Whew, what a day! It was definitely a Monday. Not one particular thing happened to make it bad, I was just thinking more than I should today. Sometimes I let myself worry about things I shouldn't, things that are really beyond my control.
It's funny how when changes crop up in my life lately, I feel just a little lost, unsure of myself. When something really funny happens, or something that the girls do or say that's silly, or when I have a bad day, I would call my parents to talk to them and tell them about it. Even if you aren't close to your Mom or Dad like that there is someone in your life that can tell just by the sound of your voice how your day has gone and if something is wrong, am I right? Who do you talk to when those people are gone?
I have lots of friends that are more like family and some really incredible family too. All those people are very supportive and I know they love me very much. But it's just not the same. That longing is still there. I know I can talk to any one of those people, and I have. There is still that hole though. The person I REALLY want to talk to can't talk back to me anymore. I realized tonight how much that really has been bothering me, and how big of a problem it has become.
It has not been easy, the last few years. After Mom died I realized how short life is. I realized that I need to tell the people I care about I love them and to not hold grudges. I had to grow up really quickly. I had to figure out cooking measurements on my own, I couldn't call her to tell me. I had to figure out how to can all those stupid tomatoes that I planted by myself. It was then that it hit me just how much I had relied on my Mom for things.
Fast forward almost 5 years to the day, and my Dad went to join her in heaven. When my brother told me I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Just like that, I had become an orphan. I was no one's little girl anymore. I had to be strong now. Even though I was full-grown I felt like I was 5 years old. Who would take care of me now. I was lost, without roots.
It has been 4 months since then and it gets easier everyday. Tonight, though, I think I had a revelation, which is why I am writing this now. My past does not define me. People do not define me. People are human and humans fail. They will not mean to, but people will hurt you and let you down. That is life. My parents were not perfect. After they were gone, it was easier to remember the good things but there were plenty of bad. It's not fair to put any loved one on that pedestal. That hole cannot be filled by talking to someone or having someone give me advice. It cannot be filled by my children, or friends, or anyone I care about. No person can make me in a bad mood or change my positive day into a negative one. That power is completely in my hands.
I cannot define myself by any person. I can only define myself in my Heavenly Father. It is unfair of me to think that if Mom and Dad were here everything would be okay. If I had some alone time, or more money, or a clean house, or the most well-behaved kids in the world I would still be unhappy and unfulfilled if I did not have Jesus.
I have been too long going around like the walking wounded. I am whole, I am complete. I am blessed. I am loved. Someone loved me so much that He died for me. He was completely blameless and He took my shame upon Himself. And then, when the very people he served and loved spit on Him and beat Him for my sin, do you know what He did? He prayed for them. He asked God to forgive the very people that were killing Him. What kind of man is this? What kind of love is this?
I am not an orphan. I am not alone. Even when you see me walking by myself down the hallways of the schools I work in, there is someone there with me. He is walking in front of me, shielding me from anything that comes my way. Anything that gets to me has to go through Him first. He is my protector, my redeemer, my savior, and the lover of my soul.
Thank you Lord that I am complete in you! Thank you for reminding me that I am loved beyond measure. Thank you for pulling me into your embrace and taking my cares away. I know you were waiting all the time for me to give my worries to you. I am sorry it took so long for me to remember that you want the good, bad, and the ugly. I need you to put things in perspective for me when I have another day of feeling that orphan mentality. I am not powerless, I am powerful in You!
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