Break time!

I attempted to go to bed early again tonight but it didn't work out very well. When I was talking to one of my friends today about stuff that has been going on for us both in the last week, we agreed that there is an air of change right now. I don't feel like it's negative or anything like that. This could explain why I have been so wierded out lately. The Hannah of the past did not like big life changes at all! The new Hannah is getting better at it.

Tonight, my youngest son got sent to bed early. The kids were playing kitties and having a great time. He went overboard. Got too loud and too rough. I had to break it up. I was helping him get his pull-up and pajamas on, all while he was howling his protests. I couldn't help but notice that no tears accompamnied his cries. I went to close the door and he stopped crying. (He knows that it gets shut if he continues to cry) I opened the door instead. I never heard another word out of him. I didn't even turn on the audio story. He must have been really tired!

I think all of us are a lot like my youngest. We get very tired and overwhelmed with things that are going on. Instead of pausing and saying, "Why am I feeling this way? What is really going on here?" and slowing down a little, we just start spinning like a top. I know I do. God loves us and wants to pick us up, put our jammies on and send us to rest. We don't always hear Him though. Sometimes, we get caught up in our everyday life and worries and we forget to just take a deep breath and be still for a moment. Be still.

I know what you are thinking, "I do not have time for that! That Hannah is one crazy broad! When does she ever have time to pause and take a breath?" I'm not necessarily talking about physically being still, although that is important too. What I am talking about is being still in your spirit. If you have all these thoughts of kids, work, what you are having for dinner, stresses, what your husband said last night that hurt you, the dog pooping on the living room floor, the beds that need made, and the vacuming that needs done, how can you possibly hear from your Father? How can He guide you when you are too busy to listen and talk to Him about your problems. The dishes can wait. No one will die from walking on floors that need vacumed.

Something else that is a common misconception (I know because I used to believe this) is that you have to bow your head and close your eyes to pray or talk to God. This is not true! I'm going to let you in on an awesome secret.....God can hear you right where you are! I talk to God when I am driving, cleaning the toilet, and even at work. My personal favorite is in the shower. The door is locked, I am relaxed, and I'm in my own little cubicle of cleanliness. I am washing off the days grime and talking to my Daddy. Think of it as your personal cell phone to your Lord. Your 'prayer phone'. (I should copyright this stuff Heehee!) He is never too busy. He wants to hear from you at all times, in all things.

Since he isn't physically there to stop us and slow us down when we need rest like I did for my son, we need to recogize the signs in ourselves and act on it. Sometimes, you need to take yourself out of the game. You will feel much better for it. It could be as simple as relegating yourself into your bedroom for 30 minutes and having some personal time with God. I tell the kids, "I need some Mommy time okay?" and I pop in a 30 minute cartoon. I pray in front of my kids all the time. They need to see that too. However, sometimes you need some personal time with your Father. It would be the difference of carrying on a conversation with your friend in a crowded room, and if you were one on one drinking coffee in your kitchen. Both scenarios can have rewarding outcomes but sometimes you need that 'Daddy and Me' time.

It's important for everyone to do this but especially for us single parents. We don't have a spouse to say, "Here honey, let me help you. Are you okay?" We need to get to know ourselves, and our God, well enough to know when it is time to slow down. Love yourself enough to give yourself a break. God does. If it any easier on you here you go.....This is Mama Hannah telling you that you need a time out! Go talk to your Father! *Teehee* Love you guys........

Daniel 10:19

Strength in weakness

This really has been 'one of those days'. I ran the gambit of emotions today; frustrated, angry, broken, sad, confused, torn, spent, and peaceful. It wasn't all at once though, thank goodness! I might explode if I felt all that at the same time. It all started yesterday.....

I had a lot of fun Friday night but I came home to the same problems. Dirty dishes, laundry, homework, and grumpy kids were all clamoring for my attention. I really needed to recharge but how could I possibly do that with all this stuff in my face and running through my head? I ignored the warning signs that I needed to slow down. Instead, I kept running in circles. Are you seeing where this is heading yet?

My daughter had a soccer game yesterday. I put on my soccer Mom pin with my daughter's picture on it and we were off. These girls that my daughters team was playing were rough! She got pushed down twice and kicked once. They were just plain mean! Of course my daughter's team got crushed. I was standing by one of her teammate's Dads when they came running out of the gym. Her little friend was in tears. Come to find out, one of the girls from the other team had called her a loser. Can you believe that! These are 3rd graders! This is how my thought process went....How dare they mess with these girls like that. This is absolutely ridiculous! Pushing down my baby girl! She is tiny compared to these other girls. This is why I don't watch professional competitive sports. It's just a freaking game people! It should be fun, not life and death. I ought to take that girl over my knee, or at the very least give her mother a piece of my mind!

