used my kiddos as a crutch to not do things so I wouldn't have to break outside of my box. The first time I started to peek outside that box was when my brother moved to Great Bend and I wanted to move closer to him. That was 2 hours away! It took me 2 months to decide. Then what do you know, I moved and went back to school!! That was a huge step for me. There were more steps to follow. I became a foster parent and I started truly walking with God and everything that that entails.

My biggest step yet will be going to Mexico for a mission trip in a few months with no kids at all! I have never done anything without my kids. Nothing. God is really working on me with this one. I argued with him about it for awhile. I wanted to take my daughter. But, He told me that being a mother is very important. I have to break completely outside of that box and be Hannah, not just Mom, or foster Mom, or Aunt, or sister. He wants to mold me into the woman He created me to be. Otherwise, how will I react when my kids grow up? He has a plan for me outside of motherhood. He does for all of us. Sometimes it's hard to remember that in the middle of all that laundry, dirty diapers, cartoons, little girl tutus and little boy mud pies. But it's true. This is just a season. Not a lifetime. My kids are a huge part of who I am but they do not define me. My God does.

So, those are my parting thoughts for now. I am taking my laptop with me but I don't think I will have access to the Internet. I will be way up in the mountains. Beautiful! Sitting here looking at the luggage I feel sorry for my poor bachelor cousin. He is going to think we moved in! Have a great Spring Break everybody!

Footprints and Victory

I'm not sure what I'm going to blog about tonight but I feel compelled to put down some thoughts so I guess we will see where this will take us. My house is so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Shocking, I know. I think I have figured out the secret to getting my kids to go to bed on time on a weekend without actually making them do it. I told them all that they could stay up as late as they want and watch movies. They were all asleep by 9pm! Here is how it went down.

My youngest was the first to bed but not because he fell asleep. All the kids were laying down on the floor with their blankets. He started doing things like laying on their legs, standing in front of the TV with his arms spread wide, singing at the top of his lungs, and running through the front room. Okay, that's enough. Time for bed. I think he was secretly relieved. He would have rather got sent to bed for being in trouble than being the baby who went to bed first because he was tired.

The other two fell asleep on the floor within minutes of each other. I made them both move to their beds and now it's just me up, sitting on my bed, talking to you. What should we talk about friend? Kids? I always talk about my kids. Sometimes I think that people must get sick of hearing about them. Housework? No, I definitely do not want to go there. Shopping? Oh, I do have something happy to say about that. I had bought a new pair of jeans and they were too big! I had to take them back today! They were the same size and style I usually got and they kept falling off my hiney! Yay! That was a pretty good feeling. Okay, I know what I want to talk about.

Footprints and victory. The last few days I have been talking to my Father a lot about a situation I have going on. Before I talked to anyone about it I needed to seek Him first. His answer isn't audible or physical but it's very real. He is so very good to me. I feel very at peace now. In the last few days I have also been thinking about a tattoo I want to get. Didn't see that one coming did you? Haha! I have met a new friend who lives in Colorado, is a Christian, and runs her own tattoo shop. Since I am visiting there next week I was talking to her about it. We tossed around ideas and I just wasn't sure what I wanted or even if the time was right to get another one. She asked me what I was passionate about. I said God. She asked me what I think see when I think about God. That was a pretty deep question. I had to think about that. Her suggestion was a set of footprints to represent my kiddos.

While I was thinking, I was still praying for God to just hide me right now in this time. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about my feelings because I hadn't processed them yet. This was my prayer...Father, I am confused, I am hurt, and I need you right now. I need to feel you. Please stay beside me. Keep your hand on my shoulder. Hide me from those who would want to hurt me, whether it be knowingly or not. I want to do Your will but I need time to recover. Please Father, be my Daddy now. Comfort me. And he did. Today I felt relief from my hurt and stress. Nobody knew I was struggling with anything. It was just something that I was dealing with in my head. For me, that is where my battle lies, and where the enemy likes to attack me most. That doesn't mean I'm crazy. It's like this, "Those people you think care about you, they don't. They can't stand you. Why would God love you? What have you done to deserve that kind of devotion? Look at you, you are nothing!" All lies. All of them. But, this is something that sometimes I still struggle with. Sometimes an unkind word can send my brain into that tailspin and I just have to pray my way out of it. Even the most seemingly secure and confident people have their struggles. Being a Christian doesn't mean your life will be all peaches and cream but it does give you an anchor in the storm. Even though no one can see it, that battle is very real. But it is also what makes me an overcomer. I wake up every morning and choose to serve God. I choose to believe His word and love for me.

