I am in a funk. There is really no other word to describe it. In the last 3 weeks I have had 2 ear infections, a sinus infection, and a nasty flu. My kids have had migraines, fever, flu symptoms, cold symptoms, and the baby had severe diarrhea which always comes with my favorite thing in the world....diaper rash. Doesn't paint a pretty picture I know, but such is my life.
I know this doesn't all fit together now, but bear with me because it will. About maybe 3 weeks ago, there was this new guy at church. During praise and worship, he was getting down for God! He gave his testimony in church after I shared my concern about my grandma's health and asked for prayer (she has been battling cancer now for about 5 years and recently decided to stop taking chemo). He told me that I should be encouraged. Everyone prayed for grandma. After church he came and handed me this card and then walked away. It talked about God always being there and drawing strength from Him in difficult times.
I didn't really think too much of it. I thought he was just being friendly. A friend of mine from church text me and said that this guy seemed like someone who could be my husband. Really? He was good looking and all and I noticed him but it wasn't like an "oh baby" kind of notice. I prayed about it. Cut to about 2 weeks later. A really good friend of mine invited the kids and I to this cookout thing where there were paddle boats, tree houses, go carts, golf carts, and a huge playground. We had the whole area to ourselves. It was so fun! Turned out, the guy was there. Since the kids knew him from church, they were playing with him and he was taking them on go carts and things. I decided to take the baby for a walk in the stroller so him and all the kids went with us. We visited and told each other about our walk with God. During our outing, the boys both fell and scraped up their knees so I played Dr. Mom when we got back. It was sweet.
He made it a point to sit next to me and help me with little things with the kiddos. He asked if I would take his phone number so if I ever needed any help around the house I could call him. I took it down and then said, "Do you want my number too?" He smiled and said, "Yes, can I have it please?" Oh, okay. I finally understood that he was interested. I didn't realize it because he never looked me up and down, tried to touch me, or even said, "Hey baby" which is what I am used to. He was a Godly man trying to politely show interest in a Godly woman. What? This is all new territory to me!
Over the next few days he called and text me. He made clear that he wanted to pursue me. I told him that I needed to pray about it and talk to my pastors, who are also my spiritual mother and father. I explained that I had been through a few bad relationships and felt that the Lord had put my Christian friends in my path for a reason and I was going to utilize their advice. He was completely okay with it. It still was weird for me that it was all completely appropriate! I laid all my cards on the table and even told him that I had made the decision to wait until I was married to have sex. He said he respected me for that and that it wasn't all about sex for him anyway.
Right after this, I got sick. I stayed sick for a more than a week. I text him to let him know that I wasn't ignoring him, I just currently could not talk and breathe at the same time. His response was, "Thank you for thinking of me. God bless." Hmmm.....okay. I was too sick to wonder about it much. After a week of sinus and ear infections, I got the flu. It sucked! There is no other word for it! In the middle of all this, I was praying about it and talked to friends about it. I felt a definite, "No". Not because he was a bad guy or anything, far from it. We are just on different paths right now. I hadn't had a chance to tell the guy yet since I had been so sick. I was kind of dreading it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
I made it to church on that Wednesday night and he was there.....holding hands with another girl. In my church. He never said a word to me. Maybe he didn't know what to say? I don't know for sure. What I do know, is that it was extremely awkward. I go to a very small, very close-knit church. Need I say more? Everyone didn't know that he had made his intentions clear, but enough people did. Yeah, weirdness's. It didn't bother me that he was with someone else. I wasn't in love with the man nor did I have any claim on him. I just felt that it would have been courteous to let me know, "Hey, I met someone and we are dating" or whatever. Not because he owes me anything, but it would be the adult thing to do.
I decided to let it go, besides I didn't really have time to dwell in it since now the kids were sick. I was busy cleaning up puke and diarrhea, dealing with fevers, headaches and nightmares. Needless to say, none of us were sleeping well for a few weeks. I'm happy to report that we are all 100% healthy, other than this lingering cough that I have. I was looking forward to going to church yesterday since we had missed Sunday with the baby being sick. We went and ate supper at McDonald's and were actually going to be early for a change but when we went to get back in the car I noticed a completely flat tire. Thankfully, a really nice guy on his lunch break changed it for me. I told my daughter, "Well, this is what we get for trying to be early to church." She giggled, "It doesn't matter Mom. We are always late!" Even the good Samaritan laughed at that one!
I got to church and you will never guess who was there....that guy with his new girlfriend. We sat down and I had a hard time concentrating. Why the heck did he bring her to church again? Didn't he prove his point? My goodness, this is kind of a slap in the face. Why can't he go to his church? Why does he have to bring her MY church?! I left there very frustrated. I was thinking, "Geez, maybe I just won't come to church on Wednesday nights anymore. What's the point when I can't even focus on the Word because of my anger? See, this is why I think it's easier to just not date or even think about being pursued by anyone. I don't have time for this crap!" I was falling into the same trap I had lived in for the last 4 years.
Funnily enough, a really awesome friend that I haven't talked to in almost 2 years contacted me again and I just spilled my guts to her. It was so good to talk to her! I told her what was bothering me and she said, "Why is this bothering you so much? I was reading your blog and see how big your faith is and how much God has done for you this year. Man you even went to Mexico on a mission trip! Is this really such a big deal?" We kept talking and I kept venting but it got me thinking. Then, I got a text from my spiritual mama. She said that gratefulness is our best weapon. I should be grateful that God protected my heart when he was not THE man that He had planned for me. He is not a bad guy at all, just not my guy. After all, he was very respectful and didn't cross any boundaries with me. Besides, she said, now that he is out of the way he has made room for the hunka hunka burning love that God has in store for me! Heehee! She has such a good way of putting things!
Being that frustrated about it was not really a good response. I still feel like he should have let me know, but he made no promises to me. Plus, I don't feel like it was a coincidence that I had met this guy, started praying about what to do, and then got distracted by sickness and wasn't in the right frame of mind when I saw him again. God was faithful to protect my heart and tell me no before I got involved with him. God is sooo good!! I feel much better about it now. So what if I don't have my husband yet. He is coming. And he will definitely be worth the wait. I am grateful for you, Lord, for being my maker and husband. You hold my heart until You choose to give it to someone else. I know You have a specific man in mind and I am more than willing to wait! Thank you for protection. And thank you for laying on my heart to seek You and Your decision for my future. Thank you for putting awesome, positive people in my life to help me along the way. Gee whiz, am I blessed or what?
Like my Aunt says, I'm too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Belly Laughs are good for the soul!
This is not going to be a typical blog at all. You know how I have said time and time again that when you have kids like mine you don't need TV? They are entertainment in themselves! There have been several silly things happen that I just have to share with you. You will get a good chuckle, and maybe even a few belly laughs. My kids drive me to tears from laughter on a daily basis, and they don't even mean to! So, here you go....
I got a phone call that they were looking for placement in a foster home for a 14 month old little girl. I was so excited! A baby?! That hardly ever happens! Of course I jumped on that chance. I am so blessed!
Anyway, I picked her up for the first time and met her parents. It was a Wednesday when I got her so of course we went to church that night. My pastors had been expecting us because I had told them about getting her and how excited I was. I was late coming in, as usual. I walked up to my place in the front. They had just started praise and worship. They stopped and said, "Look everyone! Hannah has a new little foster girl." I turned around and said, "Isn't she cute? Tell everybody hi.." and this precious little girl turned and looked at me, and threw up all over me. Not just a little baby spit up either. It was like the excorcist! I have never seen that much puke come out of something that little! It was a kodak moment! Everyone said, "Oh!" I walked back up the aisle with the baby in my arms. Mama's followed me to help clean us up and we left a trail of puke up the sanctuary. I laughed. We got cleaned up and stayed and worshiped. I will never forget that moment as long as I live!
One evening at the dinner table, the kids were talking. I had served them their plates, said Grace, and then I sat down with my plate. It was 'choose what you want to eat' night. The kids were eating mini-corndogs and I was eating a yummy stir fry. My 3 year old fosterson says, "Mom, what is that? Why aren't you eating corndogs too?" My 9 year old daughter informs him, "She is on a diet. But she calls it a lifestyle change but really it's a diet. She is eating healthier. He looks at me quizzically. My 6 year old foster son says, "That doesn't sound like fun. Is eating healthy yummy?" My 3 year old says, "Of course it isn't fun. That doesn't look good." My daughter says, "Just wait until you are older. You will be on a diet too." He replies, "Yeah, you go on a diet and then you die." My 14 month old fosterdaughter and 6 year old foster son look at me in horror. I am laughing so hard I can hardly reply. "No, honestly guys I wanted the stirfry. It's good!" They all looked at me skeptically. My youngest son stage whispers to his brother, "See, she can't even say that without laughing!"
This is another prime example of meal time at the Hannah house...We were all enjoying our pancakes one morning. The kids were talking about things that they would like to try. My oldest son says he would like to be a girl sometimes because he thinks it would be fun to do a makeover. My daughter says that sometimes she wants to be a boy because sometimes the get to go around with no shirts on. My youngest son looks at me and says, "Mom, I want to be a man. I want to be a big black man." I looked at the baby in her high chair to see if she had anything to add. She says, "Ohhhh!" I laughed so hard I choked on the bacon.
