I took a few days off from blogging to process through some stuff. I think I am good now. Plus, I had a big History test to study for. I got an A! Go me! This semester seems to be dragging by. I love school and all but I am ready for a break for awhile. I am dangerously close to being done. Trying to decide if I am going to take Summer classes or take it off.
I think I am ready to be done with school but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a "regular" job. Don't get me wrong, I work. I have 2 part time jobs. However, they are both very flexible and one is a not only a job but a ministry. It is so rewarding to work in an environment like that! Neither job pays much, but they do pay my bills. We don't live fancy, but we do have everything we need with a few extras. My prayer has been that when it is time for me to get into my career field, that it will be in a Christian environment. One that will understand that I am a single parent and have lots of responsibilities. A boss who will be pleased as punch when I need to take time off for mission trips. My prayer has been, "Lord here I am...send me where you will." So, wherever He wants me and whatever plans He has for me, He will pave the way.
I have really been gearing up for this mission trip to Mexico. Roco Blanca Mission Base is only 6 weeks away! This could be the reason I am eager for school to be done too, I suppose. I couldn't find a swimming suit anywhere around here that had anything that I liked so I had to order it online. It's been about 4 years since I had one. This makes me sound like I'm older than I am. I'm only 28 but I'm very picky about swimming suits. Since I couldn't find one that I liked, I swim in shorts and a t shirt. Once I even borrowed my brothers swimming trunks. They were surprisingly comfortable. I didn't wear them again though because I had the sneaking suspicion that he was seriously considering depantsing me. It makes me cringe just thinking about that possible fiasco!
The thing I have most been thinking about is the people and work I will get to do at the base. I just feel that incredible things are going to happen. I am so ready to go. There will be a whole new Hannah coming back on the plane, I just know it. It is going to be a time of a lot of firsts for me. This will be the first time I have flown, been out of the country, seen an ocean, gone on a mission trip, or spent this much time away from my kids. That part makes me a teeny nervous. Just a little bit though. I am too busy focusing on the incredible opportunity to teach, learn, praise, and just be in God's presence. It will be a time to be a witness the majesty and miracles of the grace of the Lord with no distractions. Oh sure, there will be other people there and lots of things going on, but for the first time in 10 years I will be just Hannah. Not Mom. That is an exciting, and scary thing. I will have no choice but to completely focus on the task at hand. My mission....to be about my Father's business, whatever that means.
My daughter is pretty excited about it. It's going to be like a vacation for her too. She is going to spend the last 3 days of school with my brother and sister in law and then heading off to my friends house. I have known her for more than half my life. Our daughters are only 2 months apart in age and they are besties too! Adorable right? I am truly blessed to have a friend like her. Not just a friend, but a sister in Christ. We both have been doing this faith walk togther. Even though we don't get to talk that much, we always know we are there for each other. Friends like that are to be treasured for sure. Love ya girl!
My boys are a different story altogether. Since they are foster kids they have to go to respite. This makes me cringe. Respite is just a fancy name for another foster home they will go to while I am gone. The good part is, the have always had fun anytime they have gone. The bad part is, I don't know who it will be or anything about them. I don't know if they are a faith filled home or not.
These boys may not be biologically mine, but they are mine just the same. I don't know how to love someone at arms length. This is the hard part about being a foster parent. Treating the fosters like I treat my daughter is great for them. That's what makes me an effective parent. I am a firm believer that fierce love can overcome anything. And it has, trust me on this one. These boys have come a long way! I love them with every fiber of my being. That is why if, or when, my fosters go home, it crushes me. They take a piece of my heart with them every time. I have only had 2 leave my home in a year, a teenage girl and a 10 year old boy. The two I have now I have had for about 5 months.
So, I try my best not to look too far into the future. I pretty much live my life week to week. That would drive some people crazy, I'm sure but it's the only way I can function. If you had asked me 2 years ago where I would be in 4 years I could recite my plan, verbatem. Now, I just don't know. A lot can happen in 4 months, let alone 4 years. I'm not following my own path anymore. I know that some people try their best to deny God because they don't want to loose the illusion of control. Let me tell you a secret....it is the most exhilerating thing in the world!! I am hanging out there in the wind. There is no plan B for me. I'm like a flag in a windstorm and my Lord and Savior is my anchor. He hasn't let me down yet. In fact, when I gave my life to him he took it and did something wonderful. He set my spirit free.
That doesn't mean my life is all peaches and cream. Far from it. Don't believe me? Read some of my earlier blogs...or even just the last one. Doing what is right and true isn't always easy. However, it is almost always rewarding.
Well, my kids are all sleeping. It is very peaceful at the Hannah house. I'm getting a little sleepy myself. I am done with the grape popsickle that I treat myself with after my treadmill time, so it is time for a shower and then bed. Oh, since the kids are all asleep I can actually take a bath! It's just not a relaxing experience when kids knock on the door every 2 minutes to ask me a question. Calgon take me away!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Happy Birthday Mom
Today is not going to be a typical blog. You see, today was my Mom's 55th birthday. She died almost 4 years ago. Everyone says that time heals all wounds and that is somewhat true. It has gotten easier. I am able to talk about her without crying. Most days anyway. I was 24 when she died. I was a Mom myself. I still wasn't ready for her to go. I don't think we ever are but I still needed her. I still need her.
My Mom was an amazing woman. She lived life to the fullest. I have so many awesome memories of her! When I was 10 she shattered her ankle while sliding into 3rd base during a family baseball game. She had to have surgery and have a plate and several screws put in. A month later, she took us swimming at the lake. Wrapping her leg in a trash bag was not comfortable so she took it off and swam with us. When we got home, she cut off her cast with a butter knife. Dad was mad. She went to the doctor the next day and he put a hot pink walking cast on her. A few days later, Mom took up jogging on her walking cast. Dad gave up and didn't say anything about that. Mom was a force to be reckoned with.
And boy could she dance! On Saturday afternoons, we would turn up the radio and dance around the kitchen to the golden oldies while home made cookies were baking in the oven. She was a good card player too. We would have marathon board and card games. She never caught on that my little brother and I always cheated. The corner of her mouth would always twitch when she came back in the room and we had a handfull of aces. She never said anything though. She just acted amazed that we won so cleanly and quickly and said, "You guys are rough to play cards with! You would think you would take it easy on your old Mom and let me win a few!"
She had faith that saw her through some difficult times, including motherhood to 4 unruly kids. And then later, 4 ungrateful teenagers. She was a foster Mom too for a few years. Her faith also saw her through her discovery of a brain tumor that had been growing for 5 years. It was an eye doctor who discovered it. The medical doctors kept telling her she was going through "the change". She started to loose vision in one eye and a cat scan was ordered. What they found was a tumor the size of a softball wrapped around her pitutiary gland and squishing the ocular nerve of her right eye.
It was a shock to us all. She told each one of us indivdidually. She acted like it was no big deal. I remember at the time I was working second shift for the post office. She was working third shift. After I got off work, I would sometimes stop in and have her break with her. Mom would just be starting out the evening and not quite awake so for her first break of her shift, she would have her hot green tea in one hand and her Diet Dr Pepper in the other. Oh yeah, and she sipped both out of a straw. She didn't want either liquid to stain her teeth. She would call me on her way home and if I was up we would chit chat. This was an entirely different call.
"Hello?"
"Were you asleep?"
"Yeah but that's okay. How was work, Mom?"
"Oh pretty good. Having that MP3 player you showed me how to work really makes the night go by fast! Be bopping along to Johnny Cash and Mercy Me is my way to spend an evening. I have to be careful not to sing though."
"You shouldn't try to hold it back. Belt those tunes out! People would love it!"
"That would be pretty funny! I have something to tell you, Hannah."
"Okay, what's up?"
"I have a brain tumor."
"What?!"
"Yeah, I know. A shocker huh? I've been trying to tell your Dad I'm not normal for years."
"Mom, why are you joking? Brain tumors are serious! You could die!"
"Honey, I know that. You want to come over for supper?"
Just like that, my worst fear was realized. My Mother was going to die. I knew it. My siblings did too. And my Dad? Forget it! He didn't know how to deal with it. They were married for 32 years, right out of high school. Mom told us all she was going to be fine. I think she knew though. She had talks with each one of us kids that we still remember. Talks about life and love and loss. Talks about how much she loved us. Before she went into surgery, she told us that she knew one way or the other, God was going to heal her. She wouldn't be in pain anymore. And He did.
After surgery, she had a grand mal seizure and took her last breath in my arms. I was helping her out of bed. I held her while she seized and told her how much I loved her. I told her to relax, that it was okay. I can't remember what all I said. I had no idea she was dying. That my words would be last ones she would hear. For the longest time I struggled with that. It was the hardest thing in my whole life. But after a few weeks, I began to think differently. If I had a choice of how I was to die, hugging my daughter while she whispered words of love and encouragment would be right up there with number one.