We left there and went home. This point is where my kids started bickering. In the car of all places. My 6 year old son was laughing at something that was on the radio, but my daughter got it into her head that he was finding amusement in the bruises she received in the game. I was trying to talk on the phone and vent to my brother about the absurdity of the game. (One of my biggest pet peeves is people talking and being loud while I am on the phone.) My 2 year old son was feeding off of us all and singing the ABC's at the top of his lungs. Doesn't this paint a pretty picture of family bliss?

We got home and I sent everyone to their rooms to cool off. My mood was getting worse and worse. I kept thinking about everything I needed to do and wasn't doing. And I kept thinking about how bad I wanted to move to a different, bigger house. Maybe even a house that's big enough for all the kids to have their own rooms and a playroom.Then, in the backyard would be a little house for me to live in. Just joking! Calm down! I can have my little pink and purple dreams can't I? My little duplex is pretty small, but when we are all in foul moods it gets even smaller.

After our quiet time we decided to put in a movie and watch it. It was my youngest son's turn to choose and wouldn't you know he picked a Barbie movie? Oh, I hear a nap calling me! I turned on the TV and laid down on the couch. I had just closed eyes when my nephews came over and asked to spend the night. 5 little, eager, shining faces promised me everything but their firstborn children if I would let them have a sleepover. How can I possibly say no to that? I love my nephews to pieces! The cool thing about my brother and sister-in-law living so close, is that we pretty much raise our kids together. Needless to say, my 3 year old and 5 year old nephews joined the ranks last night.

We had a wholesome dinner of macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. The kids played hard. At 9pm it was time to change into pajamas and put in a movie. They all got their blankets and pillows and got into position on the living room floor. Before I put in the movie, I explained to them that I was getting on the treadmill and if I had to stop it to come in and referee, they were all going to bed. 5 little heads nodded and said they would be very quiet and watch the movie. I gave them the big mama look just to make sure they knew that I meant business. I went in my room and spent 45 minutes huffing and puffing. Miraculously, I didn't get interrupted at all. I felt really good when I got off. Like I had accomplished something. In fact, I felt so good that I did another load of laundry. My oldest nephew was still up and talked me into letting him sleep with me. He put on a movie in my room, I set the sleep timer and went to sleep.

About an hour later, my daughter crawled in between my nephew and I. We were both too tired to protest, so he allowed her to shove him aside and crawl under the covers. Next thing you know, there is a bump in the night. It's my nephew, hitting the floor after my daughter wiggled him right off the bed. He didn't even cry. I got out of bed and put him on the couch. I told him he would be safer there. He agreed and went right back to sleep.

I woke up to hungry kids and complaints of, "Cereal again! You usually make pancakes Sunday morning!" I explained to them that we didn't have time for pancakes and I hadn't gone to the grocery store lately to purchase what I needed to make it. Even though I was trying to be patient, I was snapping at them. I called my sister in law and she agreed to take the kids after church so I could have a few hours to myself. So, I took a deep breath and ordered everyone into the car for church.

During praise and worship, I found myself being torn. I can't hold, cuddle with, talk to, or sit by any of the kids (including my nephews) without someone getting jealous. I usually find it a little amusing, but this morning I was not in the mood. How can one person be split 5 ways to give each child what they need and still reserve something to keep themselves sane? This is not anything I usually struggle with. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a kid person. I have what I like to call "Big Mama Syndrome". Any children who happen to be around me get pulled into my brood. Kids are drawn to me. I love it! I always wanted a big family but God had other plans. I only have one biological child. I think that this is why some people get confused on how many kids I really have. I was singing and trying to get into the worship of it. I couldn't focus. I just prayed for God to take this uneasiness away. I told him I was giving all my worry to Him; my children, the safety of my home, my finances, my loneliness. I wasn't holding a thing back. I just needed Him to comfort me. Please God! Comfort me! Your beloved is crying out to You!

At this point, my youngest son pushed my youngest nephew and they both bumped into me. I separated them and pulled my son on the other side of me. He started crying like I had broken his little heart. I picked him up and rubbed his back. I told him that I loved him. I told him it was okay, just to relax. I understood how frustrated he was. As much as he loves them, my nephews were taking up some of his space. Then it hit me, this is how I am feeling. The same way I am comforting and cuddling my son, is the same thing that my Father wants to do for me. He loves me beyond anything I can understand. I just needed to slow down long enough for Him to do it.