Yesterday, my daughter and I were at home alone. The boys were at the babysitter, and my youngest girl was on a visit. I was back in my pajamas laying on the couch, trying to get over this summer crud I seem to have caught. She decided she wanted to watch 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. After a particularly hectic scene with all those kids, I turned to my daughter and said, "Honey look! Before too long that will be us!" She looked at me in sheer horror. "Mom, are you serious?" I laughed so hard that I coughed, sneezed, and blew snot all over my blanket. How's that for a mental image? I think I gave my daughter her first gray hair!
This is only 4 things that have tickled my funny bone. I have so many, they could fill a whole book! You know, life is too short to not have a good laugh every now and then. I hope you had a few reading this.
I got a phone call that they were looking for placement in a foster home for a 14 month old little girl. I was so excited! A baby?! That hardly ever happens! Of course I jumped on that chance. I am so blessed!
Anyway, I picked her up for the first time and met her parents. It was a Wednesday when I got her so of course we went to church that night. My pastors had been expecting us because I had told them about getting her and how excited I was. I was late coming in, as usual. I walked up to my place in the front. They had just started praise and worship. They stopped and said, "Look everyone! Hannah has a new little foster girl." I turned around and said, "Isn't she cute? Tell everybody hi.." and this precious little girl turned and looked at me, and threw up all over me. Not just a little baby spit up either. It was like the excorcist! I have never seen that much puke come out of something that little! It was a kodak moment! Everyone said, "Oh!" I walked back up the aisle with the baby in my arms. Mama's followed me to help clean us up and we left a trail of puke up the sanctuary. I laughed. We got cleaned up and stayed and worshiped. I will never forget that moment as long as I live!
One evening at the dinner table, the kids were talking. I had served them their plates, said Grace, and then I sat down with my plate. It was 'choose what you want to eat' night. The kids were eating mini-corndogs and I was eating a yummy stir fry. My 3 year old fosterson says, "Mom, what is that? Why aren't you eating corndogs too?" My 9 year old daughter informs him, "She is on a diet. But she calls it a lifestyle change but really it's a diet. She is eating healthier. He looks at me quizzically. My 6 year old foster son says, "That doesn't sound like fun. Is eating healthy yummy?" My 3 year old says, "Of course it isn't fun. That doesn't look good." My daughter says, "Just wait until you are older. You will be on a diet too." He replies, "Yeah, you go on a diet and then you die." My 14 month old fosterdaughter and 6 year old foster son look at me in horror. I am laughing so hard I can hardly reply. "No, honestly guys I wanted the stirfry. It's good!" They all looked at me skeptically. My youngest son stage whispers to his brother, "See, she can't even say that without laughing!"
This is another prime example of meal time at the Hannah house...We were all enjoying our pancakes one morning. The kids were talking about things that they would like to try. My oldest son says he would like to be a girl sometimes because he thinks it would be fun to do a makeover. My daughter says that sometimes she wants to be a boy because sometimes the get to go around with no shirts on. My youngest son looks at me and says, "Mom, I want to be a man. I want to be a big black man." I looked at the baby in her high chair to see if she had anything to add. She says, "Ohhhh!" I laughed so hard I choked on the bacon.
Yesterday, my daughter and I were at home alone. The boys were at the babysitter, and my youngest girl was on a visit. I was back in my pajamas laying on the couch, trying to get over this summer crud I seem to have caught. She decided she wanted to watch 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. After a particularly hectic scene with all those kids, I turned to my daughter and said, "Honey look! Before too long that will be us!" She looked at me in sheer horror. "Mom, are you serious?" I laughed so hard that I coughed, sneezed, and blew snot all over my blanket. How's that for a mental image? I think I gave my daughter her first gray hair!
This is only 4 things that have tickled my funny bone. I have so many, they could fill a whole book! You know, life is too short to not have a good laugh every now and then. I hope you had a few reading this.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Deodorant is not for eating!
I was going to write more about the trip but there has been a change of plans. We are going to take a slight detour.
Things are always crazy at my house, but more so than usual in the last few weeks. My two foster boys are 3 years and 6 years old and they are brothers. Their visits with their Mom changed to longer days, and they had specific behaviors as a result of it. They had family court and decided that after only 1 week, they needed to go back to just a few hours at a time. On top of that, I had two teenage girls stay at my house for respite for a week. We know these girls, but it was still new people in the house.
As a result of all of these changes, my youngest son has been acting out like crazy. He has been kicking, yelling, throwing things, throwing himself on the floor, talking back, arguing, and bullying the other kids. Did I mention he is only 3? Needless to say, it has been a lot to take in. I mean, I understand why he is doing it. He is so confused he doesn't even know which way is up. He is getting bounced around like crazy, told one thing and then another thing happens. He feels like he has no control and he doens't know how to take it. He dosen't have a choice.
Last week was the height of all this activity. He was being super deifiant, rolling his eyes and saying, "Fine, geez!" anytime I ask him to do something. No, I'm being completely serious! I couldn't make this stuff up. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that his body had been taken over by a moody teenage girl that was PMSing. No joke.
A week ago today, I was sitting on the couch with all the kids watching a movie. My youngest son was sitting on the floor playing. He looked up at me and said, "Can I play outside?" "No, we are watching a movie right now." He frowned at me. "But I don't want to watch a movie." I looked down at him. "Honey, we are having a little family togetherness right now. I want you to stay in the house with us." He stuck his bottom lip out at me, picked up a blue crayon off the floor and proceeded to color the couch with it, right underneath where I was sitting. I sat there for a second in disbelief before I sprang into action. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!! YOU ARE SPENDING THE REST OF THE EVENING IN YOUR ROOM!!" With that, I shut his bedroom door.
As if that wasn't enough, after an hour he comes out of his room and says, "Mom, I need to wipe off my tongue." I thought it was a ploy to get out of his room. "What is on your tongue?" I got a little closer to him and saw a soap-like substance on his mouth. "What did you get into?" He started at me as if I was stupid. "You NEED to tell me what you ate! It's important, it could make you sick!" He took me into his bedroom and showed me that he had eaten a whole stick of deoderant that his brother had left on his dresser. I asked him why he ate it and his response was, "Because I was mad I had to stay in my room." What am I supposed to do with that?!
So, I helped him to get some water in his mouth and spit. I had him lay down on his bed and I had to call the emergency number for my foster parenting agency to let them know that he had eaten deoderant. They advised me to call Poison Control. I called them and they said he should be okay but to check on him and call them back in an hour. They were concerned since they had never heard of a kid eating a whole stick of deoderant, just a bite and then spitting it out. He was fine. I was not.
I could not believe that he did that! The whole time I was on the phone I was so irritated!! Who does that? Who eats deoderant when they are mad? Who colors on the couch, right underneath their unbelieving mother? This kid must love to be in trouble! I had no clue where to go from here. He is a strong-willed child to be sure and those kind of children are difficult to raise. I wanted to call my Mom so bad! I have tried everything....grounding from TV and outside, taking away toys to the point that he didn't have any in his room anymore, taking away desserts, making him stay in his room, having him go to bed early, sitting in the naughty spot, even taking away fun activities. What else can I do? I cannot spank him, which is sometimes difficult because when push comes to shove I will spank my daughter. You can't spank foster kids though. They do not know the difference between abuse and discipline.
I seriously thought he had lost his ever loving mind. I needed a break. I called my case manager and asked her if he could go to respite for a few days so I could collect my bearings. He went to stay with a family that has become close to my heart. They are an awesome and God loving couple and they love my boys. I had told the wife the situation and she said she would reinforce that he needs to treat me with respect and try to figure out if there is anything that is behind his behaviors, other than the obvious.
After he left, I felt relief. I had been walking on eggshells for a while. That night I went to bed and I prayed, "Lord, I need some Divine strategy. I know that my son is in my home for a purpose. You put him here. I don't know what to do with him anymore. Can you help me please? Put in me what is going to help him get through this rough time, Father. Help me to reach him. I know he is only acting this way to me because he knows I will always be there so he can unleash his anger and frustration on me. I have been there through the ups and downs. I feel like he is trying to make me mad so I will lose it. I don't want that and I know you don't either. Please, restore the peace in my home and help me to help him."
A few days later I went to get him and he was doing the same things. I didn't react to it. I just kept thinking about the stupid things I did after my Mom died. I had just got divorced but didn't really want to be alone. My solution to that? I became a serial dater. Oh, I didn't sleep with any of them but I dated a lot. Like maybe 15 people in 6 months. I never really could make it past the 3rd date. I even had a system if I was bored with the date. I would have my sister in law call about 30 minutes in. If I wanted to get out of there, I would pretend that she was calling because my daughter had hurt herself and I needed to leave. Isn't that horrible?Maybe he really doesn't know why he is acting out. I didn't. I didn't want anyone to get too close to me, but I didn't want to be unattached either. Needless to say, I got over that. I haven't been on a date in 3 years. No, I didn't go from one extreme to another. I'm just waiting for God to send me the right one.
We all went to bed that night and I walked through the house praying. I pled the blood of Jesus over my home and children. I prayed warring angels to protect them through the night. I demanded that anything not of my Father to leave. This is my sanctuary. I literally prayed heaven down over my home and children. Then, I went to bed myself. I woke up the next morning with a new strategy. I was going to win my son over with praise. I felt like he was just trying to get my attention, so I was going to give it to him. I was going to let him know that I see him, and I love him.