How does this relate to victory and footprints? As I was taking plates to customers this afternoon I walked by one of those footprint poems. Now I have seen those things a million times. Today though, I stopped and looked at that picture with the poem. It really hit me then. What I have been praying for, is just what that poem represents. When I am having a difficult time, I press into my Father. I am not ashamed to let Him know that I am weak and need His protection. Those are the times that He is carrying me. But not just because He sees that I need it but that I ask Him, and sometimes even beg Him, for it. There is power and victory in that! I don't want to stand on my own. When I do that, I screw it up completely! I am most victorious when I am standing in my Father's light and love. When our footsteps are as one. Thank you Jesus! Thank you that you love me enough to help me when I ask. Thank you for being there and answering my prayers! I am feeling very much like a Daddy's Girl right now. It feels so good to know that someone loves me that much!

Well, I guess I should be doing something productive. Starting with laundry, again, so I can get the kids' bags packed. On Monday, we are taking my little circus on the road! My daughter is looking forward to time without the boys but I predict by the time we hit the Colorado border she will be asking when we are picking them back up again. I know they will have a great time at respite and we girls will have fun too. I am so looking forward to seeing those mountains and my family there. So I am signing off until next time....

Daddy's Love

I am much better after my Tuesday night fiasco! The tables have kind of turned in my little brood. My youngest is now at a point that the behaviors he has going on is mostly just typical terrible two stuff. My 6 year old son is now a whole different story.

It has been a few weeks ago now, but in one week he lost four pairs of gloves. He lost his coat (somewhere in the house) and I had to buy him a new one. These are just a few examples. There is not enough stuff in their room for him to have a black hole in there. I am kind of frustrated about this. How can you lose something like your coat when you wear it everyday? Thanks goodness for clearance! I will have to come up with some kind of chore chart or something for him. Maybe I was so focused on trying to get my youngest through his rough patch that I neglected him? I'm not sure. I will have to pray about that.

Then there is my daughter. She is a force unto her own. Last night she had a dramatic meltdown. I actually had to spank her! I hate doing that! I can't even remember the last time I had to! She was whining and arguing with me and having an attitude that is way too big for her 9 year old body. The last straw was her yelling, "Fine!!" and slamming her bedroom door. Oh no she didn't!! Afterward she cried and cried and then threw up (she's a natural actress). She went in the bathroom and took a shower since it was close to bed time. She came out of the bathroom and told me she was sorry. I kissed her. I told her that I accepted her apology. I also told her that I really want her to go with me next week to Colorado but that if she didn't have a severe attitude change that I would go by myself. I would find somewhere else for her to go. And I meant it. Her eyes got huge and she started crying again and went to her room.

After I put the boys into bed I went in her room to tuck her in. She was sitting there and pouting. I said gently, "Now, can you tell me what that was all about? Why are you so snippy with me tonight?" She sat for a minute and then replied with tears in her eyes, "You always spend time with the boys and not me! I need Mommy time too! You have been forgetting the last few nights to read with me. I don't like that Mom. It makes me feel like that you don't love me as much as you love them!" Aha! Now I could deal with it because I knew the culprit of her fears. "Honey, I will always love you. The cool thing about Mama's love is that God can supernaturally expand it so there is room for all of you. I'm sorry that I forgot. You know that I forget stuff a lot. You get that from me. How about reminding me next time instead of getting mad? Our time together is important to me too! I know it's not easy for you to share me with foster kids but we talked about this and decided to do it together for kids who needed us. Not just me, but you too. The boys love you and you are a great big sister. Plus, we have all next week to be together with no boys. I need you to do me a ginormous favor." Sniffle, "What?" "I need you to remember that I love you always. God gave you to me to raise and love! You and I have been through a lot together. I have the scars to prove it! You will always be my favorite redhead okay?" "Okay, I love you too! Can we read together now?" I had to think about this..."No, not tonight. You threw a huge fit and that is not okay. I forgive you, but we need to wait to read until tomorrow night. Love you!" "Love you too Mom!"

You know what? That is how God is with us. The difference is that he does know our thoughts. He wants to hear from us even when we are angry, hurt, or confused. He can talk us through our problems if we will just go to Him. There are a lot of times that I have been very hurt and confused. I didn't curse Him I just asked Him why? Why is this stuff happening? What should I do? I'm hurt and sad. I left myself open and this is what's happening. He is always faithful to listen and give me strategy and peace. He wants to hear from me no matter what kind of mood I'm in or what I want or need to talk to Him about. Sure, He loves it when I am thank Him and bless Him and just spend time with Him. But He is the ultimate parent. Our heavenly Father. Our Big Daddy. A big part of parenting is holding your children when they cry, talking them through their fears, and comforting them in their hurts. God can't do any of those things unless we turn to Him with our problems. He wants it all, not just the pretty stuff. Sometimes, life isn't pretty.

