Hey my blogger buddies! I have had some ideas for some blogs for a while now but I couldn't sit down to focus my thoughts. I have too much stuff running around in my head to not write tonight. There has been so much awesome stuff happening this week that I just had to share!
This week started out pretty frustrating. My boss is out of the country on a much deserved cruise, so I have been running his little Bistro by myself. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal but I didn't consider everything else I would have going on at the same time. I had 3 finals this week on top of the kids and my other job. I realized it would be a little more stressful than I planned. The timing wasn't real great but that's okay. I could handle it.
Then, I got a phone call on Saturday, the day my boss was leaving town. One of our regular customers wanted a catering job done to be picked up Monday afternoon! That was an awesome blessing for the business, but stress city for me! Not only would I be running the Bistro by myself, I would be doing the catering job by myself. Oh, and did I mention I have never actually done the catering side before? My boss and his wife had always done that part. Well, I guess everyone has to learn somehow. Sometimes, I just wonder why it seems that I always have to learn by being thrown into things headfirst!
Needless to say, I made it through the day just fine. I didn't even pull all my hair out. I got the job done and the customer seemed pleased. Score 1 for Hannah! Afterwards, I felt pretty good. I had proven myself capable of swimming when I was thrown in the deep end. Go me!
On Tuesday I decided that I needed to get a few capris and shirts for my trip next week. I was kicking myself because at the end of last Summer I threw away all my shorts and capris. I had been wearing the same ones for 3 years and was sick of them. I figured since I will be in Mexico in May, it is bound to be hot. I won't be able to wear my jeans and boots there and be comfortable. Shuckie-darn! I had the horrible task of going shopping in my favorite store.....teehee!
Anyway, I get there and my regular sales girls weren't there. The store was being run by a bunch of teenage girls I didn't know. I went and picked out things to try on and my daughter and I went in the dressing room. I found a few things I liked but needed different sizes, one bigger and one smaller. I sent my daughter out with the items to give to the salespeople. I stood there in my underwear for 10 minutes. I started to get chilly so I put on my clothes and went out to find out what was taking so long. Immediately I see my daughter at the front counter, standing by a sales associate who was talking to another sales associate, my clothes in her hand. The other girl leaves and the girl holding my clothes starts wandering around aimlessly.
My daughter looks at me and shrugs. I said, "What is she doing? Didn't you give her those shorts?" "I did Mom. She just now started looking for them. She has been talking to that other girl." She replied. My eyebrows raised. My temper was starting to rise. My daughter could tell too. I walked over to the girl, my daughter close on my heels. She had begun to talk to the other associate who was working. I cleared my throat. "Excuse me, I sent my daughter to you 10 minutes ago with 2 pairs of shorts to get me different sizes." She looked confused. She looked at the clothing in her hand and then looked back at me. "Oh, yeah. Well, I like, couldn't find the right size." Then, she popped her gum and stared at me. My eyebrows got higher. My daughter was getting nervous. She knows when my eyebrows disappear into my hairline, I am not at all happy and someone else is getting ready to not be happy right along with me.
However, instead of blowing up I went back to the dressing room and put on my shoes. On my way out the door I asked when the manager was going to be in. They told me and I stalked away. I was super frustrated! I had never been treated that way in that store. I shop there so much that the sales people know my name. They even know my size and help me pick out clothes because they know the style of stuff I like. They know the names and ages of my kids too. Where am I going to get my clothes now? Plus, we are in Kansas so what is with the Valley Girl accents? Like, get real, like. Grrrr!!
I went home frustrated. I sat and stewed for a while and then got over it. I can always go in when different people are there. Those girls just made me feel like I was beneath them. I really don't like it when people do that. To be fair though, I am sometimes sensitive to stuff like that so I have to take that particular feeling with a grain of salt. Tomorrow was a new day and I had plenty of time to shop.
Wednesday was the morning I was going to cut out my dresses. Yes, I did say dresses. As a respect to their culture, the women on the mission base have to wear skirts in services and when they leave the base. We will be worshiping and leaving the base almost every day. This presented a problem to this girl who never wears dresses. I decided it would be a better idea to have my sister-in-law sew me some flowy dresses than to wear a shirt with a skirt. We went to cut it out and the pattern was too small for me!
I know that patterns run small because I used to help my Mom sew all the time. When we made my 8th grade graduation formal, we had to get a pattern that was 2 sizes bigger than the clothes I wear off the rack. I knew all that, but it still upset me. I sat down and cried. If I knew about this trip 5 months ago, why aren't I 50 pounds lighter? Why didn't I spend every waking minute exercising and dieting? I mean, I'm not a cow but I'm not skinny minny either. I am a woman with real curves. I was really depressed now. I was even starting to not want to go. So instead of crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head, I called a good friend of mine.
Somehow she managed to understand my dilemma through my tears. She gave me a Mom worthy pep talk. The things she told me really made sense. I went something like this...."You have been looking forward to this trip for long time. People have been saying that whole time that you are going to have incredible experiences there. Do you think the enemy want you there, knowing it will be a life changing experience for you? No way! Besides, you are not that big. I don't want you to say that you are thinking about not going, because you are going. In fact, all this trouble should make you even more excited. You wouldn't be having all these problems now, if amazing things weren't going to happen there." We talked about some other things. Before I got off the phone she told me that before I bought anything I should come to her house. She has some clothes that were too small she thought I would like.
I was feeling much better after our talk. I went to drop my youngest off at the babysitters and headed to her house. She was grinning and said for me to sit down and look through the trash sack full of things she had put together. I sat down and started pulling things out one by one. Every single thing in there was my style and my size! I looked up at her with my jaw dropped. A few things even had tags on them! "Where did you get all this?" "Well, I have had this stuff for a while. I just couldn't get rid of it. When I was going through these clothes to put some together for you I just kept thinking, 'Okay God, You are so funny!" I could not believe it! If I hadn't been late to work already, I probably would have given her a little fashion show right then and there, just to see if everything fit.
I got home and tried the clothes on and all but 2 shirts fit me like they were made for me! I can't make this stuff up! I was on cloud 9! My Heavenly Daddy saw my frustration and provided me with clothes for this trip! There are still a few things I have to get but I'm pretty well set. Oh, and my sister-in-laws Grandma is going to sew my dresses for me.
I know that this sounds like a trivial thing, but it was a big deal to me. It seems like just when I am getting frustrated and I pray for Him to reign me in, He comes to the rescue for me. Not only that, but my God does it in such a way that there is now way that it could come anywhere but from Him. Talk about confirmation! I am so over the moon that there are no words to describe!
Mexico here I come! Not that I'm counting or anything, but I leave in 6 days. So excited! The awesome thing is, if God can do these wonderful things for me, He can for you too. God is not a respecter of persons. We are all the same in His eyes. I'm not saying that He will provide you with a trash bag full of clothes but if you turn to Him in your frustration, He will provide for you.
It's like my youngest sons constant struggle with getting dressed in the morning. He always comes out of the bedroom with everything backwards, even underwear. I ask him to go fix it and he starts crying in frustration and sits down and cries. "It's too hard! I can't do it!" I stand there and look at him. He cries for a few minutes and then looks at me. "Mom, can you help me?" I smile at him. "Honey, I was just waiting for you to ask. Using your words is much more effective than throwing a fit isn't it? Here, let me show this trick that my Mom taught me when I was your age....." In no time at all, he is all smiles. He has learned that all he has to do is ask for help and he will get it. He is also learning that the sooner he asks for help, the less frustrated he gets. He has started setting them out upside down so when he puts them on they will be right.
This is something I struggle with. No, I don't mean putting my clothes on backwards. Asking for help instead of internalizing stuff is not always easy. Oh, sure I have lots of friends and am a very social person. Before I started walking with God, I didn't want to count on anyone but myself for most things. Then my Mom died and it seemed that my lifeline died too. I didn't have anyone that I could call in a panic and they would understand drop everything to take care of me. For a few years I walked around dreading what would happen if something really bad went down with me. Then, it happened. I had a tumor that needed removed. I was terrified. I needed help. I couldn't do this one on my own.
In this place of terror, I cried out to God. "Help me Lord! Heal me Lord!" He did heal me. Tumor was taken out and non cancerous. My family and friends pulled through for me too. The next week, my then landlord invited me to her church. I went and it changed my life. God met me there. I'll never be the same. I was done spinning my wheels. I asked for and received help. God was waiting for me that whole time. He was patiently watching me struggle with things and sometimes even throw fits. When I was finally still and looked up at Him and said, "Father will you help me? Will you forgive me?" He looked down at me and said, "Honey I was just waiting for you to ask. Will you follow Me? Will you let me show you the way? I want what's best for you. I will always be right here to help you, my princess. Please remember that."
Don't be afraid to ask for help. He is waiting and watching for you.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Plan B
Finals are next week and boy am I feeling the crunch! Want to know how this Mama is spending her Mother's Day weekend? Studying. Sad I know, but necessary. I was tossing around the idea of taking Summer classes since I didn't last year, but I want some time off. Oh yeah, and it's officially 2 weeks away from Mexico. Yeah! I am so beyond ready to go!
I'm not as worried about my daughter while I am away as I am my foster boys. I don't want them to think that I'm not coming back for them. They have gone to respite before but not for 10 days. I'm going to send them with a picture and lots of hugs, kisses, and reassurance that I will be back. My daughter knows she's stuck with me so I'm not concerned about that. Haha! We have had lots of talks about how much fun she is going to have while I am gone. She's pretty excited about it. She's nervous too though, because this is the longest amount of time we will have spent away from each other.