At this point, he was throwing fits about everything. I would ask him to put his plate in the sink and he would throw himself down. So I started with little things. "Honey, you shut that door! Thank you for that! That made me so happy!! Give me a high five!" "Oh, look! You buckled your seat belt! Good job! Look how big you are!" Yeah, sounds corny right? But, it worked! This morning you know what I said? "Wowie! You made your bed and I didn't even ask you to?!! That's incredible honey! My heart is so big and happy right now!" He gave me a little giggle and huge little boy grin that made my heart soar. All he wanted to know was that I notice him. He wanted to know in his heart that I love him. Actions speak louder than words, at least that's how I feel. I showed him by clapping and dancing around like a mad woman when he did the smallest thing that was positive, even if it was just shutting the door behind himself without slamming it.
It has been only 3 days since he got back from respite, one week since the deoderant incident. Things are going amazing. The big test was tonight. We went to a resteraunt and had to wait 45 minutes for our food. It really was rediculous. There were 3 adults and 6 kids there and my youngest son was the best behaved of us all. He didn't yell or complain or run around. He didn't even roll his eyes! He just sat there. In fact, I got irritated and said how frustrating it was that we were having to wait so long. He said, "Mom, don't worry. They are working on it." On the way home, he was singing 'He is jealous for me' at the top of his lungs. I didn't even have the radio on. How's about them apples?
See, God does care about even the little things. He cares that I was at my breaking point with my son. He heard my cries of frustration and helped. Let me tell you, there is no way I could have come up with that one on my own! My Father knew exactly what my son needed. Thank you Lord for being the master of my home! Thank you for always listening to me. There is no way I could make it through the day without Your grace and love. Thank you for putting in me to love these foster children right past their pain and anger to the core of their little hearts. Thank you for using me as a vessle to heal their emotional wounds and give them a childhood. Thank you God, for loving me the same way. You know, I can freely give these kids this love only because it was given to me. God healed me of my pain and hurt. He stitched me right back together and gave me a purpose. What the enemy intended for my destruction, my Father and redeemer used it for good. How else could I relate to these kids?
Okay....a little side note here. I just had to let you guys know that my brood has increased. I already have my daughter who is 9, my foster sons who are 3 and 6. A few days ago I got a 14 month old little girl! Yay! She is so precious and the happiest little thing you have ever met. She may even be a better baby than my daughter was, and that's saying something! Shhh, don't tell her I said that! In case you have lost count, that is 4 children I have. They are thinking about placing one more with me at the end of the month and then I will be all full up. Can you believe it? Isn't God so good? My home is bursting at the seams with love and children. Does life get much better than this?
Things are always crazy at my house, but more so than usual in the last few weeks. My two foster boys are 3 years and 6 years old and they are brothers. Their visits with their Mom changed to longer days, and they had specific behaviors as a result of it. They had family court and decided that after only 1 week, they needed to go back to just a few hours at a time. On top of that, I had two teenage girls stay at my house for respite for a week. We know these girls, but it was still new people in the house.
As a result of all of these changes, my youngest son has been acting out like crazy. He has been kicking, yelling, throwing things, throwing himself on the floor, talking back, arguing, and bullying the other kids. Did I mention he is only 3? Needless to say, it has been a lot to take in. I mean, I understand why he is doing it. He is so confused he doesn't even know which way is up. He is getting bounced around like crazy, told one thing and then another thing happens. He feels like he has no control and he doens't know how to take it. He dosen't have a choice.
Last week was the height of all this activity. He was being super deifiant, rolling his eyes and saying, "Fine, geez!" anytime I ask him to do something. No, I'm being completely serious! I couldn't make this stuff up. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that his body had been taken over by a moody teenage girl that was PMSing. No joke.
A week ago today, I was sitting on the couch with all the kids watching a movie. My youngest son was sitting on the floor playing. He looked up at me and said, "Can I play outside?" "No, we are watching a movie right now." He frowned at me. "But I don't want to watch a movie." I looked down at him. "Honey, we are having a little family togetherness right now. I want you to stay in the house with us." He stuck his bottom lip out at me, picked up a blue crayon off the floor and proceeded to color the couch with it, right underneath where I was sitting. I sat there for a second in disbelief before I sprang into action. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!! YOU ARE SPENDING THE REST OF THE EVENING IN YOUR ROOM!!" With that, I shut his bedroom door.
As if that wasn't enough, after an hour he comes out of his room and says, "Mom, I need to wipe off my tongue." I thought it was a ploy to get out of his room. "What is on your tongue?" I got a little closer to him and saw a soap-like substance on his mouth. "What did you get into?" He started at me as if I was stupid. "You NEED to tell me what you ate! It's important, it could make you sick!" He took me into his bedroom and showed me that he had eaten a whole stick of deoderant that his brother had left on his dresser. I asked him why he ate it and his response was, "Because I was mad I had to stay in my room." What am I supposed to do with that?!
So, I helped him to get some water in his mouth and spit. I had him lay down on his bed and I had to call the emergency number for my foster parenting agency to let them know that he had eaten deoderant. They advised me to call Poison Control. I called them and they said he should be okay but to check on him and call them back in an hour. They were concerned since they had never heard of a kid eating a whole stick of deoderant, just a bite and then spitting it out. He was fine. I was not.
I could not believe that he did that! The whole time I was on the phone I was so irritated!! Who does that? Who eats deoderant when they are mad? Who colors on the couch, right underneath their unbelieving mother? This kid must love to be in trouble! I had no clue where to go from here. He is a strong-willed child to be sure and those kind of children are difficult to raise. I wanted to call my Mom so bad! I have tried everything....grounding from TV and outside, taking away toys to the point that he didn't have any in his room anymore, taking away desserts, making him stay in his room, having him go to bed early, sitting in the naughty spot, even taking away fun activities. What else can I do? I cannot spank him, which is sometimes difficult because when push comes to shove I will spank my daughter. You can't spank foster kids though. They do not know the difference between abuse and discipline.
I seriously thought he had lost his ever loving mind. I needed a break. I called my case manager and asked her if he could go to respite for a few days so I could collect my bearings. He went to stay with a family that has become close to my heart. They are an awesome and God loving couple and they love my boys. I had told the wife the situation and she said she would reinforce that he needs to treat me with respect and try to figure out if there is anything that is behind his behaviors, other than the obvious.
After he left, I felt relief. I had been walking on eggshells for a while. That night I went to bed and I prayed, "Lord, I need some Divine strategy. I know that my son is in my home for a purpose. You put him here. I don't know what to do with him anymore. Can you help me please? Put in me what is going to help him get through this rough time, Father. Help me to reach him. I know he is only acting this way to me because he knows I will always be there so he can unleash his anger and frustration on me. I have been there through the ups and downs. I feel like he is trying to make me mad so I will lose it. I don't want that and I know you don't either. Please, restore the peace in my home and help me to help him."
A few days later I went to get him and he was doing the same things. I didn't react to it. I just kept thinking about the stupid things I did after my Mom died. I had just got divorced but didn't really want to be alone. My solution to that? I became a serial dater. Oh, I didn't sleep with any of them but I dated a lot. Like maybe 15 people in 6 months. I never really could make it past the 3rd date. I even had a system if I was bored with the date. I would have my sister in law call about 30 minutes in. If I wanted to get out of there, I would pretend that she was calling because my daughter had hurt herself and I needed to leave. Isn't that horrible?Maybe he really doesn't know why he is acting out. I didn't. I didn't want anyone to get too close to me, but I didn't want to be unattached either. Needless to say, I got over that. I haven't been on a date in 3 years. No, I didn't go from one extreme to another. I'm just waiting for God to send me the right one.
We all went to bed that night and I walked through the house praying. I pled the blood of Jesus over my home and children. I prayed warring angels to protect them through the night. I demanded that anything not of my Father to leave. This is my sanctuary. I literally prayed heaven down over my home and children. Then, I went to bed myself. I woke up the next morning with a new strategy. I was going to win my son over with praise. I felt like he was just trying to get my attention, so I was going to give it to him. I was going to let him know that I see him, and I love him.
At this point, he was throwing fits about everything. I would ask him to put his plate in the sink and he would throw himself down. So I started with little things. "Honey, you shut that door! Thank you for that! That made me so happy!! Give me a high five!" "Oh, look! You buckled your seat belt! Good job! Look how big you are!" Yeah, sounds corny right? But, it worked! This morning you know what I said? "Wowie! You made your bed and I didn't even ask you to?!! That's incredible honey! My heart is so big and happy right now!" He gave me a little giggle and huge little boy grin that made my heart soar. All he wanted to know was that I notice him. He wanted to know in his heart that I love him. Actions speak louder than words, at least that's how I feel. I showed him by clapping and dancing around like a mad woman when he did the smallest thing that was positive, even if it was just shutting the door behind himself without slamming it.
It has been only 3 days since he got back from respite, one week since the deoderant incident. Things are going amazing. The big test was tonight. We went to a resteraunt and had to wait 45 minutes for our food. It really was rediculous. There were 3 adults and 6 kids there and my youngest son was the best behaved of us all. He didn't yell or complain or run around. He didn't even roll his eyes! He just sat there. In fact, I got irritated and said how frustrating it was that we were having to wait so long. He said, "Mom, don't worry. They are working on it." On the way home, he was singing 'He is jealous for me' at the top of his lungs. I didn't even have the radio on. How's about them apples?
