What really matters?

I wasn't planning on blogging tonight but it was a very frustrating evening for me. I thought maybe some of you might have been going through the same things so here I am. Blogging. When I really should be on the treadmill. Or in bed. Or cleaning my house. Or figuring out a solution to world peace.

The last few weeks have building up on me. I haven't ever been able to do laundry to the point there are no more in the laundry closet. Oh, yes. I said laundry CLOSET. With 3 kids, towels, bedding, my clothes, and whatever the kids don't want to pick up when I tell them to clean their room I have a whole closet for the dirty laundry. It takes me a whole day to do it because I also have to take kids to school, go to class, do my homework, cook meals, and the fifty million other things I have to do on a normal day. Unfortunately, time does not stop for dirty laundry. I do it at the very least once a week and usually twice. It's not pretty.

Then I have to schedule check up appointments, counseling, wic appointments, time with the casa worker, time with the 'Big Sister'. Oh, and did I mention my boys's visits twice a week with bio parents? On top of this I go to school, work, church, soccer practices, and soccer games. I also need to clean my house somewhere in the middle of all this. Is this situation a unique one? No. Is it something I have been dealing with for a while? Yes. Why then is it getting to me? I will explain.

I have been trying to eat healthier. I would love to lose weight but mostly I just want to feel better. I still have all of my baby weight and then some. My baby is 9. Plus, I just feel that it's time. I can do it. God has equipped me with everything I need to do it. So why aren't I svelte yet? I'm not greedy. I know I will probably always have rolls. I just would like them to be smaller rolls. In response to my determination to get healthy I bought an elliptical. After it was put together I got on it and it wiggled all over the place. The manufacturer had made this support bar too long. I took it back. I bought a treadmill. It didn't work. When it was being loaded to be taken back I noticed a reset button on the bottom. Sure enough, it worked. Yay! Started walking on the treadmill. A few times. Yeah, I'm not very good with routine.

I decided today that I was just going to get on that thing every night at 9pm. Religiously. Nothing stopping me. Even though I had already taken a nap after supper because I was exhausted, even though the bathroom needed cleaned and the kitchen floor needed mopped I was getting on that treadmill! So, I got on the treadmill and it turned on. I set the speed and nothing. The belt wasn't turning at all. I get off the treadmill. I start to get frustrated. This is the second piece of exercise equipment that I will have had to take back! What the french? I mean, here I am, trying to do the right thing and walk in God's destiny for me. I have a close relationship with Him. So why can't a sister get a little protection here! This weight thing has been a long and heartbreaking struggle for me! My mind starts going to all this stuff. I started looking for that receipt, all the while talking to God and crying and asking Him why this bad stuff happens. I never found the receipt.

My daughter came in my room and asked me what was wrong. I said, "You know how sometimes when you don't get what you want you get frustrated? When you think that I'm not paying attention to you or that I love the boys more than you? That you aren't getting what you want when you want? Well, that's how I feel right now. I'm a little angry with God." Her response surprised me. "Well, what do you want that you don't have? You have a cool house with a playground down the street. You have a big bed with pretty blankets. You even have the biggest closet and bedroom. Plus, you still have your big heart that everyone loves. You are a pretty cool Mom. And I know God really loves you just like you loves us. What are you missing?" I had no words to say to that. I told her that I loved her and tucked her into bed.

My kids never cease to amaze me. People have told me that I am a natural mother. That all my kids, biological, foster, nieces, and nephews have been sent to me because God knew he could trust me with their preciousness. That I would love them wholly and passionately. And I do. But I also think that God entrusted me to them. There are times, like tonight, in the midst of my frustration that one of them will say or do something to just stop me in my tracks and make me take stock of what really matters. While being a healthy weight is important, it's not what really matters. Love is what matters.

So I will continue to eat healthy and walk on the treadmill. The house will get cleaned and the laundry will get done, eventually. I would love to be 20 pounds lighter when I leave for my mission trip to Mexico at the end of May. Am I going to be a failure if I weigh the same? Not at all. Because I have what people need. I have so much of it that I can give it away freely. My house may not be clean but there is one awesome thing that just oozes out of it. Love. Thank you God for giving me everything that I need. Thank you for having purpose and a destiny that You designed specifically for me. Thank you for loving me even though I am sometimes an ungrateful child. I love You.

This is the verse that I am keeping close to me right now. Maybe it will speak to you too.
Jeramiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."