I had a disappointment yesterday. I had felt a tug to seek full-time employment a few weeks ago. That was crazy and unexpected. I'm not sure if it was just because I was sick of not having any extras and wanting a regular job to help ease that, or if it was my Father prompting it. You see, I have 2 part time jobs and I go to school. I work odd hours so that I am available to my kids. Plus, both jobs are pretty flexible with me on my time so if an emergency comes up I don't stress about that. Getting a regular job would put a major crunch on my time. I was nervous about it but I went ahead and applied for a certain company.
I should explain something here. I am no stranger to work. I have been working since I was 14. When I was in High School I pulled a 30 hour work week and kept my grades up. Not only have I always had a job, I usually worked overtime too. Before I moved to Great Bend 2 years ago, I was at the post office often working 50 hours a week. It was a major change for me to have so much more time with my daughter. It was great! We both loved it, although at first we drove each other crazy. Now, if I'm not able to pick her up from school she is saying, "Mom where were you? You always pick me up!" Heehee.....how quickly she forgets that I was never able to do that before.
So, I stepped outside my comfort zone and put in my resume. I got an interview. Yay! I was getting excited. Not excited about leaving my jobs, but excited that I got an interview. It's been a while since I have had one of those. Then I got a second interview. Hot dog!! I started making plans for full time daycare for the kids. I was getting excited about the possibility of moving to a bigger house. I was starting to plan out a new budget that actually had some extra money left over every week! It's been a long time since that has happened. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I do not want for anything. I just don't have a whole lot of money to throw around for movies or amusement parks or a toy every week. We do a lot of stuff that is very cheap, but mostly free. Parks, the zoo, REC classes for the kids, walks, and playing outside are what we do a lot of.
Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail that they very much appreciated that I applied, but they didn't have a position for me at this time. What?! They gave MY job to someone else? What could they have been thinking? I am fun, spunky, a quick learner, and a very hard worker. I am a huge asset for any team in that company! They didn't want me. That was really difficult. Then I realized, I'm not really disappointed about losing out on that job. I could really care less about it. It was a stretch for me to be thinking about going back full time. The truth is, I wanted them to want me.
I took a mental step back. What? It used to be that I defined myself by my job and how much money I made. I don't anymore. My Lord and His love are what define me! The only person that I need to want me is Him. After my second interview, I had prayed and said, "Lord, I leave this in your hands. I'm not sure about anything other than I want You to direct my life. Will you please be in the middle of this. I want to be where You can use me the most. I love You and I trust You."
Guess He didn't want to have that job. Now, that confused me and kind of chapped me a little bit. I had no desire to get a regular job until a few weeks ago. In fact, I didn't really want to do it. I am very comfortable and happy right where I am. So, I went out on a limb and applied and then get turned down? What's up with that? After I thought about it, I have come to this conclusion.....
I know that God is not the author of confusion. That is someone else entirely. I don't think that God is this Almighty Being who sits up in the heavens and pulls the puppet string just to laugh when we fall. But I do think that sometimes He tests us a little bit. "Are you willing to change everything? How far would you go to do my work?" Let me make one thing clear that my Father already knows. I have no 'plan B'. I am completely sold out and put my faith in Him. Every time I try to take the reigns I screw things up royally.
So, I have to think that I was not meant to be with that company. That is just as well because I have recently come to a new venture. Last week I told a good friend of mine who works for the court system that I would like to start taking kiddos for emergency placement. Let me explain. When kids first get pulled from their homes they don't immediately go into foster care. First they have to go to an emergency placement for 3 or 4 days until they can go to court. It is their first glimpse of "the system". These kids often come broken, hurt, confused, and scared.
I am licensed for 3 foster kids so I actually have one opening. I'm not sure about taking on another full time placement. Right now I have two foster kids who used to live me that want to come back. Both of them have a separate set of issues and I'm not sure if I want to do that again. I love them dearly but it's not always the best thing for them to come back. After all, if I had every child I cared about and wanted to keep safe at my house, I would literally have 20 kids! Maybe this emergency placement thing is the way to go.
Just this week, I have had one placement who did get to go home and I have another one right now. There is a real need for this kind of care! My sister in law told me this morning that she thought maybe this was one of my callings. She said, "Hannah, I know you don't realize this, but that 14 year old girl was acting different when she left than when she came. You made a difference. Just in those three days. That's pretty incredible." Here is the thing though, I am not that special. I have friends who do the exact same thing. They just don't have a blog to talk about it.
So, as usual, I don't know what my future holds. What I do know, is my Lord and Savior is walking with me the whole time. I am in excellent and capable hands. I am so blessed to know that I am Princess and that I am loved. Not a lot of women know that. God, thank you for having my back. Thank you for placing me where You need me. Thank you for reigning me in and listening to me when I need you.
I'm not as worried about my daughter while I am away as I am my foster boys. I don't want them to think that I'm not coming back for them. They have gone to respite before but not for 10 days. I'm going to send them with a picture and lots of hugs, kisses, and reassurance that I will be back. My daughter knows she's stuck with me so I'm not concerned about that. Haha! We have had lots of talks about how much fun she is going to have while I am gone. She's pretty excited about it. She's nervous too though, because this is the longest amount of time we will have spent away from each other.
I had a disappointment yesterday. I had felt a tug to seek full-time employment a few weeks ago. That was crazy and unexpected. I'm not sure if it was just because I was sick of not having any extras and wanting a regular job to help ease that, or if it was my Father prompting it. You see, I have 2 part time jobs and I go to school. I work odd hours so that I am available to my kids. Plus, both jobs are pretty flexible with me on my time so if an emergency comes up I don't stress about that. Getting a regular job would put a major crunch on my time. I was nervous about it but I went ahead and applied for a certain company.
I should explain something here. I am no stranger to work. I have been working since I was 14. When I was in High School I pulled a 30 hour work week and kept my grades up. Not only have I always had a job, I usually worked overtime too. Before I moved to Great Bend 2 years ago, I was at the post office often working 50 hours a week. It was a major change for me to have so much more time with my daughter. It was great! We both loved it, although at first we drove each other crazy. Now, if I'm not able to pick her up from school she is saying, "Mom where were you? You always pick me up!" Heehee.....how quickly she forgets that I was never able to do that before.
So, I stepped outside my comfort zone and put in my resume. I got an interview. Yay! I was getting excited. Not excited about leaving my jobs, but excited that I got an interview. It's been a while since I have had one of those. Then I got a second interview. Hot dog!! I started making plans for full time daycare for the kids. I was getting excited about the possibility of moving to a bigger house. I was starting to plan out a new budget that actually had some extra money left over every week! It's been a long time since that has happened. Don't get me wrong, my kids and I do not want for anything. I just don't have a whole lot of money to throw around for movies or amusement parks or a toy every week. We do a lot of stuff that is very cheap, but mostly free. Parks, the zoo, REC classes for the kids, walks, and playing outside are what we do a lot of.
Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail that they very much appreciated that I applied, but they didn't have a position for me at this time. What?! They gave MY job to someone else? What could they have been thinking? I am fun, spunky, a quick learner, and a very hard worker. I am a huge asset for any team in that company! They didn't want me. That was really difficult. Then I realized, I'm not really disappointed about losing out on that job. I could really care less about it. It was a stretch for me to be thinking about going back full time. The truth is, I wanted them to want me.
I took a mental step back. What? It used to be that I defined myself by my job and how much money I made. I don't anymore. My Lord and His love are what define me! The only person that I need to want me is Him. After my second interview, I had prayed and said, "Lord, I leave this in your hands. I'm not sure about anything other than I want You to direct my life. Will you please be in the middle of this. I want to be where You can use me the most. I love You and I trust You."
Guess He didn't want to have that job. Now, that confused me and kind of chapped me a little bit. I had no desire to get a regular job until a few weeks ago. In fact, I didn't really want to do it. I am very comfortable and happy right where I am. So, I went out on a limb and applied and then get turned down? What's up with that? After I thought about it, I have come to this conclusion.....
I know that God is not the author of confusion. That is someone else entirely. I don't think that God is this Almighty Being who sits up in the heavens and pulls the puppet string just to laugh when we fall. But I do think that sometimes He tests us a little bit. "Are you willing to change everything? How far would you go to do my work?" Let me make one thing clear that my Father already knows. I have no 'plan B'. I am completely sold out and put my faith in Him. Every time I try to take the reigns I screw things up royally.
So, I have to think that I was not meant to be with that company. That is just as well because I have recently come to a new venture. Last week I told a good friend of mine who works for the court system that I would like to start taking kiddos for emergency placement. Let me explain. When kids first get pulled from their homes they don't immediately go into foster care. First they have to go to an emergency placement for 3 or 4 days until they can go to court. It is their first glimpse of "the system". These kids often come broken, hurt, confused, and scared.
I am licensed for 3 foster kids so I actually have one opening. I'm not sure about taking on another full time placement. Right now I have two foster kids who used to live me that want to come back. Both of them have a separate set of issues and I'm not sure if I want to do that again. I love them dearly but it's not always the best thing for them to come back. After all, if I had every child I cared about and wanted to keep safe at my house, I would literally have 20 kids! Maybe this emergency placement thing is the way to go.