See, God does care about even the little things. He cares that I was at my breaking point with my son. He heard my cries of frustration and helped. Let me tell you, there is no way I could have come up with that one on my own! My Father knew exactly what my son needed. Thank you Lord for being the master of my home! Thank you for always listening to me. There is no way I could make it through the day without Your grace and love. Thank you for putting in me to love these foster children right past their pain and anger to the core of their little hearts. Thank you for using me as a vessle to heal their emotional wounds and give them a childhood. Thank you God, for loving me the same way. You know, I can freely give these kids this love only because it was given to me. God healed me of my pain and hurt. He stitched me right back together and gave me a purpose. What the enemy intended for my destruction, my Father and redeemer used it for good. How else could I relate to these kids?
Okay....a little side note here. I just had to let you guys know that my brood has increased. I already have my daughter who is 9, my foster sons who are 3 and 6. A few days ago I got a 14 month old little girl! Yay! She is so precious and the happiest little thing you have ever met. She may even be a better baby than my daughter was, and that's saying something! Shhh, don't tell her I said that! In case you have lost count, that is 4 children I have. They are thinking about placing one more with me at the end of the month and then I will be all full up. Can you believe it? Isn't God so good? My home is bursting at the seams with love and children. Does life get much better than this?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I think I can, I think I can....
I know you have been waiting patiently so here it is, the first one of my blogs about my Mexico trip. It is hard to believe that I have been back now for 3 weeks. It was such an incredible time. I felt like I stretched my faith muscles. As necessary as it is for God to work on you like that from time to time, it can also be a very painful thing. I really hope that after hearing some of my experiences that it will encourage you to step out in faith and do a little mission work too. Everyone can do at least short-term missions. I was there for only a week. Hey, if I can do it, you better believe that you can too!
I knew when I first found out about this trip that it was going to be pretty amazing and life-changing for me. First of all, I was going to be going by myself. Don't get me wrong, I was going with other team members but I wasn't going to be going with any of my kids. My daughter is 9 years old. It has been at least that long since I have gone more than 2 days without her. Plus, I have been doing fostercare for more than a year now. So I have had at least 3 kids pretty much always around me for the last year. I am a Mom. It's what I do. I'm more than that but that is the season that I am in right now. Being away from all of them for a week was a little exciting, but mostly frightening.
Would they be okay? Would they think that I was leaving them forever? All my kids have issues that makes them scared that I might die or just leave and they would be alone. Even my daughter. They have all had important people in their lives leave them at a critical time. I had known about the mission trip since January so I had time to pray over them and talk it up to them. I assured them that I would be okay, a weeks not that long, nothing will happen to me. I'm not who I was reassuring the most, them or me. My neice called me about a week before I left and asked if it would be possible for them to hire an armed guard to be around me at all times. How precious is that? I told them all that I would be perfectly safe. I was going to a safe area, and wouldn't ever go anywhere by myself.
Even after all that, my kids were acting crazy the week before I left. Oh, they act crazy a good portion of the time, but they were working over time! I knew why. They were anxious and worried. Even though I knew that, it was hard to deal with because my own anxiety level was pretty high. I was worried about them, worried that they were feeling abandoned. I knew I probably would in their shoes. I had a tough one with that. We all prayed together as a family to get through it.
Then on the other hand, I had people who I know and love who thought I was crazy for going in the first place. 'You're a single mom, you have foster kids, you can't afford to take off work, why don't you do mission trips in the US.....the list goes on and on. My response was, "I have to go where God calls me. I'm nervous, but I'm excited. I have plans for my boys to stay at respite and my daughter is staying with my brother and his wife and then later going to my friends house. They are all excited that I get this opprotunity. Don't you want me to have this experience?" They looked at me kind of funny, but didn't bring it up again. Most of these people are not believers, or at least not a sold-out believer like I am. I will go where He sends me. Period, end of story. It was difficult to deal with at first but as the time got closer, I got more excited and it didn't bother me anymore.
The night before I left, all 4 of us slept in the living room. I was up late packing and then had a hard time sleeping. I prayed my way through it and finally slept about 4 hours. We all got up, the kids went to school after lots of hugs and kisses. I drove to Sterling to see my Grandma before I left. She is kind of my surrogate Mom. The loss of my mom was easier for us both because we could lean on one anotherin our greif. She can't replace my mom and I can't replace her daughter, but we can be their for each other. Her love and encouragement have seen me through some really tough times the last few years! She is so precious to me! Anyway, we visited for an hour or so and prayed. It was an awesome time. I drove back here to Great Bend and my friends came to pick me up to drive to Tulsa about an hour later.
That hour was very long for me. Doubts were running through my head like crazy. What am I doing? This Kansas girl who doesn't wear dresses, doesn't like to sweat, and has never been on an airplane is going to Mexico? Because of the culture there I would have to wear dresses, it's super hot and humid so I would sweat like crazy, and I have been known to be slightly clausterphobic!! What am I doing? I can't do this!!!!
Here is where I got down on my knees...."Father, you are the author and finisher of my faith. You have ordained this trip. There is no other way these things could have fallen into place to allow me to go. Thank you that when I am weakest is when You are at Your best. I love you and I trust you, Lord. Holy Spirit, give me peace. Give me the grace to get in the truck when my friends come. Keep me safe, keep my children safe. Thank you that we are all in the palm of Your gracious hand." I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. I could do this. Anything that my Father wants me to do, I can do. He won't give me more than I can handle.
Okay, I do realize that this was a teaser, but it would take a small book to write it all. So instead of that, I am going to write several blogs. Until next time.......
I knew when I first found out about this trip that it was going to be pretty amazing and life-changing for me. First of all, I was going to be going by myself. Don't get me wrong, I was going with other team members but I wasn't going to be going with any of my kids. My daughter is 9 years old. It has been at least that long since I have gone more than 2 days without her. Plus, I have been doing fostercare for more than a year now. So I have had at least 3 kids pretty much always around me for the last year. I am a Mom. It's what I do. I'm more than that but that is the season that I am in right now. Being away from all of them for a week was a little exciting, but mostly frightening.
Would they be okay? Would they think that I was leaving them forever? All my kids have issues that makes them scared that I might die or just leave and they would be alone. Even my daughter. They have all had important people in their lives leave them at a critical time. I had known about the mission trip since January so I had time to pray over them and talk it up to them. I assured them that I would be okay, a weeks not that long, nothing will happen to me. I'm not who I was reassuring the most, them or me. My neice called me about a week before I left and asked if it would be possible for them to hire an armed guard to be around me at all times. How precious is that? I told them all that I would be perfectly safe. I was going to a safe area, and wouldn't ever go anywhere by myself.
Even after all that, my kids were acting crazy the week before I left. Oh, they act crazy a good portion of the time, but they were working over time! I knew why. They were anxious and worried. Even though I knew that, it was hard to deal with because my own anxiety level was pretty high. I was worried about them, worried that they were feeling abandoned. I knew I probably would in their shoes. I had a tough one with that. We all prayed together as a family to get through it.
Then on the other hand, I had people who I know and love who thought I was crazy for going in the first place. 'You're a single mom, you have foster kids, you can't afford to take off work, why don't you do mission trips in the US.....the list goes on and on. My response was, "I have to go where God calls me. I'm nervous, but I'm excited. I have plans for my boys to stay at respite and my daughter is staying with my brother and his wife and then later going to my friends house. They are all excited that I get this opprotunity. Don't you want me to have this experience?" They looked at me kind of funny, but didn't bring it up again. Most of these people are not believers, or at least not a sold-out believer like I am. I will go where He sends me. Period, end of story. It was difficult to deal with at first but as the time got closer, I got more excited and it didn't bother me anymore.
The night before I left, all 4 of us slept in the living room. I was up late packing and then had a hard time sleeping. I prayed my way through it and finally slept about 4 hours. We all got up, the kids went to school after lots of hugs and kisses. I drove to Sterling to see my Grandma before I left. She is kind of my surrogate Mom. The loss of my mom was easier for us both because we could lean on one anotherin our greif. She can't replace my mom and I can't replace her daughter, but we can be their for each other. Her love and encouragement have seen me through some really tough times the last few years! She is so precious to me! Anyway, we visited for an hour or so and prayed. It was an awesome time. I drove back here to Great Bend and my friends came to pick me up to drive to Tulsa about an hour later.
That hour was very long for me. Doubts were running through my head like crazy. What am I doing? This Kansas girl who doesn't wear dresses, doesn't like to sweat, and has never been on an airplane is going to Mexico? Because of the culture there I would have to wear dresses, it's super hot and humid so I would sweat like crazy, and I have been known to be slightly clausterphobic!! What am I doing? I can't do this!!!!
Here is where I got down on my knees...."Father, you are the author and finisher of my faith. You have ordained this trip. There is no other way these things could have fallen into place to allow me to go. Thank you that when I am weakest is when You are at Your best. I love you and I trust you, Lord. Holy Spirit, give me peace. Give me the grace to get in the truck when my friends come. Keep me safe, keep my children safe. Thank you that we are all in the palm of Your gracious hand." I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. I could do this. Anything that my Father wants me to do, I can do. He won't give me more than I can handle.