After the church service, I cried in the car. I met my sister in law at her house and went home. I didn't turn on the TV, radio, or computer. I really wanted to cheat on my diet. I didn't though. I go through phases like that. It really is self-destructive. I have a bad day when I can't live up to the super Mom that I feel everyone expects me to be. I am pretty sure I'm not the only one who has problems with that. I say that I live my life for God, but then I take everything on my shoulders instead of placing it where it belongs. Jesus didn't die for me and offer me eternal life to watch me struggle through things. He wants all of me. Even the little stuff that bothers me. Yes, He is almighty. However, that doesn't mean that He is too big to handle the small, everyday junk. Even God rested on the seventh day. Why can't I? I need to learn to ask for help when I know I need it. I also need to learn to accept help when it is offered.

In the middle of my crying out to Him, I fell asleep. I felt much better when I woke up. I went and picked up my kids. We played outside and I got my homework done while they watched part of a movie. It's one of our favorites. We can all recite almost all the lines..."Good afternoon. My name is Russell. I am a Wilderness Explorer."...."Squirrel!!" I read a story to them, they had their baths and all went to bed happy and exhausted. I got on the treadmill and am now blogging. There is an unmistakable peace in my home right now. There is great strength in my weakness. When I am at my worst is when God is at His best because that's when I let Him take over. Someday soon, I am going to get to the point where I don't have to be in melt down mode to receive that revelation.

Father, give me the strength to realize that I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to. I need to learn to take time out and seek Your face at all times, not just in times of stress. Thank you for loving me and blessing me with these children, who teach me about Your love everyday. Give me the grace to raise them how You want them to be raised. Help me to be the mother that You created me to be. Let me love them like You do, Lord.

This is the Bible verse that I am hiding in my heart today. Matthew 11:28-30

My kids and my non-existant social life

Good afternoon blog land! How are you today? I wish I could really carry on a conversation with you guys. Instead, you get to read my aimless ramblings. Aren't you lucky? I needed a break from my Saturday house cleaning activities so I thought I would make use of it. I actually got to sleep in this morning until 8:30! Can you believe it? The only downside of that is it meant that I had to drive in my pajamas and Medusa hairdo to drop my daughter off for her activity. Thank goodness I didn't have to get out. She said, "Mom will you walk up there with me?" I looked down at my pajamas and looked back at her. Then she said, "Uh, never mind. See you!" I couldn't help but feel that I dodged a bullet on that one. I'm sure she felt the same way.

Yesterday started out kind of shaky. Let me back up here and explain something. On Wednesday morning I didn't have class, so I was still in my pj's at 8:30. My youngest son was playing in the living room. There was a knock at the door. Crap! So, I wrap my arms around my chest to keep the girls held back (I didn't even have a bra on!) and answered the door. There was the maintenance guy. He walks right by me and announces that he has a list of stuff he has to fix from the inspection that was done 2 weeks ago. I told him that I wish I would have known he was coming so I could have gotten dressed. His reply was to not worry about it because people walk around in their pajamas all the time. Well, I don't. He walks into the bathroom and says that he has to run to the store to get some things. It would have taken him at least 10 minutes to drive there and back so I locked the door and jumped in the shower. I took 3 minutes tops. I got out of the shower and went to my bedroom. My son says, "Mom, that guy was here. He came back."

I was pissed! There is no other word for it! So, I got dressed and brushed my hair. I opened my front door so he would know that I was out of the shower. After a few minutes, he opens the front door and says, "Are you ready for me now?" He proceeded to fix what he needed to and left. No apology or mention of it at all.

So, yesterday morning I had to take a shower when it was just my youngest and I again. I decided on a bath. I could hear him talking in the living room but I couldn't tell if he was talking to himself or someone else so I did a quick rinse off and got out. I started to feel really shaky. I don't feel safe in my own home anymore! I couldn't help but think if there was a man in the house, liberties like that wouldn't be taken. Urgh! So, I went to work pretty stressed. I prayed a lot about it and was able to process stuff through. I made a formal complaint with the management of my duplex. She listened to me but I don't think she really heard me. That's all I can do. I tried to budget out to see if there was a way I could afford to move. Unless a miraculous something happens, I can't. I did pray about it though and I learned a long time ago to not put God in a little box. Finances mean nothing to Him. He can do anything. By evening time I was feeling better.