Just this week, I have had one placement who did get to go home and I have another one right now. There is a real need for this kind of care! My sister in law told me this morning that she thought maybe this was one of my callings. She said, "Hannah, I know you don't realize this, but that 14 year old girl was acting different when she left than when she came. You made a difference. Just in those three days. That's pretty incredible." Here is the thing though, I am not that special. I have friends who do the exact same thing. They just don't have a blog to talk about it.
So, as usual, I don't know what my future holds. What I do know, is my Lord and Savior is walking with me the whole time. I am in excellent and capable hands. I am so blessed to know that I am Princess and that I am loved. Not a lot of women know that. God, thank you for having my back. Thank you for placing me where You need me. Thank you for reigning me in and listening to me when I need you.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
That little tug
Hey there blogger friends! Don't be mad at me okay? Yes, I realize it has been over a week since my last post. It has been crazy! I'm getting ready for finals, going on job interviews, playing referee for the kids, getting ready physically and spiritually for the mission trip coming up, and trying to keep my house from looking like a disaster area. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention trying to walk my booty off. I've been getting better at it, but I am sad to report that my booty is still there. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. At least I am following through with my commitment to get on the treadmill every day.
The good part about me having had this prolonged absence is that I have quite a bit to blog about. Oh yeah, my kids have been real busy driving me crazy lately! My crazy trio definitely keeps me hopping! I don't know what I would do without them. Well, I could sleep in, have a meal without cutting someone else's food, and not find random things like the remote in the fridge. Wait, that actually sounds kind of boring!
On Saturday, there was a Christian hip hop concert here in town. It was a great opportunity to go see a concert together as a family. And, it was free....one of my all-time favorite words! I wasn't sure what to expect. It has been a long time since I have listened to any rap. When we got there we saw there were quite a few people there that we knew. We went and sat down by our friends and waited for the concert to start. The first artist came on the stage and the DJ was getting everyone pumped up. People started to get out of their seats and were standing close to the stage. These rappers were the real deal. Like my friends said, "They have been there, done that, and bought the tee shirt." They were rapping like crazy and preaching the word at the same time. It was amazing!
My 6 year old son sat back in the bleachers by our friends. It was too loud for him. My daughter, my youngest son, and I went up closer to the stage. She was getting frustrated because she couldn't see so she asked if she could find a place in the very front. I told her to go for it so she did. She weaseled her way all the way to the edge of the stage. She could have reached out and touched every rapper on the stage. She was waving her hands around and having a great time! I should explain something here. My daughter was not at all dressed like a typical rap groupie. She was wearing her glasses that are purple with butterflies on the side, her pink headband with her big pink bow on it, a pink and white shirt with little ruffles on it and it tied in the back, solid pink Capri's, and her white and pink tennis shoes that laced up almost to her knees. And here she was, at the front of the crowd, enjoying the heck out of the music. So cute and funny to see!
I didn't want to be right up front there with all the teeny boppers, so I was a few feet back. I was having a great time, dancing around. Not a lot of people were, but I didn't care. I was having fun! My youngest son wasn't happy about being there at all. He didn't want to sit with our friends, but he wasn't thrilled about being that close to the stage either. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was not letting me out of his sight. He was being grumpy and wanted me to hold him. Now, he is a heavy sack of taters so that didn't last long. He got tired of standing in front of me so he sat down, right in the middle of the crowd. He was right in between my feet so every time I moved around while I was dancing, his head would bop my knees. He was swaying back and forth. To the untrained eye, it looked he was doing a little dance. But when you got a little closer and saw his scowl, you knew better. When people we knew would walk by me and see him they would start giggling. They would try to tell him "Hi" and he would just stare at them. They would say, "What is the matter with him?" I responded with, "He is on duty. He's my bodyguard tonight. I know he looks harmless, but don't touch me. I'm just saying...." And we would have a good laugh over it.
At the end of the concert they had an alter call. Quite a few people gave their lives over to God that night. I was such an inspiration to see! We sat on the sidelines and watched. Afterwards, people were going up on stage to get prayed for. It was mostly for the people that had just accepted Christ as their Savior. My daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, I want to have them pray for me." This is a new thing. My daughter is usually very shy around guys. She has been through a lot and seen more than any child should. She saw me get abused so she is very cautious around guys. That's why I looked so surprised when I responded, "Why? What do you want them to pray for you about?" She wouldn't tell me, but she was very insistent about going up there. She didn't want to go by herself. She was not giving up so I got up and let her lead me to the stage while the boys sat with our friends.
We walked up the steps. The guy that was not occupied with someone, was the DJ. This guy was a big to me, so he must have been huge to my daughter. He was dark and had tattoos and earrings and was wearing mostly black with a hat on. And here is my little redhead in all her pink glory, standing before him. He looked at us both and seemed to be confused. He could tell that we were not there to be led to God. I finally spoke up since my daughter was temporarily speechless. "This is my daughter. She would like you to pray for her." He looked at her, looked at me, and still looked confused. "What does she want prayer for?" I shrugged and looked at my daughter. She looked up at him and said very quietly, "I want a Daddy." There was a myriad of emotions playing across his face. He looked at me for an explanation. I said, "It's complicated. She currently has a PFA against her Dad and she doesn't see him. She has been praying and asking for a Daddy for her and a husband for me." I was tearing up as I explained. This mans face fell and he took a full step back from us. He started weeping. He stepped back up to us and put one hand on my daughters shoulder and one hand on mine. His face was turned up to the ceiling and he started crying out, "Father, Father, this child needs a Daddy. This woman needs a Godly husband. They are hurting, Father." I was sobbing, the DJ was weeping, and my daughter is standing there, calmly looking at us both. I don't even remember all that he said. After he was done praying, he hugged us both.
I don't know what went through his mind as she innocently requested that he pray for her Daddy to come. I don't know why she was so determined to have this man pray for her. What I do know, is that is one of my proudest moments as a Mom. My beautiful, wonderful, courageous daughter swallowed her fear because she felt she was supposed to do something. She felt the tug, and she responded. Even though her own Mom was discouraging her to do it. And guys, she is only 9 years old. I made sure and told her how proud I was of her. She acted like it was no big deal. But it is a huge deal!
I think from time to time all of us feel the tug to do something. Most people can't define it. I can. That's the Holy Spirit trying to guide you. It's so hard to be obedient sometimes. Especially when it could possibly take you outside your comfort zone. But here is what I do know..... you don't know what it could mean to someone else for you to respond to the tug. It could really impact someones life. I have no clue what my daughter's words meant for that man. It could have been a turning point in his walk in faith.
It is such an incredible experience when you leave yourself open to be used for God's purposes. It's not always an easy thing to do, but I really feel that it's necessary. Can't do it, you say? You can't put yourself out there like that? I feel the same way sometimes. However, this is how I am coming to look at it now. If my little girl can do it, we can. Remember, God can and will use you wherever you are. All you have to do is let Him in. Invite Him to guide your steps. You have the opportunity to help your Savior impact someones life today. How amazing is that?!
Thank you God for speaking to my daughter. Thank you for guiding her steps and giving her an obedient heart. Well, at least when it comes to You...heehee. I am so blessed to have children that inspire me. You truly gave me a wondrous gift when You chose me to be her mother. Thank you Lord for being a Father to the Fatherless! My child does not lack a Daddy. She has the best Daddy in the world! I have faith that when the time is right, You will choose an amazing earthly father for her. A father that will protect and guide her and love her like the princess she is. Thank you for keeping us in the palm of your hand.
The good part about me having had this prolonged absence is that I have quite a bit to blog about. Oh yeah, my kids have been real busy driving me crazy lately! My crazy trio definitely keeps me hopping! I don't know what I would do without them. Well, I could sleep in, have a meal without cutting someone else's food, and not find random things like the remote in the fridge. Wait, that actually sounds kind of boring!
On Saturday, there was a Christian hip hop concert here in town. It was a great opportunity to go see a concert together as a family. And, it was free....one of my all-time favorite words! I wasn't sure what to expect. It has been a long time since I have listened to any rap. When we got there we saw there were quite a few people there that we knew. We went and sat down by our friends and waited for the concert to start. The first artist came on the stage and the DJ was getting everyone pumped up. People started to get out of their seats and were standing close to the stage. These rappers were the real deal. Like my friends said, "They have been there, done that, and bought the tee shirt." They were rapping like crazy and preaching the word at the same time. It was amazing!
My 6 year old son sat back in the bleachers by our friends. It was too loud for him. My daughter, my youngest son, and I went up closer to the stage. She was getting frustrated because she couldn't see so she asked if she could find a place in the very front. I told her to go for it so she did. She weaseled her way all the way to the edge of the stage. She could have reached out and touched every rapper on the stage. She was waving her hands around and having a great time! I should explain something here. My daughter was not at all dressed like a typical rap groupie. She was wearing her glasses that are purple with butterflies on the side, her pink headband with her big pink bow on it, a pink and white shirt with little ruffles on it and it tied in the back, solid pink Capri's, and her white and pink tennis shoes that laced up almost to her knees. And here she was, at the front of the crowd, enjoying the heck out of the music. So cute and funny to see!
