This really has been 'one of those days'. I ran the gambit of emotions today; frustrated, angry, broken, sad, confused, torn, spent, and peaceful. It wasn't all at once though, thank goodness! I might explode if I felt all that at the same time. It all started yesterday.....
I had a lot of fun Friday night but I came home to the same problems. Dirty dishes, laundry, homework, and grumpy kids were all clamoring for my attention. I really needed to recharge but how could I possibly do that with all this stuff in my face and running through my head? I ignored the warning signs that I needed to slow down. Instead, I kept running in circles. Are you seeing where this is heading yet?
My daughter had a soccer game yesterday. I put on my soccer Mom pin with my daughter's picture on it and we were off. These girls that my daughters team was playing were rough! She got pushed down twice and kicked once. They were just plain mean! Of course my daughter's team got crushed. I was standing by one of her teammate's Dads when they came running out of the gym. Her little friend was in tears. Come to find out, one of the girls from the other team had called her a loser. Can you believe that! These are 3rd graders! This is how my thought process went....How dare they mess with these girls like that. This is absolutely ridiculous! Pushing down my baby girl! She is tiny compared to these other girls. This is why I don't watch professional competitive sports. It's just a freaking game people! It should be fun, not life and death. I ought to take that girl over my knee, or at the very least give her mother a piece of my mind!
We left there and went home. This point is where my kids started bickering. In the car of all places. My 6 year old son was laughing at something that was on the radio, but my daughter got it into her head that he was finding amusement in the bruises she received in the game. I was trying to talk on the phone and vent to my brother about the absurdity of the game. (One of my biggest pet peeves is people talking and being loud while I am on the phone.) My 2 year old son was feeding off of us all and singing the ABC's at the top of his lungs. Doesn't this paint a pretty picture of family bliss?
We got home and I sent everyone to their rooms to cool off. My mood was getting worse and worse. I kept thinking about everything I needed to do and wasn't doing. And I kept thinking about how bad I wanted to move to a different, bigger house. Maybe even a house that's big enough for all the kids to have their own rooms and a playroom.Then, in the backyard would be a little house for me to live in. Just joking! Calm down! I can have my little pink and purple dreams can't I? My little duplex is pretty small, but when we are all in foul moods it gets even smaller.
After our quiet time we decided to put in a movie and watch it. It was my youngest son's turn to choose and wouldn't you know he picked a Barbie movie? Oh, I hear a nap calling me! I turned on the TV and laid down on the couch. I had just closed eyes when my nephews came over and asked to spend the night. 5 little, eager, shining faces promised me everything but their firstborn children if I would let them have a sleepover. How can I possibly say no to that? I love my nephews to pieces! The cool thing about my brother and sister-in-law living so close, is that we pretty much raise our kids together. Needless to say, my 3 year old and 5 year old nephews joined the ranks last night.
We had a wholesome dinner of macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. The kids played hard. At 9pm it was time to change into pajamas and put in a movie. They all got their blankets and pillows and got into position on the living room floor. Before I put in the movie, I explained to them that I was getting on the treadmill and if I had to stop it to come in and referee, they were all going to bed. 5 little heads nodded and said they would be very quiet and watch the movie. I gave them the big mama look just to make sure they knew that I meant business. I went in my room and spent 45 minutes huffing and puffing. Miraculously, I didn't get interrupted at all. I felt really good when I got off. Like I had accomplished something. In fact, I felt so good that I did another load of laundry. My oldest nephew was still up and talked me into letting him sleep with me. He put on a movie in my room, I set the sleep timer and went to sleep.
About an hour later, my daughter crawled in between my nephew and I. We were both too tired to protest, so he allowed her to shove him aside and crawl under the covers. Next thing you know, there is a bump in the night. It's my nephew, hitting the floor after my daughter wiggled him right off the bed. He didn't even cry. I got out of bed and put him on the couch. I told him he would be safer there. He agreed and went right back to sleep.
I woke up to hungry kids and complaints of, "Cereal again! You usually make pancakes Sunday morning!" I explained to them that we didn't have time for pancakes and I hadn't gone to the grocery store lately to purchase what I needed to make it. Even though I was trying to be patient, I was snapping at them. I called my sister in law and she agreed to take the kids after church so I could have a few hours to myself. So, I took a deep breath and ordered everyone into the car for church.
During praise and worship, I found myself being torn. I can't hold, cuddle with, talk to, or sit by any of the kids (including my nephews) without someone getting jealous. I usually find it a little amusing, but this morning I was not in the mood. How can one person be split 5 ways to give each child what they need and still reserve something to keep themselves sane? This is not anything I usually struggle with. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a kid person. I have what I like to call "Big Mama Syndrome". Any children who happen to be around me get pulled into my brood. Kids are drawn to me. I love it! I always wanted a big family but God had other plans. I only have one biological child. I think that this is why some people get confused on how many kids I really have. I was singing and trying to get into the worship of it. I couldn't focus. I just prayed for God to take this uneasiness away. I told him I was giving all my worry to Him; my children, the safety of my home, my finances, my loneliness. I wasn't holding a thing back. I just needed Him to comfort me. Please God! Comfort me! Your beloved is crying out to You!
At this point, my youngest son pushed my youngest nephew and they both bumped into me. I separated them and pulled my son on the other side of me. He started crying like I had broken his little heart. I picked him up and rubbed his back. I told him that I loved him. I told him it was okay, just to relax. I understood how frustrated he was. As much as he loves them, my nephews were taking up some of his space. Then it hit me, this is how I am feeling. The same way I am comforting and cuddling my son, is the same thing that my Father wants to do for me. He loves me beyond anything I can understand. I just needed to slow down long enough for Him to do it.
After the church service, I cried in the car. I met my sister in law at her house and went home. I didn't turn on the TV, radio, or computer. I really wanted to cheat on my diet. I didn't though. I go through phases like that. It really is self-destructive. I have a bad day when I can't live up to the super Mom that I feel everyone expects me to be. I am pretty sure I'm not the only one who has problems with that. I say that I live my life for God, but then I take everything on my shoulders instead of placing it where it belongs. Jesus didn't die for me and offer me eternal life to watch me struggle through things. He wants all of me. Even the little stuff that bothers me. Yes, He is almighty. However, that doesn't mean that He is too big to handle the small, everyday junk. Even God rested on the seventh day. Why can't I? I need to learn to ask for help when I know I need it. I also need to learn to accept help when it is offered.
In the middle of my crying out to Him, I fell asleep. I felt much better when I woke up. I went and picked up my kids. We played outside and I got my homework done while they watched part of a movie. It's one of our favorites. We can all recite almost all the lines..."Good afternoon. My name is Russell. I am a Wilderness Explorer."...."Squirrel!!" I read a story to them, they had their baths and all went to bed happy and exhausted. I got on the treadmill and am now blogging. There is an unmistakable peace in my home right now. There is great strength in my weakness. When I am at my worst is when God is at His best because that's when I let Him take over. Someday soon, I am going to get to the point where I don't have to be in melt down mode to receive that revelation.
Father, give me the strength to realize that I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to. I need to learn to take time out and seek Your face at all times, not just in times of stress. Thank you for loving me and blessing me with these children, who teach me about Your love everyday. Give me the grace to raise them how You want them to be raised. Help me to be the mother that You created me to be. Let me love them like You do, Lord.
This is the Bible verse that I am hiding in my heart today. Matthew 11:28-30
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