A friend and I had been trying to get together for about a month for 99cent Margarita night at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. She had been wanting to take me out for my birthday. We finally had a kid free night together and decided to go. We both got there and ate chips and had dinner and our drinks. We had an absolute blast!! By our second margarita, I was slurring my words a bit and her hand motions were getting bigger and bigger. I said, "This is too funny! This place is crowded and these tables are pretty close. What must people be thinking of us as we sit here with our margaritas, laughing, and talking loudly about God?" We had been sharing our testimonies and daily struggles with being parents and raising them with faith, laughing the whole time. She replied, "Honey, Jesus made that water into wine! You know He wanted them to have a good time!" I laughed so hard! We ended up staying for 3 hours, talking away. I only had 2 drinks though. By the time we left we were both sobered up. On the drive home I had to stop and think when the last time was that I had an evening out with no kids at all. It has been about 6 months since my daughter stopped going to her Dad's every other weekend. I think it had been at least that long! I resolved to go out with friends like that at least once a month. Everyone needs to recharge, right?

When I got home my youngest son yelled, "Hi, Mom!" as he ran by me. He was intent on the game he was playing with my nephews. My daughter and my other son, that was a different story. "Mom, where have you been? We have been waiting for you! You were gone a long time!" My daughter had her hands on her hips and my son's arms were crossed. They meant business. "I went to dinner with a friend. I was only gone for 3 hours. That's not that long." My daughter's eyes narrowed. "Who was this friend, Mom? Do I know them?" I replied, "No, you don't know her. I met her at book club." She relaxed, "Oh okay." Did she think I was on a date? Boy, will it ever be a shock to her system when I do meet my man and start dating him!

It was good to be home. I took off my shoes and called my sister. She was telling me about her promotion at work. All of a sudden, I hear a scream and then my daughter comes stomping in the kitchen. My jaw dropped. She is standing in front of me, head bobbing and her little pointer finger was flying, "Do you know what he did? He was trying to get a blanket out of the cupourd by my room and I thought someone was knocking! I opened my bedroom door and hit my head! It's all his fault! I am so sick of him messing with me!!" She didn't just say this, she yelled it. I tried to keep a straight face. "Let me get this straight. By him getting a blanket, he made you hit your head?" I couldn't help it. I started laughing. Loudly. She shrieked indignantly and stomped off to her room saying, "No one takes me seriously in this house!" I was still on the phone with my sister. She was chuckling too. "Did you hear what she said?", I asked her. "No,"she replied. "I could hear that it was very dramatic just by her tone though. How dare you laugh, Hannah!" We were both howling at this point. "Oh geez! See what happens to my children when I start to get a life of my own? They rebel and I laugh!"

This is one of the things I struggle with, and I'm sure my kids do too. I am their only stability. I am also only one person. They each need a little individual time with me. I also need a little time to myself. There is only 1 of me and 3 of them. Those are not great odds. I do my best to spend quality time with them. I think I do okay. At times, I get overwhelmed. Who wouldn't? I work 2 part-time jobs, go to school full time, am a single mom and a foster parent. That's a lot. How do I do it all? Faith. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without God's grace and peace. He fills me up and gives me the spiritual and emotional strength to get through my crazy days. He is also preparing a special someone to walk this path with me. It will be nice to have someone to help me and love me and spend time with. I will also be happy to help, love, and spend time with him. Where is he? I don't know. God does. I am ready whenever you are God. Hear me up there? Okay, just checking. Just because I love and trust Him doesn't mean I am always patient. I am only human, after all!!

Who do you represent today?

Oh, it has been a busy few days. Last night was our first children's church. It was a little chaotic, but very successful. I feel pretty good about it and have some more ideas brewing in my head. Can you pray for me on this one? I feel that it is a very big responsibility to teach about God. Sometimes I feel unworthy, but you know what the song says, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!" I am the kind of person that when I am excited about something I want to tell everyone about it. I want everyone I know to be as whole as I am.

I feel unworthy about a lot of things. Who am I? I think that's why this blog thing had been bothering me. I enjoy writing it. I just feel weirded out that it has taken off like it has. I say that like I have hundreds of readers! Heehee! I do have 6 followers now though. Moving on up, baby! It made me nervous that some of my friends and family wanted me to make business cards and possibly make my own website. I started shrinking back from it. Not me! I don't want people looking at me like that!! I talked to a couple of good friends of mine about it, who also happen to be my pastors. I was stressing way too much! I told them about the whole thing. It went like this......
"So, what do you think about that? Isn't that weird?"
"What about that is weird? I think both ideas are great."
"I don't know if I'm ready for that though!"
"Why, you don't want people to know what you are doing?"
"No, that's not it."
"What then?"
"It's just me! Who really cares?"
"Hannah, if God gives you something to say then you need to say it. Whether you believe it or not, you are making a difference. Who better to talk about turning your life around than someone who has?"
"Yeah, but making business cards? My own website? Am I going to have to take computer classes to keep up with this thing?"
"No, you just write. This is a God thing and He will provide for it. If one of your friends feels led to set up a website for you then they will. If your sister wants to hand out business cards that's great. You don't have to do anything about it. You just write. That's your job in this. The rest will fall into place."
Man, am I blessed to have such supportive and wonderful people in my life or what? So, I am feeling better about it all. This is not about me, thank you God!! It's about Him and my walk with Him. It's a personal thing, but I'm willing to share because He laid it on my heart to do so. I know not everyone may agree with what I write but that's okay. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to pray, and write, and let God take care of the rest.

