Whew, what a day! It was definitely a Monday. Not one particular thing happened to make it bad, I was just thinking more than I should today. Sometimes I let myself worry about things I shouldn't, things that are really beyond my control.
It's funny how when changes crop up in my life lately, I feel just a little lost, unsure of myself. When something really funny happens, or something that the girls do or say that's silly, or when I have a bad day, I would call my parents to talk to them and tell them about it. Even if you aren't close to your Mom or Dad like that there is someone in your life that can tell just by the sound of your voice how your day has gone and if something is wrong, am I right? Who do you talk to when those people are gone?
I have lots of friends that are more like family and some really incredible family too. All those people are very supportive and I know they love me very much. But it's just not the same. That longing is still there. I know I can talk to any one of those people, and I have. There is still that hole though. The person I REALLY want to talk to can't talk back to me anymore. I realized tonight how much that really has been bothering me, and how big of a problem it has become.
It has not been easy, the last few years. After Mom died I realized how short life is. I realized that I need to tell the people I care about I love them and to not hold grudges. I had to grow up really quickly. I had to figure out cooking measurements on my own, I couldn't call her to tell me. I had to figure out how to can all those stupid tomatoes that I planted by myself. It was then that it hit me just how much I had relied on my Mom for things.
Fast forward almost 5 years to the day, and my Dad went to join her in heaven. When my brother told me I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Just like that, I had become an orphan. I was no one's little girl anymore. I had to be strong now. Even though I was full-grown I felt like I was 5 years old. Who would take care of me now. I was lost, without roots.
It has been 4 months since then and it gets easier everyday. Tonight, though, I think I had a revelation, which is why I am writing this now. My past does not define me. People do not define me. People are human and humans fail. They will not mean to, but people will hurt you and let you down. That is life. My parents were not perfect. After they were gone, it was easier to remember the good things but there were plenty of bad. It's not fair to put any loved one on that pedestal. That hole cannot be filled by talking to someone or having someone give me advice. It cannot be filled by my children, or friends, or anyone I care about. No person can make me in a bad mood or change my positive day into a negative one. That power is completely in my hands.
I cannot define myself by any person. I can only define myself in my Heavenly Father. It is unfair of me to think that if Mom and Dad were here everything would be okay. If I had some alone time, or more money, or a clean house, or the most well-behaved kids in the world I would still be unhappy and unfulfilled if I did not have Jesus.
I have been too long going around like the walking wounded. I am whole, I am complete. I am blessed. I am loved. Someone loved me so much that He died for me. He was completely blameless and He took my shame upon Himself. And then, when the very people he served and loved spit on Him and beat Him for my sin, do you know what He did? He prayed for them. He asked God to forgive the very people that were killing Him. What kind of man is this? What kind of love is this?
I am not an orphan. I am not alone. Even when you see me walking by myself down the hallways of the schools I work in, there is someone there with me. He is walking in front of me, shielding me from anything that comes my way. Anything that gets to me has to go through Him first. He is my protector, my redeemer, my savior, and the lover of my soul.
Thank you Lord that I am complete in you! Thank you for reminding me that I am loved beyond measure. Thank you for pulling me into your embrace and taking my cares away. I know you were waiting all the time for me to give my worries to you. I am sorry it took so long for me to remember that you want the good, bad, and the ugly. I need you to put things in perspective for me when I have another day of feeling that orphan mentality. I am not powerless, I am powerful in You!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Endings and Beginnings
Hello there blogger readers (if I have any left after my super long absense that is!) Wow, so much has happened I am not even sure where to begin....
A lot has happened since I last blogged. I still have the little girl I had before. She is now 2 and a half years old. Let me tell you, she is very much two! Haha! Good thing I still love her! I also have a 7 month old foster baby. She is an absolute doll! Funny thing is she looks almost exactly like my daughter did at that age! Oh, and my spicy redhead is now 10 years old and in the 5th grade. I cannot believe it! This is her first year of going to Christian school and she is thriving!
The real reason why I was prompted to start writing this blog again is that it is theraputic for me. There has been a lot of things happen that have been hard to deal with. At the top of the list would have to be the death of my Dad.
I was sitting in the Dr.'s office with a PPC (Police Protective Custody) kids when I got the phone call from my brother. His voice was shaking and he kept asking me if I was alone and if I had to work that day. In true big sister fashion I finally just yelled, "Hey would you just spit it out?! What's going on?!" Dad was killed instantly in a head on motorcycle accident. It was like the world just stopped.
You see, Dad was my only parent left. My Mom died 5 years ago. I was now an orphan. I immediately started crying and praying. I'm not entirely sure how I got from the Dr.'s office to my brothers house. I went home and packed a bag and we left for Wellington, where my Dad was living.
All the way there my brother and I wafted between crying and laughing. See, the good thing about our relationship is that we are super close and have been through so much that we can practically read each other's minds. I was so glad that we had each other. We met my sister there. It was so surreal.
My Dad died on June 7, 2011. My Mom died on June 14, 2006. Crazy huh? All I know, is that God was very much there for us during this time. There is no way I could have made it through without relying on His grace and mercy. There was a couple at the scene of Dad's accident that were spirit-filled Christians and they laid hands on him and prayed him home. That just doesn't happen! The Lord is faithful.
Since Dad's passing, it feels like I am grieving Mom all over again. It's getting easier. The last few days have been tough though.
I thought that a good way to start this process back up again would be to post what I wrote and read at Dad's funeral. He was an amazing man, and I miss him terribley....
This is something I never thought I would be doing. As a child, you think your parents are invincible. When you are an adult, you usually learn different. Even though Mom passed, I still never processed that sometime Dad would go too. He was always there. I just took for granted that he always would be.
Yesterday I was going through pictures. Dad was in most of them when we were growing up, but not how you would think. He was usually in the background of pictures of us kids with a huge grin on his face. He was either holding us, or watching us, or cheering us on. He was perfectly content to let us be the center of attention. It was the same for later pictures with the grandkids. In most of them, he was holding one or more of them.
Dad was an incredible father. He was the kind of man that believed that actions spoke louder than words. Because of this, he didn’t say a whole lot. I asked him once why he didn’t talk more when we went places. He said that he never understood why people talked so much. He said, “The way I figure it, they must talk just to hear their own voice. If I take the time to say something I want to make sure that it means something.” And that’s just what he did. He was a man of few words, but when he spoke, we listened. Well, for the most part anyway.
There is not one single thing of significance in my life that I cannot remember him being there. He was at every concert, graduation, family reunion, and ball game. He was there when the grandkids were born. He was excited about each and every one. When I had my daughter he was there too. I went to a doctor’s appointment and they sent me over to the hospital right then. They checked me in and started preparing the surgery for my c-section. Dad was the first call I made, after my daughter's Dad of course. He was at work about 2 miles away. Within 10 minutes he was settled in the chair in my room with a hot rod and motorcycle magazine, and a fashion one for me. I still can’t figure out how he got there that fast. He didn’t say too much other than hello. He squeezed my hand and then sat beside my bed. I made the call and he was there.
When I called him to tell him that I wanted to start taking classes to do foster care we talked about it a lot. He and Mom had done that for a few years when we were kids. He was hesitant on my behalf because he knew that it is a difficult road at times. Once I made up my mind to do it he completely supported me. Every child I brought into my home, Dad accepted them as his own. He never played favorites with his kids or grandkids. We were all the same in his eyes and that extended to them too. He always asked how they were doing and grieved with me when they left.
When my brother and his wife first starting dating, Mom and Dad were just estatic! She had a 3 month old boy. The first grandson! As soon as they met, it didn’t matter if they were ever going to get married or not, her son was theirs. My brother said that Dad’s example is what taught him what a real father should be. It has very little to do with DNA.