Okay, I do realize that this was a teaser, but it would take a small book to write it all. So instead of that, I am going to write several blogs. Until next time.......
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Funny Girls!
Okay so here is another blog that is not going to be about my mission trip. I promise I will get to it but there has been some funny stuff going on at my house this week that I just have to share with you guys. The last blog was kind of serious and that's okay. It was probably the most personal one I have written yet. It took a lot of prayer for me to write that and share it with you guys. Sometimes it's really hard to put myself out there like that but a lot of people responded postively so I think it was worth it.
On Sunday, I went to pick up my 8 year old neice so she could come stay with me for a week. Her and I both have really been looking forward to her coming because I haven't really spent any one on one time with her. She is on of 3 girls and I always have a house full of kids so it has pretty much gotten put on the back burner. I was bound and determined that when she came, I was going to find that time.
On Monday, we did. The boys were on an all day visit with their Mom and my daughter was with a friend for a few hours in the morning so we decided to take advantage of it. We decided to go grocery shopping. I was wearing a summer dress with a chunky necklace so I was feeling pretty good. I know, shocking right? I said I never wear dresses and that was one thing I was worried about when I went to Mexico! Well, I came to realize that if you wear the right dress, they are very cooling and comfy to the point of feeling like you are wearing pajamas. Plus, they are just plain cute. Needless to say, that is one of the things that God dealt with me on my trip. So now this jeans and boots girl is a summer dress girl! Who would have ever thought?
When we got to the grocery store it has started to sprinkle a little bit. I wasn't too worried because shopping for food always takes me a while. I have a list in one hand and coupons in the other. It's serious business. I have to go every day that I work for the Bistro so I really don't like to go to the store anymore than is absolutely necessary. When I shop, I buy for like a month or so at a time so I don't have to worry about it. We were visiting and she was helping me pick out stuff. About halfway through I hear a crack of thunder and it starts pouring rain so hard that I had a hard time hearing my neice talk, and she was standing right next to me! I was thinking to myself, "We are only halfway through. It will have stopped by the time we are done." I was wrong. We walked out front and it was still raining cats and dogs. I looked at my neice and she looked at me. I said, "Okay, we are going to make a run for it. You get in the car and I will load the groceries." She looked up at me and replied, "No, Aunt Hannah. If you are going to get wet then I will too." What a trooper!
We loaded our cart full of groceries into the back of the car and hopped in. We were literally so wet that it looked like we had taken a shower with our clothes on. We got everything in the house, changed, and then started to put stuff away. When we were reorganizing the fridge so we could fit everything we bought in it, she told me,"Aunt Hannah, did you know that your name sounds really good with 'Aunt' in front of it?" I smiled at her. "You know what? You are right. It does sound good like that doesn't it?" "Yep, I think God made you especially to be an Aunt. You are really good at it!" How precious is she? I love these little moments!
The next day the boys had another all day visit with their Mom. Both girls knew it so when we said their goodnight prayers, they prayed for it to be warm enough for us to go to the pool. They were really excited about the prospect of going without the little guys tagging along. They love them, but sometimes they really cramp their style. Anyone who has little brothers understands that one, right? This is how it went. I will call them Red and Blondie to clarify the difference....
Red - "Dear Lord, we really want to go swimming tomorrow. Tomorrow is the only day that we can go without the boys because Mom says when they are here we can't leave them out because it's rude."
Blondie - "Yeah, God. I understand why Aunt Hannah says that because I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I do really want to go without them. The best way to do that is to make the rain stop so that we can go swimming tomorrow when they are gone. Then they won't have to know so it won't hurt their feelings."
Red - "Thanks God! Love you goodnight!"
Blondie - "Yeah, goodnight God! And can you please make the puppies come in my dreams so I won't have nightmares? Thanks. Love you!"
Red and Blondie in unison - "Amen"
Red to Blondie - "Don't worry. I know that it will be sunny tomorrow because Mom says when two or more agree and pray that God pays extra special attention."
Blondie - "Cool! Aunt Hannah is so smart!"
They went to sleep without another word. I know I have said it before, but it bares repeating. My kids are such an inspiration to me. They slept without a worry because they had gone before their Heavenly Father with prayer and appreciation with their request and they had faith that it would happen. And it did. We got to so swimming the next day. I aspire to be more like that. I pray about and say that I give my worries and problems over to God. The tricky part is not picking that worry back up. I need to just leave it with Him and trust that He will take care of it. He can and will. After all, He is God. If He created the heaven and the earth than He can take care of my piddly problems, piece of cake. Thank you Lord for my children and these precious moments. Thank you for using them to remind me of the childlike faith that You want me to have.
PS With these funny, silly kids around me all the time, is it any wonder that I don't have cable? Who needs it?!
On Sunday, I went to pick up my 8 year old neice so she could come stay with me for a week. Her and I both have really been looking forward to her coming because I haven't really spent any one on one time with her. She is on of 3 girls and I always have a house full of kids so it has pretty much gotten put on the back burner. I was bound and determined that when she came, I was going to find that time.
On Monday, we did. The boys were on an all day visit with their Mom and my daughter was with a friend for a few hours in the morning so we decided to take advantage of it. We decided to go grocery shopping. I was wearing a summer dress with a chunky necklace so I was feeling pretty good. I know, shocking right? I said I never wear dresses and that was one thing I was worried about when I went to Mexico! Well, I came to realize that if you wear the right dress, they are very cooling and comfy to the point of feeling like you are wearing pajamas. Plus, they are just plain cute. Needless to say, that is one of the things that God dealt with me on my trip. So now this jeans and boots girl is a summer dress girl! Who would have ever thought?
When we got to the grocery store it has started to sprinkle a little bit. I wasn't too worried because shopping for food always takes me a while. I have a list in one hand and coupons in the other. It's serious business. I have to go every day that I work for the Bistro so I really don't like to go to the store anymore than is absolutely necessary. When I shop, I buy for like a month or so at a time so I don't have to worry about it. We were visiting and she was helping me pick out stuff. About halfway through I hear a crack of thunder and it starts pouring rain so hard that I had a hard time hearing my neice talk, and she was standing right next to me! I was thinking to myself, "We are only halfway through. It will have stopped by the time we are done." I was wrong. We walked out front and it was still raining cats and dogs. I looked at my neice and she looked at me. I said, "Okay, we are going to make a run for it. You get in the car and I will load the groceries." She looked up at me and replied, "No, Aunt Hannah. If you are going to get wet then I will too." What a trooper!
We loaded our cart full of groceries into the back of the car and hopped in. We were literally so wet that it looked like we had taken a shower with our clothes on. We got everything in the house, changed, and then started to put stuff away. When we were reorganizing the fridge so we could fit everything we bought in it, she told me,"Aunt Hannah, did you know that your name sounds really good with 'Aunt' in front of it?" I smiled at her. "You know what? You are right. It does sound good like that doesn't it?" "Yep, I think God made you especially to be an Aunt. You are really good at it!" How precious is she? I love these little moments!
The next day the boys had another all day visit with their Mom. Both girls knew it so when we said their goodnight prayers, they prayed for it to be warm enough for us to go to the pool. They were really excited about the prospect of going without the little guys tagging along. They love them, but sometimes they really cramp their style. Anyone who has little brothers understands that one, right? This is how it went. I will call them Red and Blondie to clarify the difference....
Red - "Dear Lord, we really want to go swimming tomorrow. Tomorrow is the only day that we can go without the boys because Mom says when they are here we can't leave them out because it's rude."
Blondie - "Yeah, God. I understand why Aunt Hannah says that because I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I do really want to go without them. The best way to do that is to make the rain stop so that we can go swimming tomorrow when they are gone. Then they won't have to know so it won't hurt their feelings."
Red - "Thanks God! Love you goodnight!"
Blondie - "Yeah, goodnight God! And can you please make the puppies come in my dreams so I won't have nightmares? Thanks. Love you!"
Red and Blondie in unison - "Amen"
Red to Blondie - "Don't worry. I know that it will be sunny tomorrow because Mom says when two or more agree and pray that God pays extra special attention."
Blondie - "Cool! Aunt Hannah is so smart!"
They went to sleep without another word. I know I have said it before, but it bares repeating. My kids are such an inspiration to me. They slept without a worry because they had gone before their Heavenly Father with prayer and appreciation with their request and they had faith that it would happen. And it did. We got to so swimming the next day. I aspire to be more like that. I pray about and say that I give my worries and problems over to God. The tricky part is not picking that worry back up. I need to just leave it with Him and trust that He will take care of it. He can and will. After all, He is God. If He created the heaven and the earth than He can take care of my piddly problems, piece of cake. Thank you Lord for my children and these precious moments. Thank you for using them to remind me of the childlike faith that You want me to have.
PS With these funny, silly kids around me all the time, is it any wonder that I don't have cable? Who needs it?!
Monday, June 7, 2010
My Divine Romance
Okay, I know you guys are going to expect for me to write about the amazing things that happened on my trip. After all, I have been home for a week now so I should have had time to process stuff and have enough material for several blogs right? Well, I do and I will get to those. However, Saturday night I just had this revelation that I need to share with you guys.
Like I have said before, God made me a promise about my husband back in September. It hasn't been easy to try to be patient. Right after that, God laid on my heart Hebrews 10:23 and I have typed it up and it has been tacked on my hallway wall ever since. While I was in Mexico, God was dealing with me some more about my husband and his promises. I will have to tell you more about that later. I am more at peace with that than I have been in a long time.