In a way, it was like I got to pay her back just a fraction for all the pep talks, hugs, whispers of love, encouragement, band-aids for skinned knees, kisses to make them better, and "I'm proud of you"'s. I started to look at it like a positive thing. I sent her off to heaven with words of love.
Surprisingly enough, my then 5 year old daughter helped me most to deal with Mom's death. She asked me where Nana was. She couldn't understand what it meant when someone died. My family made the heart wrenching decision to not let the grandkids, our kids, to see her in the casket. It didn't look like her. Sure, it was her body. But Mom wasn't there anymore. My Mom always had a smile on her face. Even when she slept she was animated. Animateldly snoring for sure! But it was still Mom even then. But that shell in the casket wasn't. They were upset. All 6 of them were insistant on seeing her. I explained it to them like this....
"You know how Nana and Papa had different cars right? When Nana needed to haul the dogs to the vet, she took the truck. When she had to drive to work, she took her car. And when she was feeling very adventurous, she took her motorcycle. Well, Nana's body is like a used car. She isn't in that body anymore. Nana is in heaven. She didn't take that shell with her because God gave her a brand new body."
They seemed somewhat satisfied with that. The next question came from my daughter. "But, I want to tell Nana I love her. I didn't get to tell her before she left her used car." I replied, "Honey, she knows you love her. She loves you too. Even death cannot stop Nana's love. In fact, we get to take her everywhere with us now. She is in our heart. Your heart goes with you. All that love goes with you too."
Mom, I love you. I miss you everyday. I wish I could talk to you and hear your distinct laugh one more time. Have another one of your pep talks. Get another amazing Mama hug. What I wouldn't give to hear you say what you think of all the changes that have happened in the last year. Would you save all that up for me? Would you give it to me when I see you in heaven? We will have a lot of catching up to do, Mom. Save a place for me, will you? And put a good word in for me with the Big Guy.
My Mom was an amazing woman. She lived life to the fullest. I have so many awesome memories of her! When I was 10 she shattered her ankle while sliding into 3rd base during a family baseball game. She had to have surgery and have a plate and several screws put in. A month later, she took us swimming at the lake. Wrapping her leg in a trash bag was not comfortable so she took it off and swam with us. When we got home, she cut off her cast with a butter knife. Dad was mad. She went to the doctor the next day and he put a hot pink walking cast on her. A few days later, Mom took up jogging on her walking cast. Dad gave up and didn't say anything about that. Mom was a force to be reckoned with.
And boy could she dance! On Saturday afternoons, we would turn up the radio and dance around the kitchen to the golden oldies while home made cookies were baking in the oven. She was a good card player too. We would have marathon board and card games. She never caught on that my little brother and I always cheated. The corner of her mouth would always twitch when she came back in the room and we had a handfull of aces. She never said anything though. She just acted amazed that we won so cleanly and quickly and said, "You guys are rough to play cards with! You would think you would take it easy on your old Mom and let me win a few!"
She had faith that saw her through some difficult times, including motherhood to 4 unruly kids. And then later, 4 ungrateful teenagers. She was a foster Mom too for a few years. Her faith also saw her through her discovery of a brain tumor that had been growing for 5 years. It was an eye doctor who discovered it. The medical doctors kept telling her she was going through "the change". She started to loose vision in one eye and a cat scan was ordered. What they found was a tumor the size of a softball wrapped around her pitutiary gland and squishing the ocular nerve of her right eye.
It was a shock to us all. She told each one of us indivdidually. She acted like it was no big deal. I remember at the time I was working second shift for the post office. She was working third shift. After I got off work, I would sometimes stop in and have her break with her. Mom would just be starting out the evening and not quite awake so for her first break of her shift, she would have her hot green tea in one hand and her Diet Dr Pepper in the other. Oh yeah, and she sipped both out of a straw. She didn't want either liquid to stain her teeth. She would call me on her way home and if I was up we would chit chat. This was an entirely different call.
"Hello?"
"Were you asleep?"
"Yeah but that's okay. How was work, Mom?"
"Oh pretty good. Having that MP3 player you showed me how to work really makes the night go by fast! Be bopping along to Johnny Cash and Mercy Me is my way to spend an evening. I have to be careful not to sing though."
"You shouldn't try to hold it back. Belt those tunes out! People would love it!"
"That would be pretty funny! I have something to tell you, Hannah."
"Okay, what's up?"
"I have a brain tumor."
"What?!"
"Yeah, I know. A shocker huh? I've been trying to tell your Dad I'm not normal for years."
"Mom, why are you joking? Brain tumors are serious! You could die!"
"Honey, I know that. You want to come over for supper?"
Just like that, my worst fear was realized. My Mother was going to die. I knew it. My siblings did too. And my Dad? Forget it! He didn't know how to deal with it. They were married for 32 years, right out of high school. Mom told us all she was going to be fine. I think she knew though. She had talks with each one of us kids that we still remember. Talks about life and love and loss. Talks about how much she loved us. Before she went into surgery, she told us that she knew one way or the other, God was going to heal her. She wouldn't be in pain anymore. And He did.
After surgery, she had a grand mal seizure and took her last breath in my arms. I was helping her out of bed. I held her while she seized and told her how much I loved her. I told her to relax, that it was okay. I can't remember what all I said. I had no idea she was dying. That my words would be last ones she would hear. For the longest time I struggled with that. It was the hardest thing in my whole life. But after a few weeks, I began to think differently. If I had a choice of how I was to die, hugging my daughter while she whispered words of love and encouragment would be right up there with number one.
In a way, it was like I got to pay her back just a fraction for all the pep talks, hugs, whispers of love, encouragement, band-aids for skinned knees, kisses to make them better, and "I'm proud of you"'s. I started to look at it like a positive thing. I sent her off to heaven with words of love.
Surprisingly enough, my then 5 year old daughter helped me most to deal with Mom's death. She asked me where Nana was. She couldn't understand what it meant when someone died. My family made the heart wrenching decision to not let the grandkids, our kids, to see her in the casket. It didn't look like her. Sure, it was her body. But Mom wasn't there anymore. My Mom always had a smile on her face. Even when she slept she was animated. Animateldly snoring for sure! But it was still Mom even then. But that shell in the casket wasn't. They were upset. All 6 of them were insistant on seeing her. I explained it to them like this....
"You know how Nana and Papa had different cars right? When Nana needed to haul the dogs to the vet, she took the truck. When she had to drive to work, she took her car. And when she was feeling very adventurous, she took her motorcycle. Well, Nana's body is like a used car. She isn't in that body anymore. Nana is in heaven. She didn't take that shell with her because God gave her a brand new body."
They seemed somewhat satisfied with that. The next question came from my daughter. "But, I want to tell Nana I love her. I didn't get to tell her before she left her used car." I replied, "Honey, she knows you love her. She loves you too. Even death cannot stop Nana's love. In fact, we get to take her everywhere with us now. She is in our heart. Your heart goes with you. All that love goes with you too."
Mom, I love you. I miss you everyday. I wish I could talk to you and hear your distinct laugh one more time. Have another one of your pep talks. Get another amazing Mama hug. What I wouldn't give to hear you say what you think of all the changes that have happened in the last year. Would you save all that up for me? Would you give it to me when I see you in heaven? We will have a lot of catching up to do, Mom. Save a place for me, will you? And put a good word in for me with the Big Guy.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter Blessings
Hey there! I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter weekend. Mine was pretty spectacular. What made it so great? Okay, you twisted my arm. I will tell you.
On Saturday, my sister-in-law and I took all the kids to the Easter Egg Hunt at the high school football field. They all got lots of eggs and had a great time. While we were there, something unexpected happened. A pastor came out on the field and prayed and told a short version of Christ's Resurrection! Isn't that great! It was over a loud speaker, on school property and everything! Thank you Lord! That did my heart some good.
My boys decided to get buckets with shovels instead of Easter baskets for practical reasons. They could play in the dirt with them later. My daughter chose a fru-fru one with lace and different colors. When we were walking away from the hunt to the car, my youngest son was calling out to passing people, "Happy Eatsupper everyone! Happy Eatsupper!" On the drive to the fast food place, we explained to the kids what Easter was really all about. They were really excited! All weekend, out of nowhere, my youngest son would start hollering, "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!" So cute and funny! Did I mention he is only 2 and a half years old? Even though it's pretty loud, I encourage that. I don't ever want my children to have to be silent about their faith. Ever. I want them to be proud of who they are and what they believe in. When I tell him I love him he replies, "I love you too Mommy. God loves us too!" You know what is pretty cool about that? When these boys came to my home 4 months ago, they had never even heard of God. This gives me great joy and hope. Thank you God for helping me to plant a seed in these kids!