My kids teach me all the time what pretty really is. Sure, they like it when you look nice but they look at inner beauty more than outer beauty. They tend to gravitate toward people that they can tell truly care about them. But the thing that makes me feel pretty the most is this. My youngest son thinks I am most beautiful when I walk out the bathroom in my robe just after my shower. He says, "Oh, Mom you look sooooo pretty!" I think it could just be because it's the closest thing to a dress he has ever seen, or will, see me in! However, it still makes me stand a little taller when I walk into my bedroom to get dressed! Did I mention I love my kids?

What really matters?

I wasn't planning on blogging tonight but it was a very frustrating evening for me. I thought maybe some of you might have been going through the same things so here I am. Blogging. When I really should be on the treadmill. Or in bed. Or cleaning my house. Or figuring out a solution to world peace.

The last few weeks have building up on me. I haven't ever been able to do laundry to the point there are no more in the laundry closet. Oh, yes. I said laundry CLOSET. With 3 kids, towels, bedding, my clothes, and whatever the kids don't want to pick up when I tell them to clean their room I have a whole closet for the dirty laundry. It takes me a whole day to do it because I also have to take kids to school, go to class, do my homework, cook meals, and the fifty million other things I have to do on a normal day. Unfortunately, time does not stop for dirty laundry. I do it at the very least once a week and usually twice. It's not pretty.

Then I have to schedule check up appointments, counseling, wic appointments, time with the casa worker, time with the 'Big Sister'. Oh, and did I mention my boys's visits twice a week with bio parents? On top of this I go to school, work, church, soccer practices, and soccer games. I also need to clean my house somewhere in the middle of all this. Is this situation a unique one? No. Is it something I have been dealing with for a while? Yes. Why then is it getting to me? I will explain.

I have been trying to eat healthier. I would love to lose weight but mostly I just want to feel better. I still have all of my baby weight and then some. My baby is 9. Plus, I just feel that it's time. I can do it. God has equipped me with everything I need to do it. So why aren't I svelte yet? I'm not greedy. I know I will probably always have rolls. I just would like them to be smaller rolls. In response to my determination to get healthy I bought an elliptical. After it was put together I got on it and it wiggled all over the place. The manufacturer had made this support bar too long. I took it back. I bought a treadmill. It didn't work. When it was being loaded to be taken back I noticed a reset button on the bottom. Sure enough, it worked. Yay! Started walking on the treadmill. A few times. Yeah, I'm not very good with routine.

I decided today that I was just going to get on that thing every night at 9pm. Religiously. Nothing stopping me. Even though I had already taken a nap after supper because I was exhausted, even though the bathroom needed cleaned and the kitchen floor needed mopped I was getting on that treadmill! So, I got on the treadmill and it turned on. I set the speed and nothing. The belt wasn't turning at all. I get off the treadmill. I start to get frustrated. This is the second piece of exercise equipment that I will have had to take back! What the french? I mean, here I am, trying to do the right thing and walk in God's destiny for me. I have a close relationship with Him. So why can't a sister get a little protection here! This weight thing has been a long and heartbreaking struggle for me! My mind starts going to all this stuff. I started looking for that receipt, all the while talking to God and crying and asking Him why this bad stuff happens. I never found the receipt.

My daughter came in my room and asked me what was wrong. I said, "You know how sometimes when you don't get what you want you get frustrated? When you think that I'm not paying attention to you or that I love the boys more than you? That you aren't getting what you want when you want? Well, that's how I feel right now. I'm a little angry with God." Her response surprised me. "Well, what do you want that you don't have? You have a cool house with a playground down the street. You have a big bed with pretty blankets. You even have the biggest closet and bedroom. Plus, you still have your big heart that everyone loves. You are a pretty cool Mom. And I know God really loves you just like you loves us. What are you missing?" I had no words to say to that. I told her that I loved her and tucked her into bed.

My kids never cease to amaze me. People have told me that I am a natural mother. That all my kids, biological, foster, nieces, and nephews have been sent to me because God knew he could trust me with their preciousness. That I would love them wholly and passionately. And I do. But I also think that God entrusted me to them. There are times, like tonight, in the midst of my frustration that one of them will say or do something to just stop me in my tracks and make me take stock of what really matters. While being a healthy weight is important, it's not what really matters. Love is what matters.