I was laying in my bed and having a hard time falling asleep. When my mind won't settle down I have made it my routine to talk to my Heavenly Father and kind of let my mind wander where it wants. These are the times when I have had some truley incredible, divine breakthroughs. I think that that is when God talks to me the most. I am not moving and my body is relaxed and my kids are asleep so it's like he has my undivided attention. Like one on one time between me and my Daddy. These times really are precious to me.
I was laying there and thinking about what I needed my husband to be. I needed him to be the spirtually strong leader of my home. I need him to be an incredible father to my children, especially my daughter. She is my precious one. I love my foster kids like they are my own, don't get me wrong. But my daughter is such a shining light. She is so incredibly loving and sweet. I have blogged about this before but she really needs a daddy that will love her and cherish her and tell her how amazing she is. A man that will treat her heart with tender, loving care. I would want him to be a prayer warrior. I would want him to be my protector. Someone that will walk through life with me. I want him to cherish me and think that I am the most incredible woman that he has ever met. That's not too much to ask. I know it's not because that's what my Daddy wants for me. Not only am I His princess and beloved daughter, but so are my kids. He does not want just any man to be in our lives. He has a specific one picked out.
Then I was thinking how wonderful it will be when I meet him. Awesome and nerveracking at the same time. This will be the man that I will spend the rest of my life with! I have never had anyone love me that much or treat me that good. Oh, to be courted and romanced by my husband....it will be a completely new experience for me. How exciting to know that I don't have to settle! God doesn't want me to! He wants only the best for me. You have no idea how liberating that is! To know that he is not something that I have to seek out or wish upon a star.....this is going to happen. Thank you God!
So, as all these things are running through my head an undeniable fact zinged through my spirit. I have been courted and loved and cherished like that.
A year ago, I was having surgery to have a tumor removed. I prayed to God like I always did when I needed something but it was different this time. As I was being wheeled into the operating room, I had this undeniable peace. I was okay. From that point on, my life was changed. God started romancing me. He led me to this church that I had an incredible and extremely personal encounter with Him. I asked Him to be the Lord of my life for the last time. I wanted nothing else. No matter what it took, I wanted to follow Him. I wanted that peace to be with me for the rest of my life. I would die of thirst without it. Once you have tasted that kind of peace and love, it's intoxicating. You cannot live without it. I could not go back. I was hooked. I was in love.
It was a very scary thing. I had been hurt severely by family, friends, and ex-husbands. I had built my walls so high and thick I thought no one would ever get through to my heart. To let someone in would mean they would have the power to hurt me. I could never let them see the real me. I could never let anyone see my pain and fear. God gently broke through them all. He wanted my heart. He wouldn't stop until He had all of me. You see, once I gave myself to Him, He claimed me. I was His. He wanted to heal me from the inside out. He came to restore. He came to love. He came to overcome all the hurt that had been done to me.
When I could no longer be around some of my family or friends because they couldn't understand the new me, He was there. That was a new kind of hurt. I am a very social person and it was hard to have no one to talk to. It was a lonely few months. He drew me closer to Him. I really pressed in and cried out to God and poured my hurt at His feet. He then provided awesome Christian friends that are so close to me that they are my spiritual family.
He healed me from my past abusive relationships. He let me know that marriage isn't ownership by putting awesome Christian couples in my life. I knew that for them, God was in the middle of their marriage and that's what made the difference. Their marriages were solid partnerships.
He has been faithful and good. He has shown me beautiful things. He has given me incredible hope where there was none before. He filled up this empty shell into something useful. Not only useful, but lovely. He has made me who I am. He loves me. I am His cherished one. He even brought me all the way to Mexico to see and experinence indescribable things. He gave me the beauty of the flowers, the ocean, the birds, and the freeing worship there. He put me in a place that was quiet and I was a bit out of my element with no kids to take care of. I had to focus on me. He wanted me to slow down for a minute.
He is truley the lover of my soul. I am smack dab in the middle of a divine romance. I have been being courted for most of my life. I have only just now become aware of it. Let me tell you something, it is the most humbling thing. How can I ever repay all the things the He has done for me? He doens't even want anything in return! He wants me to have the best things in life, just because that's who He is. Is it any wonder that I am head over heels for my Lord and Savior? I am on fire for Him!
You have no idea how that made me feel. I finally connected the dots. I don't have to wait to feel that kind of love. I experience it every day! Don't get me wrong, I am still looking forward to meeting my husband and all the wonderful things that will go along with it. It's just that I don't need my husband to complete me. I'm going to remember to always keep God first in my life because only by His grace am I here at all. I can only imagine how it will be when I meet the man who feels the same way about my God that I do! Thank you God for your faithfulness and your love. I recieve it! I want nothing more than to live my life for You. Thank you for making me whole again. Thank you for saving my life.
Okay I have saved the best news for last....all this can be yours too! God wants to be the lover of your soul, your restorer, your redeemer. He is waiting to start romancing you. Just wait and see! You think this little bit of my story is awesome, He has something special in mind just for yoiu. He knows you and He loves you. He has been waiting all your life for you to come back home. I can't wait to hear about your very own divine romance!
Like I have said before, God made me a promise about my husband back in September. It hasn't been easy to try to be patient. Right after that, God laid on my heart Hebrews 10:23 and I have typed it up and it has been tacked on my hallway wall ever since. While I was in Mexico, God was dealing with me some more about my husband and his promises. I will have to tell you more about that later. I am more at peace with that than I have been in a long time.
I was laying in my bed and having a hard time falling asleep. When my mind won't settle down I have made it my routine to talk to my Heavenly Father and kind of let my mind wander where it wants. These are the times when I have had some truley incredible, divine breakthroughs. I think that that is when God talks to me the most. I am not moving and my body is relaxed and my kids are asleep so it's like he has my undivided attention. Like one on one time between me and my Daddy. These times really are precious to me.
I was laying there and thinking about what I needed my husband to be. I needed him to be the spirtually strong leader of my home. I need him to be an incredible father to my children, especially my daughter. She is my precious one. I love my foster kids like they are my own, don't get me wrong. But my daughter is such a shining light. She is so incredibly loving and sweet. I have blogged about this before but she really needs a daddy that will love her and cherish her and tell her how amazing she is. A man that will treat her heart with tender, loving care. I would want him to be a prayer warrior. I would want him to be my protector. Someone that will walk through life with me. I want him to cherish me and think that I am the most incredible woman that he has ever met. That's not too much to ask. I know it's not because that's what my Daddy wants for me. Not only am I His princess and beloved daughter, but so are my kids. He does not want just any man to be in our lives. He has a specific one picked out.
Then I was thinking how wonderful it will be when I meet him. Awesome and nerveracking at the same time. This will be the man that I will spend the rest of my life with! I have never had anyone love me that much or treat me that good. Oh, to be courted and romanced by my husband....it will be a completely new experience for me. How exciting to know that I don't have to settle! God doesn't want me to! He wants only the best for me. You have no idea how liberating that is! To know that he is not something that I have to seek out or wish upon a star.....this is going to happen. Thank you God!
So, as all these things are running through my head an undeniable fact zinged through my spirit. I have been courted and loved and cherished like that.
A year ago, I was having surgery to have a tumor removed. I prayed to God like I always did when I needed something but it was different this time. As I was being wheeled into the operating room, I had this undeniable peace. I was okay. From that point on, my life was changed. God started romancing me. He led me to this church that I had an incredible and extremely personal encounter with Him. I asked Him to be the Lord of my life for the last time. I wanted nothing else. No matter what it took, I wanted to follow Him. I wanted that peace to be with me for the rest of my life. I would die of thirst without it. Once you have tasted that kind of peace and love, it's intoxicating. You cannot live without it. I could not go back. I was hooked. I was in love.
It was a very scary thing. I had been hurt severely by family, friends, and ex-husbands. I had built my walls so high and thick I thought no one would ever get through to my heart. To let someone in would mean they would have the power to hurt me. I could never let them see the real me. I could never let anyone see my pain and fear. God gently broke through them all. He wanted my heart. He wouldn't stop until He had all of me. You see, once I gave myself to Him, He claimed me. I was His. He wanted to heal me from the inside out. He came to restore. He came to love. He came to overcome all the hurt that had been done to me.
When I could no longer be around some of my family or friends because they couldn't understand the new me, He was there. That was a new kind of hurt. I am a very social person and it was hard to have no one to talk to. It was a lonely few months. He drew me closer to Him. I really pressed in and cried out to God and poured my hurt at His feet. He then provided awesome Christian friends that are so close to me that they are my spiritual family.
He healed me from my past abusive relationships. He let me know that marriage isn't ownership by putting awesome Christian couples in my life. I knew that for them, God was in the middle of their marriage and that's what made the difference. Their marriages were solid partnerships.
He has been faithful and good. He has shown me beautiful things. He has given me incredible hope where there was none before. He filled up this empty shell into something useful. Not only useful, but lovely. He has made me who I am. He loves me. I am His cherished one. He even brought me all the way to Mexico to see and experinence indescribable things. He gave me the beauty of the flowers, the ocean, the birds, and the freeing worship there. He put me in a place that was quiet and I was a bit out of my element with no kids to take care of. I had to focus on me. He wanted me to slow down for a minute.