One of the reason why he hollers, "Praise the Lord" is that is one of the songs we sing in church. Also, we always have music going in my house. And since I am in a season of surrounding myself with positive things, we listen to, you guessed it, Christian music. It is amazing how easily they catch on to songs. They are constantly surrounded by positive things too, and I really think that is a huge influence on them. Just yesterday, we were walking through the grocery store and all 3 kids were singing worship songs while we shopped. People smiled as they walked by. You never know who was affected by that.
Last night after the kids went to bed, I turned on the TV out of boredom. (Honestly, I was trying to put off getting on the treadmill) I don't usually watch much TV, so I was surprised to see that the 1956 version of Moses was on our local stations. Since I found something I was interested in, I hopped on the treadmill and watched it while I exercised. I watched several different versions of this before New Years in anticipation of my baptism. I am a very visual person and it did my heart good to see the Israelites escape their enemies across the Red Sea. Then, God cut them off from those Egyptians forever. Oh, I get goosebumps just writing this! That's what happens when you get baptized. When you go in the water, your flesh dies. When you come up you are cut off from your past and the enemy that wanted to keep you away from your destiny. You are brand new. You are born again! I was never baptized as a child, but even if I was I would have done it again. Once you understand what it means, really feel it in your heart and soul, it means everything to you. It is like a cement of your love and faith for your God.
When it got to that part in the movie, my heart started racing. It could have been the exercise, but I don't think so. When the sea started bubbling and moving aside, I raised my hands up and said, "Whoohoo! Go God!" Who needs superman when you have the real thing? It gets me every time. I enjoyed it so much I forgot about the time. That is, until my legs started to feel like jelly. I looked down and I had been on that treadmill for a whole hour! I decided that was enough of that. I finished watching the story though. It is truly amazing. That's what Easter makes me think of. I blogged last time about Jesus's sacrifice but it also reminds me that I am born again. I was raised from the dead too.
This morning I woke up and started the pancakes. After we ate breakfast, we read a children's story on the Resurrection of Christ. The kids were just enthralled. At church we all had a great time. The sermon was awesome and the praise and worship was too. My church is the kind that everyone knows everyone and gives everyone hugs during the greeting time. Can you see why I feel so at home there?
After church we had to stop at the grocery store since I forgot cherry tomatoes for the veggie tray. That is sacrilege at my house. I got a text from a friend whose husband is a truck driver. She had decided not to have Easter dinner since he had to be on the rode today. I told her I understood she was sad, but she should have a dinner anyway. After all, I'm cooking a big dinner without my husband. She laughed and replied to let her know if my husband shows up in person. I said, wouldn't that be a big Easter surprise? So, I have something to share with you guys! When I got home there was this guy waiting for me in my driveway......just joking! Had you going didn't I? I'm sorry, you're right. That was pretty mean. Funny though,eh?
We came home and got dinner started. My nephews and kids were playing in the yard. My daughter had my nephews and sons snowed into being her assistants. More like servants. One of them was holding back her lawn chair so she could lounge, one was on his hands and knees providing her with a footrest, one was fanning her, and the other was getting veggies with ranch on it for her from the veggie tray in the house. The sick thing is, they enjoyed it. They thought it was the best game ever! I explained to them that they didn't have to do what she said and they said they knew. They just thought it was funny. After my brother got here, they didn't think it was fun anymore. They found another game to play. Guess it's not cool to look whipped in front of a grown man. I did get lots of pictures of it though. I couldn't resist!
We enjoyed our dinner and we all took naps. The kids played outside some more. They are now all asleep, with full bellies and sunburns. My living room floor is strewn with empty plastic eggs. I even got my homework done tonight. I think I might be on a roll here.
This Easter took on a whole new meaning for me. In the past, what this holiday meant to me was candy, ham dinner, and a new dress. Even though I still enjoy those things, it means so much more. This was the day that my Brother Jesus died for me so that I can have a personal and intimate relationship with my Father. The veil was torn. Death was defeated. Pretty incredible, huh? I am feeling very thankful and blessed to be my Daddy's princess. Hey, who said princesses can't wear jeans?
On Saturday, my sister-in-law and I took all the kids to the Easter Egg Hunt at the high school football field. They all got lots of eggs and had a great time. While we were there, something unexpected happened. A pastor came out on the field and prayed and told a short version of Christ's Resurrection! Isn't that great! It was over a loud speaker, on school property and everything! Thank you Lord! That did my heart some good.
My boys decided to get buckets with shovels instead of Easter baskets for practical reasons. They could play in the dirt with them later. My daughter chose a fru-fru one with lace and different colors. When we were walking away from the hunt to the car, my youngest son was calling out to passing people, "Happy Eatsupper everyone! Happy Eatsupper!" On the drive to the fast food place, we explained to the kids what Easter was really all about. They were really excited! All weekend, out of nowhere, my youngest son would start hollering, "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!" So cute and funny! Did I mention he is only 2 and a half years old? Even though it's pretty loud, I encourage that. I don't ever want my children to have to be silent about their faith. Ever. I want them to be proud of who they are and what they believe in. When I tell him I love him he replies, "I love you too Mommy. God loves us too!" You know what is pretty cool about that? When these boys came to my home 4 months ago, they had never even heard of God. This gives me great joy and hope. Thank you God for helping me to plant a seed in these kids!
One of the reason why he hollers, "Praise the Lord" is that is one of the songs we sing in church. Also, we always have music going in my house. And since I am in a season of surrounding myself with positive things, we listen to, you guessed it, Christian music. It is amazing how easily they catch on to songs. They are constantly surrounded by positive things too, and I really think that is a huge influence on them. Just yesterday, we were walking through the grocery store and all 3 kids were singing worship songs while we shopped. People smiled as they walked by. You never know who was affected by that.
Last night after the kids went to bed, I turned on the TV out of boredom. (Honestly, I was trying to put off getting on the treadmill) I don't usually watch much TV, so I was surprised to see that the 1956 version of Moses was on our local stations. Since I found something I was interested in, I hopped on the treadmill and watched it while I exercised. I watched several different versions of this before New Years in anticipation of my baptism. I am a very visual person and it did my heart good to see the Israelites escape their enemies across the Red Sea. Then, God cut them off from those Egyptians forever. Oh, I get goosebumps just writing this! That's what happens when you get baptized. When you go in the water, your flesh dies. When you come up you are cut off from your past and the enemy that wanted to keep you away from your destiny. You are brand new. You are born again! I was never baptized as a child, but even if I was I would have done it again. Once you understand what it means, really feel it in your heart and soul, it means everything to you. It is like a cement of your love and faith for your God.
When it got to that part in the movie, my heart started racing. It could have been the exercise, but I don't think so. When the sea started bubbling and moving aside, I raised my hands up and said, "Whoohoo! Go God!" Who needs superman when you have the real thing? It gets me every time. I enjoyed it so much I forgot about the time. That is, until my legs started to feel like jelly. I looked down and I had been on that treadmill for a whole hour! I decided that was enough of that. I finished watching the story though. It is truly amazing. That's what Easter makes me think of. I blogged last time about Jesus's sacrifice but it also reminds me that I am born again. I was raised from the dead too.
This morning I woke up and started the pancakes. After we ate breakfast, we read a children's story on the Resurrection of Christ. The kids were just enthralled. At church we all had a great time. The sermon was awesome and the praise and worship was too. My church is the kind that everyone knows everyone and gives everyone hugs during the greeting time. Can you see why I feel so at home there?
After church we had to stop at the grocery store since I forgot cherry tomatoes for the veggie tray. That is sacrilege at my house. I got a text from a friend whose husband is a truck driver. She had decided not to have Easter dinner since he had to be on the rode today. I told her I understood she was sad, but she should have a dinner anyway. After all, I'm cooking a big dinner without my husband. She laughed and replied to let her know if my husband shows up in person. I said, wouldn't that be a big Easter surprise? So, I have something to share with you guys! When I got home there was this guy waiting for me in my driveway......just joking! Had you going didn't I? I'm sorry, you're right. That was pretty mean. Funny though,eh?
We came home and got dinner started. My nephews and kids were playing in the yard. My daughter had my nephews and sons snowed into being her assistants. More like servants. One of them was holding back her lawn chair so she could lounge, one was on his hands and knees providing her with a footrest, one was fanning her, and the other was getting veggies with ranch on it for her from the veggie tray in the house. The sick thing is, they enjoyed it. They thought it was the best game ever! I explained to them that they didn't have to do what she said and they said they knew. They just thought it was funny. After my brother got here, they didn't think it was fun anymore. They found another game to play. Guess it's not cool to look whipped in front of a grown man. I did get lots of pictures of it though. I couldn't resist!
We enjoyed our dinner and we all took naps. The kids played outside some more. They are now all asleep, with full bellies and sunburns. My living room floor is strewn with empty plastic eggs. I even got my homework done tonight. I think I might be on a roll here.