Today, I was mulling this over as I put on my apron for the Bistro. When you work for a business you represent what they are all about. Your attitude towards yourself and others, your appearance, the words you speak, and your actions are all a reflection of your employer. Even when you are not at work, if people see you somewhere and recognize you they associate you with your company. For example, if you see the cable guy screaming at a grocery store employee, doesn't that make you think, "Geez, remind me not to get cable from him!?" It would for me. That may not be fair, but that's the way it is. So, I know that I blogged about not judging a book by it's cover but this is going to kind of contradict that a little. It's two different things though. I think.

I started asking myself this question, "Does everything about me represent my Father? Do my words, actions, and attitudes reflect Him?" Not all the time. But, I work hard to make sure that I please Him. Not because I have to. Not because I think He will stop loving me. Not even because I'm afraid of going to hell. I want to be a reflection of Him because I love Him and I choose to. I wake up every day and choose how that day is going to go. I cannot control my circumstances. Control is an illusion. I can, however, control how I react to them.

I'm not at all perfect! I sometimes yell at my kids, my house is not spotless, I sometimes cheat on my diet (Oops! I mean lifestyle change), and I speed when I think I can get away with it. God loves me despite all my little quirks. That is a pretty awesome feeling! I have changed things because I chose to. I wanted to glorify Him. I didn't want someone I saw in church listening to me curse at the park. Oh yeah, that totally happened. To stop cursing was one of my biggest triumphs because of how difficult it was! Did I shock you? Sorry. I didn't curse all the time but they would slip out. I was good at it too. I would get frustrated and the bleeps would start falling out of my mouth! I use other words now. One of my favorites is "BISCUIT EATER!" Don't ask me where it came from because I don't know.

Yes, even when I am alone in my home I am still representing Him..... They will know you are followers because of your love for one another....... Are you representing? Would people be surprised to find out you love God? We don't have to be underground anymore. That stopped thousands of years ago. It won't kill you to be a Christian in public. It used to though. Isn't it amazing that we don't have to keep our light covered up? So, are you representing today?

Oops! My God is showing!

Man, oh man! My kids are all in their beds now. 2 out of 3 went to bed literally crying and howling. I have the music turned up very loud so I don't have to hear them. I logged onto my email account and had a spam message from someone hustling birth control. "Too late!!" I said out loud. Heehee! I love my children, don't get me wrong. I will admit that sometimes I wished they came with a remote control.....rewind, change channels, volume control, and my personal favorite~MUTE!!

My daughter was having a very bossy and extremely dramatic day. The kids decided that they all wanted snacks. So, she went in the kitchen and became the snack dictator. I was waiting to see where it was going to go. You see, she can boss my 6 year old son. But my youngest, he is a force unto his own.
She says to him, "What snack do you want?"
He replies, "I like your skirt."
She smiled and asked even bossier, "What snack do you want?"
He puts the tips of his finger together in a mob boss pose. I'm not joking here. I couldn't make this stuff up! He replies, "I like your idea."
She is starting to get really nasty! "Don't copy me! What snack do you want?"
He stays calm. "I like your glasses."
She is screaming at him by now. "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU LIKE!! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT SNACK YOU WANT!!" She is sobbing and crying.
This is where "Big Mama" has to step in. I say loudly over her screams, "Little girl! I don't know where you got the idea that you can talk to people that way! That is not acceptable. Since when did you become the snack police? How many kids do you have anyway?! Oh, that's right...none! So how about you go to your room for being so nasty and let me be the Mom?"

She literally stomped her way all the way to her room howling at the top of her lungs. I turn to my youngest son. He is smiling at me. He thinks he has won. "Don't think I don't know what you are doing. You wanted to make her mad and make her scream and get in trouble." His little face fell. "You see honey, I have a little brother too. I am wise to your ways. It is not nice to make her mad on purpose just because you can. Because of that you will not get a snack either." He runs to his room howling too. My 6 year old and I look at each other. He says, "I think I'm tired. I'm going to bed." And off he goes. Guess he figured he had better go to bed himself before I sent him there howling too!