So I will continue to eat healthy and walk on the treadmill. The house will get cleaned and the laundry will get done, eventually. I would love to be 20 pounds lighter when I leave for my mission trip to Mexico at the end of May. Am I going to be a failure if I weigh the same? Not at all. Because I have what people need. I have so much of it that I can give it away freely. My house may not be clean but there is one awesome thing that just oozes out of it. Love. Thank you God for giving me everything that I need. Thank you for having purpose and a destiny that You designed specifically for me. Thank you for loving me even though I am sometimes an ungrateful child. I love You.

This is the verse that I am keeping close to me right now. Maybe it will speak to you too.
Jeramiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

The pressure is on! Doing this blog was a little easier when just a few of my friends were reading it. Now I understand that a lot of my facebook friends have posted in their status about my blog with a link and a few of their friends have done it as well. I'm kind of amazed that people in California may be reading my rambling words. Hey, I wonder how many people are reading this thing anyway. It sure would be interesting to know!

This morning started out like any other. I pushed the snooze button one too many times, as usual. This morning my daughter insisted on eating a healthy breakfast at home (not too sure how healthy pancakes are). She said her teacher said they have to eat a good breakfast and get lots of sleep because they have their state testing this week. This is my daughters first go round with them. She was kind of nervous and excited to take a test that she can't study for. She was teaching the boys a cheer to cheer for her so she would do well on the tests. I don't know how she gets them do to some of the stuff they do. Oh wait, I do know. I'm a big sister too who bossed around her little brother. Even today, if I get that right tone of voice with my 6 foot 2 brother his feet will unwillingly go to do my bidding. Then he shakes his head and we both laugh. Some things are just ingrained I guess!

I took the kids to school and came home. My youngest played while I fixed and ate my breakfast. I went to put on makeup and he followed me. I went to my bedroom to put on perfume and he followed me. I went to make my lunch for work and he followed me. I went to put my shoes on and he followed me. Here is where it got interesting. Imagine and indignant 2 year old with eyebrows raised saying, "Mom what are you doing?" "I'm putting my shoes on. You need to go get yours on too. We gotta go." "Where are we going?" "I have to go to work." "Again!! You just went yesterday!!" "I realize that. I have to go again." "Why? Why do you have to go?" He was insisting that he was going to work with me. Before I could bat an eyelash he was in full blown fit mode, spread eagle on the floor screaming, "I can't put my shoes on!! I'm a baby!! I'm a baby!!" A big, huge sigh escaped me here. How do I deal with this one? I whipped out my phone and called my sister in law. Then I tell him we are going to work. I am not dropping him off after all. We get to work and she is waiting on us there. He looked so surprised and then in awe. Oh yes, Mama ate her Wheaties this morning. She got one over on her astonished 2 year old son. At least this time. Tomorrow may be a different story completely!

Can I just say here that I love my job? And I do mean that. Not just because my boss, who is also my pastor, reads this blog (Hey Henry!). But mostly because the environment I work in is so positive and uplifting. God is the center of that business and I am truly blessed to be there! It was slow at first so we sat down and were talking. He asked me if I watched the Oscars and I said no. He knows I like movies so he seemed kind of surprised. I said that I haven't watched any of those that were nominated and I don't follow actors or anything. He doesn't either. He asked why I hadn't seen any of the movies. I explained that I am in a season right now where I have to be careful of what I watch and listen to. Now here is where I have to explain something. Everyone is different. What is right and true for me isn't necessarily the right thing for everyone. Okay, moving on.

I don't know how this is for everyone else, but for me the movies I watch and the music I listen to make me think. I love to read and watch movies. I don't really watch that much TV but the radio is usually always on at my house. God speaks to me a lot through music. After I really started walking with Him I had to go through and delete most of the songs on my MP3 player. No one told me to do this. I just started actually listening to the words in those songs. I thought, if I can't listen to these songs with my kids in the room then they are gone. And then it became, if I don't want my kids singing these songs at school, they are gone. I wasn't left with much. What did happen though is I found some truly amazing Christian artists whose songs were uplifting and spoke to me! Now instead of my daughter walking around singing "Holler back girl" she is belting out ,"How He loves us". I don't think I have ever been as proud as when she started singing it in Walmart in a large crowd of people with no shame at all! I stood a little taller that day. That was a really good change for me and my family!