This Easter took on a whole new meaning for me. In the past, what this holiday meant to me was candy, ham dinner, and a new dress. Even though I still enjoy those things, it means so much more. This was the day that my Brother Jesus died for me so that I can have a personal and intimate relationship with my Father. The veil was torn. Death was defeated. Pretty incredible, huh? I am feeling very thankful and blessed to be my Daddy's princess. Hey, who said princesses can't wear jeans?
Friday, April 2, 2010
Out of the mouth of babes
Sorry it's been a few days since my last post. Things have been busy, busy, busy in the Hannah household! I think this weekend things are going to slow down a bit. Well, at least slow to me.
On Wednesday, we had our second children's church thing. We don't have a name for it yet. I have talked to the kids about it and we are going to come up with names and vote and decide what we are going call ourselves.
Our lesson was about Adam and Eve being deceived by the serpent and getting kicked out of Eden. You know what's great about leading this group? These are new and young believers. Some of them have grown up in Christian homes and know more about the Bible than I do. You see, I wasn't really raised in a church. We went to church until I was about 9 years old. After that I attended some youth events but nothing regular. I went to Awanas sometimes and memorized a few verses but I have never studied the Bible at all. I always knew and loved God. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 10 years old at Bible Camp. In my younger years, I tried my best to please Him, even though I didn't really know much about Him. I met my daughters father when I was 17, and I strayed. Even when I was doing the wrong things and in bad situations, I still prayed to Him. Just when I needed something though. For me, the best way to learn is to teach. Children's books are geared towards new and young Christians. That's me! Age doesn't have anything to do with being new to God.
After the lesson, I asked the kids some questions. I had been talking about how God is our Father and He loves us. That's why He sets some rules for us. Not because He doesn't want us to have any fun, but because He wants us to be safe. I compared it to relationships between them and their parents. Then I asked them what they thought the story we read was about. My favorite response was from a 4 year old little girl. "The story was about God loving his kids and getting to spend time with them. And then they disobeyed Him and that made Him very sad. It made His heart hurt very much." Right out of the mouth of babes! We hadn't even been discussing God's feelings on the matter. I said, "That is a great answer. It did make God very sad. He created Adam and Eve because He wanted a family. When they disobeyed Him, that meant they couldn't live with Him anymore." 10 little somber faces looked back at me. In today's society, children understand the sadness of not living with one, or even both parents. As a parent, foster parent, divorcee, and someone whose Mother has passed away, I do too.
The next day, there was a minor emergency in the my house. My 3 year old nephew had gotten a splinter in the bottom of his heel. It had been there for a while because it had developed a little caulous around it. Once it was discovered, it had to come out. After the kids went to school, my sister-in-law and I had to do minor surgery. Here's the thing, my nephew hates needles, hates pain, and has a very high pitched scream. Oh, and he is also very strong.
When he saw that safety pin, he freaked out. I thought his head was going to spin! We talked about it to him, explained what was going on and what would happen if we didn't get it out. He agreed that it needed to come out. It took his Mom and I both to hold him down. After 20 minutes with 2 breaks we weren't even able to get that safety pin close to his foot. At one point, I was looking at his face while I was holding him down and I almost lost it. I was having to hold down my precious nephew when he was so scared and was pleading for help. I wanted to scoop him up and cuddle him. My instinct was to protect him, but I knew for his own good that he needed to endure this. We stopped holding him down for a moment and I prayed out loud..."God, my nephew is scared. We need to get this splinter out of his foot. Please help it come out quickly and help this little guy not be scared. Amen."
I was finally able to reach that splinter with the safety pin. All I had to do was poke it. It didn't even bleed. I grabbed it with my fingernails and it came right out. Whew! He felt so much better! He hugged both of us and off he went. He did need a band-aid though. Those make everything better.
They left and I started to get ready for work. About the time I was putting my shoes on, it hit me. That must be how God feels about us. He has a plan for us. He wants the best for us. Doing what is right is not always easy. It is easy to feed into the illusion that we are in control and not Him. Then, we go our own way. We take the wrong road instead of the one He made for us. He sees what is going to happen. He knows we are going to get hurt. There is nothing He can do. God loves us so much that he gives us a choice to follow and worship him, or not. It is completely up to us. The enemy doesn't want us to be devil worshipers, he just doesn't want us to be God worshipers. Because then it is all over. Once we have tasted the fullness of the Lord's grace, we belong to Him.
I know for me, it is an incredibly painful thing to see my children in physical or emotional pain. I would do anything in my power to make life easier for them, to spare them the hurt and fear of this world. I can't save them from everything though. There are some things they are just going to have to go through. If they don't follow the rules or are jumping around and get hurt, it makes me very sad and disappointed. If they had just followed the rules I laid out for their safety, they would never have been in that situation. I comfort them, but they also have to suffer some consequences for their actions. I do not enjoy the punishment that has to take place. But, I know it's necessary to their emotional growth that they understand that if they choose to do something, whether it be good or bad, there are direct and equal consequences. That is probably one of the hardest parts of being a parent, isn't it?
God doesn't force us to do His will. He doesn't force us to hand over our problems to Him. He wants to take care of us but He can't if we don't let Him. It is even more painful for him to see us spinning our wheels, because He loves us way more than we could ever imagine! That puts a whole new spin on things for me. Is what I do every day causing my heavenly Father pain? That is the last thing I want to do. After all, He sent His one and only Son to die for my sins.
Can you even begin to wrap your head around that? God had His Son all safe and happy up in heaven with Him. He saw that we were all going to have to die for our sins and that hurt Him so bad, He sent His own Son so that we wouldn't have to die. We can live forever with Him in Heaven. He sent Jesus as a sacrifice. He knew when He sent Him to Earth that He would be beaten and hung on that cross. As a parent, that's a true shot to my heart. Now that, my dear friends, is true love!! There is nothing I can or will do to deserve that. However, I plan on spending the rest of my life trying to show Him just how much I love my God and Savior for giving me life. I thought I was alive all this time but I was just walking dead. For the past year, I have been fully ALIVE!! Thank you Father for sending Your Son. Thank you for helping me truly live my life for the first time!
On Wednesday, we had our second children's church thing. We don't have a name for it yet. I have talked to the kids about it and we are going to come up with names and vote and decide what we are going call ourselves.
Our lesson was about Adam and Eve being deceived by the serpent and getting kicked out of Eden. You know what's great about leading this group? These are new and young believers. Some of them have grown up in Christian homes and know more about the Bible than I do. You see, I wasn't really raised in a church. We went to church until I was about 9 years old. After that I attended some youth events but nothing regular. I went to Awanas sometimes and memorized a few verses but I have never studied the Bible at all. I always knew and loved God. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 10 years old at Bible Camp. In my younger years, I tried my best to please Him, even though I didn't really know much about Him. I met my daughters father when I was 17, and I strayed. Even when I was doing the wrong things and in bad situations, I still prayed to Him. Just when I needed something though. For me, the best way to learn is to teach. Children's books are geared towards new and young Christians. That's me! Age doesn't have anything to do with being new to God.
After the lesson, I asked the kids some questions. I had been talking about how God is our Father and He loves us. That's why He sets some rules for us. Not because He doesn't want us to have any fun, but because He wants us to be safe. I compared it to relationships between them and their parents. Then I asked them what they thought the story we read was about. My favorite response was from a 4 year old little girl. "The story was about God loving his kids and getting to spend time with them. And then they disobeyed Him and that made Him very sad. It made His heart hurt very much." Right out of the mouth of babes! We hadn't even been discussing God's feelings on the matter. I said, "That is a great answer. It did make God very sad. He created Adam and Eve because He wanted a family. When they disobeyed Him, that meant they couldn't live with Him anymore." 10 little somber faces looked back at me. In today's society, children understand the sadness of not living with one, or even both parents. As a parent, foster parent, divorcee, and someone whose Mother has passed away, I do too.
The next day, there was a minor emergency in the my house. My 3 year old nephew had gotten a splinter in the bottom of his heel. It had been there for a while because it had developed a little caulous around it. Once it was discovered, it had to come out. After the kids went to school, my sister-in-law and I had to do minor surgery. Here's the thing, my nephew hates needles, hates pain, and has a very high pitched scream. Oh, and he is also very strong.
When he saw that safety pin, he freaked out. I thought his head was going to spin! We talked about it to him, explained what was going on and what would happen if we didn't get it out. He agreed that it needed to come out. It took his Mom and I both to hold him down. After 20 minutes with 2 breaks we weren't even able to get that safety pin close to his foot. At one point, I was looking at his face while I was holding him down and I almost lost it. I was having to hold down my precious nephew when he was so scared and was pleading for help. I wanted to scoop him up and cuddle him. My instinct was to protect him, but I knew for his own good that he needed to endure this. We stopped holding him down for a moment and I prayed out loud..."God, my nephew is scared. We need to get this splinter out of his foot. Please help it come out quickly and help this little guy not be scared. Amen."