Ahhhh, there I can turn down the music. They must have cried themselves to sleep. It is nights like this that I think it would be really nice to have a husband. Somebody to roll my eyes with at the kids drama. Someone to ignore them with me. I know, romantic right? Oh, it paints such a pretty picture. Okay, I'm cracking myself up....I must be tired!

Seriously though, even though I have my God and my kids and awesome friends and family, I do long for my husband. Not just any old husband, but mine. God has him all lined up for me. We are making our way towards each other. You never know, I might see him and talk to him every day. But I won't know him for who he is until the time is right. I know that some people might not understand that but God made a promise to me about my husband. The one thing that I can count on in this life is that He will keep his promises. Awesome things are going to happen! I could date, if I wanted. But why should I waste my time? No other man could compare to the man that God chose specifically for me. I don't want you to think that I'm setting myself up here. I don't expect him to be perfect. But he will be perfect for me. He will love my daughter and foster kids like I do. He will love me and all the ridiculous things that make me unique. God is planning my love story. I have settled for something less before. I won't do it again.

Waiting isn't easy, but there is sweetness in it. Loneliness is a lie. I am never alone. God is with me always. Sometimes I do feel lonely though. I am not a saint after all! I have found ways to deal with it though. I sleep with four pillows on my queen sized bed. It's not very often anymore that I do get to feeling that way but when I do, it seems to be at night. Before I was really walking with Him, I would boohoo. Call my friends. Cry myself to sleep. But now, I press into God. I talk to Him. "God, I am lonely. I know you are with me but you aren't sitting right in front of me. You can't hug me. Can You please be with me and lift this feeling from me? I love You and I'm willing to wait. I want what You want for me. I don't want anyone but the man that You ordained for me. But, can You please send him soon? I think I'm ready. And if I'm not, make me ready. I don't want him to have to pay for the things that others have done to me. If I am harboring hurt, heal me from it. Make me whole. Make me into the woman You want me to be."

When I fully gave my life over to Him, I started conducting myself as a married woman. There is reason behind that. Until God chooses to give my heart away, it completely belongs to Him. There is a quote that says, "A woman's heart should be so fully hidden in God that any man who wants to win it has to find Him." That's how I want to be. So, that's why I don't date.

A new friend and I were talking. I don't know how we got on the subject but she asked if I was seeing anyone. My reply surprised her. She asked my why I don't date? I think secretly she might have thought something was wrong with me. When I explained to her why, she relaxed. It made sense. This is another one of those things that is right for me, but not necessarily for everyone. I did my share of dating. I don't think it's horrible. I will date my husband after all. We won't just meet each other one week and then get hitched the next! Although.......Okay, okay I'm just joking. Jeesh! I'm going to get another late night phone call from my sister talking like that!

So all you single sisters take it from me! There is life after divorce and single motherhood. I haven't reached the other side of it but I will. In the meantime, I'm not just sitting around pining and waiting for Mr Right. I have an incredible life. I have awesome friends. God is using me right where I am and he will use me after I'm married too. This is the sweetness in the waiting. I will look back at this time with fondness. Especially if my husband snores! I will think back on my big, empty and silent bed with real longing! Heehee! Okay, now I know I am tired. I will leave you with this though. When you are feeling lonely and need someone to talk to, reach out to Him. If you press into relationship with God, he will draw closer to You as well. All He is waiting for is for us to ask. Be careful though. Being in His presence is addictive! Pretty soon you will be like me.....you God will be showing too! Get it, like a bra strap or something. Oh, let me quit. Goodnight you guys!

My Immortal Loving Man

Today has been a crazy day! It was good to be back at work and into the routine again but it's not easy to go back to the grind after vacation. It helps that I love going to work! I got kids to school and then my youngest and I came home and ate breakfast together. I got in the shower and he waited outside the door, as usual. As soon as he heard the shower go off he started talking. Then I put on my robe and walked to my room and shut the door. He followed me and started to knock on the door, "Permission, can I come in permission?" I think that he is under the impression that when I am in a room with the door closed that my name changes to permission. That's okay though. We had to start having boundaries when I started having boys in my home. We have adjusted well.

I dropped my youngest off at the babysitter and went to work. Got off work and ran to the grocery store for supper stuff and my healthy eating staples. Then, I had just enough time to throw them in the fridge and run to pick up kids. When I got home the boys CASA worker was here. She visited with the boys while I did the dishes and started supper. My sister-in-law and nephews came over. They love my chicken and noodles. It's always a good feeling when picky eaters ask for seconds! We ran a few errands and then I was pooped. I was laying in bed by 8:30. I figured my daughter is old enough to take herself to bed!