Next came books. I am an avid reader. I love all kinds of books. But mostly I was reading some funny and some romantic books. One day I sat down to start to read a book by one of my favorite authors. It opened up with a sex scene. Some of the things I was reading, including that the man didn't even know the woman's name, disturbed me. Actually, most of it did. I used to enjoy it. I got a lot of my friends hooked on these books. The changes in me were happening at an alarming rate!

In the midst of all these changes I decided on something that was really hard for me. I decided to not have sex until I was married. If I truly know and love God and claim to be walking with Him, I need to do what I know is right. Man! I know what you are thinking! She is a single mom who has been divorced and she gave up dating and sex?! It's true. This is not me lecturing anyone or trying to beat something into people at all. This is just me, sharing my journey with you.

Finally, came the change in movies. After my vow to myself and God I was having a really hard time of it. I mean, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the scenery but I couldn't look at any guy without thinking 'oh baby!' I was praying for God to give me guidance here. I asked Him to take lustful thoughts away from me so I could fulfill my promise to him. It helped. Did it cure me of the lust bug? No. Okay, now to the movie part. I had prebought tickets to go see this romantic movie with some of my girlfriends. We were going to make an evening of it. I couldn't go. Not because anyone told me. I just thought, "Hannah, you are praying for deliverance from thoughts that make you want to chase single men down the street but you are going to sit through 2 hours of those very thoughts you are asking to be delivered from?" Man, oh man. This sucks is what I was thinking at the time. I had to call my friends and tell them I couldn't go. I felt like a petulant child. I was not happy about not being able to go. I remember one of my friends telling me, "Couldn't you have decided this tomorrow, after we watched the movie? We have been looking forward to this for months!" It was pretty hard. This was the last straw. I went home and got all the books, movies and Cd's that I couldn't deal with and put them in a box and out into the storage shed.

I'm not going to lie. I was angry for a while. My thought process was that if I can't listen to and watch and read what I want to then I won't do anything at all. And I didn't for a month or so. I even had the cable shut off. It was pretty boring. One day I went to the library and checked out some Christian fiction. I was pleasantly surprised. I loved them! I started devouring every book I could find. It was really good, and suspenseful, and even some romances! Oh, thank you God!! I didn't have to read about boring stuff with boring people. It was a relief! Next, I asked my pastor, who is also a musician, for some good bands. He told me and I found this whole amazing list of singers that I love. Their music truly moves me and I just love it! I still love movies. I'm just a little more careful about what I watch is all. Does that mean I only watch what my kids can watch? Not 100 percent of the time. They are all under 10. That would get tedious, although I do love me some Veggie tales. Recently at church the topic was Jonah and my friend and I both sang out, "Jonah was a prophet, ooh oooh, but he never really got it, doodley doo!" Funny! I just know for me that I feel like I have to practice what I preach to my kids. You are princes and princesses....you need to always be careful and think about what you do and say. God is watching. So, if I would be mortified for my kids to be listening to, watching, or reading something I generally stay away from it. After all, what's good for the goose if good for the gander right?

Look at that! A whole blog with no mention of bodily functions in it! How many blogs did I say I would not talk about them anyway? Just remember I said try not promise. But I can't let you off the hook without telling you about something funny my kids did today. Before bed, my daughter asked me to check out the outfit she picked out for school tomorrow. It was lots of different colors which is not at all unusual for her. The thing I had to draw the line at was the blue tie dye tights with the pink plaid skirt. I said, "Honey, it's a little much. Why don't you do a solid color skirt and a cute shirt with your tights?" She looked at me with her eyes narrowed. She looked at me from head to foot; out of control curly hair thrown up in bobby pins (it's rainy today), my flowery top, jeans, and boots. She threw herself down on her bed and said dramatically, "Mom, you can't possibly understand my style!" She may have a point there. My girl has a look and personality all her own!

Momzilla

The kids are all asleep and I am up blogging. It has been a long day. I will explain. But first I would like to address something that my friend told me this morning about my last blog. Laughing, she said, "Hannah, did you have to pull out the toilet humor?!" My response to that was, "Jeez, what do you want from me? Poop is a big part of my language. I'm a Mom for crying out loud! I deal with, and hear about, bodily functions on a hourly basis!" So, if that was a little much for some of you out there in blogger land I apologize. I will try to not talk about poop or pee for the next 3 blogs. At least, after this one.

Today, we went to a birthday party in Wichita. I was excited about the party, but I was even more excited about seeing family and hanging out in a town bigger than Great Bend for a few hours. I used to live in a suburb of Wichita until about 3 years ago when I moved here. I do not at all regret the move but I had gotten used to being 15 minutes away from everything. It's not like that here. You smaller town people know what I mean. So, we went to the party and had a blast. We left at about 4pm. The whole evening ahead of us. Now on the long 2 hour car ride over none of the kids fell asleep. That means no nap for my little one. One of the things I almost always do when I go to town is go to a particular book store for awhile. Are you seeing where this is going?