I didn't want to be right up front there with all the teeny boppers, so I was a few feet back. I was having a great time, dancing around. Not a lot of people were, but I didn't care. I was having fun! My youngest son wasn't happy about being there at all. He didn't want to sit with our friends, but he wasn't thrilled about being that close to the stage either. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was not letting me out of his sight. He was being grumpy and wanted me to hold him. Now, he is a heavy sack of taters so that didn't last long. He got tired of standing in front of me so he sat down, right in the middle of the crowd. He was right in between my feet so every time I moved around while I was dancing, his head would bop my knees. He was swaying back and forth. To the untrained eye, it looked he was doing a little dance. But when you got a little closer and saw his scowl, you knew better. When people we knew would walk by me and see him they would start giggling. They would try to tell him "Hi" and he would just stare at them. They would say, "What is the matter with him?" I responded with, "He is on duty. He's my bodyguard tonight. I know he looks harmless, but don't touch me. I'm just saying...." And we would have a good laugh over it.
At the end of the concert they had an alter call. Quite a few people gave their lives over to God that night. I was such an inspiration to see! We sat on the sidelines and watched. Afterwards, people were going up on stage to get prayed for. It was mostly for the people that had just accepted Christ as their Savior. My daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, I want to have them pray for me." This is a new thing. My daughter is usually very shy around guys. She has been through a lot and seen more than any child should. She saw me get abused so she is very cautious around guys. That's why I looked so surprised when I responded, "Why? What do you want them to pray for you about?" She wouldn't tell me, but she was very insistent about going up there. She didn't want to go by herself. She was not giving up so I got up and let her lead me to the stage while the boys sat with our friends.
We walked up the steps. The guy that was not occupied with someone, was the DJ. This guy was a big to me, so he must have been huge to my daughter. He was dark and had tattoos and earrings and was wearing mostly black with a hat on. And here is my little redhead in all her pink glory, standing before him. He looked at us both and seemed to be confused. He could tell that we were not there to be led to God. I finally spoke up since my daughter was temporarily speechless. "This is my daughter. She would like you to pray for her." He looked at her, looked at me, and still looked confused. "What does she want prayer for?" I shrugged and looked at my daughter. She looked up at him and said very quietly, "I want a Daddy." There was a myriad of emotions playing across his face. He looked at me for an explanation. I said, "It's complicated. She currently has a PFA against her Dad and she doesn't see him. She has been praying and asking for a Daddy for her and a husband for me." I was tearing up as I explained. This mans face fell and he took a full step back from us. He started weeping. He stepped back up to us and put one hand on my daughters shoulder and one hand on mine. His face was turned up to the ceiling and he started crying out, "Father, Father, this child needs a Daddy. This woman needs a Godly husband. They are hurting, Father." I was sobbing, the DJ was weeping, and my daughter is standing there, calmly looking at us both. I don't even remember all that he said. After he was done praying, he hugged us both.
I don't know what went through his mind as she innocently requested that he pray for her Daddy to come. I don't know why she was so determined to have this man pray for her. What I do know, is that is one of my proudest moments as a Mom. My beautiful, wonderful, courageous daughter swallowed her fear because she felt she was supposed to do something. She felt the tug, and she responded. Even though her own Mom was discouraging her to do it. And guys, she is only 9 years old. I made sure and told her how proud I was of her. She acted like it was no big deal. But it is a huge deal!
I think from time to time all of us feel the tug to do something. Most people can't define it. I can. That's the Holy Spirit trying to guide you. It's so hard to be obedient sometimes. Especially when it could possibly take you outside your comfort zone. But here is what I do know..... you don't know what it could mean to someone else for you to respond to the tug. It could really impact someones life. I have no clue what my daughter's words meant for that man. It could have been a turning point in his walk in faith.
It is such an incredible experience when you leave yourself open to be used for God's purposes. It's not always an easy thing to do, but I really feel that it's necessary. Can't do it, you say? You can't put yourself out there like that? I feel the same way sometimes. However, this is how I am coming to look at it now. If my little girl can do it, we can. Remember, God can and will use you wherever you are. All you have to do is let Him in. Invite Him to guide your steps. You have the opportunity to help your Savior impact someones life today. How amazing is that?!
Thank you God for speaking to my daughter. Thank you for guiding her steps and giving her an obedient heart. Well, at least when it comes to You...heehee. I am so blessed to have children that inspire me. You truly gave me a wondrous gift when You chose me to be her mother. Thank you Lord for being a Father to the Fatherless! My child does not lack a Daddy. She has the best Daddy in the world! I have faith that when the time is right, You will choose an amazing earthly father for her. A father that will protect and guide her and love her like the princess she is. Thank you for keeping us in the palm of your hand.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I only look normal......
Happy Sunday everyone! I hope your week has been an incredible one. It has been another week of revelations for me. God is so good to reveal things to me as I need them. It is so easy to focus on the negative instead of the positive.
Now, it is not my goal in life to be this person that men desire and women want to be. Far from it. But it is nice to feel appreciated. For someone to look past my jeans and boots and 20 kids trailing behind me and see the woman within. (You're right, 20 kids is a slight exaggeration. It sometimes feels like that many though.) I have been getting very frustrated. I haven't been on a date in a few years. That is a personal choice so I'm not upset about it or anything. I don't go to bars or clubs or troll the grocery store looking for relationships. In fact, if Prince Charming did show up at the store he would go running in the other direction! Seeing me pushing a cart with a 2 year old inside it, an arguing 6 and 9 year old following behind, and me holding a list with a pen behind my ear to mark off items as they go into the back doesn't do much for the romance department.
I have blogged about this before but it bears repeating. I have made a commitment to not seek out dates. God will send the right one when the time is right. Is it hard to be patient and trust that He knows when that time is right? You betcha!! There are days that I get lonely and wish I had someone to cuddle with at the end of the day. The man that God has designed for me. He created each of us. We all know the story of Adam and Eve. God made Adam first and saw that he needed a life partner. So, He took Adams rib and made Eve. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound very romantic to me. When I finally meet my husband am I supposed to say, "Oh, I'm right here! Your rib is right here!" That would be pretty funny. But you know what I get out of that is, there is a man that He made specifically for me. When we come together, there will be nothing like it. It will be absolutely incredible!
Now, I have been single for quite some time. God has made a promise to me about my husband and I am holding on to that promise. In the meantime, God told me to conduct myself as a married woman. Crazy you say? Oh, but I am married. God has my husband chosen for me. He's not some fairy tale that I made up. He is alive and well. I just don't know who he is yet. So, I may not have my husband right here by my side, I may not have had the ceremony, and I don't have a ring on my finger. But, the amazing thing is, in God's eyes, I AM MARRIED. He already knows what is going to happen in the future. He is already there. I don't need to worry about how or when or why or even what he will look like. I am the daughter of the King of Kings. He will not give my hand to just anyone. I am precious to Him.
I started reading this amazing book with my friend. It's called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. (You ladies need to read this book! You men should read it too, it will give you insight to your lady.) My friend and I decided to meet for supper last night and talk about it. My kids were going to be gone for a whole 24 hours! I was so excited! I fought the urge to go to bed early and met her instead. I had been feeling kind of down all week. The words I kept hearing were this, "You are undesirable. You are nothing. If God loves you like you say, where is He? Why isn't He fulfilling those promises He made? No one ever keeps their promises to you! You know it's true! Every person that you thought you could trust has let you down in one capacity or another. God doesn't even know who you are going to marry! You were better off when you had decided you were never getting married again. You never even wanted to look at men until God put that false promise of your husband in your head. You are believing a lie! You would be better off just finding a guy to shack up with."
Pretty heavy right? So, I was driving out of town to meet her. I was stopped at a stoplight when I hear this engine start revving up next to me. I look over and see these two guys in a diesel truck grinning at me. They were pretty good looking! I just laughed at them. They flirted and waved at me for 3 blocks before they turned off to a gas station. That was a bit of a confidence booster. I am desirable! I got to the bar and grill and we had a great time eating our steaks and talking about life in general. At one point, this group of guys are walking by our table. My back was to them. One of the guys stumbled as he walked by and one of his buddies made a comment to him. I was talking to my friend so I didn't hear what they said. I asked her, "Did I miss something?" She grinned at me, "You officially just got checked out." "Really?" I giggled. See what happens when I leave my kids at home?
My friend and I got to talking. I told her that I don't know why guys don't usually notice me. I told her I felt like I was giving off some kind of no-no aura. She didn't agree. She said she thought that since I don't act like a typical single girl, most guys either think I'm taken or sense that something is different about me. She says that I beam this friendliness to people. She said that in every conversation that I have, I mention God somehow. Not that I am preaching to people but just something like...."This happened today and it was amazing, thank you God!" He is just part of my everyday vocabulary. I don't even realize it sometimes. She also said that she thinks I get noticed more than I realize. But that the wrong kind of guy doesn't approach me because he respects this thing that I am radiating, that he doesn't understand. She said that thing is Christ's love for people. That it is extremely apparent that I love and am living my life fully to serve God. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
Life is not peaches and cream. No one said life is easy, or would be easier if you became a Christian. But now, I have this visual to help me. Maybe it will help you too. I am a princess. I walk through life disguised as an everyday woman. But I'm not. What people can't see is this...... I am walking with my tiara and twirling princess dress. My Lord and Savior has me safely in the crook of His arm, walking with me through life. I still have to go through darkness and troubles. I still stumble. But that's when I hold on to my God's elbow. He steadies me and guides me though every situation. I can't imagine trying to stumble through life without that steadying arm anymore. Now that I have that rock to stand on, I don't want to walk through the treacherous quick sand that I was in before. It doesn't even appeal to me. I may sometimes look at things that other people have. I see my friends who aren't walking with God and are seemingly happy. But it won't last. They aren't putting their faith where it belongs. This waiting has purpose for me. It will be so much more the sweeter when my reward comes. When my rib finds its home.