I am just starting to close my eyes while listening to a program on PBS about the Dr who invented the lobotomy (strange choice I know) when my phone rings. My 'Funky Donkey' ring tone made my eyes fly open! Yes, I said 'Funky Donkey'. You have to hear it to fully appreciate it. It was my sister.
"Hello?" I answered groggily.
"Hey, so I've been thinking..."
"Oh, no. You should stop that!"
She laughed, "No, seriously! I think that you should make business cards with only the address of your blog on it. And maybe a cool background or something."
"Why would I do that?"
"So you can pass them out to people!"
I didn't think I was fully awake. She was not making any sense! So I asked again, "Why would I do that?"
"Well, so you can tell people about your blog. Don't you want people to know?"
"I think people do know. Didn't you see that I have a whole, whopping 4 followers?"
"Hannah, are you awake? I'm serious! Just today I was talking to one of my supervisors about your blog and I tried to tell her how to get to it so she could read it. I told her how much I like it and how much it has made a difference for me. I would have loved to have a card to give to her."
I sat up in bed, "Really?"
"Oh, Hannah yes! I don't know why you think that no one cares about it!" I could hear her exasperation and excitement through the phone.

We talked for a while. I told her the thought of being put on a pedestal really scares me. None of this is me. It's God through me. I'm just normal Hannah. She told me that her and my niece were talking and she said, "Mom, I don't know how anyone could be around Aunt Hannah and not be affected by her faith. You know just by being around her that she loves and lives her life for God!" My sister agreed with her. When she told me that I started crying. I said, "Thank you God for changing me into the kind of person that exudes your love!" I'm tearing up now just typing this. I didn't know how to take that, and I told her so. Then I said, "Oh crap! People are looking up to me!" She started laughing at me! "That really surprises you?" "Uh, yeah!" I exclaimed. "Why would anyone look up to me? I'm just a person! Who am I?" She could tell I was getting nervous. "Think about the people you look up to and how they affected you. Wasn't that awesome?" I replied, "Of course it was but I never thought I would be one of those people!"

She told me that I am in a unique position. She has never met anyone who has a relationship with God like I do. She said the fact that I am a normal person is what makes me real and what people want to read about. She does have a point here. I have been through a lot. I am a single mom, been in abusive relationships, dealt with the drug addiction of an ex husband, my Mom died suddenly almost 4 years ago, I'm a foster parent, had a tumor removed a year ago, and the list goes on. You know what the amazing thing is? I am alive. I am more alive now then I have ever been. It was life changing once I realized that there is an immortal man, who loves me unconditionally, almost irrationally, despite all my faults and not only says he would die for me. This wonderful man did die for me! His name is Jesus! How can I not blossom under His intensely loving gaze? All I want is to live my life for Him. For His glory. People can say, "I love you so much that I would die for you. My love is unending." But only God followed through with that.

As nervous as the thought made me, I agreed that she could make up the business cards. I want you guys to know, whoever you are, that I am just me. None of this is possible without God's grace. He is what keeps me going when my day is stressful. He's who I talk to when I'm happy and when I'm sad. My sister said that is unique, but that's a lie. It's not unique at all. Any of us can have that relationship with Him! Just ask Him. I promise you that He will provide it for you if you truly want to seek His face. We were made to love Him! So step out and be what He created you to be.....and instrument and testament to His undying love for you!

How do you like that? It's 11:30. So much for going to bed early. I secretly think that my sister called me to wake me up and get my brain going just so I would blog tonight and she would have something to read in the morning. She claims that's not the case but she was laughing while she said it. Big sisters can be soooooo annoying!! But, I love her. Sigh. Goodnight all.

Judging a book by it's cover

Hey you guys! I didn't have a chance to blog while I was in Colorado. I was staying with my cousin and he doesn't have Internet. My sister informed me that there were Internet cafes and that I should find one but we were too busy doing fun stuff to even worry about that. Sorry! I must say though I had the best time. I love my Colorado family! They are lots of fun. My daughter caught 2 fish and rode a 4 wheeler by herself! So many fun things and awesome memories. I got lots of topics for blogs too. This is the first......

My daughter and I hit the road on Monday morning at about 7am after dropping the boys off at respite. We went up to Hays and caught I-70. There were lots of little towns along the way. I had gotten a cappuccino and mountain dew (lethal combination) to try to stay awake. The night before I didn't get to bed until after midnight because I was packing and trying to clean house. Then, my daughter crawled in bed with me at 2am because she couldn't sleep and my youngest son woke up at 3am and was ready to start the day. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep! The consequence of that beverage combination was that I had to stop a lot to go to the bathroom. My daughter counted and by the time we hit Denver to go to the museum I had made 6 potty stops. How rude! I never counted how many times she peed her pants when I was potty training her! How soon they forget!