It still doesn’t seem real that he is gone. I know that we are burying his body. I saw it with my own 2 eyes earlier today. But that’s not him lying there. I know that Dad would say that we shouldn’t be sad for him. He’s up in heaven looking down on us all with love. He’s still watching us, just like he always did. We just can’t see him anymore.
My Dad was not a perfect man, he never claimed to be. He just tried to do the best he could with everything he had. Dad was a simple man and he led a simple life. But it was a very good life. He will be missed beyond belief.
Anyway, that's it. I know what the enemy had intended for bad that God can use for His good. This whole Summer has been a testimony to his goodness and glory. I have no idea how I could have gotten through without it. Especially when we were planning the funeral and around people I hadn't seen in years, I just kept thinking, "Okay, I can do this a little longer and then I can go home and get down on my knees and be comforted." Now, the struggle is to not have an orphan mentality. I know that my parents aren't here physically but they are looking down on me with love, just like my Heavenly Father.
A lot has happened since I last blogged. I still have the little girl I had before. She is now 2 and a half years old. Let me tell you, she is very much two! Haha! Good thing I still love her! I also have a 7 month old foster baby. She is an absolute doll! Funny thing is she looks almost exactly like my daughter did at that age! Oh, and my spicy redhead is now 10 years old and in the 5th grade. I cannot believe it! This is her first year of going to Christian school and she is thriving!
The real reason why I was prompted to start writing this blog again is that it is theraputic for me. There has been a lot of things happen that have been hard to deal with. At the top of the list would have to be the death of my Dad.
I was sitting in the Dr.'s office with a PPC (Police Protective Custody) kids when I got the phone call from my brother. His voice was shaking and he kept asking me if I was alone and if I had to work that day. In true big sister fashion I finally just yelled, "Hey would you just spit it out?! What's going on?!" Dad was killed instantly in a head on motorcycle accident. It was like the world just stopped.
You see, Dad was my only parent left. My Mom died 5 years ago. I was now an orphan. I immediately started crying and praying. I'm not entirely sure how I got from the Dr.'s office to my brothers house. I went home and packed a bag and we left for Wellington, where my Dad was living.
All the way there my brother and I wafted between crying and laughing. See, the good thing about our relationship is that we are super close and have been through so much that we can practically read each other's minds. I was so glad that we had each other. We met my sister there. It was so surreal.
My Dad died on June 7, 2011. My Mom died on June 14, 2006. Crazy huh? All I know, is that God was very much there for us during this time. There is no way I could have made it through without relying on His grace and mercy. There was a couple at the scene of Dad's accident that were spirit-filled Christians and they laid hands on him and prayed him home. That just doesn't happen! The Lord is faithful.
Since Dad's passing, it feels like I am grieving Mom all over again. It's getting easier. The last few days have been tough though.
I thought that a good way to start this process back up again would be to post what I wrote and read at Dad's funeral. He was an amazing man, and I miss him terribley....
This is something I never thought I would be doing. As a child, you think your parents are invincible. When you are an adult, you usually learn different. Even though Mom passed, I still never processed that sometime Dad would go too. He was always there. I just took for granted that he always would be.
Yesterday I was going through pictures. Dad was in most of them when we were growing up, but not how you would think. He was usually in the background of pictures of us kids with a huge grin on his face. He was either holding us, or watching us, or cheering us on. He was perfectly content to let us be the center of attention. It was the same for later pictures with the grandkids. In most of them, he was holding one or more of them.
Dad was an incredible father. He was the kind of man that believed that actions spoke louder than words. Because of this, he didn’t say a whole lot. I asked him once why he didn’t talk more when we went places. He said that he never understood why people talked so much. He said, “The way I figure it, they must talk just to hear their own voice. If I take the time to say something I want to make sure that it means something.” And that’s just what he did. He was a man of few words, but when he spoke, we listened. Well, for the most part anyway.
There is not one single thing of significance in my life that I cannot remember him being there. He was at every concert, graduation, family reunion, and ball game. He was there when the grandkids were born. He was excited about each and every one. When I had my daughter he was there too. I went to a doctor’s appointment and they sent me over to the hospital right then. They checked me in and started preparing the surgery for my c-section. Dad was the first call I made, after my daughter's Dad of course. He was at work about 2 miles away. Within 10 minutes he was settled in the chair in my room with a hot rod and motorcycle magazine, and a fashion one for me. I still can’t figure out how he got there that fast. He didn’t say too much other than hello. He squeezed my hand and then sat beside my bed. I made the call and he was there.
When I called him to tell him that I wanted to start taking classes to do foster care we talked about it a lot. He and Mom had done that for a few years when we were kids. He was hesitant on my behalf because he knew that it is a difficult road at times. Once I made up my mind to do it he completely supported me. Every child I brought into my home, Dad accepted them as his own. He never played favorites with his kids or grandkids. We were all the same in his eyes and that extended to them too. He always asked how they were doing and grieved with me when they left.
When my brother and his wife first starting dating, Mom and Dad were just estatic! She had a 3 month old boy. The first grandson! As soon as they met, it didn’t matter if they were ever going to get married or not, her son was theirs. My brother said that Dad’s example is what taught him what a real father should be. It has very little to do with DNA.
It still doesn’t seem real that he is gone. I know that we are burying his body. I saw it with my own 2 eyes earlier today. But that’s not him lying there. I know that Dad would say that we shouldn’t be sad for him. He’s up in heaven looking down on us all with love. He’s still watching us, just like he always did. We just can’t see him anymore.
My Dad was not a perfect man, he never claimed to be. He just tried to do the best he could with everything he had. Dad was a simple man and he led a simple life. But it was a very good life. He will be missed beyond belief.
Anyway, that's it. I know what the enemy had intended for bad that God can use for His good. This whole Summer has been a testimony to his goodness and glory. I have no idea how I could have gotten through without it. Especially when we were planning the funeral and around people I hadn't seen in years, I just kept thinking, "Okay, I can do this a little longer and then I can go home and get down on my knees and be comforted." Now, the struggle is to not have an orphan mentality. I know that my parents aren't here physically but they are looking down on me with love, just like my Heavenly Father.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Endings and Beginnings
First of all, I have to apologize. I had no plans for it to be so long between blogs. The last few months have been pretty crazy. I finally got done with my end of semester tests. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I really push I will be graduating this time next year! Yahoo! I never thought I could do it, but here I am. Soon to be a college graduate! Who cares if I will be 29 when I graduate, at least I AM graduating.
Today was a stressful and amazing day all rolled into one. 3 of my 4 foster kids had court today. My boys are going home to their Mama. If you would have asked me a year ago if they would ever go home I would have said, "No way!" But, here we are. Absolutely amazing! My little foster girl, 20 months old, they are still working towards getting her back in the home. I still don't know what to think about that.
I have been going through the boys' things and packing them up. They are already at their Moms house so I was doing it alone. I was remembering all the things we have been through together, good and bad. I am so happy for them, but sad for me. I will miss them like nobody's business! A great thing that has come out of this has been my friendship with their mother. I have become a support for her and will continue to be a part of their lives. You have no idea how relieved that makes me feel. We were laughing about how much we used to not like each other. Now we are good
friends. Another miraculous thing. God really is incredible!