I was finally able to reach that splinter with the safety pin. All I had to do was poke it. It didn't even bleed. I grabbed it with my fingernails and it came right out. Whew! He felt so much better! He hugged both of us and off he went. He did need a band-aid though. Those make everything better.
They left and I started to get ready for work. About the time I was putting my shoes on, it hit me. That must be how God feels about us. He has a plan for us. He wants the best for us. Doing what is right is not always easy. It is easy to feed into the illusion that we are in control and not Him. Then, we go our own way. We take the wrong road instead of the one He made for us. He sees what is going to happen. He knows we are going to get hurt. There is nothing He can do. God loves us so much that he gives us a choice to follow and worship him, or not. It is completely up to us. The enemy doesn't want us to be devil worshipers, he just doesn't want us to be God worshipers. Because then it is all over. Once we have tasted the fullness of the Lord's grace, we belong to Him.
I know for me, it is an incredibly painful thing to see my children in physical or emotional pain. I would do anything in my power to make life easier for them, to spare them the hurt and fear of this world. I can't save them from everything though. There are some things they are just going to have to go through. If they don't follow the rules or are jumping around and get hurt, it makes me very sad and disappointed. If they had just followed the rules I laid out for their safety, they would never have been in that situation. I comfort them, but they also have to suffer some consequences for their actions. I do not enjoy the punishment that has to take place. But, I know it's necessary to their emotional growth that they understand that if they choose to do something, whether it be good or bad, there are direct and equal consequences. That is probably one of the hardest parts of being a parent, isn't it?
God doesn't force us to do His will. He doesn't force us to hand over our problems to Him. He wants to take care of us but He can't if we don't let Him. It is even more painful for him to see us spinning our wheels, because He loves us way more than we could ever imagine! That puts a whole new spin on things for me. Is what I do every day causing my heavenly Father pain? That is the last thing I want to do. After all, He sent His one and only Son to die for my sins.
Can you even begin to wrap your head around that? God had His Son all safe and happy up in heaven with Him. He saw that we were all going to have to die for our sins and that hurt Him so bad, He sent His own Son so that we wouldn't have to die. We can live forever with Him in Heaven. He sent Jesus as a sacrifice. He knew when He sent Him to Earth that He would be beaten and hung on that cross. As a parent, that's a true shot to my heart. Now that, my dear friends, is true love!! There is nothing I can or will do to deserve that. However, I plan on spending the rest of my life trying to show Him just how much I love my God and Savior for giving me life. I thought I was alive all this time but I was just walking dead. For the past year, I have been fully ALIVE!! Thank you Father for sending Your Son. Thank you for helping me truly live my life for the first time!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Break time!
I attempted to go to bed early again tonight but it didn't work out very well. When I was talking to one of my friends today about stuff that has been going on for us both in the last week, we agreed that there is an air of change right now. I don't feel like it's negative or anything like that. This could explain why I have been so wierded out lately. The Hannah of the past did not like big life changes at all! The new Hannah is getting better at it.
Tonight, my youngest son got sent to bed early. The kids were playing kitties and having a great time. He went overboard. Got too loud and too rough. I had to break it up. I was helping him get his pull-up and pajamas on, all while he was howling his protests. I couldn't help but notice that no tears accompamnied his cries. I went to close the door and he stopped crying. (He knows that it gets shut if he continues to cry) I opened the door instead. I never heard another word out of him. I didn't even turn on the audio story. He must have been really tired!
I think all of us are a lot like my youngest. We get very tired and overwhelmed with things that are going on. Instead of pausing and saying, "Why am I feeling this way? What is really going on here?" and slowing down a little, we just start spinning like a top. I know I do. God loves us and wants to pick us up, put our jammies on and send us to rest. We don't always hear Him though. Sometimes, we get caught up in our everyday life and worries and we forget to just take a deep breath and be still for a moment. Be still.
I know what you are thinking, "I do not have time for that! That Hannah is one crazy broad! When does she ever have time to pause and take a breath?" I'm not necessarily talking about physically being still, although that is important too. What I am talking about is being still in your spirit. If you have all these thoughts of kids, work, what you are having for dinner, stresses, what your husband said last night that hurt you, the dog pooping on the living room floor, the beds that need made, and the vacuming that needs done, how can you possibly hear from your Father? How can He guide you when you are too busy to listen and talk to Him about your problems. The dishes can wait. No one will die from walking on floors that need vacumed.
Something else that is a common misconception (I know because I used to believe this) is that you have to bow your head and close your eyes to pray or talk to God. This is not true! I'm going to let you in on an awesome secret.....God can hear you right where you are! I talk to God when I am driving, cleaning the toilet, and even at work. My personal favorite is in the shower. The door is locked, I am relaxed, and I'm in my own little cubicle of cleanliness. I am washing off the days grime and talking to my Daddy. Think of it as your personal cell phone to your Lord. Your 'prayer phone'. (I should copyright this stuff Heehee!) He is never too busy. He wants to hear from you at all times, in all things.
Since he isn't physically there to stop us and slow us down when we need rest like I did for my son, we need to recogize the signs in ourselves and act on it. Sometimes, you need to take yourself out of the game. You will feel much better for it. It could be as simple as relegating yourself into your bedroom for 30 minutes and having some personal time with God. I tell the kids, "I need some Mommy time okay?" and I pop in a 30 minute cartoon. I pray in front of my kids all the time. They need to see that too. However, sometimes you need some personal time with your Father. It would be the difference of carrying on a conversation with your friend in a crowded room, and if you were one on one drinking coffee in your kitchen. Both scenarios can have rewarding outcomes but sometimes you need that 'Daddy and Me' time.
It's important for everyone to do this but especially for us single parents. We don't have a spouse to say, "Here honey, let me help you. Are you okay?" We need to get to know ourselves, and our God, well enough to know when it is time to slow down. Love yourself enough to give yourself a break. God does. If it any easier on you here you go.....This is Mama Hannah telling you that you need a time out! Go talk to your Father! *Teehee* Love you guys........
Daniel 10:19
Tonight, my youngest son got sent to bed early. The kids were playing kitties and having a great time. He went overboard. Got too loud and too rough. I had to break it up. I was helping him get his pull-up and pajamas on, all while he was howling his protests. I couldn't help but notice that no tears accompamnied his cries. I went to close the door and he stopped crying. (He knows that it gets shut if he continues to cry) I opened the door instead. I never heard another word out of him. I didn't even turn on the audio story. He must have been really tired!
I think all of us are a lot like my youngest. We get very tired and overwhelmed with things that are going on. Instead of pausing and saying, "Why am I feeling this way? What is really going on here?" and slowing down a little, we just start spinning like a top. I know I do. God loves us and wants to pick us up, put our jammies on and send us to rest. We don't always hear Him though. Sometimes, we get caught up in our everyday life and worries and we forget to just take a deep breath and be still for a moment. Be still.
I know what you are thinking, "I do not have time for that! That Hannah is one crazy broad! When does she ever have time to pause and take a breath?" I'm not necessarily talking about physically being still, although that is important too. What I am talking about is being still in your spirit. If you have all these thoughts of kids, work, what you are having for dinner, stresses, what your husband said last night that hurt you, the dog pooping on the living room floor, the beds that need made, and the vacuming that needs done, how can you possibly hear from your Father? How can He guide you when you are too busy to listen and talk to Him about your problems. The dishes can wait. No one will die from walking on floors that need vacumed.
Something else that is a common misconception (I know because I used to believe this) is that you have to bow your head and close your eyes to pray or talk to God. This is not true! I'm going to let you in on an awesome secret.....God can hear you right where you are! I talk to God when I am driving, cleaning the toilet, and even at work. My personal favorite is in the shower. The door is locked, I am relaxed, and I'm in my own little cubicle of cleanliness. I am washing off the days grime and talking to my Daddy. Think of it as your personal cell phone to your Lord. Your 'prayer phone'. (I should copyright this stuff Heehee!) He is never too busy. He wants to hear from you at all times, in all things.
Since he isn't physically there to stop us and slow us down when we need rest like I did for my son, we need to recogize the signs in ourselves and act on it. Sometimes, you need to take yourself out of the game. You will feel much better for it. It could be as simple as relegating yourself into your bedroom for 30 minutes and having some personal time with God. I tell the kids, "I need some Mommy time okay?" and I pop in a 30 minute cartoon. I pray in front of my kids all the time. They need to see that too. However, sometimes you need some personal time with your Father. It would be the difference of carrying on a conversation with your friend in a crowded room, and if you were one on one drinking coffee in your kitchen. Both scenarios can have rewarding outcomes but sometimes you need that 'Daddy and Me' time.
