Plan B

Finals are next week and boy am I feeling the crunch! Want to know how this Mama is spending her Mother's Day weekend? Studying. Sad I know, but necessary. I was tossing around the idea of taking Summer classes since I didn't last year, but I want some time off. Oh yeah, and it's officially 2 weeks away from Mexico. Yeah! I am so beyond ready to go!

I'm not as worried about my daughter while I am away as I am my foster boys. I don't want them to think that I'm not coming back for them. They have gone to respite before but not for 10 days. I'm going to send them with a picture and lots of hugs, kisses, and reassurance that I will be back. My daughter knows she's stuck with me so I'm not concerned about that. Haha! We have had lots of talks about how much fun she is going to have while I am gone. She's pretty excited about it. She's nervous too though, because this is the longest amount of time we will have spent away from each other.

I had a disappointment yesterday. I had felt a tug to seek full-time employment a few weeks ago. That was crazy and unexpected. I'm not sure if it was just because I was sick of not having any extras and wanting a regular job to help ease that, or if it was my Father prompting it. You see, I have 2 part time jobs and I go to school. I work odd hours so that I am available to my kids. Plus, both jobs are pretty flexible with me on my time so if an emergency comes up I don't stress about that. Getting a regular job would put a major crunch on my time. I was nervous about it but I went ahead and applied for a certain company.

I should explain something here. I am no stranger to work. I have been working since I was 14. When I was in High School I pulled a 30 hour work week and kept my grades up. Not only have I always had a job, I usually worked overtime too. Before I moved to Great Bend 2 years ago, I was at the post office often working 50 hours a week. It was a major change for me to have so much more time with my daughter. It was great! We both loved it, although at first we drove each other crazy. Now, if I'm not able to pick her up from school she is saying, "Mom where were you? You always pick me up!" Heehee.....how quickly she forgets that I was never able to do that before.

So, I stepped outside my comfort zone and put in my resume. I got an interview. Yay! I was getting excited. Not excited about leaving my jobs, but excited that I got an interview. It's been a while since I have had one of those. Then I got a second interview. Hot dog!! I started making plans for full time daycare for the kids. I was getting excited about the possibility of moving to a bigger house. I was starting to plan out a new budget that actually had some extra money left over every week! It's been a long time since that has happened. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I do not want for anything. I just don't have a whole lot of money to throw around for movies or amusement parks or a toy every week. We do a lot of stuff that is very cheap, but mostly free. Parks, the zoo, REC classes for the kids, walks, and playing outside are what we do a lot of.

Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail that they very much appreciated that I applied, but they didn't have a position for me at this time. What?! They gave MY job to someone else? What could they have been thinking? I am fun, spunky, a quick learner, and a very hard worker. I am a huge asset for any team in that company! They didn't want me. That was really difficult. Then I realized, I'm not really disappointed about losing out on that job. I could really care less about it. It was a stretch for me to be thinking about going back full time. The truth is, I wanted them to want me.

I took a mental step back. What? It used to be that I defined myself by my job and how much money I made. I don't anymore. My Lord and His love are what define me! The only person that I need to want me is Him. After my second interview, I had prayed and said, "Lord, I leave this in your hands. I'm not sure about anything other than I want You to direct my life. Will you please be in the middle of this. I want to be where You can use me the most. I love You and I trust You."

Guess He didn't want to have that job. Now, that confused me and kind of chapped me a little bit. I had no desire to get a regular job until a few weeks ago. In fact, I didn't really want to do it. I am very comfortable and happy right where I am. So, I went out on a limb and applied and then get turned down? What's up with that? After I thought about it, I have come to this conclusion.....

I know that God is not the author of confusion. That is someone else entirely. I don't think that God is this Almighty Being who sits up in the heavens and pulls the puppet string just to laugh when we fall. But I do think that sometimes He tests us a little bit. "Are you willing to change everything? How far would you go to do my work?" Let me make one thing clear that my Father already knows. I have no 'plan B'. I am completely sold out and put my faith in Him. Every time I try to take the reigns I screw things up royally.

So, I have to think that I was not meant to be with that company. That is just as well because I have recently come to a new venture. Last week I told a good friend of mine who works for the court system that I would like to start taking kiddos for emergency placement. Let me explain. When kids first get pulled from their homes they don't immediately go into foster care. First they have to go to an emergency placement for 3 or 4 days until they can go to court. It is their first glimpse of "the system". These kids often come broken, hurt, confused, and scared.

I am licensed for 3 foster kids so I actually have one opening. I'm not sure about taking on another full time placement. Right now I have two foster kids who used to live me that want to come back. Both of them have a separate set of issues and I'm not sure if I want to do that again. I love them dearly but it's not always the best thing for them to come back. After all, if I had every child I cared about and wanted to keep safe at my house, I would literally have 20 kids! Maybe this emergency placement thing is the way to go.

Just this week, I have had one placement who did get to go home and I have another one right now. There is a real need for this kind of care! My sister in law told me this morning that she thought maybe this was one of my callings. She said, "Hannah, I know you don't realize this, but that 14 year old girl was acting different when she left than when she came. You made a difference. Just in those three days. That's pretty incredible." Here is the thing though, I am not that special. I have friends who do the exact same thing. They just don't have a blog to talk about it.

So, as usual, I don't know what my future holds. What I do know, is my Lord and Savior is walking with me the whole time. I am in excellent and capable hands. I am so blessed to know that I am Princess and that I am loved. Not a lot of women know that. God, thank you for having my back. Thank you for placing me where You need me. Thank you for reigning me in and listening to me when I need you.