While I was packing for them, I was also thinking about the baby. I have had her since June and we are all so attached. My daughter and her are like peas and carrots. There never was any transition period with her. From day one it was just like I had given birth to her and that she had always been sisters with my daughter. I kind of took that as a sign that she was a gift from God specifically to complete my little family. That she would be the one that I would adopt. I never planned on my daughter being an only child, it just happened that way. Doing foster care has been a way for her to grow up with other children. I really felt that this baby is one that God was going to let us keep. At court today, I found out that may not be the case. My heart jumped into my throat. I remember thinking, "What? This is my baby! I don't care if you gave birth to her, she's mine! Can't you see that she belongs with us?" I have been praying about it ever since.
You see, doing foster care is something I am good at. I am good at loving on kids and giving them a sense of security. My daughter is really good at being a loving, kind, and sometimes annoying sister. I don't know how to love at arms length and I treat all my kids the same, much to the dismay of my daughter. But, it is very difficult for me as well. I get so attached. I just can't help it. That is my greatest strength, and also my greatest weakness.
I remember earlier this Spring I was at the same point with the boys that I am with the baby. I was just ready for the courts to sever their parents rights and let me adopt them. In my eyes, it was only a matter of time. I had had them in my home for about 6 months then too. There came a point when they might have to leave my home because of a daycare issue (the licensing agency didn't want to pay for them to be in daycare while I was in work and school both). I called a really great friend of mine who happens to also be a foster parent and told her my delima. I was frustrated. I remember her telling me, "Honey, do you think that this is God's way of checking you on the boys? They are not your kids. I know you want to adopt them, but do you think that is God's plan?"
That really made me think. I wasn't being a very good Christian. There was a lady who wanted her kids back and I wanted them for myself. I wasn't doing anything to sabotage that process, but I wasn't helping either. That is when I realized that is not the kind of foster parent I wanted to be. I am no better than anyone else on this world. I may be skilled at different things, but who gave me those skills in the first place? I know that He didn't give me those things to keep to myself. He gave them to me to give my love, time, and skills freely. That's when I started praying for their mother and asking guidance to see what I could do to help. And, here we are.
As I was thinking of all of that, I started to compare that situation with the baby. She is not my daughter. Her mother has been in and out of foster homes throughout her whole childhood. In fact, she aged out of the system. How can someone who has never been mothered mother anyone herself? Is this God's role for me? To love and take care of this baby during her time of need and teach her mother how to take care of her? It very well may be.
It is not an easy thing to pour all your time and energy into children that you know you won't get to see graduate middle school, college, or get married. For some, I stay in contact with but others choose to not have anything to do with their foster parents. It's just to painful for them to deal with, they would rather forget. I can understand that.
I remember telling myself a few months ago that if the baby ended up going back to her parents, I wouldn't be able to handle it. That would have to be the last straw. I would probably stop doing foster care. Knowing that these kids will be pulled out of my home eventually rips my heart out. It's a lot to ask of any person.
Then, it was like cold water got splashed on my face. I remember a 2 years ago, when God pulled me through having my tumor removed I told Him I would do anything that He asked of me. I know that I am supposed to be doing foster care right now just as well as I know the back of my precious daughters head. How can I deny Him? He loves me. And not just the 'I would take a bullet for you' kind of love. He was ridiculed, beaten, tortured, and hung on a cross for all the world to see. It wasn't His shame on display, it was mine.
I burst into tears! How could I be so selfish?! The ending of my time with these kids is the beginning of a new life for them. If I can make a difference, I will. No matter what the cost to me, I will do what my God asks of me. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. I know that He has a specific plan for me. Besides, how many people can say they have 6 children that they didn't give birth to? My daughter is so blessed to be an only child by birth but have a houseful of brothers and sisters. Every child that comes into my home is one of my kiddos, even after they move. I will continue to pray for them and love them, even if I never get to see them again. Lord, thank you for making me a mother to many. Please, make me into the kind of parent that you want me to be. Teach me how to raise them in your ways, Lord. Make me worthy of your trust. Amen.
Today was a stressful and amazing day all rolled into one. 3 of my 4 foster kids had court today. My boys are going home to their Mama. If you would have asked me a year ago if they would ever go home I would have said, "No way!" But, here we are. Absolutely amazing! My little foster girl, 20 months old, they are still working towards getting her back in the home. I still don't know what to think about that.
I have been going through the boys' things and packing them up. They are already at their Moms house so I was doing it alone. I was remembering all the things we have been through together, good and bad. I am so happy for them, but sad for me. I will miss them like nobody's business! A great thing that has come out of this has been my friendship with their mother. I have become a support for her and will continue to be a part of their lives. You have no idea how relieved that makes me feel. We were laughing about how much we used to not like each other. Now we are good
friends. Another miraculous thing. God really is incredible!
While I was packing for them, I was also thinking about the baby. I have had her since June and we are all so attached. My daughter and her are like peas and carrots. There never was any transition period with her. From day one it was just like I had given birth to her and that she had always been sisters with my daughter. I kind of took that as a sign that she was a gift from God specifically to complete my little family. That she would be the one that I would adopt. I never planned on my daughter being an only child, it just happened that way. Doing foster care has been a way for her to grow up with other children. I really felt that this baby is one that God was going to let us keep. At court today, I found out that may not be the case. My heart jumped into my throat. I remember thinking, "What? This is my baby! I don't care if you gave birth to her, she's mine! Can't you see that she belongs with us?" I have been praying about it ever since.
You see, doing foster care is something I am good at. I am good at loving on kids and giving them a sense of security. My daughter is really good at being a loving, kind, and sometimes annoying sister. I don't know how to love at arms length and I treat all my kids the same, much to the dismay of my daughter. But, it is very difficult for me as well. I get so attached. I just can't help it. That is my greatest strength, and also my greatest weakness.
I remember earlier this Spring I was at the same point with the boys that I am with the baby. I was just ready for the courts to sever their parents rights and let me adopt them. In my eyes, it was only a matter of time. I had had them in my home for about 6 months then too. There came a point when they might have to leave my home because of a daycare issue (the licensing agency didn't want to pay for them to be in daycare while I was in work and school both). I called a really great friend of mine who happens to also be a foster parent and told her my delima. I was frustrated. I remember her telling me, "Honey, do you think that this is God's way of checking you on the boys? They are not your kids. I know you want to adopt them, but do you think that is God's plan?"
That really made me think. I wasn't being a very good Christian. There was a lady who wanted her kids back and I wanted them for myself. I wasn't doing anything to sabotage that process, but I wasn't helping either. That is when I realized that is not the kind of foster parent I wanted to be. I am no better than anyone else on this world. I may be skilled at different things, but who gave me those skills in the first place? I know that He didn't give me those things to keep to myself. He gave them to me to give my love, time, and skills freely. That's when I started praying for their mother and asking guidance to see what I could do to help. And, here we are.
As I was thinking of all of that, I started to compare that situation with the baby. She is not my daughter. Her mother has been in and out of foster homes throughout her whole childhood. In fact, she aged out of the system. How can someone who has never been mothered mother anyone herself? Is this God's role for me? To love and take care of this baby during her time of need and teach her mother how to take care of her? It very well may be.
It is not an easy thing to pour all your time and energy into children that you know you won't get to see graduate middle school, college, or get married. For some, I stay in contact with but others choose to not have anything to do with their foster parents. It's just to painful for them to deal with, they would rather forget. I can understand that.
I remember telling myself a few months ago that if the baby ended up going back to her parents, I wouldn't be able to handle it. That would have to be the last straw. I would probably stop doing foster care. Knowing that these kids will be pulled out of my home eventually rips my heart out. It's a lot to ask of any person.
Then, it was like cold water got splashed on my face. I remember a 2 years ago, when God pulled me through having my tumor removed I told Him I would do anything that He asked of me. I know that I am supposed to be doing foster care right now just as well as I know the back of my precious daughters head. How can I deny Him? He loves me. And not just the 'I would take a bullet for you' kind of love. He was ridiculed, beaten, tortured, and hung on a cross for all the world to see. It wasn't His shame on display, it was mine.