It's important for everyone to do this but especially for us single parents. We don't have a spouse to say, "Here honey, let me help you. Are you okay?" We need to get to know ourselves, and our God, well enough to know when it is time to slow down. Love yourself enough to give yourself a break. God does. If it any easier on you here you go.....This is Mama Hannah telling you that you need a time out! Go talk to your Father! *Teehee* Love you guys........
Daniel 10:19
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Strength in weakness
This really has been 'one of those days'. I ran the gambit of emotions today; frustrated, angry, broken, sad, confused, torn, spent, and peaceful. It wasn't all at once though, thank goodness! I might explode if I felt all that at the same time. It all started yesterday.....
I had a lot of fun Friday night but I came home to the same problems. Dirty dishes, laundry, homework, and grumpy kids were all clamoring for my attention. I really needed to recharge but how could I possibly do that with all this stuff in my face and running through my head? I ignored the warning signs that I needed to slow down. Instead, I kept running in circles. Are you seeing where this is heading yet?
My daughter had a soccer game yesterday. I put on my soccer Mom pin with my daughter's picture on it and we were off. These girls that my daughters team was playing were rough! She got pushed down twice and kicked once. They were just plain mean! Of course my daughter's team got crushed. I was standing by one of her teammate's Dads when they came running out of the gym. Her little friend was in tears. Come to find out, one of the girls from the other team had called her a loser. Can you believe that! These are 3rd graders! This is how my thought process went....How dare they mess with these girls like that. This is absolutely ridiculous! Pushing down my baby girl! She is tiny compared to these other girls. This is why I don't watch professional competitive sports. It's just a freaking game people! It should be fun, not life and death. I ought to take that girl over my knee, or at the very least give her mother a piece of my mind!
We left there and went home. This point is where my kids started bickering. In the car of all places. My 6 year old son was laughing at something that was on the radio, but my daughter got it into her head that he was finding amusement in the bruises she received in the game. I was trying to talk on the phone and vent to my brother about the absurdity of the game. (One of my biggest pet peeves is people talking and being loud while I am on the phone.) My 2 year old son was feeding off of us all and singing the ABC's at the top of his lungs. Doesn't this paint a pretty picture of family bliss?
We got home and I sent everyone to their rooms to cool off. My mood was getting worse and worse. I kept thinking about everything I needed to do and wasn't doing. And I kept thinking about how bad I wanted to move to a different, bigger house. Maybe even a house that's big enough for all the kids to have their own rooms and a playroom.Then, in the backyard would be a little house for me to live in. Just joking! Calm down! I can have my little pink and purple dreams can't I? My little duplex is pretty small, but when we are all in foul moods it gets even smaller.
After our quiet time we decided to put in a movie and watch it. It was my youngest son's turn to choose and wouldn't you know he picked a Barbie movie? Oh, I hear a nap calling me! I turned on the TV and laid down on the couch. I had just closed eyes when my nephews came over and asked to spend the night. 5 little, eager, shining faces promised me everything but their firstborn children if I would let them have a sleepover. How can I possibly say no to that? I love my nephews to pieces! The cool thing about my brother and sister-in-law living so close, is that we pretty much raise our kids together. Needless to say, my 3 year old and 5 year old nephews joined the ranks last night.
We had a wholesome dinner of macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. The kids played hard. At 9pm it was time to change into pajamas and put in a movie. They all got their blankets and pillows and got into position on the living room floor. Before I put in the movie, I explained to them that I was getting on the treadmill and if I had to stop it to come in and referee, they were all going to bed. 5 little heads nodded and said they would be very quiet and watch the movie. I gave them the big mama look just to make sure they knew that I meant business. I went in my room and spent 45 minutes huffing and puffing. Miraculously, I didn't get interrupted at all. I felt really good when I got off. Like I had accomplished something. In fact, I felt so good that I did another load of laundry. My oldest nephew was still up and talked me into letting him sleep with me. He put on a movie in my room, I set the sleep timer and went to sleep.
About an hour later, my daughter crawled in between my nephew and I. We were both too tired to protest, so he allowed her to shove him aside and crawl under the covers. Next thing you know, there is a bump in the night. It's my nephew, hitting the floor after my daughter wiggled him right off the bed. He didn't even cry. I got out of bed and put him on the couch. I told him he would be safer there. He agreed and went right back to sleep.
I woke up to hungry kids and complaints of, "Cereal again! You usually make pancakes Sunday morning!" I explained to them that we didn't have time for pancakes and I hadn't gone to the grocery store lately to purchase what I needed to make it. Even though I was trying to be patient, I was snapping at them. I called my sister in law and she agreed to take the kids after church so I could have a few hours to myself. So, I took a deep breath and ordered everyone into the car for church.
During praise and worship, I found myself being torn. I can't hold, cuddle with, talk to, or sit by any of the kids (including my nephews) without someone getting jealous. I usually find it a little amusing, but this morning I was not in the mood. How can one person be split 5 ways to give each child what they need and still reserve something to keep themselves sane? This is not anything I usually struggle with. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a kid person. I have what I like to call "Big Mama Syndrome". Any children who happen to be around me get pulled into my brood. Kids are drawn to me. I love it! I always wanted a big family but God had other plans. I only have one biological child. I think that this is why some people get confused on how many kids I really have. I was singing and trying to get into the worship of it. I couldn't focus. I just prayed for God to take this uneasiness away. I told him I was giving all my worry to Him; my children, the safety of my home, my finances, my loneliness. I wasn't holding a thing back. I just needed Him to comfort me. Please God! Comfort me! Your beloved is crying out to You!
At this point, my youngest son pushed my youngest nephew and they both bumped into me. I separated them and pulled my son on the other side of me. He started crying like I had broken his little heart. I picked him up and rubbed his back. I told him that I loved him. I told him it was okay, just to relax. I understood how frustrated he was. As much as he loves them, my nephews were taking up some of his space. Then it hit me, this is how I am feeling. The same way I am comforting and cuddling my son, is the same thing that my Father wants to do for me. He loves me beyond anything I can understand. I just needed to slow down long enough for Him to do it.
After the church service, I cried in the car. I met my sister in law at her house and went home. I didn't turn on the TV, radio, or computer. I really wanted to cheat on my diet. I didn't though. I go through phases like that. It really is self-destructive. I have a bad day when I can't live up to the super Mom that I feel everyone expects me to be. I am pretty sure I'm not the only one who has problems with that. I say that I live my life for God, but then I take everything on my shoulders instead of placing it where it belongs. Jesus didn't die for me and offer me eternal life to watch me struggle through things. He wants all of me. Even the little stuff that bothers me. Yes, He is almighty. However, that doesn't mean that He is too big to handle the small, everyday junk. Even God rested on the seventh day. Why can't I? I need to learn to ask for help when I know I need it. I also need to learn to accept help when it is offered.
In the middle of my crying out to Him, I fell asleep. I felt much better when I woke up. I went and picked up my kids. We played outside and I got my homework done while they watched part of a movie. It's one of our favorites. We can all recite almost all the lines..."Good afternoon. My name is Russell. I am a Wilderness Explorer."...."Squirrel!!" I read a story to them, they had their baths and all went to bed happy and exhausted. I got on the treadmill and am now blogging. There is an unmistakable peace in my home right now. There is great strength in my weakness. When I am at my worst is when God is at His best because that's when I let Him take over. Someday soon, I am going to get to the point where I don't have to be in melt down mode to receive that revelation.
Father, give me the strength to realize that I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to. I need to learn to take time out and seek Your face at all times, not just in times of stress. Thank you for loving me and blessing me with these children, who teach me about Your love everyday. Give me the grace to raise them how You want them to be raised. Help me to be the mother that You created me to be. Let me love them like You do, Lord.
This is the Bible verse that I am hiding in my heart today. Matthew 11:28-30
I had a lot of fun Friday night but I came home to the same problems. Dirty dishes, laundry, homework, and grumpy kids were all clamoring for my attention. I really needed to recharge but how could I possibly do that with all this stuff in my face and running through my head? I ignored the warning signs that I needed to slow down. Instead, I kept running in circles. Are you seeing where this is heading yet?
My daughter had a soccer game yesterday. I put on my soccer Mom pin with my daughter's picture on it and we were off. These girls that my daughters team was playing were rough! She got pushed down twice and kicked once. They were just plain mean! Of course my daughter's team got crushed. I was standing by one of her teammate's Dads when they came running out of the gym. Her little friend was in tears. Come to find out, one of the girls from the other team had called her a loser. Can you believe that! These are 3rd graders! This is how my thought process went....How dare they mess with these girls like that. This is absolutely ridiculous! Pushing down my baby girl! She is tiny compared to these other girls. This is why I don't watch professional competitive sports. It's just a freaking game people! It should be fun, not life and death. I ought to take that girl over my knee, or at the very least give her mother a piece of my mind!