Now, it is not my goal in life to be this person that men desire and women want to be. Far from it. But it is nice to feel appreciated. For someone to look past my jeans and boots and 20 kids trailing behind me and see the woman within. (You're right, 20 kids is a slight exaggeration. It sometimes feels like that many though.) I have been getting very frustrated. I haven't been on a date in a few years. That is a personal choice so I'm not upset about it or anything. I don't go to bars or clubs or troll the grocery store looking for relationships. In fact, if Prince Charming did show up at the store he would go running in the other direction! Seeing me pushing a cart with a 2 year old inside it, an arguing 6 and 9 year old following behind, and me holding a list with a pen behind my ear to mark off items as they go into the back doesn't do much for the romance department.
I have blogged about this before but it bears repeating. I have made a commitment to not seek out dates. God will send the right one when the time is right. Is it hard to be patient and trust that He knows when that time is right? You betcha!! There are days that I get lonely and wish I had someone to cuddle with at the end of the day. The man that God has designed for me. He created each of us. We all know the story of Adam and Eve. God made Adam first and saw that he needed a life partner. So, He took Adams rib and made Eve. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound very romantic to me. When I finally meet my husband am I supposed to say, "Oh, I'm right here! Your rib is right here!" That would be pretty funny. But you know what I get out of that is, there is a man that He made specifically for me. When we come together, there will be nothing like it. It will be absolutely incredible!
Now, I have been single for quite some time. God has made a promise to me about my husband and I am holding on to that promise. In the meantime, God told me to conduct myself as a married woman. Crazy you say? Oh, but I am married. God has my husband chosen for me. He's not some fairy tale that I made up. He is alive and well. I just don't know who he is yet. So, I may not have my husband right here by my side, I may not have had the ceremony, and I don't have a ring on my finger. But, the amazing thing is, in God's eyes, I AM MARRIED. He already knows what is going to happen in the future. He is already there. I don't need to worry about how or when or why or even what he will look like. I am the daughter of the King of Kings. He will not give my hand to just anyone. I am precious to Him.
I started reading this amazing book with my friend. It's called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. (You ladies need to read this book! You men should read it too, it will give you insight to your lady.) My friend and I decided to meet for supper last night and talk about it. My kids were going to be gone for a whole 24 hours! I was so excited! I fought the urge to go to bed early and met her instead. I had been feeling kind of down all week. The words I kept hearing were this, "You are undesirable. You are nothing. If God loves you like you say, where is He? Why isn't He fulfilling those promises He made? No one ever keeps their promises to you! You know it's true! Every person that you thought you could trust has let you down in one capacity or another. God doesn't even know who you are going to marry! You were better off when you had decided you were never getting married again. You never even wanted to look at men until God put that false promise of your husband in your head. You are believing a lie! You would be better off just finding a guy to shack up with."
Pretty heavy right? So, I was driving out of town to meet her. I was stopped at a stoplight when I hear this engine start revving up next to me. I look over and see these two guys in a diesel truck grinning at me. They were pretty good looking! I just laughed at them. They flirted and waved at me for 3 blocks before they turned off to a gas station. That was a bit of a confidence booster. I am desirable! I got to the bar and grill and we had a great time eating our steaks and talking about life in general. At one point, this group of guys are walking by our table. My back was to them. One of the guys stumbled as he walked by and one of his buddies made a comment to him. I was talking to my friend so I didn't hear what they said. I asked her, "Did I miss something?" She grinned at me, "You officially just got checked out." "Really?" I giggled. See what happens when I leave my kids at home?
My friend and I got to talking. I told her that I don't know why guys don't usually notice me. I told her I felt like I was giving off some kind of no-no aura. She didn't agree. She said she thought that since I don't act like a typical single girl, most guys either think I'm taken or sense that something is different about me. She says that I beam this friendliness to people. She said that in every conversation that I have, I mention God somehow. Not that I am preaching to people but just something like...."This happened today and it was amazing, thank you God!" He is just part of my everyday vocabulary. I don't even realize it sometimes. She also said that she thinks I get noticed more than I realize. But that the wrong kind of guy doesn't approach me because he respects this thing that I am radiating, that he doesn't understand. She said that thing is Christ's love for people. That it is extremely apparent that I love and am living my life fully to serve God. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.
Life is not peaches and cream. No one said life is easy, or would be easier if you became a Christian. But now, I have this visual to help me. Maybe it will help you too. I am a princess. I walk through life disguised as an everyday woman. But I'm not. What people can't see is this...... I am walking with my tiara and twirling princess dress. My Lord and Savior has me safely in the crook of His arm, walking with me through life. I still have to go through darkness and troubles. I still stumble. But that's when I hold on to my God's elbow. He steadies me and guides me though every situation. I can't imagine trying to stumble through life without that steadying arm anymore. Now that I have that rock to stand on, I don't want to walk through the treacherous quick sand that I was in before. It doesn't even appeal to me. I may sometimes look at things that other people have. I see my friends who aren't walking with God and are seemingly happy. But it won't last. They aren't putting their faith where it belongs. This waiting has purpose for me. It will be so much more the sweeter when my reward comes. When my rib finds its home.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
From Crazy to Thankful
I have come to the conclusion that it is my children's primary goal to make me crazy. Can't be true, you say? Oh, but you don't know my kids. And for those of you that do know my crazy trio, you don't live with them. I love them dearly, but there are some days that a cabin in the woods with no electricity sounds very inviting.
My first example of their goal would be the outing on Saturday. This day they had 2 extra accomplices, my nephews. I took all 5 of them to a family reunion. They were very good and had a great time. Afterwards, we went to my Aunts to hang out for a bit. She lives in the country with horses and lots of outside toys and places to roam. Pretty soon, my 3 year old nephew comes up to me and says,"Aunt Hannah, I pooped my pants on purpose." "You did what?" I really didn't think I had heard him correctly. "I pooped my pants on purpose." "Why did you do that?" "Because I knew I had to go but I wanted to play so I just pooped my pants." I think I stared unbelieving at him for a full minute. I knew it was true because I could smell him. I took him into the house, cleaned him up, spanked him, and my Aunt helped me find him some clean clothes. The only thing she could find were pink underwear and girl shorts. He was furious! "I not a girl! I not going to put that on! I will rip it!" I was so angry with him that I can't even remember what it said. I'm sure it was along the lines of....Oh yes you will or I will tan your hide. Put them on now. I don't feel one bit sorry for you since you pooped your own pants on purpose.....
He put on the pants and stomped outside. I didn't see him again until we left. He was mad and didn't want anyone to see him in his girl clothes. Not to be outdone, my soon to be 3 year old son toddles up and says, "Mom, I peed my pants on purpose." I rolled my eyes. "Why did you do that?" "Wellllllll, because I wanted to." I narrowed my eyes. "Oh, you wanted to huh? Welllllll, I want you to stay in those pants until we get home. A little pee won't hurt you. I have no clothes for you to change into. You wanted to pee your pants so you get to stay in pee clothes." He was so mad he threw himself down and launched into a temper tantrum. My Aunt, cousin, and I just talked louder.
Oh, I haven't even gotten to my other kids yet. My 9 year old daughter had been getting annoyed with the boys for some time. My cousin has 2 girls her age and she was looking forward to being around them. They would traipse off together, and my 6 year old son would follow them. They would move to another horse pen, and my son would follow them. They would move to the swing set, my son would follow them. They would go into the barn to listen to music, my son would follow them. You get the picture here. My Aunt lives in the country on several acres. There was a huge dirt pile in front of the house with 3 little boys playing in it. There were several horse pens. My Uncle was watching football inside. There were all kinds of options for him to do something fun, but he chose to follow my daughter. Now, she is a little pistol. She makes herself known. And my son, he likes to antagonize her until she gets mad and then tattle on her. Here is a prime example. She had had enough of him following her around so she gets in his face and screams, "LEAVE ME ALONE!! STOP FOLLOWING ME!!"
He comes running up to me. I had been watching this whole scenario play out. "Mom, she screamed at me! She won't let me play with her!" After the poop and pee incident, I was not in a great mood. "Son, you will never learn your lesson will you? Stop following her around! There are 50 million things for you to do here, yet you insist on tormenting her? I do not feel sorry for you at all! Stop with the pouty, 'everyone is mean to me and I want you to feel sorry for me' face and go find something else to do!" He stops crying, hangs his head in defeat, and moves over to the dirt pile. His mission had failed. Mom saw through the plot and she didn't get into trouble.
Then, there is my lovely, wonderful, seemingly hormonal daughter. She comes walking up to me on her own. Her hands are behind her back, she is looking down with a little smile on her face. I said, "Oh yeah, you know don't you?" Smile is now gone. She nods. "Honey, I am so disappointed in you. The only reason why he continues to try to make you mad is because you always deliver! If he is pestering you, you need to tell me! It is not okay for you to get into someones face and scream at them!" I yell. Contradiction, I know. What can I say? I've made it abundantly clear that I am not perfect.