I burst into tears! How could I be so selfish?! The ending of my time with these kids is the beginning of a new life for them. If I can make a difference, I will. No matter what the cost to me, I will do what my God asks of me. Not because I have to, but because I choose to. I know that He has a specific plan for me. Besides, how many people can say they have 6 children that they didn't give birth to? My daughter is so blessed to be an only child by birth but have a houseful of brothers and sisters. Every child that comes into my home is one of my kiddos, even after they move. I will continue to pray for them and love them, even if I never get to see them again. Lord, thank you for making me a mother to many. Please, make me into the kind of parent that you want me to be. Teach me how to raise them in your ways, Lord. Make me worthy of your trust. Amen.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The Final Say
Hey y'all! I'm back! I know, I psyched you out there. You probably thought it would be another 3 months until I posted but here I am. I'm not going to lie to you...the last few months have been so busy and stressful that I have not really taken the time to sit back and realize just how blessed I really am. I was reminded of that this morning.
At church my pastor asked if anyone had a testimony of God's faithfulness and I found myself unknowingly raising my hand and words just spilling out of my mouth. Have you ever had this happen to you? It does to me every now and then and I love it when it does happen. I usually learn something that I didn't know before, or I did know it but didn't recognize it.
I said, "I had lots of problems having children. I have had three miscarriages, two before my daughter was born and one after her. It was a very painful time for me. I love being a Mom and I love children. I felt cheated because I felt that in a way, I was called to be a mother. I was raised in a very large family and I loved it. After my divorce I just tried to accept the fact that I would only have one child. Well, as you all know I currently have five children in my home." My pastors grinned and said how that truely was a miracle. I realized at that moment that it is a HUGE miracle! The make up of my body could not even determine how many children I get to raise. My God did. Let me give you some background here......
My daughter's father and I met when I was 17 years old. He was my first boyfriend. He was also a smooth talker. About three months later I got pregnant. I quit school and moved out with him into our first apartment. It was an enormously stressful time. We never had enough money and he was a big drinker. I miscarried a week after moving from home. Three months after that I ended up pregnant again only to miscarry two months later. Not even a month after that misscarriage I was pregnant again with my daughter. I was on bed rest almost the whole time. I was very sick most of the day and stayed up most of the night. When I was seven months pregnant her Dad and I got married and moved in with my parents. The first time I saw my beautiful, red-headed little girl, I fell in love. I had never felt this way about anyone. I was a Mom. This little person had been entrusted to my care. I took that responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, her Dad did not. We spent the next two years fighting until I finally left and filed for divorce. There was a lot of things that went down in those years that I will not talk about here. No matter what has happened, he is still her father and I will respect that.
About two years after that I started dating again. It was a crazy time for me. I blogged in the past about my serial dater times and my second husband so I won't go into detail here. I got pregnant again. My daughter was four years old so this would have been five years ago. When I let my husband know he told me he hoped that I would miscarry. He didn't want any more children right then. I knew that the siuation wasn't good and it would just complicate things, but it didn't matter. I still really wanted that baby. I felt it was my last chance to have any more kids.
I was devastated when I miscarried. I didn't get out of bed for about a week. It was actually my daughter who pulled me out of my despair. She crawled in bed with me and put her little hands on my face. She told me that she loved me and snuggled up against me. She said that she loved spending time with me and would I tell her a story? I looked at her precious face and could not tell her no. I said, "Baby, I will do you one better. How about going to a movie? Can you take your Mama on a date?" Her little face lit up. "Mom, that would be so fun! Can I bring my teddy bear? Oh, and can you take a shower? You don't smell like perfume like you usually do." I smiled for the first time in a week. That was the beginning of what we started calling 'Mommy-daughter dates'. We still do it now.
At this point, I decided I would take a break from dating and just focus on my daughter. I did this for a year or two and then decided to make the move to Great Bend and start going back to school full-time. We had been here about eight months when I started taking foster parenting classes. Right before I had completed them all, I found out I had a tumor. I stopped the classes, had surgery and then found out a friend's daughter had been put in foster care and she needed a home. I hurried and finished up what I needed to and got my first foster kid.
And here I am. A woman who had given up on having a large family now has five children. I love and cherish each one of them and as stressful as my days (especially mornings) are, I would not change it for the world. So, God took this broken vessel that could not have any more children and blessed me with five.
Last week I went to pick up my boys from their visit with their Mama when the youngest asked me a question that made me pause. "Hannah, why did you want kids so bad?" I looked at his Mom in puzzlement. She smiled and explained, "We were just reading the Bible story about Hannah." Ah, now I understood. There are a lot of similarities there.
Hannah wanted children more than she wanted air to breathe. She prayed all the time that God would bless her. It wasn't until she promised Him that she would turn the child over to Him to be raised and used in the Lord's work that she became pregnant. She kept her promise even though it was painful and gave the child to the church to be trained in the ways of the Lord. After that, Hannah had many children. I had to start walking with God and committ to raising my kids in a Christian home before I had more kids. And I do.
Any time a child enters my home, I pray and give them over to God. In doing this, it takes a lot of things out of my hands. I knew that doing foster care would be hard for me because I get super attached to kids. But, since God is in control I know that when they leave my home it is because my work is done. I have done whatever He had planned for me to do in their lives and it's time for them to learn from someone else. I was feeling pretty good and thought I had it all figured out until I felt a tug from God again.
He wanted me to turn over my daughter to him too. What? My precious one?! My miracle baby? Is there nothing He doesn't want? Can't I keep one thing for myself? Then I realized, she belongs to Him anyway. God gave her to me for a season to raise, but she belongs to Him. After I was able to do that my daughter's faith started growing even more. It was like there was nothing holding her back anymore. It was incredible to watch. It still is.
So you see, it doens't matter what society, the doctors, or even your own body says. If God wants to bless you with something He will do it. I am a living testament to that. Don't let anyone speak negative words over you. God has the last say and as long as you are still breathing, He is not done with you. He is a restorer. That means different things for all of us. He has a specific plan for each one of us. Don't give up on yourself.....He hasn't.
Thank you Lord for giving me something that I didn't even know to ask for. Thank you for making me a mother to many. Please God, help to me raise Spiritually strong children. Protect them as they go throughout their day. Help me to use Your words to guide them. And most of all, thank you Lord.
At church my pastor asked if anyone had a testimony of God's faithfulness and I found myself unknowingly raising my hand and words just spilling out of my mouth. Have you ever had this happen to you? It does to me every now and then and I love it when it does happen. I usually learn something that I didn't know before, or I did know it but didn't recognize it.
I said, "I had lots of problems having children. I have had three miscarriages, two before my daughter was born and one after her. It was a very painful time for me. I love being a Mom and I love children. I felt cheated because I felt that in a way, I was called to be a mother. I was raised in a very large family and I loved it. After my divorce I just tried to accept the fact that I would only have one child. Well, as you all know I currently have five children in my home." My pastors grinned and said how that truely was a miracle. I realized at that moment that it is a HUGE miracle! The make up of my body could not even determine how many children I get to raise. My God did. Let me give you some background here......