I am talking to the kids on the way to the bookstore (mostly to my 2 year old) and giving them a pep talk. "If you guys can be good in the bookstore for me we can go to a movie in a big movie theatre later. Show me how big you can be! I know you can do it!" And so on and so forth. My daughter I am not so concerned about. We can spend hours in a bookstore and have the best time. My two boys though, I hadn't tried this with. My little one especially, has difficulty in stores. I know this. We have been working on this. It has gotten a lot better since they were placed with me 3 months ago and more often then not we can go to the grocery store with no incident. Do you know what they have in grocery stores that they don't in bookstores? Shopping carts.

We all walk into the book store and I head straight over to the coffee counter and order a white chocolate mocha. While we are waiting for it to finish my daughter heads to the kids section, my son heads to the bathroom and my youngest stays with me. We browse in the clearance section by the coffee counter. Now he is getting excited! He loves books! And this place is even cooler than the library! I get my coffee and and my son from the bathroom and head to the kids section. It is set up with some toys in the middle and lots of kids books around it. I grab a few off the shelf and ask my 6 year old to look through them to make sure he can read it before I buy it. I tell my daughter to look for something she will like. We have 30 minutes before we have to leave for the movie. My youngest and I head over to where the toys are and I browse in the Christian children's section.

Next thing I know, one kid is running around the store acting like he's an Indian, one kid is asking me every 5 seconds "What does this word say? I tried to sound it out but I can't get it." and the other kid is whining because she can't decide what she wants. So much for my relaxing trip to the bookstore. The last straw was when, in the middle of the store (did I mention there were a lot of people there?) my youngest grabs his little bottom and shouts, "Mom, I have to go poop!! I need to go now or it's going to come out!! I HAVE TO GO POOP!!" Needless to say, my stress level skyrocketed! I took him to the bathroom and then headed straight to the checkout. As I was paying for our books my youngest thinks he needs to sit on the display case they have by the register. I grab him and tell him to sit at my feet until we are done. I am smiling apologetically to the cashier. We are ruining her quiet and cool atmosphere. She half smiles back. He is sitting at my feet saying very loudly, "No, no, no, no, no" well, you get the picture.

As we are walking out to the car and I am very frustrated! I tell him he was very naughty and he made me very angry. No, this is making me sound like June Cleaver. I was super mad and he knew it. My voice was raised and I had the 'Mom is gonna blow' look going on. By the time we get to the car he is howling. We are all sitting in the car and over the cries my daughter asks if we are going to the movie still. I told her I needed a minute. I sat there and thought, why am I so angry? Really? I took a 2 year old, with no nap, who has a problem in stores, to a quiet bookstore with no shopping cart and expected him to be good? What was I thinking? He reacted exactly how any other rambunctious little boy would. I am totally overreacting here! My heart was racing and I was madder than I have been in a while!

I sat there and silently prayed. "Lord, these kids do not need an angry Mom. I know that I am overreacting to this situation. I'm not sure how to calm down quickly. Please help me. I want to have fun with them today and make good memories. I don't want them to remember that we had to go home because they were in trouble." The howling had stopped. I told them we were going to the movies and then I prayed out loud, "God, I need You now. I need You to speak peace into this car. I need You to speak obedience into my children. And most of all I need You to fill me with peace so we can have a fun time. Amen." All 3 kids echoed, "Amen".

We went to the movie theatre. All my kids stayed with me the whole time. My youngest started out in my lap and within 5 minutes was asleep and slept through the whole movie. The other two had a great time. We really enjoyed ourselves! After the movie we headed home. My kids wouldn't have that memory if I had let my anger get the best of me. It's okay and sometimes even correct to be angry. But I don't want anger to get the best of me. It's something God is working on in me.

Now it is time for me to head to bed. Tomorrow I get to go to church and then see BCCC's rendition of 'Beauty and the Beast'. All is quiet in the Hannah household. I still have lots of laundry to do and there are a few dishes in the sink but that will all have to wait. My bed isn't calling me anymore, it's yelling at me!