We left there and went home. This point is where my kids started bickering. In the car of all places. My 6 year old son was laughing at something that was on the radio, but my daughter got it into her head that he was finding amusement in the bruises she received in the game. I was trying to talk on the phone and vent to my brother about the absurdity of the game. (One of my biggest pet peeves is people talking and being loud while I am on the phone.) My 2 year old son was feeding off of us all and singing the ABC's at the top of his lungs. Doesn't this paint a pretty picture of family bliss?
We got home and I sent everyone to their rooms to cool off. My mood was getting worse and worse. I kept thinking about everything I needed to do and wasn't doing. And I kept thinking about how bad I wanted to move to a different, bigger house. Maybe even a house that's big enough for all the kids to have their own rooms and a playroom.Then, in the backyard would be a little house for me to live in. Just joking! Calm down! I can have my little pink and purple dreams can't I? My little duplex is pretty small, but when we are all in foul moods it gets even smaller.
After our quiet time we decided to put in a movie and watch it. It was my youngest son's turn to choose and wouldn't you know he picked a Barbie movie? Oh, I hear a nap calling me! I turned on the TV and laid down on the couch. I had just closed eyes when my nephews came over and asked to spend the night. 5 little, eager, shining faces promised me everything but their firstborn children if I would let them have a sleepover. How can I possibly say no to that? I love my nephews to pieces! The cool thing about my brother and sister-in-law living so close, is that we pretty much raise our kids together. Needless to say, my 3 year old and 5 year old nephews joined the ranks last night.
We had a wholesome dinner of macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. The kids played hard. At 9pm it was time to change into pajamas and put in a movie. They all got their blankets and pillows and got into position on the living room floor. Before I put in the movie, I explained to them that I was getting on the treadmill and if I had to stop it to come in and referee, they were all going to bed. 5 little heads nodded and said they would be very quiet and watch the movie. I gave them the big mama look just to make sure they knew that I meant business. I went in my room and spent 45 minutes huffing and puffing. Miraculously, I didn't get interrupted at all. I felt really good when I got off. Like I had accomplished something. In fact, I felt so good that I did another load of laundry. My oldest nephew was still up and talked me into letting him sleep with me. He put on a movie in my room, I set the sleep timer and went to sleep.
About an hour later, my daughter crawled in between my nephew and I. We were both too tired to protest, so he allowed her to shove him aside and crawl under the covers. Next thing you know, there is a bump in the night. It's my nephew, hitting the floor after my daughter wiggled him right off the bed. He didn't even cry. I got out of bed and put him on the couch. I told him he would be safer there. He agreed and went right back to sleep.
I woke up to hungry kids and complaints of, "Cereal again! You usually make pancakes Sunday morning!" I explained to them that we didn't have time for pancakes and I hadn't gone to the grocery store lately to purchase what I needed to make it. Even though I was trying to be patient, I was snapping at them. I called my sister in law and she agreed to take the kids after church so I could have a few hours to myself. So, I took a deep breath and ordered everyone into the car for church.
During praise and worship, I found myself being torn. I can't hold, cuddle with, talk to, or sit by any of the kids (including my nephews) without someone getting jealous. I usually find it a little amusing, but this morning I was not in the mood. How can one person be split 5 ways to give each child what they need and still reserve something to keep themselves sane? This is not anything I usually struggle with. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a kid person. I have what I like to call "Big Mama Syndrome". Any children who happen to be around me get pulled into my brood. Kids are drawn to me. I love it! I always wanted a big family but God had other plans. I only have one biological child. I think that this is why some people get confused on how many kids I really have. I was singing and trying to get into the worship of it. I couldn't focus. I just prayed for God to take this uneasiness away. I told him I was giving all my worry to Him; my children, the safety of my home, my finances, my loneliness. I wasn't holding a thing back. I just needed Him to comfort me. Please God! Comfort me! Your beloved is crying out to You!
At this point, my youngest son pushed my youngest nephew and they both bumped into me. I separated them and pulled my son on the other side of me. He started crying like I had broken his little heart. I picked him up and rubbed his back. I told him that I loved him. I told him it was okay, just to relax. I understood how frustrated he was. As much as he loves them, my nephews were taking up some of his space. Then it hit me, this is how I am feeling. The same way I am comforting and cuddling my son, is the same thing that my Father wants to do for me. He loves me beyond anything I can understand. I just needed to slow down long enough for Him to do it.
After the church service, I cried in the car. I met my sister in law at her house and went home. I didn't turn on the TV, radio, or computer. I really wanted to cheat on my diet. I didn't though. I go through phases like that. It really is self-destructive. I have a bad day when I can't live up to the super Mom that I feel everyone expects me to be. I am pretty sure I'm not the only one who has problems with that. I say that I live my life for God, but then I take everything on my shoulders instead of placing it where it belongs. Jesus didn't die for me and offer me eternal life to watch me struggle through things. He wants all of me. Even the little stuff that bothers me. Yes, He is almighty. However, that doesn't mean that He is too big to handle the small, everyday junk. Even God rested on the seventh day. Why can't I? I need to learn to ask for help when I know I need it. I also need to learn to accept help when it is offered.
In the middle of my crying out to Him, I fell asleep. I felt much better when I woke up. I went and picked up my kids. We played outside and I got my homework done while they watched part of a movie. It's one of our favorites. We can all recite almost all the lines..."Good afternoon. My name is Russell. I am a Wilderness Explorer."...."Squirrel!!" I read a story to them, they had their baths and all went to bed happy and exhausted. I got on the treadmill and am now blogging. There is an unmistakable peace in my home right now. There is great strength in my weakness. When I am at my worst is when God is at His best because that's when I let Him take over. Someday soon, I am going to get to the point where I don't have to be in melt down mode to receive that revelation.
Father, give me the strength to realize that I can't do everything. I'm not supposed to. I need to learn to take time out and seek Your face at all times, not just in times of stress. Thank you for loving me and blessing me with these children, who teach me about Your love everyday. Give me the grace to raise them how You want them to be raised. Help me to be the mother that You created me to be. Let me love them like You do, Lord.
This is the Bible verse that I am hiding in my heart today. Matthew 11:28-30
Saturday, March 27, 2010
My kids and my non-existant social life
Good afternoon blog land! How are you today? I wish I could really carry on a conversation with you guys. Instead, you get to read my aimless ramblings. Aren't you lucky? I needed a break from my Saturday house cleaning activities so I thought I would make use of it. I actually got to sleep in this morning until 8:30! Can you believe it? The only downside of that is it meant that I had to drive in my pajamas and Medusa hairdo to drop my daughter off for her activity. Thank goodness I didn't have to get out. She said, "Mom will you walk up there with me?" I looked down at my pajamas and looked back at her. Then she said, "Uh, never mind. See you!" I couldn't help but feel that I dodged a bullet on that one. I'm sure she felt the same way.
Yesterday started out kind of shaky. Let me back up here and explain something. On Wednesday morning I didn't have class, so I was still in my pj's at 8:30. My youngest son was playing in the living room. There was a knock at the door. Crap! So, I wrap my arms around my chest to keep the girls held back (I didn't even have a bra on!) and answered the door. There was the maintenance guy. He walks right by me and announces that he has a list of stuff he has to fix from the inspection that was done 2 weeks ago. I told him that I wish I would have known he was coming so I could have gotten dressed. His reply was to not worry about it because people walk around in their pajamas all the time. Well, I don't. He walks into the bathroom and says that he has to run to the store to get some things. It would have taken him at least 10 minutes to drive there and back so I locked the door and jumped in the shower. I took 3 minutes tops. I got out of the shower and went to my bedroom. My son says, "Mom, that guy was here. He came back."
I was pissed! There is no other word for it! So, I got dressed and brushed my hair. I opened my front door so he would know that I was out of the shower. After a few minutes, he opens the front door and says, "Are you ready for me now?" He proceeded to fix what he needed to and left. No apology or mention of it at all.
So, yesterday morning I had to take a shower when it was just my youngest and I again. I decided on a bath. I could hear him talking in the living room but I couldn't tell if he was talking to himself or someone else so I did a quick rinse off and got out. I started to feel really shaky. I don't feel safe in my own home anymore! I couldn't help but think if there was a man in the house, liberties like that wouldn't be taken. Urgh! So, I went to work pretty stressed. I prayed a lot about it and was able to process stuff through. I made a formal complaint with the management of my duplex. She listened to me but I don't think she really heard me. That's all I can do. I tried to budget out to see if there was a way I could afford to move. Unless a miraculous something happens, I can't. I did pray about it though and I learned a long time ago to not put God in a little box. Finances mean nothing to Him. He can do anything. By evening time I was feeling better.