My daughter's father and I met when I was 17 years old. He was my first boyfriend. He was also a smooth talker. About three months later I got pregnant. I quit school and moved out with him into our first apartment. It was an enormously stressful time. We never had enough money and he was a big drinker. I miscarried a week after moving from home. Three months after that I ended up pregnant again only to miscarry two months later. Not even a month after that misscarriage I was pregnant again with my daughter. I was on bed rest almost the whole time. I was very sick most of the day and stayed up most of the night. When I was seven months pregnant her Dad and I got married and moved in with my parents. The first time I saw my beautiful, red-headed little girl, I fell in love. I had never felt this way about anyone. I was a Mom. This little person had been entrusted to my care. I took that responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, her Dad did not. We spent the next two years fighting until I finally left and filed for divorce. There was a lot of things that went down in those years that I will not talk about here. No matter what has happened, he is still her father and I will respect that.
About two years after that I started dating again. It was a crazy time for me. I blogged in the past about my serial dater times and my second husband so I won't go into detail here. I got pregnant again. My daughter was four years old so this would have been five years ago. When I let my husband know he told me he hoped that I would miscarry. He didn't want any more children right then. I knew that the siuation wasn't good and it would just complicate things, but it didn't matter. I still really wanted that baby. I felt it was my last chance to have any more kids.
I was devastated when I miscarried. I didn't get out of bed for about a week. It was actually my daughter who pulled me out of my despair. She crawled in bed with me and put her little hands on my face. She told me that she loved me and snuggled up against me. She said that she loved spending time with me and would I tell her a story? I looked at her precious face and could not tell her no. I said, "Baby, I will do you one better. How about going to a movie? Can you take your Mama on a date?" Her little face lit up. "Mom, that would be so fun! Can I bring my teddy bear? Oh, and can you take a shower? You don't smell like perfume like you usually do." I smiled for the first time in a week. That was the beginning of what we started calling 'Mommy-daughter dates'. We still do it now.
At this point, I decided I would take a break from dating and just focus on my daughter. I did this for a year or two and then decided to make the move to Great Bend and start going back to school full-time. We had been here about eight months when I started taking foster parenting classes. Right before I had completed them all, I found out I had a tumor. I stopped the classes, had surgery and then found out a friend's daughter had been put in foster care and she needed a home. I hurried and finished up what I needed to and got my first foster kid.
And here I am. A woman who had given up on having a large family now has five children. I love and cherish each one of them and as stressful as my days (especially mornings) are, I would not change it for the world. So, God took this broken vessel that could not have any more children and blessed me with five.
Last week I went to pick up my boys from their visit with their Mama when the youngest asked me a question that made me pause. "Hannah, why did you want kids so bad?" I looked at his Mom in puzzlement. She smiled and explained, "We were just reading the Bible story about Hannah." Ah, now I understood. There are a lot of similarities there.
Hannah wanted children more than she wanted air to breathe. She prayed all the time that God would bless her. It wasn't until she promised Him that she would turn the child over to Him to be raised and used in the Lord's work that she became pregnant. She kept her promise even though it was painful and gave the child to the church to be trained in the ways of the Lord. After that, Hannah had many children. I had to start walking with God and committ to raising my kids in a Christian home before I had more kids. And I do.
Any time a child enters my home, I pray and give them over to God. In doing this, it takes a lot of things out of my hands. I knew that doing foster care would be hard for me because I get super attached to kids. But, since God is in control I know that when they leave my home it is because my work is done. I have done whatever He had planned for me to do in their lives and it's time for them to learn from someone else. I was feeling pretty good and thought I had it all figured out until I felt a tug from God again.
He wanted me to turn over my daughter to him too. What? My precious one?! My miracle baby? Is there nothing He doesn't want? Can't I keep one thing for myself? Then I realized, she belongs to Him anyway. God gave her to me for a season to raise, but she belongs to Him. After I was able to do that my daughter's faith started growing even more. It was like there was nothing holding her back anymore. It was incredible to watch. It still is.
So you see, it doens't matter what society, the doctors, or even your own body says. If God wants to bless you with something He will do it. I am a living testament to that. Don't let anyone speak negative words over you. God has the last say and as long as you are still breathing, He is not done with you. He is a restorer. That means different things for all of us. He has a specific plan for each one of us. Don't give up on yourself.....He hasn't.
Thank you Lord for giving me something that I didn't even know to ask for. Thank you for making me a mother to many. Please God, help to me raise Spiritually strong children. Protect them as they go throughout their day. Help me to use Your words to guide them. And most of all, thank you Lord.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Update....
So, a friend that went on the mission trip with me in May pointed out to me that I had not blogged since July. I thought, “Gee, has it really been that long? It doesn’t feel like it.” Sure enough, it has been that long! So much has happened in the last 3 months, I will try to catch you up as best as I can…..
I currently have 5 kids in my home. My own red-headed 9 year old daughter, my 18 month old foster daughter, my 3 and 6 year old foster boys who are brothers and the newest addition is a 15 year old foster daughter. These 5 blessings are just part of the reason for the distraction that has kept me from blogging. You remember that I am also a full-time student, right? Well, classes started up again in August after having taken the summer off. I am taking some doozey classes that are keeping me very preoccupied right now. I am learning a lot, but I think this may be the hardest semester of classes I have taken. The closer I get to graduation, the more intense the classes get. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I take an extra class in the next 2 semesters then I should be done Fall 2011. Whoohoo!
This has been an incredible journey for me, going back to school. I have enjoyed it tremendously but it will be nice to be done. I can’t wait to walk across that stage!
My only regret is that my Mom won’t be there to whoop and holler and let everyone around her know how proud she is. Oh yes, she would make a spectacle of herself when it came to her kids. We all knew, without a shadow of doubt when she was proud. We are a lot alike in that respect. I know that she will be looking down and whooping and hollering from above. I just wish sometimes I could see it. Anyway, enough of that….we all know I miss my Mama dearly. I don’t need to dwell on that.
Another super positive change that has taken place is that my boys are very close to going home. I am so happy about that! Their Mom has made so many positive changes its unreal. She has started going to church with us even! I will be very sad when they go, but their Mom and I have developed a relationship and she has asked if I will stay in both her and the boys’ lives. She said in court that I have been a positive influence on her and the main reason she was able to make the change she has. I almost burst into tears, right there in front of everyone! It has been so awesome to see these things come to pass. The most important thing of all is that she has asked God to come into her life and heart! As hard as it has been at times, this has made it all worthwhile. God, I give you the glory for this miracle! Thank you for letting me be a part and witness to it.
I have also quit one of my part time jobs. Being able to sleep at home every night has been a lot less stressful for the kids and me both. I do miss the clients though. I continue to pray for them. When I quit that job I started working 5 days at the restaurant I work at. I love working there! It is set inside a Christian book store. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am on a budget so I don’t go overboard on all the books and CD’s they have there. Who am I kidding? I have to remind myself daily!
I am sorry to say that there is nothing to report on the romance front. I am still very much single. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I had someone ask me why I don’t date. Well, I don’t have a very good track record. I don’t really trust myself to choose who would be good for me and my children. So, I am letting God choose for me. He knows what’s best and I trust His judgment alone. Plus, I am still waiting for that guy that sees my kids as a huge bonus instead of a mountainous stumbling block. He’s out there somewhere.
All these changes and additional things going on have definitely kept me hopping. I have found myself overwhelmed at times, just today in fact. However, that is going to be material for another blog as I am still processing through that. It would make this one way too long. I am relying on God to see me through all these things.
Something I am declaring here and now, is that I am not letting anyone or anything steal my peace! It is mine to cherish and keep. Stress tends to do that to me. Then I get even more stressed because I don’t like feeling that way. Being exhausted and about to cry at the drop of a hat is not how life is supposed to be. When I started walking with God, He took those things over for me. I used to get overwhelmed at the smallest of things. Of course, I have a lot more going on now than I did then but even so, I refuse to let things get to me and destroy my good mood. After all, if my God is for me than what can be against me? Not one single thing. Thank you Lord for placing importance on even the small things that bother me. I can’t do any of this on my own. I don’t want to even try anymore. I leave it all in Your very capable hands, knowing that You can handle anything. You are God, after all!