Princess and Poop

I am so glad that my past does not define me! I was having a pretty intense conversation with my niece and I saw myself 10 years ago. When I picked her up today she was pretty hurt and angry. The thing is, I completely understand what she is feeling. We prayed and then she spilled everything that she was going on. I listened to her and talked to her and then prayed with her some more. Then, I told her some things that I had done that were just as destructive. I think that made her feel better. I told her that no one is perfect! But she is worthy of love and forgiveness. Thank God that we all get second chances. And sometimes even third and fourth chances. God is always there, waiting for us to come back to him. He doesn't get angry and not want to talk to us. When we are done doing the things that we think are making us happy, he embraces us again, sighs a big sigh of relief and says, "I love you my child! Are you done now? Let's do it My way." That kind of intense love is hard to comprehend sometimes. At least it is for me.

I think that is what's wrong with women today, especially my generation. I am totally including myself in this! We don't realize that we are royalty! We are daughters of the King of Kings. We deserve to be treated as such. We also need to respect ourselves and represent Him. I want people to know I'm a Christian because of my actions, not just because of the words I say. There comes a point when even the way you present yourself is different. It was for me. My sister told me one day that I had changed. I looked and carried myself differently. When I questioned her about it she said she couldn't explain it, but even people I talked to every day were reacting to me with more respect. She said it seemed that my close relationship with God even affected the way I looked. I said, "So, are you saying my God is showing?" Heehee! But you know it's true! People can see there is something different about you! It's an awesome thing. We cannot even begin to understand the depth of His love for us. But the little bit that I can grasp makes me fairly radiate I suppose!

I didn't always feel it that way. I have been in two abusive relationships. I just didn't feel that there was something out there that was better. I felt that I would rather be with this man that was hurting me physically and emotionally than be alone. I didn't realize then that I wasn't alone. Even on my darkest day, God was with me. Anytime I was scared or hurt I would cry out to Him, but I wasn't walking with Him. I used Him as a backup plan.

It has been almost four years since I was divorced. Yes, I said the dirty word. Divorce. No one wants to experience it. It was very painful, but also very necessary. I dated a little bit after that but then I just decided to concentrate on my daughter. I said I would NEVER get married again. I never wanted anyone to own me like that. Then, I finally answered the door. You see, God had been knocking for most of my life. I just wasn't ready to open it. When I did and started living full on for him, my life changed like you would not believe! I finally felt complete. He has been healing my heart since that time. I have been blessed enough to be around some very strong Christian couples. I know that marriage is not perfect but if you put God first, He can bring you through anything. I am no longer afraid of marriage! Thank you God! One thing hasn't changed though. I still don't date. God is writing my love story. He will reveal it to me when the time is right. I don't want to settle for anything less than what He has in store for me. After all, I am His princess!

Even royalty has to do everyday chores and raise unruly, younger royalty. My princes and princess are pretty entertaining though. This afternoon I walked up to the bathroom and was getting ready to open the door when I hear my youngest saying, "Poop! Come out poop! I am sick of sitting here and waiting for you to come out! If you don't come out on the count of three I am going to leave. One, two, three...........MOM!!" I was trying so hard not to laugh. I opened the door, "What?" He says with the most serious face, "My poop won't listen to me! It won't come out! We always listen when you start counting." Somehow I managed to keep a straight face, "Maybe your poop needs a little more time. Why don't you leave it alone and try later?" "Like when you send me to my room?" "Yes, honey. Just like that. Leave the poop alone and he will come out when he is ready." "Okay." (Seriously, who needs TV?) Then you know what I realized? I was that poop! Well, not literally Lol! God was waiting for me to come out of the dark place I was in so he could bring me to the light and the destiny he has planned for me. Sorry for the toilet humor but maybe it will give you something to think about the next time you are......well, you know! Oh yeah, I totally went there! If anyone reads my blog after this I will be surprised!

From children's ministry to children peeing on dogs

This day was pretty unique! Late last night a friend called me and said she thought we should start a children's ministry on Wednesday nights at our church. You see, our church is fairly new so we don't have one established. She has been telling me for some time now that one of my callings is to children's ministry. I have known for a while that it's very true. I just didn't feel ready or really know how to do anything about it. When she called me last night, something in my spirit said yes! She came into the bookstore today while I was at work and we looked at several posters and a few games that we could do. We were trying to get an idea of what we should be doing. Boy, were my creative juices flowing! I'm really excited about this! We decided that we would go to the church later and check out the room and get an idea of things that was already there.