After that, it was time for us to leave. I packed all 5 moody, whiny, dirty, and sour faced kids into the car and headed for home. It was pretty silent the whole 45 minutes there. We got home and a few took baths and they all got ready for bed. My boys were already laying down in their rooms. My nephews and my daughter were in the living room. I walked into the bathroom and saw throw-up in the toilet. "Guys, did someone throw up?" My 5 year old nephew comes in there just as calm as can be. "Yeah, I did." I looked at him from head to toe. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, but I think I might be sick though. I don't usually throw up." "Uh, okay. Well, let me get you a water bottle and you lay down on the couch."
My daughter laid on the floor. After all that anger at me, my youngest nephew wanted to sleep with me. I let him. As I listened to his little snores, I let out a sigh of relief. I am reading awesome book, so I read a chapter before bed. It was talking about how we (women) are spectacular. We are nurturers and an example of Christ's love and beauty. I was not feeling particularly, loving or nurturing at that moment. It was pretty spectacular that I made it through the day without running away screaming though. That's always a good.
I quit reading and laid there in the silence for a moment. I asked God for provision to raise my children how He would have me do it. I thanked Him for my kids. I praised Him for bringing them all into my life. My daughter, biologically. My sons, through foster care. My nephews, through my brother. They are all precious to me. I love them severely and completely. I am thankful for every day that I get to spend with them, even days like this. My Father must really trust me. These kids are precious cargo! Besides, how many times have I acted like a spoiled child and not seen all the blessings he has surrounded me with? He has never once given up on me. When I was ready to start walking with him, His hand was already waiting to take mine. It has always been there, waiting for me to reach out.
I let out another sigh. This one of thankfulness. I turned out the light and went to sleep. Like the song says....I will praise you in this storm.... We never leave His hands. He has given us everything we need. When you start to feel overwhelmed, ask for His help. He is always faithful to give it to you. Sometimes He is just waiting on you to ask.
My first example of their goal would be the outing on Saturday. This day they had 2 extra accomplices, my nephews. I took all 5 of them to a family reunion. They were very good and had a great time. Afterwards, we went to my Aunts to hang out for a bit. She lives in the country with horses and lots of outside toys and places to roam. Pretty soon, my 3 year old nephew comes up to me and says,"Aunt Hannah, I pooped my pants on purpose." "You did what?" I really didn't think I had heard him correctly. "I pooped my pants on purpose." "Why did you do that?" "Because I knew I had to go but I wanted to play so I just pooped my pants." I think I stared unbelieving at him for a full minute. I knew it was true because I could smell him. I took him into the house, cleaned him up, spanked him, and my Aunt helped me find him some clean clothes. The only thing she could find were pink underwear and girl shorts. He was furious! "I not a girl! I not going to put that on! I will rip it!" I was so angry with him that I can't even remember what it said. I'm sure it was along the lines of....Oh yes you will or I will tan your hide. Put them on now. I don't feel one bit sorry for you since you pooped your own pants on purpose.....
He put on the pants and stomped outside. I didn't see him again until we left. He was mad and didn't want anyone to see him in his girl clothes. Not to be outdone, my soon to be 3 year old son toddles up and says, "Mom, I peed my pants on purpose." I rolled my eyes. "Why did you do that?" "Wellllllll, because I wanted to." I narrowed my eyes. "Oh, you wanted to huh? Welllllll, I want you to stay in those pants until we get home. A little pee won't hurt you. I have no clothes for you to change into. You wanted to pee your pants so you get to stay in pee clothes." He was so mad he threw himself down and launched into a temper tantrum. My Aunt, cousin, and I just talked louder.
Oh, I haven't even gotten to my other kids yet. My 9 year old daughter had been getting annoyed with the boys for some time. My cousin has 2 girls her age and she was looking forward to being around them. They would traipse off together, and my 6 year old son would follow them. They would move to another horse pen, and my son would follow them. They would move to the swing set, my son would follow them. They would go into the barn to listen to music, my son would follow them. You get the picture here. My Aunt lives in the country on several acres. There was a huge dirt pile in front of the house with 3 little boys playing in it. There were several horse pens. My Uncle was watching football inside. There were all kinds of options for him to do something fun, but he chose to follow my daughter. Now, she is a little pistol. She makes herself known. And my son, he likes to antagonize her until she gets mad and then tattle on her. Here is a prime example. She had had enough of him following her around so she gets in his face and screams, "LEAVE ME ALONE!! STOP FOLLOWING ME!!"
He comes running up to me. I had been watching this whole scenario play out. "Mom, she screamed at me! She won't let me play with her!" After the poop and pee incident, I was not in a great mood. "Son, you will never learn your lesson will you? Stop following her around! There are 50 million things for you to do here, yet you insist on tormenting her? I do not feel sorry for you at all! Stop with the pouty, 'everyone is mean to me and I want you to feel sorry for me' face and go find something else to do!" He stops crying, hangs his head in defeat, and moves over to the dirt pile. His mission had failed. Mom saw through the plot and she didn't get into trouble.
Then, there is my lovely, wonderful, seemingly hormonal daughter. She comes walking up to me on her own. Her hands are behind her back, she is looking down with a little smile on her face. I said, "Oh yeah, you know don't you?" Smile is now gone. She nods. "Honey, I am so disappointed in you. The only reason why he continues to try to make you mad is because you always deliver! If he is pestering you, you need to tell me! It is not okay for you to get into someones face and scream at them!" I yell. Contradiction, I know. What can I say? I've made it abundantly clear that I am not perfect.
After that, it was time for us to leave. I packed all 5 moody, whiny, dirty, and sour faced kids into the car and headed for home. It was pretty silent the whole 45 minutes there. We got home and a few took baths and they all got ready for bed. My boys were already laying down in their rooms. My nephews and my daughter were in the living room. I walked into the bathroom and saw throw-up in the toilet. "Guys, did someone throw up?" My 5 year old nephew comes in there just as calm as can be. "Yeah, I did." I looked at him from head to toe. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, but I think I might be sick though. I don't usually throw up." "Uh, okay. Well, let me get you a water bottle and you lay down on the couch."
My daughter laid on the floor. After all that anger at me, my youngest nephew wanted to sleep with me. I let him. As I listened to his little snores, I let out a sigh of relief. I am reading awesome book, so I read a chapter before bed. It was talking about how we (women) are spectacular. We are nurturers and an example of Christ's love and beauty. I was not feeling particularly, loving or nurturing at that moment. It was pretty spectacular that I made it through the day without running away screaming though. That's always a good.
I quit reading and laid there in the silence for a moment. I asked God for provision to raise my children how He would have me do it. I thanked Him for my kids. I praised Him for bringing them all into my life. My daughter, biologically. My sons, through foster care. My nephews, through my brother. They are all precious to me. I love them severely and completely. I am thankful for every day that I get to spend with them, even days like this. My Father must really trust me. These kids are precious cargo! Besides, how many times have I acted like a spoiled child and not seen all the blessings he has surrounded me with? He has never once given up on me. When I was ready to start walking with him, His hand was already waiting to take mine. It has always been there, waiting for me to reach out.
I let out another sigh. This one of thankfulness. I turned out the light and went to sleep. Like the song says....I will praise you in this storm.... We never leave His hands. He has given us everything we need. When you start to feel overwhelmed, ask for His help. He is always faithful to give it to you. Sometimes He is just waiting on you to ask.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Future?
I took a few days off from blogging to process through some stuff. I think I am good now. Plus, I had a big History test to study for. I got an A! Go me! This semester seems to be dragging by. I love school and all but I am ready for a break for awhile. I am dangerously close to being done. Trying to decide if I am going to take Summer classes or take it off.
I think I am ready to be done with school but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a "regular" job. Don't get me wrong, I work. I have 2 part time jobs. However, they are both very flexible and one is a not only a job but a ministry. It is so rewarding to work in an environment like that! Neither job pays much, but they do pay my bills. We don't live fancy, but we do have everything we need with a few extras. My prayer has been that when it is time for me to get into my career field, that it will be in a Christian environment. One that will understand that I am a single parent and have lots of responsibilities. A boss who will be pleased as punch when I need to take time off for mission trips. My prayer has been, "Lord here I am...send me where you will." So, wherever He wants me and whatever plans He has for me, He will pave the way.
I have really been gearing up for this mission trip to Mexico. Roco Blanca Mission Base is only 6 weeks away! This could be the reason I am eager for school to be done too, I suppose. I couldn't find a swimming suit anywhere around here that had anything that I liked so I had to order it online. It's been about 4 years since I had one. This makes me sound like I'm older than I am. I'm only 28 but I'm very picky about swimming suits. Since I couldn't find one that I liked, I swim in shorts and a t shirt. Once I even borrowed my brothers swimming trunks. They were surprisingly comfortable. I didn't wear them again though because I had the sneaking suspicion that he was seriously considering depantsing me. It makes me cringe just thinking about that possible fiasco!
The thing I have most been thinking about is the people and work I will get to do at the base. I just feel that incredible things are going to happen. I am so ready to go. There will be a whole new Hannah coming back on the plane, I just know it. It is going to be a time of a lot of firsts for me. This will be the first time I have flown, been out of the country, seen an ocean, gone on a mission trip, or spent this much time away from my kids. That part makes me a teeny nervous. Just a little bit though. I am too busy focusing on the incredible opportunity to teach, learn, praise, and just be in God's presence. It will be a time to be a witness the majesty and miracles of the grace of the Lord with no distractions. Oh sure, there will be other people there and lots of things going on, but for the first time in 10 years I will be just Hannah. Not Mom. That is an exciting, and scary thing. I will have no choice but to completely focus on the task at hand. My mission....to be about my Father's business, whatever that means.