He is truley the lover of my soul. I am smack dab in the middle of a divine romance. I have been being courted for most of my life. I have only just now become aware of it. Let me tell you something, it is the most humbling thing. How can I ever repay all the things the He has done for me? He doens't even want anything in return! He wants me to have the best things in life, just because that's who He is. Is it any wonder that I am head over heels for my Lord and Savior? I am on fire for Him!
You have no idea how that made me feel. I finally connected the dots. I don't have to wait to feel that kind of love. I experience it every day! Don't get me wrong, I am still looking forward to meeting my husband and all the wonderful things that will go along with it. It's just that I don't need my husband to complete me. I'm going to remember to always keep God first in my life because only by His grace am I here at all. I can only imagine how it will be when I meet the man who feels the same way about my God that I do! Thank you God for your faithfulness and your love. I recieve it! I want nothing more than to live my life for You. Thank you for making me whole again. Thank you for saving my life.
Okay I have saved the best news for last....all this can be yours too! God wants to be the lover of your soul, your restorer, your redeemer. He is waiting to start romancing you. Just wait and see! You think this little bit of my story is awesome, He has something special in mind just for yoiu. He knows you and He loves you. He has been waiting all your life for you to come back home. I can't wait to hear about your very own divine romance!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Stress and relief
Hey my blogger buddies! I have had some ideas for some blogs for a while now but I couldn't sit down to focus my thoughts. I have too much stuff running around in my head to not write tonight. There has been so much awesome stuff happening this week that I just had to share!
This week started out pretty frustrating. My boss is out of the country on a much deserved cruise, so I have been running his little Bistro by myself. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal but I didn't consider everything else I would have going on at the same time. I had 3 finals this week on top of the kids and my other job. I realized it would be a little more stressful than I planned. The timing wasn't real great but that's okay. I could handle it.
Then, I got a phone call on Saturday, the day my boss was leaving town. One of our regular customers wanted a catering job done to be picked up Monday afternoon! That was an awesome blessing for the business, but stress city for me! Not only would I be running the Bistro by myself, I would be doing the catering job by myself. Oh, and did I mention I have never actually done the catering side before? My boss and his wife had always done that part. Well, I guess everyone has to learn somehow. Sometimes, I just wonder why it seems that I always have to learn by being thrown into things headfirst!
Needless to say, I made it through the day just fine. I didn't even pull all my hair out. I got the job done and the customer seemed pleased. Score 1 for Hannah! Afterwards, I felt pretty good. I had proven myself capable of swimming when I was thrown in the deep end. Go me!
On Tuesday I decided that I needed to get a few capris and shirts for my trip next week. I was kicking myself because at the end of last Summer I threw away all my shorts and capris. I had been wearing the same ones for 3 years and was sick of them. I figured since I will be in Mexico in May, it is bound to be hot. I won't be able to wear my jeans and boots there and be comfortable. Shuckie-darn! I had the horrible task of going shopping in my favorite store.....teehee!
Anyway, I get there and my regular sales girls weren't there. The store was being run by a bunch of teenage girls I didn't know. I went and picked out things to try on and my daughter and I went in the dressing room. I found a few things I liked but needed different sizes, one bigger and one smaller. I sent my daughter out with the items to give to the salespeople. I stood there in my underwear for 10 minutes. I started to get chilly so I put on my clothes and went out to find out what was taking so long. Immediately I see my daughter at the front counter, standing by a sales associate who was talking to another sales associate, my clothes in her hand. The other girl leaves and the girl holding my clothes starts wandering around aimlessly.
My daughter looks at me and shrugs. I said, "What is she doing? Didn't you give her those shorts?" "I did Mom. She just now started looking for them. She has been talking to that other girl." She replied. My eyebrows raised. My temper was starting to rise. My daughter could tell too. I walked over to the girl, my daughter close on my heels. She had begun to talk to the other associate who was working. I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, I sent my daughter to you 10 minutes ago with 2 pairs of shorts to get me different sizes." She looked confused. She looked at the clothing in her hand and then looked back at me. "Oh, yeah. Well, I like, couldn't find the right size." Then, she popped her gum and stared at me. My eyebrows got higher. My daughter was getting nervous. She knows when my eyebrows disappear into my hairline, I am not at all happy and someone else is getting ready to not be happy right along with me.
However, instead of blowing up I went back to the dressing room and put on my shoes. On my way out the door I asked when the manager was going to be in. They told me and I stalked away. I was super frustrated! I had never been treated that way in that store. I shop there so much that the sales people know my name. They even know my size and help me pick out clothes because they know the style of stuff I like. They know the names and ages of my kids too. Where am I going to get my clothes now? Plus, we are in Kansas so what is with the Valley Girl accents? Like, get real, like. Grrrr!!
I went home frustrated. I sat and stewed for a while and then got over it. I can always go in when different people are there. Those girls just made me feel like I was beneath them. I really don't like it when people do that. To be fair though, I am sometimes sensitive to stuff like that so I have to take that particular feeling with a grain of salt. Tomorrow was a new day and I had plenty of time to shop.
Wednesday was the morning I was going to cut out my dresses. Yes, I did say dresses. As a respect to their culture, the women on the mission base have to wear skirts in services and when they leave the base. We will be worshiping and leaving the base almost every day. This presented a problem to this girl who never wears dresses. I decided it would be a better idea to have my sister-in-law sew me some flowy dresses than to wear a shirt with a skirt. We went to cut it out and the pattern was too small for me!
I know that patterns run small because I used to help my Mom sew all the time. When we made my 8th grade graduation formal, we had to get a pattern that was 2 sizes bigger than the clothes I wear off the rack. I knew all that, but it still upset me. I sat down and cried. If I knew about this trip 5 months ago, why aren't I 50 pounds lighter? Why didn't I spend every waking minute exercising and dieting? I mean, I'm not a cow but I'm not skinny minny either. I am a woman with real curves. I was really depressed now. I was even starting to not want to go. So instead of crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head, I called a good friend of mine.
Somehow she managed to understand my dilemma through my tears. She gave me a Mom worthy pep talk. The things she told me really made sense. I went something like this...."You have been looking forward to this trip for long time. People have been saying that whole time that you are going to have incredible experiences there. Do you think the enemy want you there, knowing it will be a life changing experience for you? No way! Besides, you are not that big. I don't want you to say that you are thinking about not going, because you are going. In fact, all this trouble should make you even more excited. You wouldn't be having all these problems now, if amazing things weren't going to happen there." We talked about some other things. Before I got off the phone she told me that before I bought anything I should come to her house. She has some clothes that were too small she thought I would like.
I was feeling much better after our talk. I went to drop my youngest off at the babysitters and headed to her house. She was grinning and said for me to sit down and look through the trash sack full of things she had put together. I sat down and started pulling things out one by one. Every single thing in there was my style and my size! I looked up at her with my jaw dropped. A few things even had tags on them! "Where did you get all this?" "Well, I have had this stuff for a while. I just couldn't get rid of it. When I was going through these clothes to put some together for you I just kept thinking, 'Okay God, You are so funny!" I could not believe it! If I hadn't been late to work already, I probably would have given her a little fashion show right then and there, just to see if everything fit.
I got home and tried the clothes on and all but 2 shirts fit me like they were made for me! I can't make this stuff up! I was on cloud 9! My Heavenly Daddy saw my frustration and provided me with clothes for this trip! There are still a few things I have to get but I'm pretty well set. Oh, and my sister-in-laws Grandma is going to sew my dresses for me.
I know that this sounds like a trivial thing, but it was a big deal to me. It seems like just when I am getting frustrated and I pray for Him to reign me in, He comes to the rescue for me. Not only that, but my God does it in such a way that there is now way that it could come anywhere but from Him. Talk about confirmation! I am so over the moon that there are no words to describe!
Mexico here I come! Not that I'm counting or anything, but I leave in 6 days. So excited! The awesome thing is, if God can do these wonderful things for me, He can for you too. God is not a respecter of persons. We are all the same in His eyes. I'm not saying that He will provide you with a trash bag full of clothes but if you turn to Him in your frustration, He will provide for you.
It's like my youngest sons constant struggle with getting dressed in the morning. He always comes out of the bedroom with everything backwards, even underwear. I ask him to go fix it and he starts crying in frustration and sits down and cries. "It's too hard! I can't do it!" I stand there and look at him. He cries for a few minutes and then looks at me. "Mom, can you help me?" I smile at him. "Honey, I was just waiting for you to ask. Using your words is much more effective than throwing a fit isn't it? Here, let me show this trick that my Mom taught me when I was your age....." In no time at all, he is all smiles. He has learned that all he has to do is ask for help and he will get it. He is also learning that the sooner he asks for help, the less frustrated he gets. He has started setting them out upside down so when he puts them on they will be right.
This is something I struggle with. No, I don't mean putting my clothes on backwards. Asking for help instead of internalizing stuff is not always easy. Oh, sure I have lots of friends and am a very social person. Before I started walking with God, I didn't want to count on anyone but myself for most things. Then my Mom died and it seemed that my lifeline died too. I didn't have anyone that I could call in a panic and they would understand drop everything to take care of me. For a few years I walked around dreading what would happen if something really bad went down with me. Then, it happened. I had a tumor that needed removed. I was terrified. I needed help. I couldn't do this one on my own.