I picked up my daughter from school and met her at the church. This is the funny part! We walked in that room and saw that the exact posters that we were looking at purchasing were laying on a table ready to be hung up! And that's not even all of it. We pulled some books at the table and started looking at them to see how we could make a fun lesson plan out of it. My daughter was sitting beside me. Now, there was only the three of us there. When we arrived in that room there was nothing in the center table. Cayme got up and went to look at the other table in there and right where she was sitting was this craft book for hand puppets. It was not there before. My friend and I both looked at each other and then looked at Cayme. She said,"Cayme, where did you get that book?" Cayme responded, "I didn't get that book. I never saw it before." My friend and I both looked at each other again and smiled. She said, "This book is cool! Did an angel put it here or what?" I just grinned at her and said, "I think we have the confirmation that we have been looking for. We are definetly supposed to do this!" She agreed with me. So, we talked some more and then prayed for God to be in the middle of this. Man, He is moving and shaking! Ask the Lord to use you and he will!

As I was getting ready to leave the church I get a call from my sister-in-law. "You will never believe what your nephew did!" "Well, you never know with him. What did he do this time?" "We were taking a walk and he peed on a dog." "Excuse me, did you say he peed on a dog?" "Sure did! He came walking up to me grinning and said 'Mom I peed on that dog!' He thought it was hysterical!" Now I just have to say here there are several things I have found myself saying in the last few years that I never thought I would. Here are just a few prime examples: No guns at the dinner table..... Don't run over your brother with that car. Because it's not nice, that's why....Broccoli does not belong in your belly button.....Stuffing things up your nose will not help you smell them better. But this is something I hope I never have to say to my boys....Son, it is not nice to pee on dogs. You never know, my time could come for that but I will keep my fingers crossed it doesn't!

Now it's shower time at the Hannah household. I am sitting at the computer and see my 6 year old outside of the bathroom door. He is sitting on the floor and talking through the closed door to my daughter who is in the shower. "Honey, what are you doing? Why are you talking to her through the door?" "Well, she said we are playing a game and I have to sit right here and wait for her to get done." "Honey, you are not her trained poodle. You don't have to wait for her outside the door." "I don't? Okay then." He goes skipping down the hall. Man, I wished they all listened to me like that. I know they aren't puppies but 'training' and 'raising' do sound a lot alike!

Here we go!!

So, I am bending to peer pressure from my facebook friends and starting a blog. I'm not sure if I'm interesting enough or even if anyone will care to read this but here goes.....

Let's see, you might want to know some things about me I suppose. I am first and foremost a Christian that is trying to walk in God's destiny for me. I have known and loved God all my life but I have only been truly walking with Him for the last year, after I had a tumor removed. It has been an incredible adventure, and I do mean ADVENTURE!! So many awesome things are have happened in the last year that I can't ever, nor would I want to, deny Him. Maybe in another blog I will tell some of my testimony, if anyone wants to hear it.

I am also a single mom to a beautiful 9 year old girl and foster parent to 2 wonderful boys who are 2 and 6. They are so precious to me, even when they are driving me crazy which to be honest is more often than not! Heehee! They keep me busy to say the least. I also have two nephews who are 3 and 5. They are with me a lot of the time. My brother and sister-in-law and I switch of babysitting each others kids. I have them over just to hang too. They usually spend the night at least one night during the weekend. When I can, I like to have my nieces too but they don't live as close. I always have lots of kids with me and I think the people at Walmart must think I am very fertile. Or crazy. Or both.

I was raised in a very small town, and I do mean small. Like 300 people and all of them were related to me. We couldn't get away with anything! I remember once that I was with my little brother (otherwise known as partner in crime) and he shot out the railroad lights on the train tracks. We went home right after that. We lived less than half a mile from the railroad. By the time we got home Mom already knew! Man! Growing up in a small town definitely has it's advantages and disadvantages. Most of the disadvantage was to my backside!

I also have two part time jobs. I work in a restaurant that my pastor runs and I love it! The atmosphere and people I get to be around there make it not feel like work at all! I also work two nights a week with people with developmental disabilities. Another thing I have been doing for awhile is going to school. I am majoring in Medical Coding. I really enjoy school! I have met some awesome teachers and students there.

There is going to be some traveling in my future as well. In two weeks I am going to Colorado to visit my family there and see some awesome historical sights courtesy of my cousin Mark who is also a history buff. At the end of May I am going to Roco Blanca Mission Base in Mexico to do some mission work there for a week. I am super excited about both trips! I am hoping that this will be my first mission trip of many. My prayer has been for God to send me wherever and use me however He deems necessary.

I'm new to this blog thing so bear with me. Maybe I can be a witness to someone, somewhere. If anything I am a true testament that you do not have to be perfect to love God and for Him to use you for his good. God can, and will, use you wherever you are. I think I have rattled on enough for now. Talk to you again soon!