My daughter is pretty excited about it. It's going to be like a vacation for her too. She is going to spend the last 3 days of school with my brother and sister in law and then heading off to my friends house. I have known her for more than half my life. Our daughters are only 2 months apart in age and they are besties too! Adorable right? I am truly blessed to have a friend like her. Not just a friend, but a sister in Christ. We both have been doing this faith walk togther. Even though we don't get to talk that much, we always know we are there for each other. Friends like that are to be treasured for sure. Love ya girl!
My boys are a different story altogether. Since they are foster kids they have to go to respite. This makes me cringe. Respite is just a fancy name for another foster home they will go to while I am gone. The good part is, the have always had fun anytime they have gone. The bad part is, I don't know who it will be or anything about them. I don't know if they are a faith filled home or not.
These boys may not be biologically mine, but they are mine just the same. I don't know how to love someone at arms length. This is the hard part about being a foster parent. Treating the fosters like I treat my daughter is great for them. That's what makes me an effective parent. I am a firm believer that fierce love can overcome anything. And it has, trust me on this one. These boys have come a long way! I love them with every fiber of my being. That is why if, or when, my fosters go home, it crushes me. They take a piece of my heart with them every time. I have only had 2 leave my home in a year, a teenage girl and a 10 year old boy. The two I have now I have had for about 5 months.
So, I try my best not to look too far into the future. I pretty much live my life week to week. That would drive some people crazy, I'm sure but it's the only way I can function. If you had asked me 2 years ago where I would be in 4 years I could recite my plan, verbatem. Now, I just don't know. A lot can happen in 4 months, let alone 4 years. I'm not following my own path anymore. I know that some people try their best to deny God because they don't want to loose the illusion of control. Let me tell you a secret....it is the most exhilerating thing in the world!! I am hanging out there in the wind. There is no plan B for me. I'm like a flag in a windstorm and my Lord and Savior is my anchor. He hasn't let me down yet. In fact, when I gave my life to him he took it and did something wonderful. He set my spirit free.
That doesn't mean my life is all peaches and cream. Far from it. Don't believe me? Read some of my earlier blogs...or even just the last one. Doing what is right and true isn't always easy. However, it is almost always rewarding.
Well, my kids are all sleeping. It is very peaceful at the Hannah house. I'm getting a little sleepy myself. I am done with the grape popsickle that I treat myself with after my treadmill time, so it is time for a shower and then bed. Oh, since the kids are all asleep I can actually take a bath! It's just not a relaxing experience when kids knock on the door every 2 minutes to ask me a question. Calgon take me away!
I think I am ready to be done with school but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a "regular" job. Don't get me wrong, I work. I have 2 part time jobs. However, they are both very flexible and one is a not only a job but a ministry. It is so rewarding to work in an environment like that! Neither job pays much, but they do pay my bills. We don't live fancy, but we do have everything we need with a few extras. My prayer has been that when it is time for me to get into my career field, that it will be in a Christian environment. One that will understand that I am a single parent and have lots of responsibilities. A boss who will be pleased as punch when I need to take time off for mission trips. My prayer has been, "Lord here I am...send me where you will." So, wherever He wants me and whatever plans He has for me, He will pave the way.
I have really been gearing up for this mission trip to Mexico. Roco Blanca Mission Base is only 6 weeks away! This could be the reason I am eager for school to be done too, I suppose. I couldn't find a swimming suit anywhere around here that had anything that I liked so I had to order it online. It's been about 4 years since I had one. This makes me sound like I'm older than I am. I'm only 28 but I'm very picky about swimming suits. Since I couldn't find one that I liked, I swim in shorts and a t shirt. Once I even borrowed my brothers swimming trunks. They were surprisingly comfortable. I didn't wear them again though because I had the sneaking suspicion that he was seriously considering depantsing me. It makes me cringe just thinking about that possible fiasco!
The thing I have most been thinking about is the people and work I will get to do at the base. I just feel that incredible things are going to happen. I am so ready to go. There will be a whole new Hannah coming back on the plane, I just know it. It is going to be a time of a lot of firsts for me. This will be the first time I have flown, been out of the country, seen an ocean, gone on a mission trip, or spent this much time away from my kids. That part makes me a teeny nervous. Just a little bit though. I am too busy focusing on the incredible opportunity to teach, learn, praise, and just be in God's presence. It will be a time to be a witness the majesty and miracles of the grace of the Lord with no distractions. Oh sure, there will be other people there and lots of things going on, but for the first time in 10 years I will be just Hannah. Not Mom. That is an exciting, and scary thing. I will have no choice but to completely focus on the task at hand. My mission....to be about my Father's business, whatever that means.
My daughter is pretty excited about it. It's going to be like a vacation for her too. She is going to spend the last 3 days of school with my brother and sister in law and then heading off to my friends house. I have known her for more than half my life. Our daughters are only 2 months apart in age and they are besties too! Adorable right? I am truly blessed to have a friend like her. Not just a friend, but a sister in Christ. We both have been doing this faith walk togther. Even though we don't get to talk that much, we always know we are there for each other. Friends like that are to be treasured for sure. Love ya girl!
My boys are a different story altogether. Since they are foster kids they have to go to respite. This makes me cringe. Respite is just a fancy name for another foster home they will go to while I am gone. The good part is, the have always had fun anytime they have gone. The bad part is, I don't know who it will be or anything about them. I don't know if they are a faith filled home or not.
These boys may not be biologically mine, but they are mine just the same. I don't know how to love someone at arms length. This is the hard part about being a foster parent. Treating the fosters like I treat my daughter is great for them. That's what makes me an effective parent. I am a firm believer that fierce love can overcome anything. And it has, trust me on this one. These boys have come a long way! I love them with every fiber of my being. That is why if, or when, my fosters go home, it crushes me. They take a piece of my heart with them every time. I have only had 2 leave my home in a year, a teenage girl and a 10 year old boy. The two I have now I have had for about 5 months.
So, I try my best not to look too far into the future. I pretty much live my life week to week. That would drive some people crazy, I'm sure but it's the only way I can function. If you had asked me 2 years ago where I would be in 4 years I could recite my plan, verbatem. Now, I just don't know. A lot can happen in 4 months, let alone 4 years. I'm not following my own path anymore. I know that some people try their best to deny God because they don't want to loose the illusion of control. Let me tell you a secret....it is the most exhilerating thing in the world!! I am hanging out there in the wind. There is no plan B for me. I'm like a flag in a windstorm and my Lord and Savior is my anchor. He hasn't let me down yet. In fact, when I gave my life to him he took it and did something wonderful. He set my spirit free.
That doesn't mean my life is all peaches and cream. Far from it. Don't believe me? Read some of my earlier blogs...or even just the last one. Doing what is right and true isn't always easy. However, it is almost always rewarding.
Well, my kids are all sleeping. It is very peaceful at the Hannah house. I'm getting a little sleepy myself. I am done with the grape popsickle that I treat myself with after my treadmill time, so it is time for a shower and then bed. Oh, since the kids are all asleep I can actually take a bath! It's just not a relaxing experience when kids knock on the door every 2 minutes to ask me a question. Calgon take me away!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Happy Birthday Mom
Today is not going to be a typical blog. You see, today was my Mom's 55th birthday. She died almost 4 years ago. Everyone says that time heals all wounds and that is somewhat true. It has gotten easier. I am able to talk about her without crying. Most days anyway. I was 24 when she died. I was a Mom myself. I still wasn't ready for her to go. I don't think we ever are but I still needed her. I still need her.
My Mom was an amazing woman. She lived life to the fullest. I have so many awesome memories of her! When I was 10 she shattered her ankle while sliding into 3rd base during a family baseball game. She had to have surgery and have a plate and several screws put in. A month later, she took us swimming at the lake. Wrapping her leg in a trash bag was not comfortable so she took it off and swam with us. When we got home, she cut off her cast with a butter knife. Dad was mad. She went to the doctor the next day and he put a hot pink walking cast on her. A few days later, Mom took up jogging on her walking cast. Dad gave up and didn't say anything about that. Mom was a force to be reckoned with.
And boy could she dance! On Saturday afternoons, we would turn up the radio and dance around the kitchen to the golden oldies while home made cookies were baking in the oven. She was a good card player too. We would have marathon board and card games. She never caught on that my little brother and I always cheated. The corner of her mouth would always twitch when she came back in the room and we had a handfull of aces. She never said anything though. She just acted amazed that we won so cleanly and quickly and said, "You guys are rough to play cards with! You would think you would take it easy on your old Mom and let me win a few!"
She had faith that saw her through some difficult times, including motherhood to 4 unruly kids. And then later, 4 ungrateful teenagers. She was a foster Mom too for a few years. Her faith also saw her through her discovery of a brain tumor that had been growing for 5 years. It was an eye doctor who discovered it. The medical doctors kept telling her she was going through "the change". She started to loose vision in one eye and a cat scan was ordered. What they found was a tumor the size of a softball wrapped around her pitutiary gland and squishing the ocular nerve of her right eye.