One of the places we stopped was a tiny little town right off the highway. I can't even remember the name of it. There was no gas station there. One paved road. It was almost exactly like the town I grew up in except it had a grocery store. (Alden doesn't even have that but it does have a cafe and a quilt shop.) I pulled up to the little grocery store. My daughter did not want to go in. We were at a really good part in our "Adventures in Odyssey" CD. I made her come anyway. So she put on her shoes and we went in.

There was a little group of about 5 people chatting at the only register. The whole grocery store was about the size of my duplex. The lady at the register asked,"Can I help you?" I said, "Do you have a bathroom we can use? I see that you don't have a gas station otherwise I wouldn't bother you." She laughed, "No, we don't have a gas station. We don't have a public restroom but if you don't mind you can use our employee bathroom in the back." I said that was great and she led the way. We chatted on the way back there and I told her about my growing up in a small town where everyone was related to me. We got to the bathroom and she showed me how to turn on the light and rig up the door so it would shut. It was a small and not very fancy bathroom but it was clean and neat and well-taken care of.

My daughter, fancy being her middle name, wrinkled her nose up. "Mom, this bathroom is gross!" I frowned at her, "It is not gross. It's very clean." She sighed, "That's not what I mean. Look at this place!" I was starting to get a little peeved here. Maybe I needed to remind her where we come from. I said to her, "Honey, it is a very unfair thing to judge a place and people in it just because they don't have fancy bathrooms or even a gas station. These are very nice people and this is a very nice town. That lady out there did not have to let me use this bathroom. But she did it because she was kind. Don't you remember the first house we had when your Dad and I divorced? Of course you wouldn't, you were just a baby. It wasn't even a house, it was a small and shabby trailer out in the middle of nowhere. When the wind blew the trailer shook and I would bring you into bed with me and cuddle and tell you stories. The air conditioner didn't work and the electricity always went out when it rained. But there was so much love in that little trailer. You learned to walk pushing a laundry basket down the uneven hallway. When it was nice I put a tarp in the front yard and turned on the water hose and we slid down that tarp until we were too tired to move anymore. At night you would play in the bathtub until the water went cold. The bathroom was just like this one except for your rubber duckies in it. Our bathroom didn't even have a door."

She stood there for a minute while I was washing my hands. "I think I do remember that. We were happy there, weren't we?" I smiled at her, "We were very happy there. It was my first taste of freedom and you were learning that it isn't normal for Mommy's and Daddy's to fight all the time. I have some of my best memories there." We left the bathroom.

When we got back to the front of the store I thanked the lady for bending the rules for us. She asked where we were going and we visited for a minute. Then, she turned to my daughter and said, "My, that is a pretty pink dress you have on! And look at those fun sneakers!". My daughter smiled and said, "Thank you. I like to dress fancy. I like your store. It's really nice. And I like the bathroom too. It smelled really good!" The lady looked very pleased. She walked us to the front door and my daughter gave her a hug. She told us to come back anytime.

We got back in the car and got situated. As we drove off she said, "Mama, you are right. If I thought that lady was just like her bathroom that wouldn't be fair. She was really nice!" I replied, "You are right honey. Meeting new people is really fun! You get to learn and experience new things. You just have to keep your heart and mind open. After all, you love Jesus don't you?" She looked shocked, "Of course I do!" "Well then, you know not to judge a book by it's cover. He was the son of God. Look at all the amazing things he did in his time on earth! Do you remember where he was born?" Now she understood. "He was born in a stable. That's like a barn right?" "Right, with the animals still in it. His parents didn't have anything fancy. But they had love and faith. That's what life is all about." We turned back on the CD and headed back to the highway.

This is something I need to keep locked in my heart too. You never know what someone had going on just under the surface. The seemingly happiest person could need a friendly smile and conversation. The grumpiest person you know may have a heart of gold. If I don't take the time to talk to people and get to know them, then I may miss out on the most wonderful opportunity. I had a friend who thought it was hysterical to go places with me. I can talk to anyone about anything. In fact, I have made several friends that way! She would stand in amazement watching me compliment someone on their shoes, and then start a 30 minute conversation about nothing. Not everyone can do that and that's okay. But when you find yourself stereotyping someone by their looks you might stop yourself and think about that. God created and loves us unconditionally, warts and all. Isn't that amazing!