No guilt here!

Colorado here we come! Our bags are all packed. All the kids are excited and nervous but showing it in different ways. My daughter has been following me around everywhere, like a little puppy. My oldest son is dancing around the house and torturing his brother and sister. My youngest son has been acting out. He has been getting mad at everyone and had to be in time out several times for little things he knows he is not supposed to do. This morning at church he wanted me to hold him the whole time. I think he is pretty nervous about going to respite.

My boys are going to respite to someone I know. Actually they are really good friends of mine and she has been a mentor to me as a foster parent. She has been with me pretty much since day 1 in my walk of faith. The boys love them both. But in church this morning my youngest sat in my lap and stared across the room at them. You see, he usually is all over the place and sings and wiggles around. Not this morning. This will be the longest I have ever left them. How do you explain to a 2 year old that even though most people in his life have left and or neglected him, that you will come back for him and love him just the same? Guilt started to over take me. I had to head that off at the pass.

Guilt and my kids have gone hand in hand for as long as I can remember. I have been a single Mom for years, pretty much all my Mommy years. I have come to realize that I have used my kiddos as a crutch to not do things so I wouldn't have to break outside of my box. The first time I started to peek outside that box was when my brother moved to Great Bend and I wanted to move closer to him. That was 2 hours away! It took me 2 months to decide. Then what do you know, I moved and went back to school!! That was a huge step for me. There were more steps to follow. I became a foster parent and I started truly walking with God and everything that that entails.

My biggest step yet will be going to Mexico for a mission trip in a few months with no kids at all! I have never done anything without my kids. Nothing. God is really working on me with this one. I argued with him about it for awhile. I wanted to take my daughter. But, He told me that being a mother is very important. I have to break completely outside of that box and be Hannah, not just Mom, or foster Mom, or Aunt, or sister. He wants to mold me into the woman He created me to be. Otherwise, how will I react when my kids grow up? He has a plan for me outside of motherhood. He does for all of us. Sometimes it's hard to remember that in the middle of all that laundry, dirty diapers, cartoons, little girl tutus and little boy mud pies. But it's true. This is just a season. Not a lifetime. My kids are a huge part of who I am but they do not define me. My God does.

So, those are my parting thoughts for now. I am taking my laptop with me but I don't think I will have access to the Internet. I will be way up in the mountains. Beautiful! Sitting here looking at the luggage I feel sorry for my poor bachelor cousin. He is going to think we moved in! Have a great Spring Break everybody!