In this place of terror, I cried out to God. "Help me Lord! Heal me Lord!" He did heal me. Tumor was taken out and non cancerous. My family and friends pulled through for me too. The next week, my then landlord invited me to her church. I went and it changed my life. God met me there. I'll never be the same. I was done spinning my wheels. I asked for and received help. God was waiting for me that whole time. He was patiently watching me struggle with things and sometimes even throw fits. When I was finally still and looked up at Him and said, "Father will you help me? Will you forgive me?" He looked down at me and said, "Honey I was just waiting for you to ask. Will you follow Me? Will you let me show you the way? I want what's best for you. I will always be right here to help you, my princess. Please remember that."
Don't be afraid to ask for help. He is waiting and watching for you.
This week started out pretty frustrating. My boss is out of the country on a much deserved cruise, so I have been running his little Bistro by myself. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal but I didn't consider everything else I would have going on at the same time. I had 3 finals this week on top of the kids and my other job. I realized it would be a little more stressful than I planned. The timing wasn't real great but that's okay. I could handle it.
Then, I got a phone call on Saturday, the day my boss was leaving town. One of our regular customers wanted a catering job done to be picked up Monday afternoon! That was an awesome blessing for the business, but stress city for me! Not only would I be running the Bistro by myself, I would be doing the catering job by myself. Oh, and did I mention I have never actually done the catering side before? My boss and his wife had always done that part. Well, I guess everyone has to learn somehow. Sometimes, I just wonder why it seems that I always have to learn by being thrown into things headfirst!
Needless to say, I made it through the day just fine. I didn't even pull all my hair out. I got the job done and the customer seemed pleased. Score 1 for Hannah! Afterwards, I felt pretty good. I had proven myself capable of swimming when I was thrown in the deep end. Go me!
On Tuesday I decided that I needed to get a few capris and shirts for my trip next week. I was kicking myself because at the end of last Summer I threw away all my shorts and capris. I had been wearing the same ones for 3 years and was sick of them. I figured since I will be in Mexico in May, it is bound to be hot. I won't be able to wear my jeans and boots there and be comfortable. Shuckie-darn! I had the horrible task of going shopping in my favorite store.....teehee!
Anyway, I get there and my regular sales girls weren't there. The store was being run by a bunch of teenage girls I didn't know. I went and picked out things to try on and my daughter and I went in the dressing room. I found a few things I liked but needed different sizes, one bigger and one smaller. I sent my daughter out with the items to give to the salespeople. I stood there in my underwear for 10 minutes. I started to get chilly so I put on my clothes and went out to find out what was taking so long. Immediately I see my daughter at the front counter, standing by a sales associate who was talking to another sales associate, my clothes in her hand. The other girl leaves and the girl holding my clothes starts wandering around aimlessly.
My daughter looks at me and shrugs. I said, "What is she doing? Didn't you give her those shorts?" "I did Mom. She just now started looking for them. She has been talking to that other girl." She replied. My eyebrows raised. My temper was starting to rise. My daughter could tell too. I walked over to the girl, my daughter close on my heels. She had begun to talk to the other associate who was working. I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, I sent my daughter to you 10 minutes ago with 2 pairs of shorts to get me different sizes." She looked confused. She looked at the clothing in her hand and then looked back at me. "Oh, yeah. Well, I like, couldn't find the right size." Then, she popped her gum and stared at me. My eyebrows got higher. My daughter was getting nervous. She knows when my eyebrows disappear into my hairline, I am not at all happy and someone else is getting ready to not be happy right along with me.
However, instead of blowing up I went back to the dressing room and put on my shoes. On my way out the door I asked when the manager was going to be in. They told me and I stalked away. I was super frustrated! I had never been treated that way in that store. I shop there so much that the sales people know my name. They even know my size and help me pick out clothes because they know the style of stuff I like. They know the names and ages of my kids too. Where am I going to get my clothes now? Plus, we are in Kansas so what is with the Valley Girl accents? Like, get real, like. Grrrr!!
I went home frustrated. I sat and stewed for a while and then got over it. I can always go in when different people are there. Those girls just made me feel like I was beneath them. I really don't like it when people do that. To be fair though, I am sometimes sensitive to stuff like that so I have to take that particular feeling with a grain of salt. Tomorrow was a new day and I had plenty of time to shop.
Wednesday was the morning I was going to cut out my dresses. Yes, I did say dresses. As a respect to their culture, the women on the mission base have to wear skirts in services and when they leave the base. We will be worshiping and leaving the base almost every day. This presented a problem to this girl who never wears dresses. I decided it would be a better idea to have my sister-in-law sew me some flowy dresses than to wear a shirt with a skirt. We went to cut it out and the pattern was too small for me!
I know that patterns run small because I used to help my Mom sew all the time. When we made my 8th grade graduation formal, we had to get a pattern that was 2 sizes bigger than the clothes I wear off the rack. I knew all that, but it still upset me. I sat down and cried. If I knew about this trip 5 months ago, why aren't I 50 pounds lighter? Why didn't I spend every waking minute exercising and dieting? I mean, I'm not a cow but I'm not skinny minny either. I am a woman with real curves. I was really depressed now. I was even starting to not want to go. So instead of crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head, I called a good friend of mine.
Somehow she managed to understand my dilemma through my tears. She gave me a Mom worthy pep talk. The things she told me really made sense. I went something like this...."You have been looking forward to this trip for long time. People have been saying that whole time that you are going to have incredible experiences there. Do you think the enemy want you there, knowing it will be a life changing experience for you? No way! Besides, you are not that big. I don't want you to say that you are thinking about not going, because you are going. In fact, all this trouble should make you even more excited. You wouldn't be having all these problems now, if amazing things weren't going to happen there." We talked about some other things. Before I got off the phone she told me that before I bought anything I should come to her house. She has some clothes that were too small she thought I would like.
I was feeling much better after our talk. I went to drop my youngest off at the babysitters and headed to her house. She was grinning and said for me to sit down and look through the trash sack full of things she had put together. I sat down and started pulling things out one by one. Every single thing in there was my style and my size! I looked up at her with my jaw dropped. A few things even had tags on them! "Where did you get all this?" "Well, I have had this stuff for a while. I just couldn't get rid of it. When I was going through these clothes to put some together for you I just kept thinking, 'Okay God, You are so funny!" I could not believe it! If I hadn't been late to work already, I probably would have given her a little fashion show right then and there, just to see if everything fit.
I got home and tried the clothes on and all but 2 shirts fit me like they were made for me! I can't make this stuff up! I was on cloud 9! My Heavenly Daddy saw my frustration and provided me with clothes for this trip! There are still a few things I have to get but I'm pretty well set. Oh, and my sister-in-laws Grandma is going to sew my dresses for me.
I know that this sounds like a trivial thing, but it was a big deal to me. It seems like just when I am getting frustrated and I pray for Him to reign me in, He comes to the rescue for me. Not only that, but my God does it in such a way that there is now way that it could come anywhere but from Him. Talk about confirmation! I am so over the moon that there are no words to describe!
Mexico here I come! Not that I'm counting or anything, but I leave in 6 days. So excited! The awesome thing is, if God can do these wonderful things for me, He can for you too. God is not a respecter of persons. We are all the same in His eyes. I'm not saying that He will provide you with a trash bag full of clothes but if you turn to Him in your frustration, He will provide for you.
It's like my youngest sons constant struggle with getting dressed in the morning. He always comes out of the bedroom with everything backwards, even underwear. I ask him to go fix it and he starts crying in frustration and sits down and cries. "It's too hard! I can't do it!" I stand there and look at him. He cries for a few minutes and then looks at me. "Mom, can you help me?" I smile at him. "Honey, I was just waiting for you to ask. Using your words is much more effective than throwing a fit isn't it? Here, let me show this trick that my Mom taught me when I was your age....." In no time at all, he is all smiles. He has learned that all he has to do is ask for help and he will get it. He is also learning that the sooner he asks for help, the less frustrated he gets. He has started setting them out upside down so when he puts them on they will be right.
This is something I struggle with. No, I don't mean putting my clothes on backwards. Asking for help instead of internalizing stuff is not always easy. Oh, sure I have lots of friends and am a very social person. Before I started walking with God, I didn't want to count on anyone but myself for most things. Then my Mom died and it seemed that my lifeline died too. I didn't have anyone that I could call in a panic and they would understand drop everything to take care of me. For a few years I walked around dreading what would happen if something really bad went down with me. Then, it happened. I had a tumor that needed removed. I was terrified. I needed help. I couldn't do this one on my own.
In this place of terror, I cried out to God. "Help me Lord! Heal me Lord!" He did heal me. Tumor was taken out and non cancerous. My family and friends pulled through for me too. The next week, my then landlord invited me to her church. I went and it changed my life. God met me there. I'll never be the same. I was done spinning my wheels. I asked for and received help. God was waiting for me that whole time. He was patiently watching me struggle with things and sometimes even throw fits. When I was finally still and looked up at Him and said, "Father will you help me? Will you forgive me?" He looked down at me and said, "Honey I was just waiting for you to ask. Will you follow Me? Will you let me show you the way? I want what's best for you. I will always be right here to help you, my princess. Please remember that."
Don't be afraid to ask for help. He is waiting and watching for you.
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