It was a shock to us all. She told each one of us indivdidually. She acted like it was no big deal. I remember at the time I was working second shift for the post office. She was working third shift. After I got off work, I would sometimes stop in and have her break with her. Mom would just be starting out the evening and not quite awake so for her first break of her shift, she would have her hot green tea in one hand and her Diet Dr Pepper in the other. Oh yeah, and she sipped both out of a straw. She didn't want either liquid to stain her teeth. She would call me on her way home and if I was up we would chit chat. This was an entirely different call.
"Hello?"
"Were you asleep?"
"Yeah but that's okay. How was work, Mom?"
"Oh pretty good. Having that MP3 player you showed me how to work really makes the night go by fast! Be bopping along to Johnny Cash and Mercy Me is my way to spend an evening. I have to be careful not to sing though."
"You shouldn't try to hold it back. Belt those tunes out! People would love it!"
"That would be pretty funny! I have something to tell you, Hannah."
"Okay, what's up?"
"I have a brain tumor."
"What?!"
"Yeah, I know. A shocker huh? I've been trying to tell your Dad I'm not normal for years."
"Mom, why are you joking? Brain tumors are serious! You could die!"
"Honey, I know that. You want to come over for supper?"
Just like that, my worst fear was realized. My Mother was going to die. I knew it. My siblings did too. And my Dad? Forget it! He didn't know how to deal with it. They were married for 32 years, right out of high school. Mom told us all she was going to be fine. I think she knew though. She had talks with each one of us kids that we still remember. Talks about life and love and loss. Talks about how much she loved us. Before she went into surgery, she told us that she knew one way or the other, God was going to heal her. She wouldn't be in pain anymore. And He did.
After surgery, she had a grand mal seizure and took her last breath in my arms. I was helping her out of bed. I held her while she seized and told her how much I loved her. I told her to relax, that it was okay. I can't remember what all I said. I had no idea she was dying. That my words would be last ones she would hear. For the longest time I struggled with that. It was the hardest thing in my whole life. But after a few weeks, I began to think differently. If I had a choice of how I was to die, hugging my daughter while she whispered words of love and encouragment would be right up there with number one.
In a way, it was like I got to pay her back just a fraction for all the pep talks, hugs, whispers of love, encouragement, band-aids for skinned knees, kisses to make them better, and "I'm proud of you"'s. I started to look at it like a positive thing. I sent her off to heaven with words of love.
Surprisingly enough, my then 5 year old daughter helped me most to deal with Mom's death. She asked me where Nana was. She couldn't understand what it meant when someone died. My family made the heart wrenching decision to not let the grandkids, our kids, to see her in the casket. It didn't look like her. Sure, it was her body. But Mom wasn't there anymore. My Mom always had a smile on her face. Even when she slept she was animated. Animateldly snoring for sure! But it was still Mom even then. But that shell in the casket wasn't. They were upset. All 6 of them were insistant on seeing her. I explained it to them like this....
"You know how Nana and Papa had different cars right? When Nana needed to haul the dogs to the vet, she took the truck. When she had to drive to work, she took her car. And when she was feeling very adventurous, she took her motorcycle. Well, Nana's body is like a used car. She isn't in that body anymore. Nana is in heaven. She didn't take that shell with her because God gave her a brand new body."
They seemed somewhat satisfied with that. The next question came from my daughter. "But, I want to tell Nana I love her. I didn't get to tell her before she left her used car." I replied, "Honey, she knows you love her. She loves you too. Even death cannot stop Nana's love. In fact, we get to take her everywhere with us now. She is in our heart. Your heart goes with you. All that love goes with you too."
Mom, I love you. I miss you everyday. I wish I could talk to you and hear your distinct laugh one more time. Have another one of your pep talks. Get another amazing Mama hug. What I wouldn't give to hear you say what you think of all the changes that have happened in the last year. Would you save all that up for me? Would you give it to me when I see you in heaven? We will have a lot of catching up to do, Mom. Save a place for me, will you? And put a good word in for me with the Big Guy.
My Mom was an amazing woman. She lived life to the fullest. I have so many awesome memories of her! When I was 10 she shattered her ankle while sliding into 3rd base during a family baseball game. She had to have surgery and have a plate and several screws put in. A month later, she took us swimming at the lake. Wrapping her leg in a trash bag was not comfortable so she took it off and swam with us. When we got home, she cut off her cast with a butter knife. Dad was mad. She went to the doctor the next day and he put a hot pink walking cast on her. A few days later, Mom took up jogging on her walking cast. Dad gave up and didn't say anything about that. Mom was a force to be reckoned with.
And boy could she dance! On Saturday afternoons, we would turn up the radio and dance around the kitchen to the golden oldies while home made cookies were baking in the oven. She was a good card player too. We would have marathon board and card games. She never caught on that my little brother and I always cheated. The corner of her mouth would always twitch when she came back in the room and we had a handfull of aces. She never said anything though. She just acted amazed that we won so cleanly and quickly and said, "You guys are rough to play cards with! You would think you would take it easy on your old Mom and let me win a few!"
She had faith that saw her through some difficult times, including motherhood to 4 unruly kids. And then later, 4 ungrateful teenagers. She was a foster Mom too for a few years. Her faith also saw her through her discovery of a brain tumor that had been growing for 5 years. It was an eye doctor who discovered it. The medical doctors kept telling her she was going through "the change". She started to loose vision in one eye and a cat scan was ordered. What they found was a tumor the size of a softball wrapped around her pitutiary gland and squishing the ocular nerve of her right eye.
It was a shock to us all. She told each one of us indivdidually. She acted like it was no big deal. I remember at the time I was working second shift for the post office. She was working third shift. After I got off work, I would sometimes stop in and have her break with her. Mom would just be starting out the evening and not quite awake so for her first break of her shift, she would have her hot green tea in one hand and her Diet Dr Pepper in the other. Oh yeah, and she sipped both out of a straw. She didn't want either liquid to stain her teeth. She would call me on her way home and if I was up we would chit chat. This was an entirely different call.
"Hello?"
"Were you asleep?"
"Yeah but that's okay. How was work, Mom?"
"Oh pretty good. Having that MP3 player you showed me how to work really makes the night go by fast! Be bopping along to Johnny Cash and Mercy Me is my way to spend an evening. I have to be careful not to sing though."
"You shouldn't try to hold it back. Belt those tunes out! People would love it!"
"That would be pretty funny! I have something to tell you, Hannah."
"Okay, what's up?"
"I have a brain tumor."
"What?!"
"Yeah, I know. A shocker huh? I've been trying to tell your Dad I'm not normal for years."
"Mom, why are you joking? Brain tumors are serious! You could die!"
"Honey, I know that. You want to come over for supper?"
Just like that, my worst fear was realized. My Mother was going to die. I knew it. My siblings did too. And my Dad? Forget it! He didn't know how to deal with it. They were married for 32 years, right out of high school. Mom told us all she was going to be fine. I think she knew though. She had talks with each one of us kids that we still remember. Talks about life and love and loss. Talks about how much she loved us. Before she went into surgery, she told us that she knew one way or the other, God was going to heal her. She wouldn't be in pain anymore. And He did.
After surgery, she had a grand mal seizure and took her last breath in my arms. I was helping her out of bed. I held her while she seized and told her how much I loved her. I told her to relax, that it was okay. I can't remember what all I said. I had no idea she was dying. That my words would be last ones she would hear. For the longest time I struggled with that. It was the hardest thing in my whole life. But after a few weeks, I began to think differently. If I had a choice of how I was to die, hugging my daughter while she whispered words of love and encouragment would be right up there with number one.
In a way, it was like I got to pay her back just a fraction for all the pep talks, hugs, whispers of love, encouragement, band-aids for skinned knees, kisses to make them better, and "I'm proud of you"'s. I started to look at it like a positive thing. I sent her off to heaven with words of love.
Surprisingly enough, my then 5 year old daughter helped me most to deal with Mom's death. She asked me where Nana was. She couldn't understand what it meant when someone died. My family made the heart wrenching decision to not let the grandkids, our kids, to see her in the casket. It didn't look like her. Sure, it was her body. But Mom wasn't there anymore. My Mom always had a smile on her face. Even when she slept she was animated. Animateldly snoring for sure! But it was still Mom even then. But that shell in the casket wasn't. They were upset. All 6 of them were insistant on seeing her. I explained it to them like this....
"You know how Nana and Papa had different cars right? When Nana needed to haul the dogs to the vet, she took the truck. When she had to drive to work, she took her car. And when she was feeling very adventurous, she took her motorcycle. Well, Nana's body is like a used car. She isn't in that body anymore. Nana is in heaven. She didn't take that shell with her because God gave her a brand new body."
They seemed somewhat satisfied with that. The next question came from my daughter. "But, I want to tell Nana I love her. I didn't get to tell her before she left her used car." I replied, "Honey, she knows you love her. She loves you too. Even death cannot stop Nana's love. In fact, we get to take her everywhere with us now. She is in our heart. Your heart goes with you. All that love goes with you too."
Mom, I love you. I miss you everyday. I wish I could talk to you and hear your distinct laugh one more time. Have another one of your pep talks. Get another amazing Mama hug. What I wouldn't give to hear you say what you think of all the changes that have happened in the last year. Would you save all that up for me? Would you give it to me when I see you in heaven? We will have a lot of catching up to do, Mom. Save a place for me, will you? And put a good word in for me with the Big Guy.
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