Stress and relief

Hey my blogger buddies! I have had some ideas for some blogs for a while now but I couldn't sit down to focus my thoughts. I have too much stuff running around in my head to not write tonight. There has been so much awesome stuff happening this week that I just had to share!

This week started out pretty frustrating. My boss is out of the country on a much deserved cruise, so I have been running his little Bistro by myself. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal but I didn't consider everything else I would have going on at the same time. I had 3 finals this week on top of the kids and my other job. I realized it would be a little more stressful than I planned. The timing wasn't real great but that's okay. I could handle it.

Then, I got a phone call on Saturday, the day my boss was leaving town. One of our regular customers wanted a catering job done to be picked up Monday afternoon! That was an awesome blessing for the business, but stress city for me! Not only would I be running the Bistro by myself, I would be doing the catering job by myself. Oh, and did I mention I have never actually done the catering side before? My boss and his wife had always done that part. Well, I guess everyone has to learn somehow. Sometimes, I just wonder why it seems that I always have to learn by being thrown into things headfirst!

Needless to say, I made it through the day just fine. I didn't even pull all my hair out. I got the job done and the customer seemed pleased. Score 1 for Hannah! Afterwards, I felt pretty good. I had proven myself capable of swimming when I was thrown in the deep end. Go me!

On Tuesday I decided that I needed to get a few capris and shirts for my trip next week. I was kicking myself because at the end of last Summer I threw away all my shorts and capris. I had been wearing the same ones for 3 years and was sick of them. I figured since I will be in Mexico in May, it is bound to be hot. I won't be able to wear my jeans and boots there and be comfortable. Shuckie-darn! I had the horrible task of going shopping in my favorite store.....teehee!

Anyway, I get there and my regular sales girls weren't there. The store was being run by a bunch of teenage girls I didn't know. I went and picked out things to try on and my daughter and I went in the dressing room. I found a few things I liked but needed different sizes, one bigger and one smaller. I sent my daughter out with the items to give to the salespeople. I stood there in my underwear for 10 minutes. I started to get chilly so I put on my clothes and went out to find out what was taking so long. Immediately I see my daughter at the front counter, standing by a sales associate who was talking to another sales associate, my clothes in her hand. The other girl leaves and the girl holding my clothes starts wandering around aimlessly.

My daughter looks at me and shrugs. I said, "What is she doing? Didn't you give her those shorts?" "I did Mom. She just now started looking for them. She has been talking to that other girl." She replied. My eyebrows raised. My temper was starting to rise. My daughter could tell too. I walked over to the girl, my daughter close on my heels. She had begun to talk to the other associate who was working. I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, I sent my daughter to you 10 minutes ago with 2 pairs of shorts to get me different sizes." She looked confused. She looked at the clothing in her hand and then looked back at me. "Oh, yeah. Well, I like, couldn't find the right size." Then, she popped her gum and stared at me. My eyebrows got higher. My daughter was getting nervous. She knows when my eyebrows disappear into my hairline, I am not at all happy and someone else is getting ready to not be happy right along with me.

However, instead of blowing up I went back to the dressing room and put on my shoes. On my way out the door I asked when the manager was going to be in. They told me and I stalked away. I was super frustrated! I had never been treated that way in that store. I shop there so much that the sales people know my name. They even know my size and help me pick out clothes because they know the style of stuff I like. They know the names and ages of my kids too. Where am I going to get my clothes now? Plus, we are in Kansas so what is with the Valley Girl accents? Like, get real, like. Grrrr!!

I went home frustrated. I sat and stewed for a while and then got over it. I can always go in when different people are there. Those girls just made me feel like I was beneath them. I really don't like it when people do that. To be fair though, I am sometimes sensitive to stuff like that so I have to take that particular feeling with a grain of salt. Tomorrow was a new day and I had plenty of time to shop.

Wednesday was the morning I was going to cut out my dresses. Yes, I did say dresses. As a respect to their culture, the women on the mission base have to wear skirts in services and when they leave the base. We will be worshiping and leaving the base almost every day. This presented a problem to this girl who never wears dresses. I decided it would be a better idea to have my sister-in-law sew me some flowy dresses than to wear a shirt with a skirt. We went to cut it out and the pattern was too small for me!

I know that patterns run small because I used to help my Mom sew all the time. When we made my 8th grade graduation formal, we had to get a pattern that was 2 sizes bigger than the clothes I wear off the rack. I knew all that, but it still upset me. I sat down and cried. If I knew about this trip 5 months ago, why aren't I 50 pounds lighter? Why didn't I spend every waking minute exercising and dieting? I mean, I'm not a cow but I'm not skinny minny either. I am a woman with real curves. I was really depressed now. I was even starting to not want to go. So instead of crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head, I called a good friend of mine.