I currently have 5 kids in my home. My own red-headed 9 year old daughter, my 18 month old foster daughter, my 3 and 6 year old foster boys who are brothers and the newest addition is a 15 year old foster daughter. These 5 blessings are just part of the reason for the distraction that has kept me from blogging. You remember that I am also a full-time student, right? Well, classes started up again in August after having taken the summer off. I am taking some doozey classes that are keeping me very preoccupied right now. I am learning a lot, but I think this may be the hardest semester of classes I have taken. The closer I get to graduation, the more intense the classes get. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. If I take an extra class in the next 2 semesters then I should be done Fall 2011. Whoohoo!
This has been an incredible journey for me, going back to school. I have enjoyed it tremendously but it will be nice to be done. I can’t wait to walk across that stage!
My only regret is that my Mom won’t be there to whoop and holler and let everyone around her know how proud she is. Oh yes, she would make a spectacle of herself when it came to her kids. We all knew, without a shadow of doubt when she was proud. We are a lot alike in that respect. I know that she will be looking down and whooping and hollering from above. I just wish sometimes I could see it. Anyway, enough of that….we all know I miss my Mama dearly. I don’t need to dwell on that.
Another super positive change that has taken place is that my boys are very close to going home. I am so happy about that! Their Mom has made so many positive changes its unreal. She has started going to church with us even! I will be very sad when they go, but their Mom and I have developed a relationship and she has asked if I will stay in both her and the boys’ lives. She said in court that I have been a positive influence on her and the main reason she was able to make the change she has. I almost burst into tears, right there in front of everyone! It has been so awesome to see these things come to pass. The most important thing of all is that she has asked God to come into her life and heart! As hard as it has been at times, this has made it all worthwhile. God, I give you the glory for this miracle! Thank you for letting me be a part and witness to it.
I have also quit one of my part time jobs. Being able to sleep at home every night has been a lot less stressful for the kids and me both. I do miss the clients though. I continue to pray for them. When I quit that job I started working 5 days at the restaurant I work at. I love working there! It is set inside a Christian book store. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am on a budget so I don’t go overboard on all the books and CD’s they have there. Who am I kidding? I have to remind myself daily!
I am sorry to say that there is nothing to report on the romance front. I am still very much single. I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I had someone ask me why I don’t date. Well, I don’t have a very good track record. I don’t really trust myself to choose who would be good for me and my children. So, I am letting God choose for me. He knows what’s best and I trust His judgment alone. Plus, I am still waiting for that guy that sees my kids as a huge bonus instead of a mountainous stumbling block. He’s out there somewhere.
All these changes and additional things going on have definitely kept me hopping. I have found myself overwhelmed at times, just today in fact. However, that is going to be material for another blog as I am still processing through that. It would make this one way too long. I am relying on God to see me through all these things.
Something I am declaring here and now, is that I am not letting anyone or anything steal my peace! It is mine to cherish and keep. Stress tends to do that to me. Then I get even more stressed because I don’t like feeling that way. Being exhausted and about to cry at the drop of a hat is not how life is supposed to be. When I started walking with God, He took those things over for me. I used to get overwhelmed at the smallest of things. Of course, I have a lot more going on now than I did then but even so, I refuse to let things get to me and destroy my good mood. After all, if my God is for me than what can be against me? Not one single thing. Thank you Lord for placing importance on even the small things that bother me. I can’t do any of this on my own. I don’t want to even try anymore. I leave it all in Your very capable hands, knowing that You can handle anything. You are God, after all!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Possibilites, Prayers, and Distractions
I am in a funk. There is really no other word to describe it. In the last 3 weeks I have had 2 ear infections, a sinus infection, and a nasty flu. My kids have had migraines, fever, flu symptoms, cold symptoms, and the baby had severe diarrhea which always comes with my favorite thing in the world....diaper rash. Doesn't paint a pretty picture I know, but such is my life.
I know this doesn't all fit together now, but bear with me because it will. About maybe 3 weeks ago, there was this new guy at church. During praise and worship, he was getting down for God! He gave his testimony in church after I shared my concern about my grandma's health and asked for prayer (she has been battling cancer now for about 5 years and recently decided to stop taking chemo). He told me that I should be encouraged. Everyone prayed for grandma. After church he came and handed me this card and then walked away. It talked about God always being there and drawing strength from Him in difficult times.
I didn't really think too much of it. I thought he was just being friendly. A friend of mine from church text me and said that this guy seemed like someone who could be my husband. Really? He was good looking and all and I noticed him but it wasn't like an "oh baby" kind of notice. I prayed about it. Cut to about 2 weeks later. A really good friend of mine invited the kids and I to this cookout thing where there were paddle boats, tree houses, go carts, golf carts, and a huge playground. We had the whole area to ourselves. It was so fun! Turned out, the guy was there. Since the kids knew him from church, they were playing with him and he was taking them on go carts and things. I decided to take the baby for a walk in the stroller so him and all the kids went with us. We visited and told each other about our walk with God. During our outing, the boys both fell and scraped up their knees so I played Dr. Mom when we got back. It was sweet.
He made it a point to sit next to me and help me with little things with the kiddos. He asked if I would take his phone number so if I ever needed any help around the house I could call him. I took it down and then said, "Do you want my number too?" He smiled and said, "Yes, can I have it please?" Oh, okay. I finally understood that he was interested. I didn't realize it because he never looked me up and down, tried to touch me, or even said, "Hey baby" which is what I am used to. He was a Godly man trying to politely show interest in a Godly woman. What? This is all new territory to me!
Over the next few days he called and text me. He made clear that he wanted to pursue me. I told him that I needed to pray about it and talk to my pastors, who are also my spiritual mother and father. I explained that I had been through a few bad relationships and felt that the Lord had put my Christian friends in my path for a reason and I was going to utilize their advice. He was completely okay with it. It still was weird for me that it was all completely appropriate! I laid all my cards on the table and even told him that I had made the decision to wait until I was married to have sex. He said he respected me for that and that it wasn't all about sex for him anyway.
Right after this, I got sick. I stayed sick for a more than a week. I text him to let him know that I wasn't ignoring him, I just currently could not talk and breathe at the same time. His response was, "Thank you for thinking of me. God bless." Hmmm.....okay. I was too sick to wonder about it much. After a week of sinus and ear infections, I got the flu. It sucked! There is no other word for it! In the middle of all this, I was praying about it and talked to friends about it. I felt a definite, "No". Not because he was a bad guy or anything, far from it. We are just on different paths right now. I hadn't had a chance to tell the guy yet since I had been so sick. I was kind of dreading it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
I made it to church on that Wednesday night and he was there.....holding hands with another girl. In my church. He never said a word to me. Maybe he didn't know what to say? I don't know for sure. What I do know, is that it was extremely awkward. I go to a very small, very close-knit church. Need I say more? Everyone didn't know that he had made his intentions clear, but enough people did. Yeah, weirdness's. It didn't bother me that he was with someone else. I wasn't in love with the man nor did I have any claim on him. I just felt that it would have been courteous to let me know, "Hey, I met someone and we are dating" or whatever. Not because he owes me anything, but it would be the adult thing to do.
I decided to let it go, besides I didn't really have time to dwell in it since now the kids were sick. I was busy cleaning up puke and diarrhea, dealing with fevers, headaches and nightmares. Needless to say, none of us were sleeping well for a few weeks. I'm happy to report that we are all 100% healthy, other than this lingering cough that I have. I was looking forward to going to church yesterday since we had missed Sunday with the baby being sick. We went and ate supper at McDonald's and were actually going to be early for a change but when we went to get back in the car I noticed a completely flat tire. Thankfully, a really nice guy on his lunch break changed it for me. I told my daughter, "Well, this is what we get for trying to be early to church." She giggled, "It doesn't matter Mom. We are always late!" Even the good Samaritan laughed at that one!