A friend and I had been trying to get together for about a month for 99cent Margarita night at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. She had been wanting to take me out for my birthday. We finally had a kid free night together and decided to go. We both got there and ate chips and had dinner and our drinks. We had an absolute blast!! By our second margarita, I was slurring my words a bit and her hand motions were getting bigger and bigger. I said, "This is too funny! This place is crowded and these tables are pretty close. What must people be thinking of us as we sit here with our margaritas, laughing, and talking loudly about God?" We had been sharing our testimonies and daily struggles with being parents and raising them with faith, laughing the whole time. She replied, "Honey, Jesus made that water into wine! You know He wanted them to have a good time!" I laughed so hard! We ended up staying for 3 hours, talking away. I only had 2 drinks though. By the time we left we were both sobered up. On the drive home I had to stop and think when the last time was that I had an evening out with no kids at all. It has been about 6 months since my daughter stopped going to her Dad's every other weekend. I think it had been at least that long! I resolved to go out with friends like that at least once a month. Everyone needs to recharge, right?
When I got home my youngest son yelled, "Hi, Mom!" as he ran by me. He was intent on the game he was playing with my nephews. My daughter and my other son, that was a different story. "Mom, where have you been? We have been waiting for you! You were gone a long time!" My daughter had her hands on her hips and my son's arms were crossed. They meant business. "I went to dinner with a friend. I was only gone for 3 hours. That's not that long." My daughter's eyes narrowed. "Who was this friend, Mom? Do I know them?" I replied, "No, you don't know her. I met her at book club." She relaxed, "Oh okay." Did she think I was on a date? Boy, will it ever be a shock to her system when I do meet my man and start dating him!
It was good to be home. I took off my shoes and called my sister. She was telling me about her promotion at work. All of a sudden, I hear a scream and then my daughter comes stomping in the kitchen. My jaw dropped. She is standing in front of me, head bobbing and her little pointer finger was flying, "Do you know what he did? He was trying to get a blanket out of the cupourd by my room and I thought someone was knocking! I opened my bedroom door and hit my head! It's all his fault! I am so sick of him messing with me!!" She didn't just say this, she yelled it. I tried to keep a straight face. "Let me get this straight. By him getting a blanket, he made you hit your head?" I couldn't help it. I started laughing. Loudly. She shrieked indignantly and stomped off to her room saying, "No one takes me seriously in this house!" I was still on the phone with my sister. She was chuckling too. "Did you hear what she said?", I asked her. "No,"she replied. "I could hear that it was very dramatic just by her tone though. How dare you laugh, Hannah!" We were both howling at this point. "Oh geez! See what happens to my children when I start to get a life of my own? They rebel and I laugh!"
This is one of the things I struggle with, and I'm sure my kids do too. I am their only stability. I am also only one person. They each need a little individual time with me. I also need a little time to myself. There is only 1 of me and 3 of them. Those are not great odds. I do my best to spend quality time with them. I think I do okay. At times, I get overwhelmed. Who wouldn't? I work 2 part-time jobs, go to school full time, am a single mom and a foster parent. That's a lot. How do I do it all? Faith. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without God's grace and peace. He fills me up and gives me the spiritual and emotional strength to get through my crazy days. He is also preparing a special someone to walk this path with me. It will be nice to have someone to help me and love me and spend time with. I will also be happy to help, love, and spend time with him. Where is he? I don't know. God does. I am ready whenever you are God. Hear me up there? Okay, just checking. Just because I love and trust Him doesn't mean I am always patient. I am only human, after all!!
Yesterday started out kind of shaky. Let me back up here and explain something. On Wednesday morning I didn't have class, so I was still in my pj's at 8:30. My youngest son was playing in the living room. There was a knock at the door. Crap! So, I wrap my arms around my chest to keep the girls held back (I didn't even have a bra on!) and answered the door. There was the maintenance guy. He walks right by me and announces that he has a list of stuff he has to fix from the inspection that was done 2 weeks ago. I told him that I wish I would have known he was coming so I could have gotten dressed. His reply was to not worry about it because people walk around in their pajamas all the time. Well, I don't. He walks into the bathroom and says that he has to run to the store to get some things. It would have taken him at least 10 minutes to drive there and back so I locked the door and jumped in the shower. I took 3 minutes tops. I got out of the shower and went to my bedroom. My son says, "Mom, that guy was here. He came back."
I was pissed! There is no other word for it! So, I got dressed and brushed my hair. I opened my front door so he would know that I was out of the shower. After a few minutes, he opens the front door and says, "Are you ready for me now?" He proceeded to fix what he needed to and left. No apology or mention of it at all.
So, yesterday morning I had to take a shower when it was just my youngest and I again. I decided on a bath. I could hear him talking in the living room but I couldn't tell if he was talking to himself or someone else so I did a quick rinse off and got out. I started to feel really shaky. I don't feel safe in my own home anymore! I couldn't help but think if there was a man in the house, liberties like that wouldn't be taken. Urgh! So, I went to work pretty stressed. I prayed a lot about it and was able to process stuff through. I made a formal complaint with the management of my duplex. She listened to me but I don't think she really heard me. That's all I can do. I tried to budget out to see if there was a way I could afford to move. Unless a miraculous something happens, I can't. I did pray about it though and I learned a long time ago to not put God in a little box. Finances mean nothing to Him. He can do anything. By evening time I was feeling better.
A friend and I had been trying to get together for about a month for 99cent Margarita night at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. She had been wanting to take me out for my birthday. We finally had a kid free night together and decided to go. We both got there and ate chips and had dinner and our drinks. We had an absolute blast!! By our second margarita, I was slurring my words a bit and her hand motions were getting bigger and bigger. I said, "This is too funny! This place is crowded and these tables are pretty close. What must people be thinking of us as we sit here with our margaritas, laughing, and talking loudly about God?" We had been sharing our testimonies and daily struggles with being parents and raising them with faith, laughing the whole time. She replied, "Honey, Jesus made that water into wine! You know He wanted them to have a good time!" I laughed so hard! We ended up staying for 3 hours, talking away. I only had 2 drinks though. By the time we left we were both sobered up. On the drive home I had to stop and think when the last time was that I had an evening out with no kids at all. It has been about 6 months since my daughter stopped going to her Dad's every other weekend. I think it had been at least that long! I resolved to go out with friends like that at least once a month. Everyone needs to recharge, right?
When I got home my youngest son yelled, "Hi, Mom!" as he ran by me. He was intent on the game he was playing with my nephews. My daughter and my other son, that was a different story. "Mom, where have you been? We have been waiting for you! You were gone a long time!" My daughter had her hands on her hips and my son's arms were crossed. They meant business. "I went to dinner with a friend. I was only gone for 3 hours. That's not that long." My daughter's eyes narrowed. "Who was this friend, Mom? Do I know them?" I replied, "No, you don't know her. I met her at book club." She relaxed, "Oh okay." Did she think I was on a date? Boy, will it ever be a shock to her system when I do meet my man and start dating him!
It was good to be home. I took off my shoes and called my sister. She was telling me about her promotion at work. All of a sudden, I hear a scream and then my daughter comes stomping in the kitchen. My jaw dropped. She is standing in front of me, head bobbing and her little pointer finger was flying, "Do you know what he did? He was trying to get a blanket out of the cupourd by my room and I thought someone was knocking! I opened my bedroom door and hit my head! It's all his fault! I am so sick of him messing with me!!" She didn't just say this, she yelled it. I tried to keep a straight face. "Let me get this straight. By him getting a blanket, he made you hit your head?" I couldn't help it. I started laughing. Loudly. She shrieked indignantly and stomped off to her room saying, "No one takes me seriously in this house!" I was still on the phone with my sister. She was chuckling too. "Did you hear what she said?", I asked her. "No,"she replied. "I could hear that it was very dramatic just by her tone though. How dare you laugh, Hannah!" We were both howling at this point. "Oh geez! See what happens to my children when I start to get a life of my own? They rebel and I laugh!"
This is one of the things I struggle with, and I'm sure my kids do too. I am their only stability. I am also only one person. They each need a little individual time with me. I also need a little time to myself. There is only 1 of me and 3 of them. Those are not great odds. I do my best to spend quality time with them. I think I do okay. At times, I get overwhelmed. Who wouldn't? I work 2 part-time jobs, go to school full time, am a single mom and a foster parent. That's a lot. How do I do it all? Faith. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without God's grace and peace. He fills me up and gives me the spiritual and emotional strength to get through my crazy days. He is also preparing a special someone to walk this path with me. It will be nice to have someone to help me and love me and spend time with. I will also be happy to help, love, and spend time with him. Where is he? I don't know. God does. I am ready whenever you are God. Hear me up there? Okay, just checking. Just because I love and trust Him doesn't mean I am always patient. I am only human, after all!!
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