Somehow she managed to understand my dilemma through my tears. She gave me a Mom worthy pep talk. The things she told me really made sense. I went something like this...."You have been looking forward to this trip for long time. People have been saying that whole time that you are going to have incredible experiences there. Do you think the enemy want you there, knowing it will be a life changing experience for you? No way! Besides, you are not that big. I don't want you to say that you are thinking about not going, because you are going. In fact, all this trouble should make you even more excited. You wouldn't be having all these problems now, if amazing things weren't going to happen there." We talked about some other things. Before I got off the phone she told me that before I bought anything I should come to her house. She has some clothes that were too small she thought I would like.

I was feeling much better after our talk. I went to drop my youngest off at the babysitters and headed to her house. She was grinning and said for me to sit down and look through the trash sack full of things she had put together. I sat down and started pulling things out one by one. Every single thing in there was my style and my size! I looked up at her with my jaw dropped. A few things even had tags on them! "Where did you get all this?" "Well, I have had this stuff for a while. I just couldn't get rid of it. When I was going through these clothes to put some together for you I just kept thinking, 'Okay God, You are so funny!" I could not believe it! If I hadn't been late to work already, I probably would have given her a little fashion show right then and there, just to see if everything fit.

I got home and tried the clothes on and all but 2 shirts fit me like they were made for me! I can't make this stuff up! I was on cloud 9! My Heavenly Daddy saw my frustration and provided me with clothes for this trip! There are still a few things I have to get but I'm pretty well set. Oh, and my sister-in-laws Grandma is going to sew my dresses for me.

I know that this sounds like a trivial thing, but it was a big deal to me. It seems like just when I am getting frustrated and I pray for Him to reign me in, He comes to the rescue for me. Not only that, but my God does it in such a way that there is now way that it could come anywhere but from Him. Talk about confirmation! I am so over the moon that there are no words to describe!

Mexico here I come! Not that I'm counting or anything, but I leave in 6 days. So excited! The awesome thing is, if God can do these wonderful things for me, He can for you too. God is not a respecter of persons. We are all the same in His eyes. I'm not saying that He will provide you with a trash bag full of clothes but if you turn to Him in your frustration, He will provide for you.

It's like my youngest sons constant struggle with getting dressed in the morning. He always comes out of the bedroom with everything backwards, even underwear. I ask him to go fix it and he starts crying in frustration and sits down and cries. "It's too hard! I can't do it!" I stand there and look at him. He cries for a few minutes and then looks at me. "Mom, can you help me?" I smile at him. "Honey, I was just waiting for you to ask. Using your words is much more effective than throwing a fit isn't it? Here, let me show this trick that my Mom taught me when I was your age....." In no time at all, he is all smiles. He has learned that all he has to do is ask for help and he will get it. He is also learning that the sooner he asks for help, the less frustrated he gets. He has started setting them out upside down so when he puts them on they will be right.

This is something I struggle with. No, I don't mean putting my clothes on backwards. Asking for help instead of internalizing stuff is not always easy. Oh, sure I have lots of friends and am a very social person. Before I started walking with God, I didn't want to count on anyone but myself for most things. Then my Mom died and it seemed that my lifeline died too. I didn't have anyone that I could call in a panic and they would understand drop everything to take care of me. For a few years I walked around dreading what would happen if something really bad went down with me. Then, it happened. I had a tumor that needed removed. I was terrified. I needed help. I couldn't do this one on my own.

In this place of terror, I cried out to God. "Help me Lord! Heal me Lord!" He did heal me. Tumor was taken out and non cancerous. My family and friends pulled through for me too. The next week, my then landlord invited me to her church. I went and it changed my life. God met me there. I'll never be the same. I was done spinning my wheels. I asked for and received help. God was waiting for me that whole time. He was patiently watching me struggle with things and sometimes even throw fits. When I was finally still and looked up at Him and said, "Father will you help me? Will you forgive me?" He looked down at me and said, "Honey I was just waiting for you to ask. Will you follow Me? Will you let me show you the way? I want what's best for you. I will always be right here to help you, my princess. Please remember that."

Don't be afraid to ask for help. He is waiting and watching for you.

Plan B

Finals are next week and boy am I feeling the crunch! Want to know how this Mama is spending her Mother's Day weekend? Studying. Sad I know, but necessary. I was tossing around the idea of taking Summer classes since I didn't last year, but I want some time off. Oh yeah, and it's officially 2 weeks away from Mexico. Yeah! I am so beyond ready to go!

I'm not as worried about my daughter while I am away as I am my foster boys. I don't want them to think that I'm not coming back for them. They have gone to respite before but not for 10 days. I'm going to send them with a picture and lots of hugs, kisses, and reassurance that I will be back. My daughter knows she's stuck with me so I'm not concerned about that. Haha! We have had lots of talks about how much fun she is going to have while I am gone. She's pretty excited about it. She's nervous too though, because this is the longest amount of time we will have spent away from each other.