I got to church and you will never guess who was there....that guy with his new girlfriend. We sat down and I had a hard time concentrating. Why the heck did he bring her to church again? Didn't he prove his point? My goodness, this is kind of a slap in the face. Why can't he go to his church? Why does he have to bring her MY church?! I left there very frustrated. I was thinking, "Geez, maybe I just won't come to church on Wednesday nights anymore. What's the point when I can't even focus on the Word because of my anger? See, this is why I think it's easier to just not date or even think about being pursued by anyone. I don't have time for this crap!" I was falling into the same trap I had lived in for the last 4 years.
Funnily enough, a really awesome friend that I haven't talked to in almost 2 years contacted me again and I just spilled my guts to her. It was so good to talk to her! I told her what was bothering me and she said, "Why is this bothering you so much? I was reading your blog and see how big your faith is and how much God has done for you this year. Man you even went to Mexico on a mission trip! Is this really such a big deal?" We kept talking and I kept venting but it got me thinking. Then, I got a text from my spiritual mama. She said that gratefulness is our best weapon. I should be grateful that God protected my heart when he was not THE man that He had planned for me. He is not a bad guy at all, just not my guy. After all, he was very respectful and didn't cross any boundaries with me. Besides, she said, now that he is out of the way he has made room for the hunka hunka burning love that God has in store for me! Heehee! She has such a good way of putting things!
Being that frustrated about it was not really a good response. I still feel like he should have let me know, but he made no promises to me. Plus, I don't feel like it was a coincidence that I had met this guy, started praying about what to do, and then got distracted by sickness and wasn't in the right frame of mind when I saw him again. God was faithful to protect my heart and tell me no before I got involved with him. God is sooo good!! I feel much better about it now. So what if I don't have my husband yet. He is coming. And he will definitely be worth the wait. I am grateful for you, Lord, for being my maker and husband. You hold my heart until You choose to give it to someone else. I know You have a specific man in mind and I am more than willing to wait! Thank you for protection. And thank you for laying on my heart to seek You and Your decision for my future. Thank you for putting awesome, positive people in my life to help me along the way. Gee whiz, am I blessed or what?
Like my Aunt says, I'm too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!
I know this doesn't all fit together now, but bear with me because it will. About maybe 3 weeks ago, there was this new guy at church. During praise and worship, he was getting down for God! He gave his testimony in church after I shared my concern about my grandma's health and asked for prayer (she has been battling cancer now for about 5 years and recently decided to stop taking chemo). He told me that I should be encouraged. Everyone prayed for grandma. After church he came and handed me this card and then walked away. It talked about God always being there and drawing strength from Him in difficult times.
I didn't really think too much of it. I thought he was just being friendly. A friend of mine from church text me and said that this guy seemed like someone who could be my husband. Really? He was good looking and all and I noticed him but it wasn't like an "oh baby" kind of notice. I prayed about it. Cut to about 2 weeks later. A really good friend of mine invited the kids and I to this cookout thing where there were paddle boats, tree houses, go carts, golf carts, and a huge playground. We had the whole area to ourselves. It was so fun! Turned out, the guy was there. Since the kids knew him from church, they were playing with him and he was taking them on go carts and things. I decided to take the baby for a walk in the stroller so him and all the kids went with us. We visited and told each other about our walk with God. During our outing, the boys both fell and scraped up their knees so I played Dr. Mom when we got back. It was sweet.
He made it a point to sit next to me and help me with little things with the kiddos. He asked if I would take his phone number so if I ever needed any help around the house I could call him. I took it down and then said, "Do you want my number too?" He smiled and said, "Yes, can I have it please?" Oh, okay. I finally understood that he was interested. I didn't realize it because he never looked me up and down, tried to touch me, or even said, "Hey baby" which is what I am used to. He was a Godly man trying to politely show interest in a Godly woman. What? This is all new territory to me!
Over the next few days he called and text me. He made clear that he wanted to pursue me. I told him that I needed to pray about it and talk to my pastors, who are also my spiritual mother and father. I explained that I had been through a few bad relationships and felt that the Lord had put my Christian friends in my path for a reason and I was going to utilize their advice. He was completely okay with it. It still was weird for me that it was all completely appropriate! I laid all my cards on the table and even told him that I had made the decision to wait until I was married to have sex. He said he respected me for that and that it wasn't all about sex for him anyway.
Right after this, I got sick. I stayed sick for a more than a week. I text him to let him know that I wasn't ignoring him, I just currently could not talk and breathe at the same time. His response was, "Thank you for thinking of me. God bless." Hmmm.....okay. I was too sick to wonder about it much. After a week of sinus and ear infections, I got the flu. It sucked! There is no other word for it! In the middle of all this, I was praying about it and talked to friends about it. I felt a definite, "No". Not because he was a bad guy or anything, far from it. We are just on different paths right now. I hadn't had a chance to tell the guy yet since I had been so sick. I was kind of dreading it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
I made it to church on that Wednesday night and he was there.....holding hands with another girl. In my church. He never said a word to me. Maybe he didn't know what to say? I don't know for sure. What I do know, is that it was extremely awkward. I go to a very small, very close-knit church. Need I say more? Everyone didn't know that he had made his intentions clear, but enough people did. Yeah, weirdness's. It didn't bother me that he was with someone else. I wasn't in love with the man nor did I have any claim on him. I just felt that it would have been courteous to let me know, "Hey, I met someone and we are dating" or whatever. Not because he owes me anything, but it would be the adult thing to do.
I decided to let it go, besides I didn't really have time to dwell in it since now the kids were sick. I was busy cleaning up puke and diarrhea, dealing with fevers, headaches and nightmares. Needless to say, none of us were sleeping well for a few weeks. I'm happy to report that we are all 100% healthy, other than this lingering cough that I have. I was looking forward to going to church yesterday since we had missed Sunday with the baby being sick. We went and ate supper at McDonald's and were actually going to be early for a change but when we went to get back in the car I noticed a completely flat tire. Thankfully, a really nice guy on his lunch break changed it for me. I told my daughter, "Well, this is what we get for trying to be early to church." She giggled, "It doesn't matter Mom. We are always late!" Even the good Samaritan laughed at that one!
I got to church and you will never guess who was there....that guy with his new girlfriend. We sat down and I had a hard time concentrating. Why the heck did he bring her to church again? Didn't he prove his point? My goodness, this is kind of a slap in the face. Why can't he go to his church? Why does he have to bring her MY church?! I left there very frustrated. I was thinking, "Geez, maybe I just won't come to church on Wednesday nights anymore. What's the point when I can't even focus on the Word because of my anger? See, this is why I think it's easier to just not date or even think about being pursued by anyone. I don't have time for this crap!" I was falling into the same trap I had lived in for the last 4 years.
Funnily enough, a really awesome friend that I haven't talked to in almost 2 years contacted me again and I just spilled my guts to her. It was so good to talk to her! I told her what was bothering me and she said, "Why is this bothering you so much? I was reading your blog and see how big your faith is and how much God has done for you this year. Man you even went to Mexico on a mission trip! Is this really such a big deal?" We kept talking and I kept venting but it got me thinking. Then, I got a text from my spiritual mama. She said that gratefulness is our best weapon. I should be grateful that God protected my heart when he was not THE man that He had planned for me. He is not a bad guy at all, just not my guy. After all, he was very respectful and didn't cross any boundaries with me. Besides, she said, now that he is out of the way he has made room for the hunka hunka burning love that God has in store for me! Heehee! She has such a good way of putting things!
Being that frustrated about it was not really a good response. I still feel like he should have let me know, but he made no promises to me. Plus, I don't feel like it was a coincidence that I had met this guy, started praying about what to do, and then got distracted by sickness and wasn't in the right frame of mind when I saw him again. God was faithful to protect my heart and tell me no before I got involved with him. God is sooo good!! I feel much better about it now. So what if I don't have my husband yet. He is coming. And he will definitely be worth the wait. I am grateful for you, Lord, for being my maker and husband. You hold my heart until You choose to give it to someone else. I know You have a specific man in mind and I am more than willing to wait! Thank you for protection. And thank you for laying on my heart to seek You and Your decision for my future. Thank you for putting awesome, positive people in my life to help me along the way. Gee whiz, am I blessed or what?
Like my Aunt says, I'm too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Belly Laughs are good for the soul!
This is not going to be a typical blog at all. You know how I have said time and time again that when you have kids like mine you don't need TV? They are entertainment in themselves! There have been several silly things happen that I just have to share with you. You will get a good chuckle, and maybe even a few belly laughs. My kids drive me to tears from laughter on a daily basis, and they don't even mean to! So, here you go....
I got a phone call that they were looking for placement in a foster home for a 14 month old little girl. I was so excited! A baby?! That hardly ever happens! Of course I jumped on that chance. I am so blessed!
Anyway, I picked her up for the first time and met her parents. It was a Wednesday when I got her so of course we went to church that night. My pastors had been expecting us because I had told them about getting her and how excited I was. I was late coming in, as usual. I walked up to my place in the front. They had just started praise and worship. They stopped and said, "Look everyone! Hannah has a new little foster girl." I turned around and said, "Isn't she cute? Tell everybody hi.." and this precious little girl turned and looked at me, and threw up all over me. Not just a little baby spit up either. It was like the excorcist! I have never seen that much puke come out of something that little! It was a kodak moment! Everyone said, "Oh!" I walked back up the aisle with the baby in my arms. Mama's followed me to help clean us up and we left a trail of puke up the sanctuary. I laughed. We got cleaned up and stayed and worshiped. I will never forget that moment as long as I live!
One evening at the dinner table, the kids were talking. I had served them their plates, said Grace, and then I sat down with my plate. It was 'choose what you want to eat' night. The kids were eating mini-corndogs and I was eating a yummy stir fry. My 3 year old fosterson says, "Mom, what is that? Why aren't you eating corndogs too?" My 9 year old daughter informs him, "She is on a diet. But she calls it a lifestyle change but really it's a diet. She is eating healthier. He looks at me quizzically. My 6 year old foster son says, "That doesn't sound like fun. Is eating healthy yummy?" My 3 year old says, "Of course it isn't fun. That doesn't look good." My daughter says, "Just wait until you are older. You will be on a diet too." He replies, "Yeah, you go on a diet and then you die." My 14 month old fosterdaughter and 6 year old foster son look at me in horror. I am laughing so hard I can hardly reply. "No, honestly guys I wanted the stirfry. It's good!" They all looked at me skeptically. My youngest son stage whispers to his brother, "See, she can't even say that without laughing!"
This is another prime example of meal time at the Hannah house...We were all enjoying our pancakes one morning. The kids were talking about things that they would like to try. My oldest son says he would like to be a girl sometimes because he thinks it would be fun to do a makeover. My daughter says that sometimes she wants to be a boy because sometimes the get to go around with no shirts on. My youngest son looks at me and says, "Mom, I want to be a man. I want to be a big black man." I looked at the baby in her high chair to see if she had anything to add. She says, "Ohhhh!" I laughed so hard I choked on the bacon.
Yesterday, my daughter and I were at home alone. The boys were at the babysitter, and my youngest girl was on a visit. I was back in my pajamas laying on the couch, trying to get over this summer crud I seem to have caught. She decided she wanted to watch 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. After a particularly hectic scene with all those kids, I turned to my daughter and said, "Honey look! Before too long that will be us!" She looked at me in sheer horror. "Mom, are you serious?" I laughed so hard that I coughed, sneezed, and blew snot all over my blanket. How's that for a mental image? I think I gave my daughter her first gray hair!
This is only 4 things that have tickled my funny bone. I have so many, they could fill a whole book! You know, life is too short to not have a good laugh every now and then. I hope you had a few reading this.
I got a phone call that they were looking for placement in a foster home for a 14 month old little girl. I was so excited! A baby?! That hardly ever happens! Of course I jumped on that chance. I am so blessed!
Anyway, I picked her up for the first time and met her parents. It was a Wednesday when I got her so of course we went to church that night. My pastors had been expecting us because I had told them about getting her and how excited I was. I was late coming in, as usual. I walked up to my place in the front. They had just started praise and worship. They stopped and said, "Look everyone! Hannah has a new little foster girl." I turned around and said, "Isn't she cute? Tell everybody hi.." and this precious little girl turned and looked at me, and threw up all over me. Not just a little baby spit up either. It was like the excorcist! I have never seen that much puke come out of something that little! It was a kodak moment! Everyone said, "Oh!" I walked back up the aisle with the baby in my arms. Mama's followed me to help clean us up and we left a trail of puke up the sanctuary. I laughed. We got cleaned up and stayed and worshiped. I will never forget that moment as long as I live!
One evening at the dinner table, the kids were talking. I had served them their plates, said Grace, and then I sat down with my plate. It was 'choose what you want to eat' night. The kids were eating mini-corndogs and I was eating a yummy stir fry. My 3 year old fosterson says, "Mom, what is that? Why aren't you eating corndogs too?" My 9 year old daughter informs him, "She is on a diet. But she calls it a lifestyle change but really it's a diet. She is eating healthier. He looks at me quizzically. My 6 year old foster son says, "That doesn't sound like fun. Is eating healthy yummy?" My 3 year old says, "Of course it isn't fun. That doesn't look good." My daughter says, "Just wait until you are older. You will be on a diet too." He replies, "Yeah, you go on a diet and then you die." My 14 month old fosterdaughter and 6 year old foster son look at me in horror. I am laughing so hard I can hardly reply. "No, honestly guys I wanted the stirfry. It's good!" They all looked at me skeptically. My youngest son stage whispers to his brother, "See, she can't even say that without laughing!"
This is another prime example of meal time at the Hannah house...We were all enjoying our pancakes one morning. The kids were talking about things that they would like to try. My oldest son says he would like to be a girl sometimes because he thinks it would be fun to do a makeover. My daughter says that sometimes she wants to be a boy because sometimes the get to go around with no shirts on. My youngest son looks at me and says, "Mom, I want to be a man. I want to be a big black man." I looked at the baby in her high chair to see if she had anything to add. She says, "Ohhhh!" I laughed so hard I choked on the bacon.
Yesterday, my daughter and I were at home alone. The boys were at the babysitter, and my youngest girl was on a visit. I was back in my pajamas laying on the couch, trying to get over this summer crud I seem to have caught. She decided she wanted to watch 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. After a particularly hectic scene with all those kids, I turned to my daughter and said, "Honey look! Before too long that will be us!" She looked at me in sheer horror. "Mom, are you serious?" I laughed so hard that I coughed, sneezed, and blew snot all over my blanket. How's that for a mental image? I think I gave my daughter her first gray hair!
This is only 4 things that have tickled my funny bone. I have so many, they could fill a whole book! You know, life is too short to not have a good laugh every now and then. I hope you had a few reading this.
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