I had a disappointment yesterday. I had felt a tug to seek full-time employment a few weeks ago. That was crazy and unexpected. I'm not sure if it was just because I was sick of not having any extras and wanting a regular job to help ease that, or if it was my Father prompting it. You see, I have 2 part time jobs and I go to school. I work odd hours so that I am available to my kids. Plus, both jobs are pretty flexible with me on my time so if an emergency comes up I don't stress about that. Getting a regular job would put a major crunch on my time. I was nervous about it but I went ahead and applied for a certain company.

I should explain something here. I am no stranger to work. I have been working since I was 14. When I was in High School I pulled a 30 hour work week and kept my grades up. Not only have I always had a job, I usually worked overtime too. Before I moved to Great Bend 2 years ago, I was at the post office often working 50 hours a week. It was a major change for me to have so much more time with my daughter. It was great! We both loved it, although at first we drove each other crazy. Now, if I'm not able to pick her up from school she is saying, "Mom where were you? You always pick me up!" Heehee.....how quickly she forgets that I was never able to do that before.

So, I stepped outside my comfort zone and put in my resume. I got an interview. Yay! I was getting excited. Not excited about leaving my jobs, but excited that I got an interview. It's been a while since I have had one of those. Then I got a second interview. Hot dog!! I started making plans for full time daycare for the kids. I was getting excited about the possibility of moving to a bigger house. I was starting to plan out a new budget that actually had some extra money left over every week! It's been a long time since that has happened. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I do not want for anything. I just don't have a whole lot of money to throw around for movies or amusement parks or a toy every week. We do a lot of stuff that is very cheap, but mostly free. Parks, the zoo, REC classes for the kids, walks, and playing outside are what we do a lot of.

Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail that they very much appreciated that I applied, but they didn't have a position for me at this time. What?! They gave MY job to someone else? What could they have been thinking? I am fun, spunky, a quick learner, and a very hard worker. I am a huge asset for any team in that company! They didn't want me. That was really difficult. Then I realized, I'm not really disappointed about losing out on that job. I could really care less about it. It was a stretch for me to be thinking about going back full time. The truth is, I wanted them to want me.

I took a mental step back. What? It used to be that I defined myself by my job and how much money I made. I don't anymore. My Lord and His love are what define me! The only person that I need to want me is Him. After my second interview, I had prayed and said, "Lord, I leave this in your hands. I'm not sure about anything other than I want You to direct my life. Will you please be in the middle of this. I want to be where You can use me the most. I love You and I trust You."

Guess He didn't want to have that job. Now, that confused me and kind of chapped me a little bit. I had no desire to get a regular job until a few weeks ago. In fact, I didn't really want to do it. I am very comfortable and happy right where I am. So, I went out on a limb and applied and then get turned down? What's up with that? After I thought about it, I have come to this conclusion.....

I know that God is not the author of confusion. That is someone else entirely. I don't think that God is this Almighty Being who sits up in the heavens and pulls the puppet string just to laugh when we fall. But I do think that sometimes He tests us a little bit. "Are you willing to change everything? How far would you go to do my work?" Let me make one thing clear that my Father already knows. I have no 'plan B'. I am completely sold out and put my faith in Him. Every time I try to take the reigns I screw things up royally.

So, I have to think that I was not meant to be with that company. That is just as well because I have recently come to a new venture. Last week I told a good friend of mine who works for the court system that I would like to start taking kiddos for emergency placement. Let me explain. When kids first get pulled from their homes they don't immediately go into foster care. First they have to go to an emergency placement for 3 or 4 days until they can go to court. It is their first glimpse of "the system". These kids often come broken, hurt, confused, and scared.

I am licensed for 3 foster kids so I actually have one opening. I'm not sure about taking on another full time placement. Right now I have two foster kids who used to live me that want to come back. Both of them have a separate set of issues and I'm not sure if I want to do that again. I love them dearly but it's not always the best thing for them to come back. After all, if I had every child I cared about and wanted to keep safe at my house, I would literally have 20 kids! Maybe this emergency placement thing is the way to go.

Just this week, I have had one placement who did get to go home and I have another one right now. There is a real need for this kind of care! My sister in law told me this morning that she thought maybe this was one of my callings. She said, "Hannah, I know you don't realize this, but that 14 year old girl was acting different when she left than when she came. You made a difference. Just in those three days. That's pretty incredible." Here is the thing though, I am not that special. I have friends who do the exact same thing. They just don't have a blog to talk about it.

So, as usual, I don't know what my future holds. What I do know, is my Lord and Savior is walking with me the whole time. I am in excellent and capable hands. I am so blessed to know that I am Princess and that I am loved. Not a lot of women know that. God, thank you for having my back. Thank you for placing me where You need me. Thank you for reigning me in and listening to me when I need you.